It All Belongs To You, God

This post... is the most intense post I've ever written, but... it is inspired both by what happened, and by a prayer I heard from Graham Cooke- several of the lines were taken directly from it, a prayer I've thought about occasionally since I heard it years ago. I hope this doesn't frighten anyone, but this is my heart and I think it can be very well backed by scripture- each and every line. It also is... a conversation, so God responds. Here goes nothing.

It all belongs to you.
1. My car belongs to you. God: So I could take your transportation away if I wanted to?
Yes. Yes you could.
2. My shelter belongs to you. God: So I could make you homeless if I wanted to?
Yes, you could.
3. My freedom belongs to you. God: So I could have you imprisoned if need be?
Yes... my freedom does belong to you completely, so you could.
4. My sanity belongs to you. God: So I could make you lose your mind?
Yes, my mental health is completely in your hands. It all belongs to you.
5. My money belongs to you. God: So I could make you broke, penniless and without any known way of paying your bills?
Yes. My money belongs to you. It all belongs to you Lord.
6.My life belongs to you. God: So... I could even lead you to your death, and you would allow that?
Yes. My life, and the length thereof, is utterly completely in your hands. You can kill me, if that is what you want.

I know this is intense, but before people attack this, I want to show the scriptures that talk about each of these:

1, 2, 5: Jesus's conversation with the rich young ruler. He demanded everything the man owned. Also, Jesus lived without transportation except by foot, and without a home.

3: Paul knew he would be imprisoned when he went to Rome. He went anyways.

4: King Nebuchadnezzar went insane, according to God's word, to the point where he was eating grass like an animal. While, admittedly, this was a negative consequence for his actions, it does lend credence to the possibility that God could make someone insane for his purposes, even someone who was following God. In my opinion, it isn't that out there- there are other examples of people's mental states being affected by God.

6: Jesus willing went to his death. It's also noteworthy that all of the apostles, save John, were executed, and Paul was punished by the Romans after he deliberately went to Jerusalem, knowing he was likely to be imprisoned because of that. He, too, was executed as well.

My point... if we are to follow Christ, we need to be prepared for the consequences. Jesus did not promise his followers easy, feel-good lives. To the contrary, he warned his followers that life will be full of struggles, but that God will be with us in the midst. We aren't allowed to hold tight to anything, for nothing really belongs to us anyways. It all belongs to God- it was never ours in the first place. We can't function right in the kingdom if we keep seeing ourselves as owners instead of stewards. It all belongs to God... because it always did in the first place.

Judging

This subject... is one that is near and dear to my heart. At this moment, I have a lot of anger, directed at people who judged me, anger I don't know what to do with... so I thought this subject warranted talking about.

Judging is hard to define, so I'll give an example. I was driving home from the chess tournament, and I saw a bumper sticker that basically said you can't be prochoice and also be a Christian. This really upset me- not because I consider myself prochoice (though my views on that subject are complicated or unclear) but simply because someone thinks they have the audacity to judge another person's faith based on their views on a subject Jesus didn't even talk about. We don't have that right. However, judging shows up in other forms as well. Nonchristians often have lifestyles that we would say are sinful. Does that give us the right to judge them for it? We don't know where they came from, or why they live the way they do. I'm not saying you have to agree with their actions, I'm saying that you shouldn't let your disagreement with the way they live interfer with being friends with them. The truth is, without Christ, people live in sin. Deal with it. Get over it. And stop judging nonbelievers as if they were Christians. Even Christians judge other Christians. We think we know why people do the things they do. We don't. We don't have the right to judge another believer in their weakness. If we've developed relationship with someone, we may earn the right to tell someone what we think they should do about something, but that right is earned, and shouldn't be presumed upon.

Basically... this post teaches how to be a "safe" person. Basically, I surround myself with them. I can tell a safe person from 50 feet. Lately, I wonder if nonchristians generally make better friends than Christians, because they don't judge you as much. Don't get me wrong- I have multiple Christian friends, and I'm glad they are in my life. However, I think Christians in general care more about what you do, or what you did, than how you feel, or what you are going through. The best cinematic example of what a relationship between a believer and a nonbeliever should look like, is in "The Bucket List." Someone finally showed how a Christian can make an impact, with very little "direct" evangelism. When you watch that movie, notice how Morgan Freeman's character doesn't pass judgement on Jack Nicholson's character. Because of this, he made a huge impact in the man's life. I think that is very realistic. Love takes time. Love is patient and kind- that means we shouldn't rush out and try to fix people. You can't love someone and try to fix them/treat them like a project at the same time. Either you love them, or they're a project, and there's no love in projects. No human being wants to be someone else's project. We must accept people where they are at, and love them where they are. If all my tombstone said was "Sean loved people as they were, and not as he wanted them to be." I would say my life was a success. Please... hear me out on this. Not judging people is a big deal, and the size of your impact and your ability to connect with hurting, wounded people is very much defined by how you look at them. We all need love. Nobody needs judgement. Nobody.

The Difference Between Being Nice and Being Loving

I've often heard that there is no difference between these two. Honestly, if you looked at Christendom, you see a lot of nice people... However, there are situations which reveal a dramatic diffence, as I will soon demonstrate.

There is a scene, in my favorite movie "Les Miserables," where the new head of police crosses the line, in how he handles justice in a particular case. Now our hero, Jean Valjean, who happens to be mayor of this town, finds out about this, and comes to the rescue of the woman being prosecuted. Here is a textbook example of the difference between being loving and being nice. The police officer and Valjean go toe-to-toe, until the officer says "she will not go free as long as I'm in charge," to which Valjean's response is classic- "in that case, under article 77 you are relieved of duty until tomorrow morning. LEAVE! NOW!" Now, notice what he DIDN'T do. He did not try to appease everyone. A nice person may very well have buckled in that situation, because there was no grey area, no way to satisfy both parties. A love-oriented person, is not afraid to choose a side, for love's sake, and stay the course out of love's sake, and won't care about stepping on someone else's toes, knowing they are standing where they should stand. A nice person, though, needs to be liked by everyone, and may struggle to make a decision which might upset some people or someone. In that moment, Jean Valjean didn't care whether the officer liked him or not, and actually probably earned a little bit of respect for standing up for his convictions. It's really a backbone thing. It is true there are situations where compromise is useful- I'm not saying compromise is always bad. Clearly, though, sometimes compromise is no good... sometimes you just have to take a stand. You have to decide that you care more about a cause or a person in need of protection than about making everyone happy. Jesus demonstrated this when he cleared the temple of the sales people, because that area was where gentiles were supposed to be able to meet with God. He loved the gentiles, so he went to bat for them. This is what I mean- to love someone enough to fight someone else to protect the one you loved. This is what love really means. Go and do likewise.

Thoughts On Being A Transformative Husband

This entry... is the product of a lot of thought. I've often wondered how I'd handle being in this kind of relationship, how a man could play a role in the spiritual and emotional development in the life of his lover, and I've decided to try to put my thoughts on paper (so to speak). Honestly, this may seem somewhat theoretical, seeing as I've never had a girlfriend, but my friends have told me that they are impressed by my wisdom gifting, and I've read several books that either were solely about this subject, or had sections about this, so I'm going to take a crack at this. Feel free to laugh at things that are off, but God usually gives me good stuff even if I'm talking about something I don't have much first-hand knowledge with... so here goes.

