It Belongs to You? Really?

I had this epiphany on my way home from work. Honestly, I had read about this particular idea in "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, but truthfully this topic is not something that gets talked about in Christian circles as much as it should, and even when it IS talked about, I don't think the truth of it really sinks in. I'm not sure how deeply I get it yet, but... I think the truth of what I'm saying went a level deeper than it was before. This topic- the fact that everything belongs to God, including our time, our bodies, our money, and our relationships, requires elaboration.

I think as Christians we tend to give lip-service to this idea. We SAY that it all belongs to God, but... we don't really believe it. Take the subject of sexual sin. God says that all sexual activity outside the confines of marriage are forbidden. How do we respond? We say "It's our body. We may do as we please." Same thing with homosexual activity. Ultimately, everything from masturbating to porn to having sex with anyone you aren't married to (and homosexual marriages aren't acknowledged by God) falls outside of how sex was intended by God. How do we respond to this? It's OUR body, so we may do as we please. We do the same thing with our time, our money- pretty much anything we use and abuse that one could think of owning, we claim ownership over. However, our bodies and our time and money- who said that they were actually ours? Of course, to the secular mind we ARE a body, so it follows from such a perspective that our bodies belong to us. Truthfully, we could no more create a human being through working with dust than a pig could learn to fly. All body functions are in some sense understandable by science, however we are in no position to WILL things to work as they do. The miracle of life is beyond our control. Our bodies belong to God- they have from the beginning of time. We are borrowing them, as we ARE a soul, not a body. When we die, our body is reclaimed, and we continue on into new life, and we are given new bodies in a different realm. Our time on this earth also is not ours. Why do we think it is ours? Who told us that we own our time here on earth? I'm not sure where this idea came from. We think that by being given free will, that somehow the choices we make belong to us. This is an illusion. Please don't misunderstand me- I don't believe God to be a harsh taskmaster who doesn't want us to have any fun or that we would have no say in how our time is spent. From the beginning, it was God's heart that we would work with him in how the time we are borrowing from him is used. Nevertheless, we ARE borrowing time. Every day is on loan from our maker. We could die at any time- surely if God wanted to, he could have taken my life or yours at any moment He chooses. The illusion of owning my time would then end and I would be forced to meet my maker. Hopefully that day will be a pleasant one and not a painful one, as Heaven is a gift and not an obligation from God.

Here within this message is a plain notion of why God only takes people who live by faith. Part of living by faith is giving to God what actually already belongs to God. If you do what you believe to be right, but don't actually acknowledge that everything we have is on loan from the creator of all things, you are not living in relationship with God, and that is a dangerous place to live. Being good or nice on your terms means denying God his full ownership of your life, and God refuses to play second fiddle to you. He is either God as his rightful place in your life, or he isn't. This is a hard word- and I myself struggle with it, but it is true. Truthfully, only two beings own everything- God and Satan. Anything that isn't devoted to God belongs to Satan, as we have no more ability to own anything than an ant does to the anthill it has created- as you know, such a hill can be destroyed by us at any time. Everything either belongs to God, or Satan: you choose...

The Nature of Faith In God

Modern conversation about faith often revolves around believing in the existence of God. However, believing in God is actually of little value in the kingdom by itself- to understand this, let's talk a bit about some major players in the Old Testament. It is where our journey begins.

Here's the thing. When God came to Abraham, he didn't say "Believe in me because I exist." He asked Abraham to believe that he would have a son, even though his wife and himself were quite along in years and having a kid at that point seemed to require a miracle. This is a pattern that we see consistently in the Bible. God asks his people to believe things that are borderline insane or perhaps even completely insane. We could mention Noah, who believed a major flood was coming and that he should build a boat to house his family and animals to preserve the lives that got on the boat. We could mention Joseph, who believed that God was going to have him be a ruler over his brothers and father- after which he was sold into slavery, and later thrown into prison. Then we could speak of David, who was anointed king of Israel, only to find himself hiding in the wilderness being chased around by a megalomaniac. In these stories, God says something fantastic and unbelievable, and really only the listener believes that what God is saying is true. Everyone else viewed it as rubbish. This is foundational in the kingdom. Anyone with a big purpose in the kingdom has to go through this. If you don't believe God is asking you to believe anything magnificent and seemingly crazy, then I would question whether you are a major player in the kingdom. The major players all have dreams that can only be accomplished by faith in the one who gave the dream. I think it takes more faith to believe God for a modern day miracle than to believe Jesus rose from the dead, something many modern Christians believe and is quite common. God wants you to believe in your own miracle- that vision God is giving you for your own life that you cannot accomplish on your own.

This is the truth right here. God is looking for people who will believe what God tells them and trust God implicitly. If you hear God say something to you that sounds too good to be true, it's only because by trusting God you will see the miracle God gave you come to pass. The bigger and more meaningful the vision, the greater the miracle inside you that needs to happen before the miracle around you can come to pass. David was just a shepherd when God had Samuel anoint him as king. It's because David believed that he was able to walk with God through all the trials between David and his becoming the next king of Israel. That is what true faith looks like- go and do likewise.

My Faith, Grace, and Shifting Theology

Over the past several weeks I've had some new ideas on what faith means. To me, it's hard because the book I read has some truth in it, but some of it contradicts what I've been taught, so I have to really think about what I think the truth really is. I've decided that what makes the best, the absolute best people is grace. The idea that we come to God with nothing, and that he loves us where we are for what we are is the difference-maker. Not for what we wish we were or what we want people to see us as- but simply as we really are. This notion that Yahweh loves us, even as messed up as we are... I think that is foundational to any right living that happens. Are there people who live right but don't really get this? To a degree, sure. In order to truly be great in the kingdom of Heaven, however, one has to accept Heaven and God as a gift- something that cannot be earned by right living. And you must understand that living right is about real love, not about pleasing other people.

The thing I like most about the book I just read (titled "The Jesus Dynasty" by James Tabor) is that it teaches that the early Christians were more focused on Jesus's message than on the man being God incarnate or the other theological beliefs that relate, such as the virgin birth or resurrection in bodily form. I honestly don't know whether these things are true, but the idea that it might matter more to focus on Jesus's teachings than on these other things appeals to me. The core idea of "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and love your neighbor as you would love yourself." seems to me to be more relevant to life than belief in a miracle that may or may not have happened. What Jesus taught itself was somewhat revolutionary- he took righteousness to a whole new level. To even lust is to commit adultery- this insight alone is far more intense than people were taught before Jesus. Other teachings of Jesus indicate that God loves poor people, and as I consider myself poor- at least by American standards- I can relate to this as well. You don't know what love is until you are giving away money to someone in need that you might need yourself. That is genuine love.

