How to Build Closer Friendships

For some reason I seem to have a knack for building close friendships. For whatever reason, I think I am generally the exception- at least as far as men are concerned, I can't speak for women. If you would like to build deeper friendships, I might be able to help.

There is a skill involved that I am not sure I can give complete justice to. I think it is the timely ability to share personal information as the relationship deepens. I think this means it is okay, at least between people of the same gender, to admit struggles that are common to that gender relatively early on in the friendship, probably in a general fashion. This amount of transparency gets the ball rolling and allows for deeper discussions later on.

As I talked about in my friendship wisdom post, it also makes sense to be selective about who you make friends with. Some people aren't very good at sharing who they are, where they came from, etc. And some people will always be that way. A good way to see where a person is at is to experiment talking about something closer to the surface, like politics or theology, something where a personal opinion is required and there is some risk of disagreement. If they can handle this, then there is hope. If not, then there is reason to believe this person might find it quite difficult sharing anything really personal. I wouldn't try too hard making it work if after hanging out several times all you can talk about is sports or a common hobby.

I can't stress enough the value of listening. It is something that we don't realize how much it is worth until we begin to wonder why people don't really enjoy hanging out with us. Learning how to be a good listener is really governed by motivation. When I realized that listening was the only way I can learn anything new, that was a big help for me to stop thinking about what I want to say next and just pay attention to what they are saying now. If you want deeper relationships, listening will be instrumental in your success.

I think one skill that has been very helpful to me is the ability to ask good questions. When you ask about their week, ask "What happened this week? Did anything new happen? Why was it a good week?" Any question that requires more than a one word answer will help. Even talking about our lives and how things are really going in something more specific than "fine" is progress towards getting to know each other. The goal is to get the other person to share about themselves whatever they feel comfortable sharing so that the bonding process is moving on.

I wish you all blessings as you go try to build deeper friendships. If anyone out there has some thoughts on this, please post in the comments as I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this one. Maybe my repertoire could be expanded! I would love to get even better at building good friendships, and I hope you feel the same way.

Your companion in Christ,
Sean