First of all, there is this issue of self-esteem that needs addressing. Most women struggle with their appearance, thinking that they are unattractive, or even ugly. This is really sad, from a guy's perspective- we often see beauty where they only see ugly. I do think there are things that a guy could do that could help. Perhaps if you are dining in, maybe (assuming you've developed a level of trust appropriate for this) you could request that she not wear makeup and jewelry. I think the way to phrase it is "I'd like to see you as how God made you." My opinion is that women largely wear makeup, because they don't like how they look without it, and they've been wounded by other people criticizing their appearance. If a guy can honestly assure his woman that she looks fine without all that stuff, I think that could be the beginning of what I imagine will be a very long healing process regarding their self-image and self-esteem. I'd suggest this for other dates as well, but if someone in public was an ass and criticized your lover for how she looked without makeup, that would largely diminish any progress made, and might even make things worse. The goal, in the long term, would be she'd become secure enough in how she looks that that wouldn't matter, but most women are a long ways from that point as it is, and one negative remark from some idiot passerby could potentially ruin six months worth of positive reinforcement and encouragement. I can back this idea up with scripture (paraphrase): "Women should adorn themselves with good works rather than jewelry," but I think this project should be done gradually, at whatever pace your lover is comfortable with. This is a project of love, and requires a great deal of tact and nurturing, or it will fail miserably. As guys, we also need to learn to not be so focused on what we see. That beauty, is the cherry on top of the whip cream, on top of the ice cream sundae- it has its place, but as cherries go is only worth so much, and we need to grow up in how we look at the opposite sex. They are more beautiful than we give them credit for, and certainly way more than they give themselves credit for. I don't think I could be interested in a girl that wasn't attractive to me, and can say with complete honesty that I've thought every woman I was really interested in was beautiful to me and I wouldn't change a thing about any of them in their appearance, but I'm realizing I was (at times) a bit shallow that way. For example, I'd have a hard time dating a really thin girl. I'm shallow that way. I realize I have growing up to do, because truth be told, that really doesn't matter that much, period.

Another large key is figuring out what kind of love our significant other appreciates most. As I understand it, there are five love languages- words of affirmation, physical touch, gift giving, quality time, and acts of service. Within these love languages, there are a lot of variations. Figuring out which one is most important, and what ways that you can speak this love language that will resonate as meaningful, is critical to ministering to your lover. For example, if your lover hated loading the dishwasher, and acts of service was meaningful to her, then loading the dishwasher every day might mean the world to her. It might mean more than all the flowers and candy in the world. Another example: I knew a guy who bought a large bouquet of roses for his wife. In talking to her later, though, she wasn't a big fan- she would have prefered time and money to go shopping. He could have given her cash or a gift card for half the value of the roses, and made sure she had an opportunity to spend an afternoon shopping, saved half the money and scored three times the points (so to speak...). The goal largely is to be effective first, and extravagantly effective second... but I'll get to that soon enough. My point is not about saving money, but about knowing your lover well enough to know what will and won't work best- that is what I'm getting at. You could get your lover roses every day, but if she likes daisies or hugs better, you won't be anywhere near as effective as you want, and she may even feel you don't love her enough. That is the outcome to be avoided. It may take experimentation and lots of questions, but with some work and practice, you can hopefully become effective at speaking her language(s) (usually there is a secondary one that matters a fair amount as well), which will fill her love tank, which keeps the relationship fresh and satisfying. I'll admit there is a place for trying to help your lover learn how to love you the way you wish to be loved, but that is the subject for another entry...

Another critical component to ministering to your lover, is expressing her value to you. There is a tale I read (true or not, it is worth mentioning), about a man who decided upon a woman who people thought looked plain. Now, in his culture, a man "bought" a woman from the father with cattle. Normally, a man paid two or three cattle for such, and paying one was a bit like low-balling and was discouraged. Now, this man was very shrewd. He knew that while in this case he could get away with paying just one, he knew that how she'd feel about him, would differ, depending on how much value he expressed she had to him by how much he paid. He paid EIGHT cattle for her (an unheardof amount- four or six was considered the max for the most beautiful women on the island). Imagine what this did for her. She felt loved, more than any other woman on the whole island. Some folks visited them after they were married, and she was beaming. Because he put such a high value to her, it changed her in a way that was beyond comprehension- she became the beauty that was worth what he paid. The outside, is a reflection of what is inside, and the value a husband puts on his wife, can have a powerful impact, perhaps even on her physical appearance. Certainly, I think when husbands express value in their lovers over the span of their relationship, I think that it enables their lover to age more gracefully, and helps allow that inner beauty to come to the surface. I also think, that it helps a man develop "rose-colored glasses" of sorts- they will come to see the beauty that was already there. I believe these are both true. Love can easily last a lifetime, if only a husband learned to effectively love their wife extravagantly, as Jesus loves the church.

My final subject is on the primary difference in what women need. Women generally talk about their problems to feel better, and not looking for solutions, so we as men must learn to listen and be judicious about when to suggest how to fix it (if at all). If my sister is talking about her day, and for some reason I really want to share a possible solution, I'll ask if I can share it (whether that is even good or not is debatable...) but at least I'm recognizing that she may not be interested in a solution, which is often the case. We guys talk about problems usually because we can't figure it out ourselves, but women tend to talk about problems just to feel better. Also, women tend to appreciate little acts of love almost as much as big ones, so while the big ones are good, doing the little things daily will mean as much or more than just occasionally doing "big" things. Women also tend to shift more emotionally than men, and when our lover is down, we need to be especially gracious, patient, and listen carefully. That will help them rebound a little faster, and make the times when she feels good all the more better.

I think there is much more to be said on this subject, but I think I've hit on the high points. I think the biggest key, overall, is making oneself a student of what makes one's lover tick. Finding out ways to display the love we have in ways that will hit our lover's real needs so that they feel more loved than they ever imagined... That's game-changing. I think, if men spent half the time trying to figure out how to show their wives they are loved, in ways that they had discovered would really mean something to them as they do with watching sports, or doing their hobbies, or all the other stuff we men love to do, we'd have much better love-lives, and (yeah I'm going to say it) better sex lives too. I think marriages can and should last a lifetime, and while it takes two to tango, I think that husbands not loving their wives well is usually the core issue when things fall apart. If we love our wives like Jesus loves the church, I think it becomes much easier for them to give us the respect we need, which helps us love them all the more.

If you are curious where all this came from... here are the primary sources (all books I own...):

The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, by John Gray PHd
Written In Stone: The Ten Commandments and Today's Moral Crisis, by Philip Graham Ryken

The Plan

"Okay. Here's my plan. First, I'm going to build a boat. A really, really big boat."

"Really? Why?"

"Oh, God told me that it's going to rain for 40 days and nights, so I want to be ready. I also need room for all the types of fauna in the area. However, that's just stage one."

"Stage one? You mean, there's more?"

"Yes. Next I'm going to move to Iraq. Several years later, I'm going to kill my only son."

"Kill your son? Why on earth would you do that?"

"Oh, God told me to. I believe, since God told me I'd have lots of descendents through him, and my wife was an old lady when she conceived, that God will raise him from the dead."

"God would raise him from the dead? Has that ever happened? Why would you think that?"

"Oh, please don't get hung up on that. We've only scratched the beginnings of my plans."