I guess my point is that while things tend to be more complex than we imagine them to be, and truthfully, what we wish they were, we're still given the option to largely ignore all those complexities and live as Jesus did- one day at a time, trusting God for our daily bread, loving the people around us to the max, and believing that God loves us simply because it is his nature to love and he made us to be objects of his love. We don't really need more than this to live. We don't have to understand with certainty whether Jesus was resurrected from the dead in bodily form, or whether Jesus was born of a virgin, or all the other obstacles to faith that have been put up by professional religious people. If you don't understand that you yourself are messed up in the first place, then you don't really know your own sinfulness. If you do though, then you can accept that God loves you because it is in his nature to love- always has and always will be. If you can receive that love, then there's hope that you can then disperse that love. That is the hope of humanity- that humans can follow this precise path of humility, to really love the people around them.

It is my hope that you the reader will come to God as a little child and accept God's love as it comes- free of charge, on the house. The truth is we were made by God, and that is the only reason God has to have in order to love us. I hope today you will discover or rediscover how much God loves you, and use that as a catalyst for an entirely new life of ruthless trust in God.

It's Not What You Believe- It's What You Do That Matters

Scripture is awash on this matter. Some passages seem to indicate belief being key, while other passages (such as the one where Jesus separates the sheep from the goats) it seems that what you do is what matters. I'm going to settle this debate once and for all- it's what you do that matters.

I know you are asking me "how do I know?" I know because God sends me on all sorts of assignments. When God sends me on assignments, he doesn't seem to give a rat's ass what I believe. All he cares about is what I do. He DOES care a lot about what I do though. A LOT. In fact, what I do is the whole game from God's perspective. SO as believers we've got to stop majoring on something that doesn't matter and major on what DOES matter- what we do. I can tell I'm right that someone has a heart of gold by their actions. And truth be told, Jesus generally majored on action, as the passage above indicates. Belief in God- sure. it matters some. However, I think I could make a better person out of someone who doesn't believe but loves with their whole heart, than someone who does believe (in one sense) but doesn't really care about other people.

Why Gay Marriage is Bad

I was essentially asked this question by someone recently, and I think it is worthy of further discussion. Here is my point of view on the matter.

In order that one might understand why gay marriage is bad, you first have to understand the point of marriage as it was intended. See, this is a complex question, and will take multiple parts to answer. First of all, when God made the genders, he made them very different, each with very different strengths and weaknesses. These were designed to compliment each other, so that the children produced by such a relationship would get all the love that they need, so that they can go out in the world and do God's will for their lives. Now if we got honest, not every marriage is truly in obedience to Christ's designs, and there is no question in my mind that some loving homosexual couples do a better job than some heterosexual ones, but in the ideal situation the father gives certain kinds of love that meet needs towards the encouragement of following God's plan for the children's lives, while the mother provides the love that says that the children are loved just as they are now. I think the differences are more than that and varied, but this difference I've just illuminated is a significant key. However, there is an even more pressing issue, and that is the idea that marriage represents the relationship between Christ Jesus and his bride.

It is my opinion, which I think is based on scripture, that the marriage relationship was meant to be a demonstration to the world of Christ's relationship with the church. The man, who plays the role of Christ, is supposed to love his wife more than his own life, and be prepared to even die for her if necessary. He is her protector, her lover, and to some extent, her fulfiller. She is supposed to meet God, based on what her husband is like. On the other hand, she is supposed to trust him, and trust him implicitly. Of course, he's supposed to earn that trust by the love that he gives, but I digress... Anyhow, this relationship between man and woman was supposed to be a microcosm of what heaven is like- two people living together, with very different roles to play, but of equal importance. It was supposed to be a witness to the world of what Jesus is like, and how the church was meant to be transformed by His love. This is the ideal situation. Most marriages are not ideal, but hopefully people in the church, as a general rule, try to honor this plan for their marriage.

I hope no one reading this feels I am judging them. I'm talking here about the ideal- and few can handle it. This was what we were born for, to demonstrate God's love for each other, after of course first receiving said love from God. You cannot give what you have not received. I do not judge any man for divorcing his wife, but... I personally see no time for when that would truly be appropriate, if the man is in fact getting his needs met from God. I believe this to be a hard word, but Jesus's feelings about divorce were just as clear. As far as women are concerned, I believe there is a time and place for divorce. Men who abuse their spouses should not be tolerated...

Love, Wisdom, and Passion

It occurred to me that it takes three things to make someone great in the kingdom: love, wisdom, and passion. I believe that the problem is these things don't get married often enough within believers. Most believers major on one or two of these but not all three. It takes all three to drive someone to greatness in the kingdom. I will demonstrate how these things need to be merged, and what happens when someone only has one or two of them...

Love. We talk about love, but what is it? Fundamentally, love is about having an active interest in the concerns of others. If you have love, you will act to help those that you love. If you come across a real need, what do you think? Do you think about doing something, or do you stand on the sidelines? Nothing great in the kingdom is ever done without love. I can think of many examples of so-called "Christians" with passion, and maybe even wisdom, but have not love and are therefore hopeless. Love makes you care. Sometimes, love is the difference between inaction and action. Love on it's own can make a world of difference, but it is only the capacity to act that love demonstrates itself- love does not drive you to act necessarily, nor does it give you the sense of knowing the right way to act or the right time to act. That's where wisdom and passion come in.

Wisdom is about the ability to know the precise answer to a situation. If I love my friend, I'm going to share my faith with him. If I have wisdom, I might then choose the proper time and place to share my faith so as to improve the odds that the seed I am trying to plant might take hold. It might even give me the right angle to come from, to get at the heart of the matter most effectively. Without wisdom, Christians are dangerous in a bad way. We might be well-meaning, but if we say the right thing at the wrong time or in the wrong way, we get nowhere. If we don't know how to be shrewd the way God meant us to be shrewd, we will bungle the opportunities granted us to impact the lives around us. We'll mismanage our time and energy. We'll fight battles we should have avoided, and avoid battles we should have engaged. Wisdom is SO critical to right living before God that without it, our love is somewhat meaningless, as we blow opportunities to make a difference by mistakes that could easily have been averted with a little forethought. Wisdom is what guides our love so that the love is not ineffective. Love and wisdom are great, but without an engine to drive it, little will be accomplished. That engine is passion.

