Thoughts On Being A Transformative Husband

This entry... is the product of a lot of thought. I've often wondered how I'd handle being in this kind of relationship, how a man could play a role in the spiritual and emotional development in the life of his lover, and I've decided to try to put my thoughts on paper (so to speak). Honestly, this may seem somewhat theoretical, seeing as I've never had a girlfriend, but my friends have told me that they are impressed by my wisdom gifting, and I've read several books that either were solely about this subject, or had sections about this, so I'm going to take a crack at this. Feel free to laugh at things that are off, but God usually gives me good stuff even if I'm talking about something I don't have much first-hand knowledge with... so here goes.

First of all, there is this issue of self-esteem that needs addressing. Most women struggle with their appearance, thinking that they are unattractive, or even ugly. This is really sad, from a guy's perspective- we often see beauty where they only see ugly. I do think there are things that a guy could do that could help. Perhaps if you are dining in, maybe (assuming you've developed a level of trust appropriate for this) you could request that she not wear makeup and jewelry. I think the way to phrase it is "I'd like to see you as how God made you." My opinion is that women largely wear makeup, because they don't like how they look without it, and they've been wounded by other people criticizing their appearance. If a guy can honestly assure his woman that she looks fine without all that stuff, I think that could be the beginning of what I imagine will be a very long healing process regarding their self-image and self-esteem. I'd suggest this for other dates as well, but if someone in public was an ass and criticized your lover for how she looked without makeup, that would largely diminish any progress made, and might even make things worse. The goal, in the long term, would be she'd become secure enough in how she looks that that wouldn't matter, but most women are a long ways from that point as it is, and one negative remark from some idiot passerby could potentially ruin six months worth of positive reinforcement and encouragement. I can back this idea up with scripture (paraphrase): "Women should adorn themselves with good works rather than jewelry," but I think this project should be done gradually, at whatever pace your lover is comfortable with. This is a project of love, and requires a great deal of tact and nurturing, or it will fail miserably. As guys, we also need to learn to not be so focused on what we see. That beauty, is the cherry on top of the whip cream, on top of the ice cream sundae- it has its place, but as cherries go is only worth so much, and we need to grow up in how we look at the opposite sex. They are more beautiful than we give them credit for, and certainly way more than they give themselves credit for. I don't think I could be interested in a girl that wasn't attractive to me, and can say with complete honesty that I've thought every woman I was really interested in was beautiful to me and I wouldn't change a thing about any of them in their appearance, but I'm realizing I was (at times) a bit shallow that way. For example, I'd have a hard time dating a really thin girl. I'm shallow that way. I realize I have growing up to do, because truth be told, that really doesn't matter that much, period.

Another large key is figuring out what kind of love our significant other appreciates most. As I understand it, there are five love languages- words of affirmation, physical touch, gift giving, quality time, and acts of service. Within these love languages, there are a lot of variations. Figuring out which one is most important, and what ways that you can speak this love language that will resonate as meaningful, is critical to ministering to your lover. For example, if your lover hated loading the dishwasher, and acts of service was meaningful to her, then loading the dishwasher every day might mean the world to her. It might mean more than all the flowers and candy in the world. Another example: I knew a guy who bought a large bouquet of roses for his wife. In talking to her later, though, she wasn't a big fan- she would have prefered time and money to go shopping. He could have given her cash or a gift card for half the value of the roses, and made sure she had an opportunity to spend an afternoon shopping, saved half the money and scored three times the points (so to speak...). The goal largely is to be effective first, and extravagantly effective second... but I'll get to that soon enough. My point is not about saving money, but about knowing your lover well enough to know what will and won't work best- that is what I'm getting at. You could get your lover roses every day, but if she likes daisies or hugs better, you won't be anywhere near as effective as you want, and she may even feel you don't love her enough. That is the outcome to be avoided. It may take experimentation and lots of questions, but with some work and practice, you can hopefully become effective at speaking her language(s) (usually there is a secondary one that matters a fair amount as well), which will fill her love tank, which keeps the relationship fresh and satisfying. I'll admit there is a place for trying to help your lover learn how to love you the way you wish to be loved, but that is the subject for another entry...

Another critical component to ministering to your lover, is expressing her value to you. There is a tale I read (true or not, it is worth mentioning), about a man who decided upon a woman who people thought looked plain. Now, in his culture, a man "bought" a woman from the father with cattle. Normally, a man paid two or three cattle for such, and paying one was a bit like low-balling and was discouraged. Now, this man was very shrewd. He knew that while in this case he could get away with paying just one, he knew that how she'd feel about him, would differ, depending on how much value he expressed she had to him by how much he paid. He paid EIGHT cattle for her (an unheardof amount- four or six was considered the max for the most beautiful women on the island). Imagine what this did for her. She felt loved, more than any other woman on the whole island. Some folks visited them after they were married, and she was beaming. Because he put such a high value to her, it changed her in a way that was beyond comprehension- she became the beauty that was worth what he paid. The outside, is a reflection of what is inside, and the value a husband puts on his wife, can have a powerful impact, perhaps even on her physical appearance. Certainly, I think when husbands express value in their lovers over the span of their relationship, I think that it enables their lover to age more gracefully, and helps allow that inner beauty to come to the surface. I also think, that it helps a man develop "rose-colored glasses" of sorts- they will come to see the beauty that was already there. I believe these are both true. Love can easily last a lifetime, if only a husband learned to effectively love their wife extravagantly, as Jesus loves the church.

My final subject is on the primary difference in what women need. Women generally talk about their problems to feel better, and not looking for solutions, so we as men must learn to listen and be judicious about when to suggest how to fix it (if at all). If my sister is talking about her day, and for some reason I really want to share a possible solution, I'll ask if I can share it (whether that is even good or not is debatable...) but at least I'm recognizing that she may not be interested in a solution, which is often the case. We guys talk about problems usually because we can't figure it out ourselves, but women tend to talk about problems just to feel better. Also, women tend to appreciate little acts of love almost as much as big ones, so while the big ones are good, doing the little things daily will mean as much or more than just occasionally doing "big" things. Women also tend to shift more emotionally than men, and when our lover is down, we need to be especially gracious, patient, and listen carefully. That will help them rebound a little faster, and make the times when she feels good all the more better.

I think there is much more to be said on this subject, but I think I've hit on the high points. I think the biggest key, overall, is making oneself a student of what makes one's lover tick. Finding out ways to display the love we have in ways that will hit our lover's real needs so that they feel more loved than they ever imagined... That's game-changing. I think, if men spent half the time trying to figure out how to show their wives they are loved, in ways that they had discovered would really mean something to them as they do with watching sports, or doing their hobbies, or all the other stuff we men love to do, we'd have much better love-lives, and (yeah I'm going to say it) better sex lives too. I think marriages can and should last a lifetime, and while it takes two to tango, I think that husbands not loving their wives well is usually the core issue when things fall apart. If we love our wives like Jesus loves the church, I think it becomes much easier for them to give us the respect we need, which helps us love them all the more.

If you are curious where all this came from... here are the primary sources (all books I own...):

The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, by John Gray PHd
Written In Stone: The Ten Commandments and Today's Moral Crisis, by Philip Graham Ryken