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My mom says she thinks blogs are mostly just... public diaries. When I started this blog, that was far away from what I wanted it to be. I did not want my blog to just be a public diary. Honestly, my journal was never really a journal anyways. In it, I just let God speak to me. He's said a lot of things to me, like telling me my wife would be smarter than me. Some of the things he's said, I thought were a load of bull. Anyhow, for good or for bad, today's entry... is a bit of a journal entry, a regular journal entry. My heart is sad. I feel... I made a commitment, a long time ago, to love people. To follow God wherever he wanted to send me, and to do whatever he told me to do. I thought... I was going to make a difference, for good. I was going to help people. I was going to show people what love looked like. That was my heart. I've always wanted to be a difference maker. I wanted to pour my life out and be a blessing to everyone I knew. I wanted to speak words that healed people. And my hope, what I wanted in return for this, was to have a modicum of respect. I know... it's wrong to have expectations about how people would respond. However, at this moment... I don't feel respected. Actually it is worse than that- somehow, I've become the villain. My heart aches... I'm broken. I'm less than a man. Hell, I'm not even providing for myself. The damn government takes care of me. I can't even respect myself. I lost one of my closest friends, and I don't see most of my other friends nearly as often as I would like. I'm some kind of pariah. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost a large percentage of what motivated me to live. And I feel like nobody gives a damn about me. People care more about what I do than how much I hurt. I'm lost. I wish I had answers. I wish... I wasn't so alone. I wish... someone really understood what it's like to go through what I've just been through. You know... I'm convinced answers don't exist. I'm hurting... and nobody has the slightest clue how to bandage my wounds. I'm broken... and nobody has any idea how to put me back together again. I'm angry... because people don't know what to say. I never thought I would regret "trying to love perfectly." I was crazy, sure... but bent on helping people, not hurting them. Now I've lost my place. I've lost my identity. I try not to hear from God. I hardly pray, except out of desparation. I'm not broken... I'm destroyed. I'll never think of ministry the same. I'll never look at myself the same. I'll never hear God the same. I have no answers. Graham Cooke once said that if a person has a high call in God, that first God has to put you in a dark closet and beat the living daylights out of you. I think I know what that feels like. Now I just need to figure out how to walk again.

To all those out there who feel irrepairably broken, I know how you feel. I just don't know what to say to help you get put back together again... I have no idea...