Last but not least of these is passion, the fire that really makes things happen. I would argue that faith is the underlying architect of passion, because passion is faith set on fire. There are plenty of people with passion who do not have love or wisdom. Passion alone is a dangerous thing- it's what makes things like suicide bombers possible. While passion alone is a dangerous thing, without it we'll never believe God for anything of significance. We'll never follow through on the dreams we dream. We won't hunger and thirst for righteousness. Without passion, we will be content to be mediocre and nominal. Passion... every believer must be set ablaze by God or will never amount to anything of significance. You know that people who do stuff like suicide bombing and terror attacks and intense, bold things have no lack of passion. My wish was that there was more passion within the church- if you haven't been set on fire by God then you are only standing in the way. To make a difference on this planet, a real difference, you have to care about your cause within the kingdom and your purpose before God as much as anyone in Satan's camp cares about their cause. We need people who have real passion, directed by real love for God and people and channeled by wisdom to be effective. Without passion, nothing of any real significance is ever accomplished.

I have a vision for what Christianity could be. That vision is a church that loves first and foremost, has the wisdom to guide it so that when that love is shown it is received, and has passion so that the visions we have of our world being made right can be turned into reality. Without these things we are hopeless. To cultivate love, you need to know how much you are loved. To cultivate wisdom, you must seek God for it and learn to see what God sees and to hear what God is saying. To cultivate passion, you must believe that God has a plan for your life that is bigger than just existing and you must receive the Holy Spirit's passion for your own life. Ultimately, you must care about whether God's will happens in your life or not. If you cultivate these three things, you are likely to go somewhere. If you don't, you will be just another nominal Christian whose life amounts to little and has nothing significant to speak of when you get to Heaven. Something to think about...

Patience and Timing

I am learning something fundamental about the kingdom... something I wish I knew a long time ago that only now am I beginning to see daylight. You ever in a conversation with someone about something and... you are wholly convinced you are right about something that you think would make a major difference in the other person's life, but they don't see it at all for some reason? Yeah, most people have been there, done that, and gotten the tee shirt. The fact is, every lesson we learn, we learn in time. Time is God's canvas by which he works out all changes in our lives. So in the kingdom, timing is everything.

I'm learning that change never happens at the pace we expect it to. We expect things and people to change overnight or in an instant. That's not really how life works. I don't have the same perceptions and beliefs I did when I was 20; and in fact I'm sure if I were to meet 'me' at age 20 now we wouldn't see eye-to-eye about much of anything. Is that 20 year old me right about anything that I might be wrong about? It's possible, but I think I've learned more in my day than I've unlearned. I'm pretty sure I'm more right about stuff now than I was back then. Doesn't mean I would be able to teach the 20 year old me anything- being teachable is something that you learn, more or less, in time. Even that is up for negotiation- we are more or less teachable on any given subject at any given point of our lives. The best way a human being in Christ or even out of Christ learns is through time.

God is always orchestrating lessons for us to get past our defenses. In time we mature in many ways. Expecting others to learn things that we only learned the hard way may not be foolish- sometimes people do learn the easy way. Most often, however, it is the hard way we choose, and God teaches much that way. So it is cool that you see how the world and the people around you ought to be, but try to remember that you are not as your maker desires and that some things only change with time. Patience is critical, both with yourself and with the world. People aren't projects- they are human beings in need of our love. I need to remember this most of all, for the temptation to berate a point and in the process "beat a dead horse" is tremendous. Love isn't like that. Remember- timing is everything. The wrong word now might be the right word tomorrow. Timing is everything- we are called to be patient. And Lord please grant me patience...

God is not Available to the Casual Seeker

This is a partial quote from Graham Cooke- it ends with "Seek God with all your heart." I'm here to tell that that's God's honest truth. I'll tell you a secret- you get what you want. I wanted God, so I fasted and prayed and sought his face and worked through garbage and read kingdom books- I wanted God so I got him. People want to hear the voice of God and live in close communion with him, but are unwilling to do the work needed to live in such communion. No. If you want to hear his voice... if you want feel his closeness... if you want HIM you must chase him and pursue him with abandon. Seeking him with your whole heart is a kingdom concept. What you want is what you will get, and personally, I'd rather have God than anything else. I hope you feel the same.

The Sin of Betrayal

This post is a difficult one to write, but I feel it must be written. I don't think this idea is very much understood in the church, so here goes nothing. First, let us speak on the subject of trust. Trust is a gift you give someone you believe to be safe, someone you believe has your back. You give trust to someone so that you can get close to them. If you do not trust someone, you cannot get close to them- trust is the foundation of all meaningful relationships. Betraying trust, therefore, is to stab someone in the back and probably destroy said relationship. It's the kind of sin that hell is filled with- people who want something from someone who trusts them, so they take what they want, thrashing the relationship in the process. It is one of the worst sins you can commit... 

Betrayal should never be taken lightly. Am I suggesting there is a time and place for it? I am. There's an easy example- Dietrich Bonhoeffer was involved within a group called the Abwehr. He worked hard to undermine the Nazi government. There's no question that his betrayal of his government will not be thought twice of by our lord and king Jesus... there's no question that that situation warranted his actions. Nevertheless... in general this is at best a dangerous gray area. I'm talking about undercover agents here, who infiltrate the mafia or corrupt governments... I don't know about that, only the Holy Spirit knows. It depends on the situation. You see... when someone trusts you, in essence you are charged with protecting them. If I'm guarding the president, and I turn around and shoot him in the head... at least an honorable enemy has the sense to declare war before firing a shot! 

I remember a quote from the show Firefly: "You don't know me, son, so let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. You'll be facing me, and you'll be armed." See what I mean? This is an honorable way to fight... and trust me when I tell you that this means a lot in the kingdom. Betrayal has little use for sons of the king. The worst kind of betrayal is for man to betray his wife or his kids. A man is charged with being a protector of his family, and in my eyes, to attack these or let someone else attack these is to betray the people he is charged to protect, and is a far worse sin than if an outsider did the damage. Let me say this- never betray your wife. There might be circumstances where something like this might be warranted, but such circumstances are so extremely rare they are hardly worth mentioning- there are no hard and fast rules in the kingdom, but some come very close... and I believe this is one of them. Love does not betray trust!!!! You don't stab someone in the back who trusts you implicitly unless you want to risk the fires of hell! 

 I would say the issue of trust and betrayal is so significant in the kingdom... the mafia, as portrayed by "The Godfather"... I'm not sure it's evil enough to warrant undercover work. As they state in the movie, they ran in the business of gambling, prostitution, and the legal system... I'm not saying these aren't serious things, I'm saying the sin of betrayal is worse. I'm not even sure being involved in drugs is enough. Child prostitution... now your talking the kind of organized crime that warrants betrayal. I'm trying to drive home how big a deal betrayal is in the kingdom. Judas, betrayed our king. I had a conversation with family about Judas. Someone thought he got a bad rap. I'm not sure. I do know, though, that Jesus took him in as a mentor, and Judas stabbed the King of Kings in the back for 30 pieces of silver. He betrayed the trust of someone who only loved him, who invested time and energy in him. That must have hurt like hell, to be betrayed like that. I can't even imagine. So it may be that Judas is in one of the nastier parts of hell. Let's hope we never get there. I'm telling you- take the quote from Firefly seriously. If you hate someone close to you... do them the favor of letting them know that you don't want to be close to them anymore before you attack them. At least they'll know you are coming for them. Seriously... remember these words... trust is a gift. Never use that gift to take advantage of someone. If you don't want it, give it back. That should keep you out of some the worst parts of hell at least. Of course, if you don't want to go there at all, you must learn how to follow the king and learn to love, but that is the subject of another post...