"You can top killing your only son because you think God is going to resurrect him? I doubt it."

"What if I decide to lead an army of 300 against an army of 30,000? Does that top that?"

"Well... why wouldn't you choose to bring a bigger army? I mean, outnumbered 100 to 1? That's insane on the face of it."

"Oh, God wants the credit, so he'll only choose the people who drink out of the river a certain way."

"Why on earth does it matter how people drink out of a river? Has anyone told you that you belong in a nuthouse? You are the most whacko person I've ever met. I'm going to call the police right now- maybe then your son will live until puberty."

"I'm not afraid. If you call the police, I'll call fire down from heaven and have them wiped out. It's a really bad idea, so don't do it."

"Just out of curiousity... I don't know why I'm asking this but... is this your complete plan? I mean, it's quite a doozy... but somehow, I think this isn't everything."

"Yes. Destroy the empire state building, and I'll rebuild it in three days."

"What the heck are you talking about?"

"Oh, I mean the local religious leaders are going to band together with the local government to have me executed. Two days later, I will come back to life. By doing this, I will acquire forgiveness for everyone else's sins. That's my grand finale."

"Okay, that does it. I'm calling the cops. You need to be in a mental hospital NOW."

"No... Wait! I haven't even BEGUN my plan! God says I must do these things! Don't try to thwart the will of God! I'll call down fire from heaven! They WILL die! Wait..."

My point: People have this... idea that God gives simple, straightforward commands in the prophetic, that with enough people around you to tell you which words to listen to and not listen to, that you can obey God completely and everything will work out hunky-dory. Even Peter saw the insanity of Jesus letting himself be executed, and Jesus called him the devil because of this. The truth- according to scripture, God is not tame. His words... are not tame. He has asked people to do things... that made no flipping sense at the time, and had there been a loony bin, most of God's prophetic people would have ended up there, including our savior (who they killed instead...). Obeying God... is no simple matter. Knowing what is God and what isn't God... also no simple matter. The Bible is full of weird stuff- even in the New Testement, Paul was told that going to Jerusalem was a bad idea by everyone, and he did it anyways... It's hard to know when to listen to those around you, and when to obey your own convictions about what God has said to you. Anybody that says otherwise is either being willfully stupid, or hasn't looked at scripture that closely, or both...

Being Comes Before Doing

In the Kingdom, being comes before doing. As an example, let us say I want to succeed in a chess tournament. Going out and playing in a bunch of tournaments without any preparation beforehand is a lousy strategy- it is much better to prepare for hours during the weeks leading up to the tournament, and show up ready to play. That is because you built yourself up, making yourself into something competitive. You BECAME something, then you demonstrated what you became (a good chess player) with what you DID at the chess tournament. Likewise, in the Christian faith, lots of activity that people see demonstrates little or nothing. So you lead worship? So you lead a small group? So you are an elder? What value is that? People like to define success in the kingdom, based on what they DO, but what you DO is largely meaningless, unless you've already BECOME a person of standing with the king. This requires work, that no one sees. Fasting, prayer, study... time in the presence of the King is ESSENTIAL to success. You will never be greater in the kingdom than how deep you've developed your relationship with the King... and that happens mostly when we are alone with God. There is a reason, that most spiritual disciplines are practiced alone... that is where the preparation happens for being the kind of Christian God loves. Otherwise, you might miss an opportunity to help someone stranded on the side of the road. You might miss that hitchhiker who is already thinking about spiritual things (I met someone like this in just this way, and I'm pretty sure the prayer I prayed for them made a real difference). Any jackass can go to church. That proves little. Most believers in our country are near strangers with God, and wouldn't be able to hear from God if their life depended on it. Most people know God's love as a largely theoretical thing, not something that is life-changing. I'm not saying that these activities are worthless, but in my opinion, they are worth considerably less than people give them credit for. God isn't into doing. Look at the life of Christ- 30 years of development, for 3 years of ministry. Even when in ministry, Christ still took time to pray and be alone with God when he had chances. That is because, being was always meant to come before doing. You can become a great doer, by just learning how to "be" first.

Keys to being- you must discover God's lovingkindness for yourself, without which you will accomplish very little real good in the kingdom. If your core being hasn't been transformed to the point where your security is no longer dependent on what you do, and you can sit at home away from a meeting and not feel guilty about the fact that you did not go, then you have made real progress. Be-ers are not insecure about what they don't do, they see "things to do" as opportunities, which they size up the value of relative to other priorities. Be-ers make time to be alone with God regularly, because they know that success outside is based on preparation inside. Sometimes, if things are tough, a Be-er may shut down for awhile. This is very hard for the Do-er to understand, because their worth is found in what they do, not in who they are in God. The Be-er knows, though, that their worth is not dependent in what they do, and while riding out the tough seasons is rough, it is a greater sin to break down, join the crowd of do-ers and try to find your well-being in other's opinions rather than God's. Being is hard- it takes a lot of security. Be-er's recognize that they need to do some things that are hard to do, from time to time, but also recognize that their failure to act in such a situation does not have an impact on how God sees them, just that the other person or people didn't get to be loved by the Be-er, or the Be-er missed out on receiving love from God. I see being, at times, is like the caterpillar and the butterfly. You start off with what looks like an ugly worm (the doer, pretransformation, or the be-er right at the end of a really tough season). Then the caterpillar discovers that he doesn't have to do anything to be loved, and thus begins to form a coccoon. While in the coccoon, the caterpillar appears to be doing absolutely nothing. The truth is, though, if your identity is in Christ's love, you don't need to do anything to be loved. At some point during the transformation process, spiritual truths about the kingdom get absorbed. The pains, hurts of the past, and all the garbage associated with doing starts to be shed. No longer does the caterpillar need to impress... as the butterfly, it is free. Free to love without fear, free to do what God leads them to do, free to just be. As a butterfly, love looks like an opportunity, not an obligation. Freedom means being free from needing others' approval. Freedom means living at one's own pace, not giving one wit what others think about it. As the butterfly, you choose the opportunities that sound rewarding, and are otherwise appealing- particularly the ones pointed out by our king- and it really doesn't matter whether the people around you see the value in it or not. When you discover that God's opinion is the only one that matters, you are free to ignore the doers who live for other's opinions but not God's, never understanding that only his opinion and judgement matters whatsoever. Life becomes a thing of quality over quantity, and love becomes a free-flowing thing of beauty.

Now, my one caveat. You do need other butterflies in your life to sharpen you, to help you see when you are going awry. Nevertheless, aside from gleening wisdom wherever you can find it, you never want to make a choice solely because it is what others want you to do- that is the sin that keeps everyone from greatness. Love must always come from the heart, or it is not love- it is coercion, and coerced actions mean little to our king, who cares only about what we give freely from the heart. That is what our king desires- our freely given heart, not some coerced social appearance of piety. True love is only found given freely, or it is something else, not love...

My Story, From Heaven's Perspective (Job Redux)

As usual, God was on his throne with the angels, when the devil showed up to talk to God, as he sometimes does.

