Marriage, Redux Without The Insanity

I know I posted about this already, but... since I was crazy when I wrote about it, I've decided to revisit the topic, now that I'm... clinically sane. Here goes nothing.

I believe I was largely correct in that post. I'm not sure, though, that the best reason for me being right was clearly elucidated. There isn't anything wrong with weddings, though I still think it is a bit silly to treat weddings like some kind of sex-christmas. I still think that is a bit lame. However, it isn't the worst crime to wait until after the wedding to have intercourse- at least having a commitment-defining moment, that can be healthy. That could be done in other ways, besides a traditional wedding, but I'm really splitting hairs here. Really though, my biggest gripe is about the marriage license. There are legal ramifications that go along with such licenses, that complicate things. I think, in some- perhaps even many- of the legal complications created by such a license, could be unhealthy to a marriage, like I spelled out in that previous entry. The biggest, of course, is that should the two parties get divorced, basically the assets get split 50-50. If one party in the relationship has 100X more cash/assets than the other, it puts the person with the larger asset pool in a very awkward position. I don't think that is healthy for a relationship. You can't institutionalize a relationship anyways. Commitment comes from the heart. The kind of trust needed, to get a marriage license in the situation above, is prone to the kinds of manipulation that people who don't have a significant inequity in resources who live together deal with as well, why what they do is sin. The core issue here is love... and avoiding manipulation. Manipulation is the sin that must be avoided at all costs. There is no manipulation in love.

I guess I should point out something else. A friend pointed out to me, that if either party is being forced to get married against their will, that pretty much nullifies any meaning to the marriage. This isn't really a common topic in our culture, because most marriages are based on the free will of the parties involved, but my friend is very right. Free-will is the only basis for commitment that works at all, and if either party is getting married for some other reason besides love and commitment, that reason is evil.

Another brief thing- while I do believe that commitment is the bedrock of any healthy marraige (whether one chooses to have a wedding, or whether one chooses to get a marraige license, or neither), I don't believe it is all that is needed. I agree that arranged marriages, where both parties are willing, can make that work- and whether or not that is a good thing or not, I really don't know. What I do know, is that getting to know someone before allowing sexual intercourse to muddy the waters is usually very wise. I've never had sex, so I know I'm talking about something I haven't experienced, but my understanding is that sexual intercourse complicates relationships, and even two completely committed people may need to stay away from sex until both parties are ready for it. Relationships are as much a process as anything else, and that process shouldn't be short-cutted out of impatience. And, I still believe (of course) that total and complete commitment is a necessary prerequisite to a healthy relationship, that you'd die before you'd break that commitment, but just because that commitment is in place, doesn't mean the relationship is ready for intercourse, particularly if the parties involved have baggage that needs to be worked through.

To sum up, I don't think most people who choose to wait until after the wedding for sex, are doing themselves any great injustice. I do agree, that the idea of making a public commitment to your significant other, is a good idea in general. I'm not the biggest fan of marriage licenses. I think they codify something that should come from the heart. I also think, that the expensiveness of weddings, keeps two committed people who are ready for intercourse from having it until long after the relationship is ready, and sometimes committed people have intercourse after the relationship was ready, and then feel guilty about not having had a wedding already- that's really tragic, because if they are committed to each other and the relationship was prepared for it, there really was no sin in consummating such a relationship.

I know some people are not going to like this entry. Please think about this. I really think I'm right on this one... and I'm sane now.

Nelson Mandela, and Things I Don't Understand

I just watched Invictus, the movie about Nelson Mandela and what took place in the year or two after he became president of South Africa. There is a point in the movie, where the person Matt Damon played said something very interesting, paraphrased "How could a man spend 30 years in here and come out ready to forgive the people who put him there?" This quote comes close to home for me, for I was in jail 10 days, and hospitalized four months last year.

The truth is, there are things that are hard to understand, unless you've been there. I have a friend, who is in prison right now, and I'm sure he'd say I have no idea what it's like to be imprisoned. I suppose, to a certain extent at least, that he's right. However, for whatever it's worth, I do know what it feels like to be incarcerated for awhile, and that has to help me get some kind of idea what imprisonment might feel like. It's funny... I've been out of the hospital for over twice as long as I was in the hospital, but I'd swear it felt much longer, like the longest stretch of time I've ever experienced. Unless you've been incarcerated against your will for at least a week, you can't really imagine what it's like. All this to say, an amazing miracle occured in President Mandela's heart for him to leave prison with a heart prepared to forgive.