It All Belongs To You, God

This post... is the most intense post I've ever written, but... it is inspired both by what happened, and by a prayer I heard from Graham Cooke- several of the lines were taken directly from it, a prayer I've thought about occasionally since I heard it years ago. I hope this doesn't frighten anyone, but this is my heart and I think it can be very well backed by scripture- each and every line. It also is... a conversation, so God responds. Here goes nothing.

It all belongs to you.
1. My car belongs to you. God: So I could take your transportation away if I wanted to?
Yes. Yes you could.
2. My shelter belongs to you. God: So I could make you homeless if I wanted to?
Yes, you could.
3. My freedom belongs to you. God: So I could have you imprisoned if need be?
Yes... my freedom does belong to you completely, so you could.
4. My sanity belongs to you. God: So I could make you lose your mind?
Yes, my mental health is completely in your hands. It all belongs to you.
5. My money belongs to you. God: So I could make you broke, penniless and without any known way of paying your bills?
Yes. My money belongs to you. It all belongs to you Lord.
6.My life belongs to you. God: So... I could even lead you to your death, and you would allow that?
Yes. My life, and the length thereof, is utterly completely in your hands. You can kill me, if that is what you want.

I know this is intense, but before people attack this, I want to show the scriptures that talk about each of these:

1, 2, 5: Jesus's conversation with the rich young ruler. He demanded everything the man owned. Also, Jesus lived without transportation except by foot, and without a home.

3: Paul knew he would be imprisoned when he went to Rome. He went anyways.

4: King Nebuchadnezzar went insane, according to God's word, to the point where he was eating grass like an animal. While, admittedly, this was a negative consequence for his actions, it does lend credence to the possibility that God could make someone insane for his purposes, even someone who was following God. In my opinion, it isn't that out there- there are other examples of people's mental states being affected by God.

6: Jesus willing went to his death. It's also noteworthy that all of the apostles, save John, were executed, and Paul was punished by the Romans after he deliberately went to Jerusalem, knowing he was likely to be imprisoned because of that. He, too, was executed as well.

My point... if we are to follow Christ, we need to be prepared for the consequences. Jesus did not promise his followers easy, feel-good lives. To the contrary, he warned his followers that life will be full of struggles, but that God will be with us in the midst. We aren't allowed to hold tight to anything, for nothing really belongs to us anyways. It all belongs to God- it was never ours in the first place. We can't function right in the kingdom if we keep seeing ourselves as owners instead of stewards. It all belongs to God... because it always did in the first place.

Judging

This subject... is one that is near and dear to my heart. At this moment, I have a lot of anger, directed at people who judged me, anger I don't know what to do with... so I thought this subject warranted talking about.

Judging is hard to define, so I'll give an example. I was driving home from the chess tournament, and I saw a bumper sticker that basically said you can't be prochoice and also be a Christian. This really upset me- not because I consider myself prochoice (though my views on that subject are complicated or unclear) but simply because someone thinks they have the audacity to judge another person's faith based on their views on a subject Jesus didn't even talk about. We don't have that right. However, judging shows up in other forms as well. Nonchristians often have lifestyles that we would say are sinful. Does that give us the right to judge them for it? We don't know where they came from, or why they live the way they do. I'm not saying you have to agree with their actions, I'm saying that you shouldn't let your disagreement with the way they live interfer with being friends with them. The truth is, without Christ, people live in sin. Deal with it. Get over it. And stop judging nonbelievers as if they were Christians. Even Christians judge other Christians. We think we know why people do the things they do. We don't. We don't have the right to judge another believer in their weakness. If we've developed relationship with someone, we may earn the right to tell someone what we think they should do about something, but that right is earned, and shouldn't be presumed upon.

Basically... this post teaches how to be a "safe" person. Basically, I surround myself with them. I can tell a safe person from 50 feet. Lately, I wonder if nonchristians generally make better friends than Christians, because they don't judge you as much. Don't get me wrong- I have multiple Christian friends, and I'm glad they are in my life. However, I think Christians in general care more about what you do, or what you did, than how you feel, or what you are going through. The best cinematic example of what a relationship between a believer and a nonbeliever should look like, is in "The Bucket List." Someone finally showed how a Christian can make an impact, with very little "direct" evangelism. When you watch that movie, notice how Morgan Freeman's character doesn't pass judgement on Jack Nicholson's character. Because of this, he made a huge impact in the man's life. I think that is very realistic. Love takes time. Love is patient and kind- that means we shouldn't rush out and try to fix people. You can't love someone and try to fix them/treat them like a project at the same time. Either you love them, or they're a project, and there's no love in projects. No human being wants to be someone else's project. We must accept people where they are at, and love them where they are. If all my tombstone said was "Sean loved people as they were, and not as he wanted them to be." I would say my life was a success. Please... hear me out on this. Not judging people is a big deal, and the size of your impact and your ability to connect with hurting, wounded people is very much defined by how you look at them. We all need love. Nobody needs judgement. Nobody.

The Difference Between Being Nice and Being Loving

I've often heard that there is no difference between these two. Honestly, if you looked at Christendom, you see a lot of nice people... However, there are situations which reveal a dramatic diffence, as I will soon demonstrate.

There is a scene, in my favorite movie "Les Miserables," where the new head of police crosses the line, in how he handles justice in a particular case. Now our hero, Jean Valjean, who happens to be mayor of this town, finds out about this, and comes to the rescue of the woman being prosecuted. Here is a textbook example of the difference between being loving and being nice. The police officer and Valjean go toe-to-toe, until the officer says "she will not go free as long as I'm in charge," to which Valjean's response is classic- "in that case, under article 77 you are relieved of duty until tomorrow morning. LEAVE! NOW!" Now, notice what he DIDN'T do. He did not try to appease everyone. A nice person may very well have buckled in that situation, because there was no grey area, no way to satisfy both parties. A love-oriented person, is not afraid to choose a side, for love's sake, and stay the course out of love's sake, and won't care about stepping on someone else's toes, knowing they are standing where they should stand. A nice person, though, needs to be liked by everyone, and may struggle to make a decision which might upset some people or someone. In that moment, Jean Valjean didn't care whether the officer liked him or not, and actually probably earned a little bit of respect for standing up for his convictions. It's really a backbone thing. It is true there are situations where compromise is useful- I'm not saying compromise is always bad. Clearly, though, sometimes compromise is no good... sometimes you just have to take a stand. You have to decide that you care more about a cause or a person in need of protection than about making everyone happy. Jesus demonstrated this when he cleared the temple of the sales people, because that area was where gentiles were supposed to be able to meet with God. He loved the gentiles, so he went to bat for them. This is what I mean- to love someone enough to fight someone else to protect the one you loved. This is what love really means. Go and do likewise.