"Have you noticed my servant Sean?" God says. "He loves me wholeheartedly. He's a great servant who loves to go the extra mile, even though I let you torment him for years and wound him incessantly. He lives by my love, and he's a history maker, in spite of your work in his childhood, as well as his time at Celebration. And, he doesn't blame me for any of it. You've totally failed with him." The devil responded, "Does he love you for nothing? You've granted total access to your presense 24/7. He hears of your unending love, and he gets the joy of ministering to others, a joy he gets from his unfettered access to you. I also know that you are right, taking your presense away wouldn't destroy him, you may be right about that, but what if I got ahold of his gift? He would then surely curse you to your face." "Really?" says God. "Hmmm... I'll take that action. I'll even do better than that- I'll let you have the man's sanity, I'll even let you have access to most of his relationships. However, I get final editorial authority on the prophetic words you give him. You may craft the words, but I get to edit them before you give them. Is it a bet?" says God. "I want one more thing... those words you give him, they must be somewhat misdirectional. I want to spoil his reputation, by making it look like he's obsessed with something he's not obsessed with. Also, I want access to the man's identity. I want him to think he's the Christ- with that belief, it will be EVEN TOUGHER for him to recover. I think, with all of that, he will SURELY curse you and reject you entirely" said the devil. "Okay," said God. "I agree to your terms. Let's be clear about this, though- the wager is not about what happens while he's under your direction, but what happens afterwards that defines who wins. Obviously, after going through something like this, it will take time for anybody to recover. How about two years?" "Fair is fair. Done." said the devil, and he left to begin the work.

For a long time, I didn't know what to make of what happened. I've felt betrayed by my closest friend, the God I love and serve. Until today, that is. It's funny how God will use things, to bring about his purposes- I got my first assignment in a long time. It wasn't hard, and it wasn't crazy, though God did ask for a lot. I realized, though, that I'm still loved. I also believe, that God's "editorial privileges" in this situation, both made it tougher to recover, but also at the same time, he made progress on a few... projects he needed work done on, that perhaps couldn't have made as much progress on in as short a time, any other way. I know... many may disagree with me. I don't care. What I do know, is I was faithful, even if in my faithfulness I went off the deep end. Does that mean I'm going off my meds? Hell no. However, I'm beginning to lose some of the edge off my anger towards God. I think that is a good thing. Will it be another year until I'm fully recovered? Honestly, I didn't know what time frame to put there. All I know, is that I'm pretty sure the devil is losing the bet. I still love God... or at least part of me does. It's a start...

Marriage, Redux Without The Insanity

I know I posted about this already, but... since I was crazy when I wrote about it, I've decided to revisit the topic, now that I'm... clinically sane. Here goes nothing.

I believe I was largely correct in that post. I'm not sure, though, that the best reason for me being right was clearly elucidated. There isn't anything wrong with weddings, though I still think it is a bit silly to treat weddings like some kind of sex-christmas. I still think that is a bit lame. However, it isn't the worst crime to wait until after the wedding to have intercourse- at least having a commitment-defining moment, that can be healthy. That could be done in other ways, besides a traditional wedding, but I'm really splitting hairs here. Really though, my biggest gripe is about the marriage license. There are legal ramifications that go along with such licenses, that complicate things. I think, in some- perhaps even many- of the legal complications created by such a license, could be unhealthy to a marriage, like I spelled out in that previous entry. The biggest, of course, is that should the two parties get divorced, basically the assets get split 50-50. If one party in the relationship has 100X more cash/assets than the other, it puts the person with the larger asset pool in a very awkward position. I don't think that is healthy for a relationship. You can't institutionalize a relationship anyways. Commitment comes from the heart. The kind of trust needed, to get a marriage license in the situation above, is prone to the kinds of manipulation that people who don't have a significant inequity in resources who live together deal with as well, why what they do is sin. The core issue here is love... and avoiding manipulation. Manipulation is the sin that must be avoided at all costs. There is no manipulation in love.

I guess I should point out something else. A friend pointed out to me, that if either party is being forced to get married against their will, that pretty much nullifies any meaning to the marriage. This isn't really a common topic in our culture, because most marriages are based on the free will of the parties involved, but my friend is very right. Free-will is the only basis for commitment that works at all, and if either party is getting married for some other reason besides love and commitment, that reason is evil.

Another brief thing- while I do believe that commitment is the bedrock of any healthy marraige (whether one chooses to have a wedding, or whether one chooses to get a marraige license, or neither), I don't believe it is all that is needed. I agree that arranged marriages, where both parties are willing, can make that work- and whether or not that is a good thing or not, I really don't know. What I do know, is that getting to know someone before allowing sexual intercourse to muddy the waters is usually very wise. I've never had sex, so I know I'm talking about something I haven't experienced, but my understanding is that sexual intercourse complicates relationships, and even two completely committed people may need to stay away from sex until both parties are ready for it. Relationships are as much a process as anything else, and that process shouldn't be short-cutted out of impatience. And, I still believe (of course) that total and complete commitment is a necessary prerequisite to a healthy relationship, that you'd die before you'd break that commitment, but just because that commitment is in place, doesn't mean the relationship is ready for intercourse, particularly if the parties involved have baggage that needs to be worked through.

To sum up, I don't think most people who choose to wait until after the wedding for sex, are doing themselves any great injustice. I do agree, that the idea of making a public commitment to your significant other, is a good idea in general. I'm not the biggest fan of marriage licenses. I think they codify something that should come from the heart. I also think, that the expensiveness of weddings, keeps two committed people who are ready for intercourse from having it until long after the relationship is ready, and sometimes committed people have intercourse after the relationship was ready, and then feel guilty about not having had a wedding already- that's really tragic, because if they are committed to each other and the relationship was prepared for it, there really was no sin in consummating such a relationship.

I know some people are not going to like this entry. Please think about this. I really think I'm right on this one... and I'm sane now.

Nelson Mandela, and Things I Don't Understand

I just watched Invictus, the movie about Nelson Mandela and what took place in the year or two after he became president of South Africa. There is a point in the movie, where the person Matt Damon played said something very interesting, paraphrased "How could a man spend 30 years in here and come out ready to forgive the people who put him there?" This quote comes close to home for me, for I was in jail 10 days, and hospitalized four months last year.

The truth is, there are things that are hard to understand, unless you've been there. I have a friend, who is in prison right now, and I'm sure he'd say I have no idea what it's like to be imprisoned. I suppose, to a certain extent at least, that he's right. However, for whatever it's worth, I do know what it feels like to be incarcerated for awhile, and that has to help me get some kind of idea what imprisonment might feel like. It's funny... I've been out of the hospital for over twice as long as I was in the hospital, but I'd swear it felt much longer, like the longest stretch of time I've ever experienced. Unless you've been incarcerated against your will for at least a week, you can't really imagine what it's like. All this to say, an amazing miracle occured in President Mandela's heart for him to leave prison with a heart prepared to forgive.

This is where we get to what is incomprehensible to me. For me, I feel like I've been ruined by the hospitalization. Between that, and how entwined my faith was in what happened that lead to me being incarcerated... I really don't know how to move forward. I've stopped caring about things I probably should care about. I've got anger... anger I don't know what to do with. So, how did Nelson Mandela do it? How did he leave prison with a heart of forgiveness? People who don't believe in miracles, I don't know how you can explain something like this outside of the miraculous. This kind of forgiveness, it only comes from above. For me, though, that doesn't help. This kind of heart... I wish my heart was like his. I've left the hospital scarred, and traumatized. He left prison prepared to lead a nation into peace and reconciliation. I envy him. I don't know what his role was, in keeping his heart soft. I just wish I could be more like him.

