Anger

When I think about the subject of anger, there is a scene in one of my favorite movies that comes to mind. It is a scene in the movie "3:10 to Yuma," and for those of you who haven't seen the movie, Ben Wade is a dangerous outlaw, and Dan Evans is a crippled rancher with a lot of integrity. Anyhow, there is another character in this movie, a guy who much earlier on had burned Dan's barn to the ground. This same guy made the mistake of tormenting Ben Wade while they were taking Ben to the town where he'd be picked up and taken by train to prison, and Ben killed him while he was sleeping. Dan and Ben later have a conversation, and Dan makes what I consider to be a profound remark. "But wishing him dead and killing him are two different things." I say this because I know I would never physically hurt or kill anyone, that is outside of who I am, but I'll be darned if I'm not amazingly pissed off at certain people and wish they were dead. It's a fine line really. What do you do with that kind of anger? I really don't know. It's a toxic emotion for sure. Bitterness, rage, anger, frustration, pissed off... I'm angry at too many people. Too many people I'm frustrated with. It is a feeling... a feeling that can be hard to handle. There is one person in my life, that I have to see about once a month, who if they died tomorrow, I'd probably celebrate. I'm serious. This person... is a piece of work. They piss me off just about every time I see them. I'm just glad I don't have to see them any more often than I do, because I'm pretty sure I couldn't stand to be around them anymore than I already am. There are others... I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be in the same room with them again. I'm angry. I'm angry about people trying to fix me, I'm angry about people who have all the tact of a porcupine, I'm angry about people judging me and jumping to conclusions they have no business coming to, people who don't know me and assume to know why I've done what I've done. I'm angry. I know, that I used to write about answers to things people struggle with, but these days, I don't have answers. I just have anger. And the characters I relate to the most in television and movies these days, are the broken ones, whose lives have come unhinged. My life is definitely unhinged. I just wish I knew how to deal with all this anger.

Sincerely,
Sean