Thoughts On Being A Transformative Husband

This entry... is the product of a lot of thought. I've often wondered how I'd handle being in this kind of relationship, how a man could play a role in the spiritual and emotional development in the life of his lover, and I've decided to try to put my thoughts on paper (so to speak). Honestly, this may seem somewhat theoretical, seeing as I've never had a girlfriend, but my friends have told me that they are impressed by my wisdom gifting, and I've read several books that either were solely about this subject, or had sections about this, so I'm going to take a crack at this. Feel free to laugh at things that are off, but God usually gives me good stuff even if I'm talking about something I don't have much first-hand knowledge with... so here goes.

First of all, there is this issue of self-esteem that needs addressing. Most women struggle with their appearance, thinking that they are unattractive, or even ugly. This is really sad, from a guy's perspective- we often see beauty where they only see ugly. I do think there are things that a guy could do that could help. Perhaps if you are dining in, maybe (assuming you've developed a level of trust appropriate for this) you could request that she not wear makeup and jewelry. I think the way to phrase it is "I'd like to see you as how God made you." My opinion is that women largely wear makeup, because they don't like how they look without it, and they've been wounded by other people criticizing their appearance. If a guy can honestly assure his woman that she looks fine without all that stuff, I think that could be the beginning of what I imagine will be a very long healing process regarding their self-image and self-esteem. I'd suggest this for other dates as well, but if someone in public was an ass and criticized your lover for how she looked without makeup, that would largely diminish any progress made, and might even make things worse. The goal, in the long term, would be she'd become secure enough in how she looks that that wouldn't matter, but most women are a long ways from that point as it is, and one negative remark from some idiot passerby could potentially ruin six months worth of positive reinforcement and encouragement. I can back this idea up with scripture (paraphrase): "Women should adorn themselves with good works rather than jewelry," but I think this project should be done gradually, at whatever pace your lover is comfortable with. This is a project of love, and requires a great deal of tact and nurturing, or it will fail miserably. As guys, we also need to learn to not be so focused on what we see. That beauty, is the cherry on top of the whip cream, on top of the ice cream sundae- it has its place, but as cherries go is only worth so much, and we need to grow up in how we look at the opposite sex. They are more beautiful than we give them credit for, and certainly way more than they give themselves credit for. I don't think I could be interested in a girl that wasn't attractive to me, and can say with complete honesty that I've thought every woman I was really interested in was beautiful to me and I wouldn't change a thing about any of them in their appearance, but I'm realizing I was (at times) a bit shallow that way. For example, I'd have a hard time dating a really thin girl. I'm shallow that way. I realize I have growing up to do, because truth be told, that really doesn't matter that much, period.

Another large key is figuring out what kind of love our significant other appreciates most. As I understand it, there are five love languages- words of affirmation, physical touch, gift giving, quality time, and acts of service. Within these love languages, there are a lot of variations. Figuring out which one is most important, and what ways that you can speak this love language that will resonate as meaningful, is critical to ministering to your lover. For example, if your lover hated loading the dishwasher, and acts of service was meaningful to her, then loading the dishwasher every day might mean the world to her. It might mean more than all the flowers and candy in the world. Another example: I knew a guy who bought a large bouquet of roses for his wife. In talking to her later, though, she wasn't a big fan- she would have prefered time and money to go shopping. He could have given her cash or a gift card for half the value of the roses, and made sure she had an opportunity to spend an afternoon shopping, saved half the money and scored three times the points (so to speak...). The goal largely is to be effective first, and extravagantly effective second... but I'll get to that soon enough. My point is not about saving money, but about knowing your lover well enough to know what will and won't work best- that is what I'm getting at. You could get your lover roses every day, but if she likes daisies or hugs better, you won't be anywhere near as effective as you want, and she may even feel you don't love her enough. That is the outcome to be avoided. It may take experimentation and lots of questions, but with some work and practice, you can hopefully become effective at speaking her language(s) (usually there is a secondary one that matters a fair amount as well), which will fill her love tank, which keeps the relationship fresh and satisfying. I'll admit there is a place for trying to help your lover learn how to love you the way you wish to be loved, but that is the subject for another entry...

Another critical component to ministering to your lover, is expressing her value to you. There is a tale I read (true or not, it is worth mentioning), about a man who decided upon a woman who people thought looked plain. Now, in his culture, a man "bought" a woman from the father with cattle. Normally, a man paid two or three cattle for such, and paying one was a bit like low-balling and was discouraged. Now, this man was very shrewd. He knew that while in this case he could get away with paying just one, he knew that how she'd feel about him, would differ, depending on how much value he expressed she had to him by how much he paid. He paid EIGHT cattle for her (an unheardof amount- four or six was considered the max for the most beautiful women on the island). Imagine what this did for her. She felt loved, more than any other woman on the whole island. Some folks visited them after they were married, and she was beaming. Because he put such a high value to her, it changed her in a way that was beyond comprehension- she became the beauty that was worth what he paid. The outside, is a reflection of what is inside, and the value a husband puts on his wife, can have a powerful impact, perhaps even on her physical appearance. Certainly, I think when husbands express value in their lovers over the span of their relationship, I think that it enables their lover to age more gracefully, and helps allow that inner beauty to come to the surface. I also think, that it helps a man develop "rose-colored glasses" of sorts- they will come to see the beauty that was already there. I believe these are both true. Love can easily last a lifetime, if only a husband learned to effectively love their wife extravagantly, as Jesus loves the church.

My final subject is on the primary difference in what women need. Women generally talk about their problems to feel better, and not looking for solutions, so we as men must learn to listen and be judicious about when to suggest how to fix it (if at all). If my sister is talking about her day, and for some reason I really want to share a possible solution, I'll ask if I can share it (whether that is even good or not is debatable...) but at least I'm recognizing that she may not be interested in a solution, which is often the case. We guys talk about problems usually because we can't figure it out ourselves, but women tend to talk about problems just to feel better. Also, women tend to appreciate little acts of love almost as much as big ones, so while the big ones are good, doing the little things daily will mean as much or more than just occasionally doing "big" things. Women also tend to shift more emotionally than men, and when our lover is down, we need to be especially gracious, patient, and listen carefully. That will help them rebound a little faster, and make the times when she feels good all the more better.