You know, usually I find a cool way to wrap up an entry such as this. Tonight, I see none but this- when you think of an offense, so serious as to be unforgivable, remember Nelson Mandela, and his heart attitude towards his enemies. If there were resources in heaven capable of making forgiveness possible for him, then there is hope for the rest of us. That... must be a good thing... I just wish I knew better how to access them...

Ode to the Best Dog I've Ever Known

Today... is a sad day for my family. We lost a favorite family member, a Miniature Schnauzer named Sam. Like a lot of dogs, Sam was very friendly. He loved everyone he met. He rarely barked, unless someone was visiting- in fact, for awhile we wondered if he would ever bark. The truth is, Sam had no enemies. Sam was so gentle, you could take his bone or his food away from him and he would just look at you, is eyes saying, "why are you doing this to me?" Sam was as good a pet as we could have asked for. He wasn't a fetcher, but that was only because he liked keepaway more. I've spent hours, over the years, playing with Sam, and I don't regret a single minute of it. Sam was one-of-a-kind. We got eight years with Sam, and my only regret is not getting any more. We all miss Sam like crazy. It was really hard to say goodbye. I hope I see him in heaven. Sam, if you can hear me, thank you for your years of time as our pet. We are so grateful to have had such a fine dog. If you read this, please pray for our family- we are all taking his loss quite hard. We won't be the same, now that he is gone.

No Title

My mom says she thinks blogs are mostly just... public diaries. When I started this blog, that was far away from what I wanted it to be. I did not want my blog to just be a public diary. Honestly, my journal was never really a journal anyways. In it, I just let God speak to me. He's said a lot of things to me, like telling me my wife would be smarter than me. Some of the things he's said, I thought were a load of bull. Anyhow, for good or for bad, today's entry... is a bit of a journal entry, a regular journal entry. My heart is sad. I feel... I made a commitment, a long time ago, to love people. To follow God wherever he wanted to send me, and to do whatever he told me to do. I thought... I was going to make a difference, for good. I was going to help people. I was going to show people what love looked like. That was my heart. I've always wanted to be a difference maker. I wanted to pour my life out and be a blessing to everyone I knew. I wanted to speak words that healed people. And my hope, what I wanted in return for this, was to have a modicum of respect. I know... it's wrong to have expectations about how people would respond. However, at this moment... I don't feel respected. Actually it is worse than that- somehow, I've become the villain. My heart aches... I'm broken. I'm less than a man. Hell, I'm not even providing for myself. The damn government takes care of me. I can't even respect myself. I lost one of my closest friends, and I don't see most of my other friends nearly as often as I would like. I'm some kind of pariah. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost a large percentage of what motivated me to live. And I feel like nobody gives a damn about me. People care more about what I do than how much I hurt. I'm lost. I wish I had answers. I wish... I wasn't so alone. I wish... someone really understood what it's like to go through what I've just been through. You know... I'm convinced answers don't exist. I'm hurting... and nobody has the slightest clue how to bandage my wounds. I'm broken... and nobody has any idea how to put me back together again. I'm angry... because people don't know what to say. I never thought I would regret "trying to love perfectly." I was crazy, sure... but bent on helping people, not hurting them. Now I've lost my place. I've lost my identity. I try not to hear from God. I hardly pray, except out of desparation. I'm not broken... I'm destroyed. I'll never think of ministry the same. I'll never look at myself the same. I'll never hear God the same. I have no answers. Graham Cooke once said that if a person has a high call in God, that first God has to put you in a dark closet and beat the living daylights out of you. I think I know what that feels like. Now I just need to figure out how to walk again.

To all those out there who feel irrepairably broken, I know how you feel. I just don't know what to say to help you get put back together again... I have no idea...

Drugs, Video Games, and Raw Materials

Tonight, while I was hanging out with someone who I'll affectionately call "The Pal," I had a very interesting conversation. See, The Pal believes (or did believe- I don't know whether I changed his mind or not) that video games are intrinsically evil, and should basically always be avoided. I know he isn't that extreme, because he and I play Monopoly, bowling, and pool on my Wii when he comes over, but his beliefs are pretty close to that. Now, The Pal is about to go to college, and I'm concerned that he might miss out on social opportunities and possibly alienate himself from his peers by his video game convictions, so the goal of this conversation was to show that maybe it wasn't video games themselves that were bad, nearly so much as how they are used. CS Lewis says, in the book "The Screwtape Letters," that nothing in itself is good or evil, but the question is how it is used, and how it affects a person's relationships around them, and whether it produces disobedience to God, and so on, that makes something good or bad, so if a person played video games in moderation, that might be okay. The Pal, being the very smart person that he is, then asked me a very difficult question- what about pot?

Now, to be clear here, in a lot of ways this question is fairly hypothetical/theoretical, because neither myself nor The Pal are ever likely to use marijuana- I can speak confidently about The Pal here, because I know him very well. However, this was an interesting topic for me, because it hit upon a subject that I have strong feelings about. When I was a kid, during the short time I was in Cub Scouts, I was given a poster that named most of the drugs in existence at that time, and next to each drug was a cartoon/picture of a demon and a list of all of the negative health side effects associated with each drug. For me, that pretty much did it. I never wanted anything to do with any drugs. Alcohol was included on that poster, and it took me awhile before I was okay with having a drink (I've never had more than two in an evening, so I'm definitely NOT an alcoholic), but other drugs... no. Honestly, I've never really even been around drugs. To this day, I'm not exactly sure what pot smells like when it's being smoked. And to top it all off, for reasons that I don't understand, I once "failed" a urine test for pot, and was accused by a doctor who did not know me at all of using pot. Fortunately, my parents knew that I was innocent, but I consider that one of the worst insults anyone has ever slung at me (particularly, since at that time, I wanted to be a DEA agent when I grew up). All this to say, I probably wouldn't "take a hit" unless someone put a gun to my head. Inspite of what I've heard- that pot isn't much worse than alcohol, and it is even legal for some people to use to handle the pain associated with certain medical conditions, honestly I could never see myself smoking a joint, and truth be told, I don't think I really ever want to even be in the presense of someone who is while they are smoking it. So, The Pal's question was challenging to me. I'm trying to ask myself, is there a situation where the need to socially bond with the people around me trumps the potential harm I would be doing to my body and the risk of becoming addicted? Of course there is also the question of legality, but I think the argument could be made that loving our neighbor might trump that. To me, though, that leads to a scary slippery slope- how far do we go down this path? What about drugs like heroine, cocaine, methamphetimines? Are these just "raw materials" as Screwtape says everything is? That is a tough question- I don't think I could ever love another human being enough to have anything to do with drugs like this. Maybe I could learn to be around drug addicts while they used- that in itself would be uncomfortable. Actually using myself- I can't see that ever happening. Maybe it isn't necessary. I just know that people often bond while doing an activity- and for me, playing a video game or having a drink, I see that the social value is worth it, and the harm to the body is negligible or possibly even beneficial. This assumes that you can do these things without becoming addicted (whether or not I'm a video game addict, that's a whole other question...) but otherwise it's fine. Honestly, from what I've heard, pot isn't much different from either of these, but it is to me. I wonder if that is okay. I wonder how much I really love the people who are prechristians. I wonder if I'm hypocritical here. In theory I could see a situation where I might agree that taking the hit would be the right thing to do, but in practice... for me, I just couldn't do it.

