Songs that Mean Something to Me

For some reason, there are a few songs that speak to me where I'm at right now, and I feel inclined, for reasons that I don't fully comprehend, to share them. It is weird for me, that the songs that I think about most, and have the most meaning to me at this time, are songs that are, as best as I can tell, very secular. I wish I understood better the connection between me and these songs, but I guess it has to do with a sense that I am somehow understood by them. Okay, so here goes.

The first song is Paul Simon's "The Obvious Child." You can watch the video here. I think what I connect with in this song most is the apparent frustration being aired here. I can relate to that frustration, that disappointment with how things have gone, that anger. I also sense some sadness in the song. Since I'm mourning all that I've lost due to my bout with insanity, I can very easily relate to these emotions- I feel the same way. I do resent how certain people have treated me, that certain people have been dishonest with me because they felt I couldn't handle the truth, and that resentment resonates with that song. The chorus "I don't expect to be treated like a fool no more, I don't expect to sleep through the night Some people say a lie is just a lie But I say the cross is in the ballpark Why deny the obvious child?" really hits that hard. It is funny how music connects us to feelings we may not even know how to otherwise articulate. I feel this song expresses my feelings better than I could otherwise express.

Another song that speaks to me is "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen, which can be found here. This song expresses some frustrations that I really connect well with. "There's a joke, it's wild, and it's on me." is a sentiment I can connect with very easily enough. And I definitely feel like I'm dancing in the dark- I feel this phrase is about uncertainty, not sure where life is going, some confusion, yeah there really a range of emotions in this song I can relate to. What I find ironic, is the most popular youtube video for this song, found here, it may sound more like the original cut of the song, but the facial expressions during the song don't match up nearly as well to the emotions of the song. It's like there was a disconnection between himself and the emotions of the song while he was singing it. I like the version I first linked better, even though it goes unnecessarily long at the end, because the facial expressions he made while singing the song lined up better with the emotions of the song.

There is one other song that I relate with, and happily enough the author, who is a believer, his faith is integral to the song, yet it too relates to the sadness and frustration I currently feel. I'm talking about Rich Mullin's "Hold Me Jesus," which can be found here. Sadly, I couldn't find a live video of him just playing this song, which is too bad. One of the coolest things about Rich Mullins is that he never sugar-coated the life of faith in his music. His music often has emotions in it that relate to the harsher realities that the life of faith experiences, which means a lot to me, because that is where I've been my whole life. Nothing has been easy for me. Right now, I feel like I'm in some dark cave that no one quite understands, and few know how to relate to me where I'm at. It is weird, to go from a place of confident knowing, to a state of lostness that I don't know how to describe. I wish I had answers about why what happened happened, but I don't. I really don't know anything, but I do believe that I am loved by God, whatever that means. I may not understand it, and I may reject it some days, but I still believe it is there. I wish putting my life together was a lot easier than it is, but it just isn't. There ought to be answers, but none that I've found. What I find sadest of all, is that even though I am basically myself now (minus the joy and spiritual confidence), people are still avoiding me or even scared of me. I guess you can't do your best immitation of the Tasmanion Devil from Loony Tunes and then expect things to be normal four months later, but that doesn't make things any easier now. Oh well.

I hope this post helps someone. I don't know that I'm necessarily trying to help anyone; hell, I don't even know how to help myself. Nevertheless, maybe someone else will connect with it. Who knows. I've never felt so undone before in my whole life, and if you are in a crisis of epic proportions that is over your head, well, at least you know I have some idea what you might feel like.

Sincerely,
Sean