I think there is much more to be said on this subject, but I think I've hit on the high points. I think the biggest key, overall, is making oneself a student of what makes one's lover tick. Finding out ways to display the love we have in ways that will hit our lover's real needs so that they feel more loved than they ever imagined... That's game-changing. I think, if men spent half the time trying to figure out how to show their wives they are loved, in ways that they had discovered would really mean something to them as they do with watching sports, or doing their hobbies, or all the other stuff we men love to do, we'd have much better love-lives, and (yeah I'm going to say it) better sex lives too. I think marriages can and should last a lifetime, and while it takes two to tango, I think that husbands not loving their wives well is usually the core issue when things fall apart. If we love our wives like Jesus loves the church, I think it becomes much easier for them to give us the respect we need, which helps us love them all the more.

If you are curious where all this came from... here are the primary sources (all books I own...):

The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, by John Gray PHd
Written In Stone: The Ten Commandments and Today's Moral Crisis, by Philip Graham Ryken

The Plan

"Okay. Here's my plan. First, I'm going to build a boat. A really, really big boat."

"Really? Why?"

"Oh, God told me that it's going to rain for 40 days and nights, so I want to be ready. I also need room for all the types of fauna in the area. However, that's just stage one."

"Stage one? You mean, there's more?"

"Yes. Next I'm going to move to Iraq. Several years later, I'm going to kill my only son."

"Kill your son? Why on earth would you do that?"

"Oh, God told me to. I believe, since God told me I'd have lots of descendents through him, and my wife was an old lady when she conceived, that God will raise him from the dead."

"God would raise him from the dead? Has that ever happened? Why would you think that?"

"Oh, please don't get hung up on that. We've only scratched the beginnings of my plans."

"You can top killing your only son because you think God is going to resurrect him? I doubt it."

"What if I decide to lead an army of 300 against an army of 30,000? Does that top that?"

"Well... why wouldn't you choose to bring a bigger army? I mean, outnumbered 100 to 1? That's insane on the face of it."

"Oh, God wants the credit, so he'll only choose the people who drink out of the river a certain way."

"Why on earth does it matter how people drink out of a river? Has anyone told you that you belong in a nuthouse? You are the most whacko person I've ever met. I'm going to call the police right now- maybe then your son will live until puberty."

"I'm not afraid. If you call the police, I'll call fire down from heaven and have them wiped out. It's a really bad idea, so don't do it."

"Just out of curiousity... I don't know why I'm asking this but... is this your complete plan? I mean, it's quite a doozy... but somehow, I think this isn't everything."

"Yes. Destroy the empire state building, and I'll rebuild it in three days."

"What the heck are you talking about?"

"Oh, I mean the local religious leaders are going to band together with the local government to have me executed. Two days later, I will come back to life. By doing this, I will acquire forgiveness for everyone else's sins. That's my grand finale."

"Okay, that does it. I'm calling the cops. You need to be in a mental hospital NOW."

"No... Wait! I haven't even BEGUN my plan! God says I must do these things! Don't try to thwart the will of God! I'll call down fire from heaven! They WILL die! Wait..."

My point: People have this... idea that God gives simple, straightforward commands in the prophetic, that with enough people around you to tell you which words to listen to and not listen to, that you can obey God completely and everything will work out hunky-dory. Even Peter saw the insanity of Jesus letting himself be executed, and Jesus called him the devil because of this. The truth- according to scripture, God is not tame. His words... are not tame. He has asked people to do things... that made no flipping sense at the time, and had there been a loony bin, most of God's prophetic people would have ended up there, including our savior (who they killed instead...). Obeying God... is no simple matter. Knowing what is God and what isn't God... also no simple matter. The Bible is full of weird stuff- even in the New Testement, Paul was told that going to Jerusalem was a bad idea by everyone, and he did it anyways... It's hard to know when to listen to those around you, and when to obey your own convictions about what God has said to you. Anybody that says otherwise is either being willfully stupid, or hasn't looked at scripture that closely, or both...

Being Comes Before Doing

In the Kingdom, being comes before doing. As an example, let us say I want to succeed in a chess tournament. Going out and playing in a bunch of tournaments without any preparation beforehand is a lousy strategy- it is much better to prepare for hours during the weeks leading up to the tournament, and show up ready to play. That is because you built yourself up, making yourself into something competitive. You BECAME something, then you demonstrated what you became (a good chess player) with what you DID at the chess tournament. Likewise, in the Christian faith, lots of activity that people see demonstrates little or nothing. So you lead worship? So you lead a small group? So you are an elder? What value is that? People like to define success in the kingdom, based on what they DO, but what you DO is largely meaningless, unless you've already BECOME a person of standing with the king. This requires work, that no one sees. Fasting, prayer, study... time in the presence of the King is ESSENTIAL to success. You will never be greater in the kingdom than how deep you've developed your relationship with the King... and that happens mostly when we are alone with God. There is a reason, that most spiritual disciplines are practiced alone... that is where the preparation happens for being the kind of Christian God loves. Otherwise, you might miss an opportunity to help someone stranded on the side of the road. You might miss that hitchhiker who is already thinking about spiritual things (I met someone like this in just this way, and I'm pretty sure the prayer I prayed for them made a real difference). Any jackass can go to church. That proves little. Most believers in our country are near strangers with God, and wouldn't be able to hear from God if their life depended on it. Most people know God's love as a largely theoretical thing, not something that is life-changing. I'm not saying that these activities are worthless, but in my opinion, they are worth considerably less than people give them credit for. God isn't into doing. Look at the life of Christ- 30 years of development, for 3 years of ministry. Even when in ministry, Christ still took time to pray and be alone with God when he had chances. That is because, being was always meant to come before doing. You can become a great doer, by just learning how to "be" first.

