Marriage, Redux Without The Insanity

I know I posted about this already, but... since I was crazy when I wrote about it, I've decided to revisit the topic, now that I'm... clinically sane. Here goes nothing.

I believe I was largely correct in that post. I'm not sure, though, that the best reason for me being right was clearly elucidated. There isn't anything wrong with weddings, though I still think it is a bit silly to treat weddings like some kind of sex-christmas. I still think that is a bit lame. However, it isn't the worst crime to wait until after the wedding to have intercourse- at least having a commitment-defining moment, that can be healthy. That could be done in other ways, besides a traditional wedding, but I'm really splitting hairs here. Really though, my biggest gripe is about the marriage license. There are legal ramifications that go along with such licenses, that complicate things. I think, in some- perhaps even many- of the legal complications created by such a license, could be unhealthy to a marriage, like I spelled out in that previous entry. The biggest, of course, is that should the two parties get divorced, basically the assets get split 50-50. If one party in the relationship has 100X more cash/assets than the other, it puts the person with the larger asset pool in a very awkward position. I don't think that is healthy for a relationship. You can't institutionalize a relationship anyways. Commitment comes from the heart. The kind of trust needed, to get a marriage license in the situation above, is prone to the kinds of manipulation that people who don't have a significant inequity in resources who live together deal with as well, why what they do is sin. The core issue here is love... and avoiding manipulation. Manipulation is the sin that must be avoided at all costs. There is no manipulation in love.

I guess I should point out something else. A friend pointed out to me, that if either party is being forced to get married against their will, that pretty much nullifies any meaning to the marriage. This isn't really a common topic in our culture, because most marriages are based on the free will of the parties involved, but my friend is very right. Free-will is the only basis for commitment that works at all, and if either party is getting married for some other reason besides love and commitment, that reason is evil.

Another brief thing- while I do believe that commitment is the bedrock of any healthy marraige (whether one chooses to have a wedding, or whether one chooses to get a marraige license, or neither), I don't believe it is all that is needed. I agree that arranged marriages, where both parties are willing, can make that work- and whether or not that is a good thing or not, I really don't know. What I do know, is that getting to know someone before allowing sexual intercourse to muddy the waters is usually very wise. I've never had sex, so I know I'm talking about something I haven't experienced, but my understanding is that sexual intercourse complicates relationships, and even two completely committed people may need to stay away from sex until both parties are ready for it. Relationships are as much a process as anything else, and that process shouldn't be short-cutted out of impatience. And, I still believe (of course) that total and complete commitment is a necessary prerequisite to a healthy relationship, that you'd die before you'd break that commitment, but just because that commitment is in place, doesn't mean the relationship is ready for intercourse, particularly if the parties involved have baggage that needs to be worked through.

To sum up, I don't think most people who choose to wait until after the wedding for sex, are doing themselves any great injustice. I do agree, that the idea of making a public commitment to your significant other, is a good idea in general. I'm not the biggest fan of marriage licenses. I think they codify something that should come from the heart. I also think, that the expensiveness of weddings, keeps two committed people who are ready for intercourse from having it until long after the relationship is ready, and sometimes committed people have intercourse after the relationship was ready, and then feel guilty about not having had a wedding already- that's really tragic, because if they are committed to each other and the relationship was prepared for it, there really was no sin in consummating such a relationship.

I know some people are not going to like this entry. Please think about this. I really think I'm right on this one... and I'm sane now.