I wish that I knew what to make of all this. I guess, everyone has things where we have strong feelings about this or that. The good news is, I've spent time with alcoholics and drug addicts, and I have no trouble loving them. Maybe that is what they need, more than me "using" along with them. Maybe I'm not ready to be around them while they are using, but we all need to grow in one way or another, right? I've just got to give it time. Meanwhile, I have to keep thinking about "raw materials"... Was CS Lewis right? I don't know...

What We Can Learn From The Joker

To be clear here, I'm talking about the villain in the most recent Batman movie "The Dark Knight," and I'm not at all saying that being a murderous psychopath is a good thing. However, for those of you who have seen the movie, hopefully this post will make sense by the time I'm done.

I had to watch "The Dark Knight" several times before I realized something of great significance. The Joker had something good that many of us lack. Don't get me wrong- he's the closest I've ever seen to the devil himself. Nevertheless, he has a couple of attributes that are worthwhile, and without which, he'd be just another villain. See, the Joker had a cause. Now this cause is a cause of mayhem and destruction- his cause is as far away from anything good as we could possibly imagine. However, he was totally devoted to his cause. He had courage- something, without which no great man, for good or for evil, is ever made. There are many slimeballs out there who have no courage, and others who in a sense mean for good, but have no real backbone to make it happen. Courage is something we all need, and say what you want about the Joker but he certainly was courageous. Anybody who puts a gun in the hands of an enemy and puts his mouth around the barrel- that is courage. And to be truthful, he wasn't suicidal, he just cared more about his cause than his own life. How many people can you say that about? That they "did not love their lives even unto death"? According to The Revelation, that is one of the marks of genuine faith. I don't know if I have that kind of courage, but the Joker did. Also, I love the scene where the Joker is burning millions upon millions of dollars. I like it, because it is the ultimate sign of someone who did not love money, which Paul claims (depending on which bible translation you got) is the root of many evils. See, the fact that money meant nothing to him, made him all the more dangerous. If we as believers cared as little about money as the Joker did, we might be dangerous in a different kind of way- a good kind of way.

I know it is weird to speak admirably about a villain, but most villains that we think of have nothing admirable to them. And in most ways, the Joker is about as evil as they come. I would argue though, that these characteristics- his devotion to his cause (the corruption of the soul of Gotham), his courage in the face of death, and his complete disregard for money- he had no price- these characteristics were what made him a world shaker. The cause was as evil as they come, but the characteristics I just outlined were what made him successful. As believers we need to be like that. We need to be fearless. We need to be priceless. We need to have a cause greater than ourselves that is worth dying for. That is what we can learn from the Joker.

Kingdom Love, Part II

In this world, we don't really understand the kind of love that "lays its life down for its friends." We don't understand why a man would choose to be crucified so that we could be forgiven. We don't understand why a man would choose to be a vagabond and never get to go home in exchange for saving a friend's marriage, like Sam did in the last episode of Quantum Leap, or how Batman decides to take the blame for another man's crimes, so that his town could be spared of having 100+ criminals being released back on the streets. We don't understand this at all, because we are used to there being a catch. However, there is no catch to Jesus's open-armed offer of forgiveness for any and all who wanted it. He really does love us that much, more than we can ever comprehend. It is this love that touched my heart. At times, I wonder about the risks of being taken advantage of, because of the profound effect Jesus's love has had on me. However, the truth is love is never wasted. Unforgiveness only seems pragmatic when we don't see how great the love is that we've already received. What did Paul call us? "Imitators of Christ?" The truth is that His love has no catch. He's prepared to give up everything that we hold dear, so that he could be with us. So, the least we can do is have hearts that are easily moved to compassion and forgiveness. The least we can do is not keep record of wrongs. The least we can do, is turn the other cheek. We can forgive, because we've had his love lavished on us at every turn. He's always smiling at us, even when we think we've disappointed him. Love lets go of the past, and takes a risk of being taken advantage of, because love is what we all need. We all need to see that Jesus is smiling, even when we are at our worst, behaving at our worst.

I wish I could explain what love really is. The best I can say is that God's love for us is like the best day you've ever had in your whole life times 1000... and times 1000 again. And that is still not enough. We are loved so thoroughly that we can never, ever escape his grip. We have a home in God's heart, and despite what we may think, we cannot lose that, no matter how bad we fall. All we have to do, is believe it is so, and let go of all those filthy rags that we call our past transgressions. God is always there, even for the worst of us- in fact, especially for the worst of us. Please receive it today.

Sincerely,
Sean

Kingdom Love

In some ways I consider it... a tragedy that I feel the need to write this the way I have in mind to write it. For one thing, I'm going to share some stuff that to be honest, shouldn't be publicized. I could be accused of trying to make myself look good or trying to impress people. Unfortunately, there are some actions I took while I was crazy that... for the people involved, there is some ambiguity about my motivation, or even some beliefs that in fact I was being manipulative or worse. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm not trying to defend my actions. I'm arguing that while some of the choices I made were inappropriate, my motives were of kingdom love. That is one of my reasons for writing this. The other reason, is that christendom has failed us in teaching what genuine love looks like, and as a group, Christians tend to do the bare minimum, or nothing at all. I abhor this, and have for some time. This message is designed to encourage believers to treat people... as if Jesus were an extravagant lover, and that we should actually be the same.

Here are some examples of how this has looked like in the past, before the moments in question happened, in my life. Please don't judge me too harshly for sharing these things- honestly I'd prefer not to. However, I think this needs to be written, so the question about my motivation for doing what I did (not what I'm talking about here: these things I am writing about here happened awhile ago, and before now I hardly told anybody) can be completely put to rest. Hopefully this ends the issue.

I had a friend, who was sleeping on an air mattress- not the kind that are meant to last, but the cheap kind that you get at the store. He calls me up in the middle of the night because it popped. Now, he needs to get a good night's sleep. I think it was around 3:30 AM or some such ungodly hour, and I was asleep when he called. My first plan was to wire him the money to get another air mattress from Walmart, but I went to two or three places and that plan just wasn't working. I decided to take my air mattress, and my sleeping bag, and drive to Springfield, where my friend is. According to Google maps, it is about an hour's drive. I think it took longer than that. All told, I think it took me three and a half to four hours to do it all. I'll be truthful here- I don't know that I would have done this for a stranger. This was a friend. Still, I believe that is what kingdom love looks like.

I had a friend that I made through working at a convenience store who needed a phone so he could get calls from employers, and needed a ride to Albany and back so that he could get work. Now, for the phone, I really wanted to get him something that would meet the need for a substantial time period. I bought a "pay as you go" phone that got double minutes for any new minute cards he got, plus I got him a card that gave four hundred minutes plus a year of service. I believe the original bill came to $150, though for some reason I only got charged $130. After paying for all this, I gave it to him when I picked him up to take him to Albany. I spent most of the day taking him to the temp agencies around Albany. I also got the phone set up for him, because he's not the most technically savy person. And I did these things, because I loved him.