Keys to being- you must discover God's lovingkindness for yourself, without which you will accomplish very little real good in the kingdom. If your core being hasn't been transformed to the point where your security is no longer dependent on what you do, and you can sit at home away from a meeting and not feel guilty about the fact that you did not go, then you have made real progress. Be-ers are not insecure about what they don't do, they see "things to do" as opportunities, which they size up the value of relative to other priorities. Be-ers make time to be alone with God regularly, because they know that success outside is based on preparation inside. Sometimes, if things are tough, a Be-er may shut down for awhile. This is very hard for the Do-er to understand, because their worth is found in what they do, not in who they are in God. The Be-er knows, though, that their worth is not dependent in what they do, and while riding out the tough seasons is rough, it is a greater sin to break down, join the crowd of do-ers and try to find your well-being in other's opinions rather than God's. Being is hard- it takes a lot of security. Be-er's recognize that they need to do some things that are hard to do, from time to time, but also recognize that their failure to act in such a situation does not have an impact on how God sees them, just that the other person or people didn't get to be loved by the Be-er, or the Be-er missed out on receiving love from God. I see being, at times, is like the caterpillar and the butterfly. You start off with what looks like an ugly worm (the doer, pretransformation, or the be-er right at the end of a really tough season). Then the caterpillar discovers that he doesn't have to do anything to be loved, and thus begins to form a coccoon. While in the coccoon, the caterpillar appears to be doing absolutely nothing. The truth is, though, if your identity is in Christ's love, you don't need to do anything to be loved. At some point during the transformation process, spiritual truths about the kingdom get absorbed. The pains, hurts of the past, and all the garbage associated with doing starts to be shed. No longer does the caterpillar need to impress... as the butterfly, it is free. Free to love without fear, free to do what God leads them to do, free to just be. As a butterfly, love looks like an opportunity, not an obligation. Freedom means being free from needing others' approval. Freedom means living at one's own pace, not giving one wit what others think about it. As the butterfly, you choose the opportunities that sound rewarding, and are otherwise appealing- particularly the ones pointed out by our king- and it really doesn't matter whether the people around you see the value in it or not. When you discover that God's opinion is the only one that matters, you are free to ignore the doers who live for other's opinions but not God's, never understanding that only his opinion and judgement matters whatsoever. Life becomes a thing of quality over quantity, and love becomes a free-flowing thing of beauty.

Now, my one caveat. You do need other butterflies in your life to sharpen you, to help you see when you are going awry. Nevertheless, aside from gleening wisdom wherever you can find it, you never want to make a choice solely because it is what others want you to do- that is the sin that keeps everyone from greatness. Love must always come from the heart, or it is not love- it is coercion, and coerced actions mean little to our king, who cares only about what we give freely from the heart. That is what our king desires- our freely given heart, not some coerced social appearance of piety. True love is only found given freely, or it is something else, not love...

My Story, From Heaven's Perspective (Job Redux)

As usual, God was on his throne with the angels, when the devil showed up to talk to God, as he sometimes does.

"Have you noticed my servant Sean?" God says. "He loves me wholeheartedly. He's a great servant who loves to go the extra mile, even though I let you torment him for years and wound him incessantly. He lives by my love, and he's a history maker, in spite of your work in his childhood, as well as his time at Celebration. And, he doesn't blame me for any of it. You've totally failed with him." The devil responded, "Does he love you for nothing? You've granted total access to your presense 24/7. He hears of your unending love, and he gets the joy of ministering to others, a joy he gets from his unfettered access to you. I also know that you are right, taking your presense away wouldn't destroy him, you may be right about that, but what if I got ahold of his gift? He would then surely curse you to your face." "Really?" says God. "Hmmm... I'll take that action. I'll even do better than that- I'll let you have the man's sanity, I'll even let you have access to most of his relationships. However, I get final editorial authority on the prophetic words you give him. You may craft the words, but I get to edit them before you give them. Is it a bet?" says God. "I want one more thing... those words you give him, they must be somewhat misdirectional. I want to spoil his reputation, by making it look like he's obsessed with something he's not obsessed with. Also, I want access to the man's identity. I want him to think he's the Christ- with that belief, it will be EVEN TOUGHER for him to recover. I think, with all of that, he will SURELY curse you and reject you entirely" said the devil. "Okay," said God. "I agree to your terms. Let's be clear about this, though- the wager is not about what happens while he's under your direction, but what happens afterwards that defines who wins. Obviously, after going through something like this, it will take time for anybody to recover. How about two years?" "Fair is fair. Done." said the devil, and he left to begin the work.

For a long time, I didn't know what to make of what happened. I've felt betrayed by my closest friend, the God I love and serve. Until today, that is. It's funny how God will use things, to bring about his purposes- I got my first assignment in a long time. It wasn't hard, and it wasn't crazy, though God did ask for a lot. I realized, though, that I'm still loved. I also believe, that God's "editorial privileges" in this situation, both made it tougher to recover, but also at the same time, he made progress on a few... projects he needed work done on, that perhaps couldn't have made as much progress on in as short a time, any other way. I know... many may disagree with me. I don't care. What I do know, is I was faithful, even if in my faithfulness I went off the deep end. Does that mean I'm going off my meds? Hell no. However, I'm beginning to lose some of the edge off my anger towards God. I think that is a good thing. Will it be another year until I'm fully recovered? Honestly, I didn't know what time frame to put there. All I know, is that I'm pretty sure the devil is losing the bet. I still love God... or at least part of me does. It's a start...

Marriage, Redux Without The Insanity

I know I posted about this already, but... since I was crazy when I wrote about it, I've decided to revisit the topic, now that I'm... clinically sane. Here goes nothing.

I believe I was largely correct in that post. I'm not sure, though, that the best reason for me being right was clearly elucidated. There isn't anything wrong with weddings, though I still think it is a bit silly to treat weddings like some kind of sex-christmas. I still think that is a bit lame. However, it isn't the worst crime to wait until after the wedding to have intercourse- at least having a commitment-defining moment, that can be healthy. That could be done in other ways, besides a traditional wedding, but I'm really splitting hairs here. Really though, my biggest gripe is about the marriage license. There are legal ramifications that go along with such licenses, that complicate things. I think, in some- perhaps even many- of the legal complications created by such a license, could be unhealthy to a marriage, like I spelled out in that previous entry. The biggest, of course, is that should the two parties get divorced, basically the assets get split 50-50. If one party in the relationship has 100X more cash/assets than the other, it puts the person with the larger asset pool in a very awkward position. I don't think that is healthy for a relationship. You can't institutionalize a relationship anyways. Commitment comes from the heart. The kind of trust needed, to get a marriage license in the situation above, is prone to the kinds of manipulation that people who don't have a significant inequity in resources who live together deal with as well, why what they do is sin. The core issue here is love... and avoiding manipulation. Manipulation is the sin that must be avoided at all costs. There is no manipulation in love.

I guess I should point out something else. A friend pointed out to me, that if either party is being forced to get married against their will, that pretty much nullifies any meaning to the marriage. This isn't really a common topic in our culture, because most marriages are based on the free will of the parties involved, but my friend is very right. Free-will is the only basis for commitment that works at all, and if either party is getting married for some other reason besides love and commitment, that reason is evil.