This is where we get to what is incomprehensible to me. For me, I feel like I've been ruined by the hospitalization. Between that, and how entwined my faith was in what happened that lead to me being incarcerated... I really don't know how to move forward. I've stopped caring about things I probably should care about. I've got anger... anger I don't know what to do with. So, how did Nelson Mandela do it? How did he leave prison with a heart of forgiveness? People who don't believe in miracles, I don't know how you can explain something like this outside of the miraculous. This kind of forgiveness, it only comes from above. For me, though, that doesn't help. This kind of heart... I wish my heart was like his. I've left the hospital scarred, and traumatized. He left prison prepared to lead a nation into peace and reconciliation. I envy him. I don't know what his role was, in keeping his heart soft. I just wish I could be more like him.

You know, usually I find a cool way to wrap up an entry such as this. Tonight, I see none but this- when you think of an offense, so serious as to be unforgivable, remember Nelson Mandela, and his heart attitude towards his enemies. If there were resources in heaven capable of making forgiveness possible for him, then there is hope for the rest of us. That... must be a good thing... I just wish I knew better how to access them...

Ode to the Best Dog I've Ever Known

Today... is a sad day for my family. We lost a favorite family member, a Miniature Schnauzer named Sam. Like a lot of dogs, Sam was very friendly. He loved everyone he met. He rarely barked, unless someone was visiting- in fact, for awhile we wondered if he would ever bark. The truth is, Sam had no enemies. Sam was so gentle, you could take his bone or his food away from him and he would just look at you, is eyes saying, "why are you doing this to me?" Sam was as good a pet as we could have asked for. He wasn't a fetcher, but that was only because he liked keepaway more. I've spent hours, over the years, playing with Sam, and I don't regret a single minute of it. Sam was one-of-a-kind. We got eight years with Sam, and my only regret is not getting any more. We all miss Sam like crazy. It was really hard to say goodbye. I hope I see him in heaven. Sam, if you can hear me, thank you for your years of time as our pet. We are so grateful to have had such a fine dog. If you read this, please pray for our family- we are all taking his loss quite hard. We won't be the same, now that he is gone.

No Title

My mom says she thinks blogs are mostly just... public diaries. When I started this blog, that was far away from what I wanted it to be. I did not want my blog to just be a public diary. Honestly, my journal was never really a journal anyways. In it, I just let God speak to me. He's said a lot of things to me, like telling me my wife would be smarter than me. Some of the things he's said, I thought were a load of bull. Anyhow, for good or for bad, today's entry... is a bit of a journal entry, a regular journal entry. My heart is sad. I feel... I made a commitment, a long time ago, to love people. To follow God wherever he wanted to send me, and to do whatever he told me to do. I thought... I was going to make a difference, for good. I was going to help people. I was going to show people what love looked like. That was my heart. I've always wanted to be a difference maker. I wanted to pour my life out and be a blessing to everyone I knew. I wanted to speak words that healed people. And my hope, what I wanted in return for this, was to have a modicum of respect. I know... it's wrong to have expectations about how people would respond. However, at this moment... I don't feel respected. Actually it is worse than that- somehow, I've become the villain. My heart aches... I'm broken. I'm less than a man. Hell, I'm not even providing for myself. The damn government takes care of me. I can't even respect myself. I lost one of my closest friends, and I don't see most of my other friends nearly as often as I would like. I'm some kind of pariah. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost a large percentage of what motivated me to live. And I feel like nobody gives a damn about me. People care more about what I do than how much I hurt. I'm lost. I wish I had answers. I wish... I wasn't so alone. I wish... someone really understood what it's like to go through what I've just been through. You know... I'm convinced answers don't exist. I'm hurting... and nobody has the slightest clue how to bandage my wounds. I'm broken... and nobody has any idea how to put me back together again. I'm angry... because people don't know what to say. I never thought I would regret "trying to love perfectly." I was crazy, sure... but bent on helping people, not hurting them. Now I've lost my place. I've lost my identity. I try not to hear from God. I hardly pray, except out of desparation. I'm not broken... I'm destroyed. I'll never think of ministry the same. I'll never look at myself the same. I'll never hear God the same. I have no answers. Graham Cooke once said that if a person has a high call in God, that first God has to put you in a dark closet and beat the living daylights out of you. I think I know what that feels like. Now I just need to figure out how to walk again.

To all those out there who feel irrepairably broken, I know how you feel. I just don't know what to say to help you get put back together again... I have no idea...