Other examples- I've given several hitchhikers rides, a few times way, way out of my way. Once I even pulled an all-nighter driving someone to their destination in Rockaway Beach, about 2.75 hours from here one way. I have no idea how many times I've bought people food, I've bought many people varying amounts of gasoline, and generally I take care of my peeps and try to meet every need that is within my reach. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I think this is what genuine love means. For those of you who believe my motives were evil for the other stuff, well, draw your own conclusions, but I have a clear conscience. For everyone else- try to remember we serve a king who left heaven, whose first night of sleep was not in a fancy crib but instead a feeding trough, who had no home of his own, never took a wife, and who lived his whole life as an other-centered person. Go and do likewise.

Favorite Memories/ Things I Like

This post is... going to be a bit whimsical, but C.S. Lewis said that one of the strongest defenses against worldliness, is liking something without the least bit of a care about what others think about it. So, while I can't say that this is deeply spiritual in a direct way, I do think that the things we like that we don't care what anybody thinks about has some spiritual value, in a very practical way. Honestly, I've spent a great deal of time thinking about the bad stuff: the mistakes, the pain, all the garbage in my life, but not so much time looking at my happiest moments, and the things that I can honestly say, I really like. So here goes.

1) There was an invitation-only tournament that I was invited to, as the cream of high school chess players. Honestly, the first day I washed out. I lost all three games that day. What I like, is that the next day I came back and beat the two highest rated players in the tournament. The first game was a marathon- I'm pretty sure we used the vast majority of the six hours or so alloted for the game, because we were both in time trouble, but I pulled it off. The second game was a thing of beauty. I don't believe I've played a more beautiful chess game in my whole life. To come back and play spoiler, after my chances of winning the tournament were obliterated, to be honest, I'm more proud of the tenacity I showed that day than anything else I've done, except for graduating from college.

2) I split a state title in chess. The competition in this tournament wasn't as concentrated as the one I just mentioned, but I trained a long time for this, and I still consider that a significant accomplishment. I think it was in this moment, that I realized the value of being really good at something.

3) I saw my favorite geyser-Artimesia- twice. Oh my word, that is a beautiful sight. In the natural world, I don't believe there is anything more
beautiful. The first time I waited for three hours, and was starting to leave when it went off- I almost missed it. The second time, I arrived just as it was starting. Considering that there is a huge variation in how frequently it goes off- it is impossible to predict even remotely accurately- I think God's hand was in it. And, I am very thankful to have seen such a marvel twice, and I look forward to seeing it again some day.

4) Skating the Rideaux Canal. For some reason, this pops up for me as a favorite memory. That was beautiful.

5) Beating a bully at school for the last chess team spot- twice!

6) Shopping/hanging out at Powell Books. That book store, along with the technical book store nearby, is one of my favorites. Book stores are cool, but Powell's is something else...

7) Bicycling really fast. There are two moments that stand out in this regard. Neither are moments I intend to repeat in exactly the same way, but they are still significant. One, going down the hill near my house. I crashed by missing the turn, but my speedometer said I was going 50. 50! The other time, was when I was going down the hill on the other side of Summit on the way to the beach. My speedometer said I was going 30! I was in the middle of the road, and am fortunate I didn't get killed by a logging truck. Still, that was memorable.

8) Succeeding in biking to and from the coast. I remember when I finished a 60 mile trek from Philomath, through Summit and Siuslaw, to Newport, and finally to Beverly Beach. I tell you, there are VERY few accomplishments that are comparable. Oh, it felt good to run my own vacation this way-I didn't just bike to the coast, I biked there with my bike loaded for bear, making the feat more satisfying. It felt good to know I was capable of biking that distance, particularly with all the hills between here and the coast. I wish I was in that kind of shape now.

9) Running the Race to Robbie Creek- twice! That half marathon is grueling. I guess that's the only one comparable to 8).

10) Eating out at Romano's Grill while I was hospitalized, and having "Happy Birthday" sung to me in Italian by an aspiring operatic singer, studying such at PSU. That was marvelous. I also enjoyed eating Italian both times I was in San Fransisco- South Beach has fantastic Italian food, and when I heard about South Beach while I was taking a tour of the area in 2007, I knew I just had to have an authentic Italian food experience, and I did on that trip. The tour guide mentioned a "Rocco's Cafe," and in my more recent trip, I got to go there. It was awesome, too. I guess, if I'm going to eat out really fancy, Italian is what comes to mind. I guess, that's just one of my quirks.

11) Visiting Cal-Berkeley. That was cool. I've decided I want to do graduate studies there, and so I have my work cut out for me. Nevertheless, that is where I believe I'm going to get my master's from.

12) Visiting The Mission, in Vacaville, California. I really believe this is where my next spiritual home is, and it is where I want to put roots. If nothing else, when I get accepted to Cal-Berkeley, I want to move down there and go to church there.

13) Listening to Graham Cooke speak. I've been fortunate to go to several conferences where he has spoken, and I've enjoyed all of them. I love how he describes the life of faith, about... what is possible in the Christian life. He's my spiritual hero.

14) Texas Holdem'. I love that game. Not a whole lot of accomplishments there yet, but maybe at some point I'll take a crack at it. I'd love to see just how good I am at this.

There you have it. I know it isn't a complete list, but a lot of very happy memories are contained in this list. It is by no means comprehensive, but I think I got the most significant highlights. I think, these things are what make me... well, me. And, I think I like myself, just the way I am.

Sincerely,
Sean

A Dream and a Trip Game Changing

There are moments, in a person's life, that change everything. Most change that happens in life happens gradually- that's a realistic picture of the nature of change. However, sometimes something happens, that alters our perspective in a significant way. For me, I've recently had two such moments- the trip, and the dream.

In the trip, it was like I found myself. I realized that I had... some desires that I was ignoring. I found a school I wanted to go to for graduate studies. I found a church I wanted to be a part of. In the midst of these discoveries, I found... myself. Yeah, I found myself, in a way I hadn't anticipated. Some of the post traumatic stress disorder went away. I was at peace. I discovered rest. It was good.

The other life-changing event, was a dream. To put perspective on this, I was... really, really upset with someone. I didn't like how they were handling things, and honestly... I really didn't know what to do. Last night, though... I had a dream. In that dream I had a conversation with this person. Somehow, this dream defused my anger. I don't know if a dream has ever had that effect on me, of calming me down. I was ready to move far away out of anger, or at least with anger being one of the motivators. Now... I'm closer to being at peace, of letting go. I still don't understand, why this person handled things the way they did, but I'm coming to realize that needing to understand isn't necessarily a prerequisite to moving on. What does the word say? "Love is patient... love is kind... love is not easily angered... love doesn't boast." Yeah, I don't know that all the anger is gone. Peace will still be a challenge. However, the vindictive edge to it has passed on. I'm calm, ready to move forward. I want to get back to the life I once had. I've still lost a close friend, but I've discovered a deeper understanding of what true friendship is. And... I think I'm coming to grips with just being me. I don't even know for sure what that means, and yet I feel it is accurate.

Life... life is only going to get better from here. That I believe. There are things I want to do, and now I'm going to try to spend my life in ways that make sense. I want to bring to life one of my favorite quotes- "Get busy living or get busy dying- that's God's honest truth." I think it's time to get busy...