Another brief thing- while I do believe that commitment is the bedrock of any healthy marraige (whether one chooses to have a wedding, or whether one chooses to get a marraige license, or neither), I don't believe it is all that is needed. I agree that arranged marriages, where both parties are willing, can make that work- and whether or not that is a good thing or not, I really don't know. What I do know, is that getting to know someone before allowing sexual intercourse to muddy the waters is usually very wise. I've never had sex, so I know I'm talking about something I haven't experienced, but my understanding is that sexual intercourse complicates relationships, and even two completely committed people may need to stay away from sex until both parties are ready for it. Relationships are as much a process as anything else, and that process shouldn't be short-cutted out of impatience. And, I still believe (of course) that total and complete commitment is a necessary prerequisite to a healthy relationship, that you'd die before you'd break that commitment, but just because that commitment is in place, doesn't mean the relationship is ready for intercourse, particularly if the parties involved have baggage that needs to be worked through.

To sum up, I don't think most people who choose to wait until after the wedding for sex, are doing themselves any great injustice. I do agree, that the idea of making a public commitment to your significant other, is a good idea in general. I'm not the biggest fan of marriage licenses. I think they codify something that should come from the heart. I also think, that the expensiveness of weddings, keeps two committed people who are ready for intercourse from having it until long after the relationship is ready, and sometimes committed people have intercourse after the relationship was ready, and then feel guilty about not having had a wedding already- that's really tragic, because if they are committed to each other and the relationship was prepared for it, there really was no sin in consummating such a relationship.

I know some people are not going to like this entry. Please think about this. I really think I'm right on this one... and I'm sane now.

Nelson Mandela, and Things I Don't Understand

I just watched Invictus, the movie about Nelson Mandela and what took place in the year or two after he became president of South Africa. There is a point in the movie, where the person Matt Damon played said something very interesting, paraphrased "How could a man spend 30 years in here and come out ready to forgive the people who put him there?" This quote comes close to home for me, for I was in jail 10 days, and hospitalized four months last year.

The truth is, there are things that are hard to understand, unless you've been there. I have a friend, who is in prison right now, and I'm sure he'd say I have no idea what it's like to be imprisoned. I suppose, to a certain extent at least, that he's right. However, for whatever it's worth, I do know what it feels like to be incarcerated for awhile, and that has to help me get some kind of idea what imprisonment might feel like. It's funny... I've been out of the hospital for over twice as long as I was in the hospital, but I'd swear it felt much longer, like the longest stretch of time I've ever experienced. Unless you've been incarcerated against your will for at least a week, you can't really imagine what it's like. All this to say, an amazing miracle occured in President Mandela's heart for him to leave prison with a heart prepared to forgive.

This is where we get to what is incomprehensible to me. For me, I feel like I've been ruined by the hospitalization. Between that, and how entwined my faith was in what happened that lead to me being incarcerated... I really don't know how to move forward. I've stopped caring about things I probably should care about. I've got anger... anger I don't know what to do with. So, how did Nelson Mandela do it? How did he leave prison with a heart of forgiveness? People who don't believe in miracles, I don't know how you can explain something like this outside of the miraculous. This kind of forgiveness, it only comes from above. For me, though, that doesn't help. This kind of heart... I wish my heart was like his. I've left the hospital scarred, and traumatized. He left prison prepared to lead a nation into peace and reconciliation. I envy him. I don't know what his role was, in keeping his heart soft. I just wish I could be more like him.

You know, usually I find a cool way to wrap up an entry such as this. Tonight, I see none but this- when you think of an offense, so serious as to be unforgivable, remember Nelson Mandela, and his heart attitude towards his enemies. If there were resources in heaven capable of making forgiveness possible for him, then there is hope for the rest of us. That... must be a good thing... I just wish I knew better how to access them...

Ode to the Best Dog I've Ever Known

Today... is a sad day for my family. We lost a favorite family member, a Miniature Schnauzer named Sam. Like a lot of dogs, Sam was very friendly. He loved everyone he met. He rarely barked, unless someone was visiting- in fact, for awhile we wondered if he would ever bark. The truth is, Sam had no enemies. Sam was so gentle, you could take his bone or his food away from him and he would just look at you, is eyes saying, "why are you doing this to me?" Sam was as good a pet as we could have asked for. He wasn't a fetcher, but that was only because he liked keepaway more. I've spent hours, over the years, playing with Sam, and I don't regret a single minute of it. Sam was one-of-a-kind. We got eight years with Sam, and my only regret is not getting any more. We all miss Sam like crazy. It was really hard to say goodbye. I hope I see him in heaven. Sam, if you can hear me, thank you for your years of time as our pet. We are so grateful to have had such a fine dog. If you read this, please pray for our family- we are all taking his loss quite hard. We won't be the same, now that he is gone.

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My mom says she thinks blogs are mostly just... public diaries. When I started this blog, that was far away from what I wanted it to be. I did not want my blog to just be a public diary. Honestly, my journal was never really a journal anyways. In it, I just let God speak to me. He's said a lot of things to me, like telling me my wife would be smarter than me. Some of the things he's said, I thought were a load of bull. Anyhow, for good or for bad, today's entry... is a bit of a journal entry, a regular journal entry. My heart is sad. I feel... I made a commitment, a long time ago, to love people. To follow God wherever he wanted to send me, and to do whatever he told me to do. I thought... I was going to make a difference, for good. I was going to help people. I was going to show people what love looked like. That was my heart. I've always wanted to be a difference maker. I wanted to pour my life out and be a blessing to everyone I knew. I wanted to speak words that healed people. And my hope, what I wanted in return for this, was to have a modicum of respect. I know... it's wrong to have expectations about how people would respond. However, at this moment... I don't feel respected. Actually it is worse than that- somehow, I've become the villain. My heart aches... I'm broken. I'm less than a man. Hell, I'm not even providing for myself. The damn government takes care of me. I can't even respect myself. I lost one of my closest friends, and I don't see most of my other friends nearly as often as I would like. I'm some kind of pariah. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost a large percentage of what motivated me to live. And I feel like nobody gives a damn about me. People care more about what I do than how much I hurt. I'm lost. I wish I had answers. I wish... I wasn't so alone. I wish... someone really understood what it's like to go through what I've just been through. You know... I'm convinced answers don't exist. I'm hurting... and nobody has the slightest clue how to bandage my wounds. I'm broken... and nobody has any idea how to put me back together again. I'm angry... because people don't know what to say. I never thought I would regret "trying to love perfectly." I was crazy, sure... but bent on helping people, not hurting them. Now I've lost my place. I've lost my identity. I try not to hear from God. I hardly pray, except out of desparation. I'm not broken... I'm destroyed. I'll never think of ministry the same. I'll never look at myself the same. I'll never hear God the same. I have no answers. Graham Cooke once said that if a person has a high call in God, that first God has to put you in a dark closet and beat the living daylights out of you. I think I know what that feels like. Now I just need to figure out how to walk again.

To all those out there who feel irrepairably broken, I know how you feel. I just don't know what to say to help you get put back together again... I have no idea...