Sincerely,
Sean

Anger

When I think about the subject of anger, there is a scene in one of my favorite movies that comes to mind. It is a scene in the movie "3:10 to Yuma," and for those of you who haven't seen the movie, Ben Wade is a dangerous outlaw, and Dan Evans is a crippled rancher with a lot of integrity. Anyhow, there is another character in this movie, a guy who much earlier on had burned Dan's barn to the ground. This same guy made the mistake of tormenting Ben Wade while they were taking Ben to the town where he'd be picked up and taken by train to prison, and Ben killed him while he was sleeping. Dan and Ben later have a conversation, and Dan makes what I consider to be a profound remark. "But wishing him dead and killing him are two different things." I say this because I know I would never physically hurt or kill anyone, that is outside of who I am, but I'll be darned if I'm not amazingly pissed off at certain people and wish they were dead. It's a fine line really. What do you do with that kind of anger? I really don't know. It's a toxic emotion for sure. Bitterness, rage, anger, frustration, pissed off... I'm angry at too many people. Too many people I'm frustrated with. It is a feeling... a feeling that can be hard to handle. There is one person in my life, that I have to see about once a month, who if they died tomorrow, I'd probably celebrate. I'm serious. This person... is a piece of work. They piss me off just about every time I see them. I'm just glad I don't have to see them any more often than I do, because I'm pretty sure I couldn't stand to be around them anymore than I already am. There are others... I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be in the same room with them again. I'm angry. I'm angry about people trying to fix me, I'm angry about people who have all the tact of a porcupine, I'm angry about people judging me and jumping to conclusions they have no business coming to, people who don't know me and assume to know why I've done what I've done. I'm angry. I know, that I used to write about answers to things people struggle with, but these days, I don't have answers. I just have anger. And the characters I relate to the most in television and movies these days, are the broken ones, whose lives have come unhinged. My life is definitely unhinged. I just wish I knew how to deal with all this anger.

Sincerely,
Sean

Relating to a Villain

One of my favorite shows, Heroes, has a character in it named Gabriel, AKA Sylar. Through most of the seasons, this character was the main villain, although villiany in that show is spread around a bit and characters are more complex. When I first started watching the show, the character I liked the most was Peter, who basically always did the right thing. The truth is, though, nobody is really like Peter, or very few. We all mean well- well, most of us anyways, but few of us really follow our conscience as we should. In season one, it did seem for the most part, that Sylar had no conscience. Over time, however, it became apparent that he was complicated. It also is revealed that he wasn't solely responsible for his becoming a killer, that he had a little bit of help on that end. Also, in one timeline in the show, Sylar completely reformed himself. There were scenes, too, where Gabriel did the right thing, against his normal nature. The truth is, he was complex, as far as villains go. Most villains of television or movies are pretty flat. Gabriel, though... he's been complex for awhile, and the most recent season ends with him saving the day. How his transformation happened, he spent what felt to him like five years in a dreamlike state, alone for the first two years and then with Peter the last three years. I've known for awhile, though, that he was capable of good. I was cheering him on. I was always hoping he'd make the right call. Somehow, he was the character I cared about the most. It's weird how that happened, how I became attached to a serial killer. Perhaps because the show creators showed multiple facets of who he is, and gave a more complete picture of his history, how he got that way. We all have stories, there are always reasons why we do what we do. Everybody is complicated in one way or another. Maybe I related to Gabriel because he was understandable, I don't know. CS Lewis talks about how people who are great towards evil are also capable of being great towards good, that it is the people in the middle who have no real strength are the people also incapable of being a significant hero; I think that has something to do with intensity of purpose. At some point in watching Heroes I became convinced that Gabriel was worth saving, and that made his conversion all the more meaningful when it happened.

I know there are people in our lives that have hurt us and caused us pain. My hope, for me and for others, is that we would try to see the humanity in all of us. No matter how evil the villain, there's always a story of how they got that way- I'm not saying that their story justifies their actions, but it might help to ease the bitterness and the pain. Forgiveness only comes through understanding, and forgiveness is really for ourselves and not them.

Sincerely,
Sean

Songs that Mean Something to Me

For some reason, there are a few songs that speak to me where I'm at right now, and I feel inclined, for reasons that I don't fully comprehend, to share them. It is weird for me, that the songs that I think about most, and have the most meaning to me at this time, are songs that are, as best as I can tell, very secular. I wish I understood better the connection between me and these songs, but I guess it has to do with a sense that I am somehow understood by them. Okay, so here goes.

The first song is Paul Simon's "The Obvious Child." You can watch the video here. I think what I connect with in this song most is the apparent frustration being aired here. I can relate to that frustration, that disappointment with how things have gone, that anger. I also sense some sadness in the song. Since I'm mourning all that I've lost due to my bout with insanity, I can very easily relate to these emotions- I feel the same way. I do resent how certain people have treated me, that certain people have been dishonest with me because they felt I couldn't handle the truth, and that resentment resonates with that song. The chorus "I don't expect to be treated like a fool no more, I don't expect to sleep through the night Some people say a lie is just a lie But I say the cross is in the ballpark Why deny the obvious child?" really hits that hard. It is funny how music connects us to feelings we may not even know how to otherwise articulate. I feel this song expresses my feelings better than I could otherwise express.

Another song that speaks to me is "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen, which can be found here. This song expresses some frustrations that I really connect well with. "There's a joke, it's wild, and it's on me." is a sentiment I can connect with very easily enough. And I definitely feel like I'm dancing in the dark- I feel this phrase is about uncertainty, not sure where life is going, some confusion, yeah there really a range of emotions in this song I can relate to. What I find ironic, is the most popular youtube video for this song, found here, it may sound more like the original cut of the song, but the facial expressions during the song don't match up nearly as well to the emotions of the song. It's like there was a disconnection between himself and the emotions of the song while he was singing it. I like the version I first linked better, even though it goes unnecessarily long at the end, because the facial expressions he made while singing the song lined up better with the emotions of the song.

There is one other song that I relate with, and happily enough the author, who is a believer, his faith is integral to the song, yet it too relates to the sadness and frustration I currently feel. I'm talking about Rich Mullin's "Hold Me Jesus," which can be found here. Sadly, I couldn't find a live video of him just playing this song, which is too bad. One of the coolest things about Rich Mullins is that he never sugar-coated the life of faith in his music. His music often has emotions in it that relate to the harsher realities that the life of faith experiences, which means a lot to me, because that is where I've been my whole life. Nothing has been easy for me. Right now, I feel like I'm in some dark cave that no one quite understands, and few know how to relate to me where I'm at. It is weird, to go from a place of confident knowing, to a state of lostness that I don't know how to describe. I wish I had answers about why what happened happened, but I don't. I really don't know anything, but I do believe that I am loved by God, whatever that means. I may not understand it, and I may reject it some days, but I still believe it is there. I wish putting my life together was a lot easier than it is, but it just isn't. There ought to be answers, but none that I've found. What I find sadest of all, is that even though I am basically myself now (minus the joy and spiritual confidence), people are still avoiding me or even scared of me. I guess you can't do your best immitation of the Tasmanion Devil from Loony Tunes and then expect things to be normal four months later, but that doesn't make things any easier now. Oh well.

I hope this post helps someone. I don't know that I'm necessarily trying to help anyone; hell, I don't even know how to help myself. Nevertheless, maybe someone else will connect with it. Who knows. I've never felt so undone before in my whole life, and if you are in a crisis of epic proportions that is over your head, well, at least you know I have some idea what you might feel like.

Sincerely,
Sean