Drugs, Video Games, and Raw Materials

Tonight, while I was hanging out with someone who I'll affectionately call "The Pal," I had a very interesting conversation. See, The Pal believes (or did believe- I don't know whether I changed his mind or not) that video games are intrinsically evil, and should basically always be avoided. I know he isn't that extreme, because he and I play Monopoly, bowling, and pool on my Wii when he comes over, but his beliefs are pretty close to that. Now, The Pal is about to go to college, and I'm concerned that he might miss out on social opportunities and possibly alienate himself from his peers by his video game convictions, so the goal of this conversation was to show that maybe it wasn't video games themselves that were bad, nearly so much as how they are used. CS Lewis says, in the book "The Screwtape Letters," that nothing in itself is good or evil, but the question is how it is used, and how it affects a person's relationships around them, and whether it produces disobedience to God, and so on, that makes something good or bad, so if a person played video games in moderation, that might be okay. The Pal, being the very smart person that he is, then asked me a very difficult question- what about pot?

Now, to be clear here, in a lot of ways this question is fairly hypothetical/theoretical, because neither myself nor The Pal are ever likely to use marijuana- I can speak confidently about The Pal here, because I know him very well. However, this was an interesting topic for me, because it hit upon a subject that I have strong feelings about. When I was a kid, during the short time I was in Cub Scouts, I was given a poster that named most of the drugs in existence at that time, and next to each drug was a cartoon/picture of a demon and a list of all of the negative health side effects associated with each drug. For me, that pretty much did it. I never wanted anything to do with any drugs. Alcohol was included on that poster, and it took me awhile before I was okay with having a drink (I've never had more than two in an evening, so I'm definitely NOT an alcoholic), but other drugs... no. Honestly, I've never really even been around drugs. To this day, I'm not exactly sure what pot smells like when it's being smoked. And to top it all off, for reasons that I don't understand, I once "failed" a urine test for pot, and was accused by a doctor who did not know me at all of using pot. Fortunately, my parents knew that I was innocent, but I consider that one of the worst insults anyone has ever slung at me (particularly, since at that time, I wanted to be a DEA agent when I grew up). All this to say, I probably wouldn't "take a hit" unless someone put a gun to my head. Inspite of what I've heard- that pot isn't much worse than alcohol, and it is even legal for some people to use to handle the pain associated with certain medical conditions, honestly I could never see myself smoking a joint, and truth be told, I don't think I really ever want to even be in the presense of someone who is while they are smoking it. So, The Pal's question was challenging to me. I'm trying to ask myself, is there a situation where the need to socially bond with the people around me trumps the potential harm I would be doing to my body and the risk of becoming addicted? Of course there is also the question of legality, but I think the argument could be made that loving our neighbor might trump that. To me, though, that leads to a scary slippery slope- how far do we go down this path? What about drugs like heroine, cocaine, methamphetimines? Are these just "raw materials" as Screwtape says everything is? That is a tough question- I don't think I could ever love another human being enough to have anything to do with drugs like this. Maybe I could learn to be around drug addicts while they used- that in itself would be uncomfortable. Actually using myself- I can't see that ever happening. Maybe it isn't necessary. I just know that people often bond while doing an activity- and for me, playing a video game or having a drink, I see that the social value is worth it, and the harm to the body is negligible or possibly even beneficial. This assumes that you can do these things without becoming addicted (whether or not I'm a video game addict, that's a whole other question...) but otherwise it's fine. Honestly, from what I've heard, pot isn't much different from either of these, but it is to me. I wonder if that is okay. I wonder how much I really love the people who are prechristians. I wonder if I'm hypocritical here. In theory I could see a situation where I might agree that taking the hit would be the right thing to do, but in practice... for me, I just couldn't do it.

I wish that I knew what to make of all this. I guess, everyone has things where we have strong feelings about this or that. The good news is, I've spent time with alcoholics and drug addicts, and I have no trouble loving them. Maybe that is what they need, more than me "using" along with them. Maybe I'm not ready to be around them while they are using, but we all need to grow in one way or another, right? I've just got to give it time. Meanwhile, I have to keep thinking about "raw materials"... Was CS Lewis right? I don't know...

What We Can Learn From The Joker

To be clear here, I'm talking about the villain in the most recent Batman movie "The Dark Knight," and I'm not at all saying that being a murderous psychopath is a good thing. However, for those of you who have seen the movie, hopefully this post will make sense by the time I'm done.

I had to watch "The Dark Knight" several times before I realized something of great significance. The Joker had something good that many of us lack. Don't get me wrong- he's the closest I've ever seen to the devil himself. Nevertheless, he has a couple of attributes that are worthwhile, and without which, he'd be just another villain. See, the Joker had a cause. Now this cause is a cause of mayhem and destruction- his cause is as far away from anything good as we could possibly imagine. However, he was totally devoted to his cause. He had courage- something, without which no great man, for good or for evil, is ever made. There are many slimeballs out there who have no courage, and others who in a sense mean for good, but have no real backbone to make it happen. Courage is something we all need, and say what you want about the Joker but he certainly was courageous. Anybody who puts a gun in the hands of an enemy and puts his mouth around the barrel- that is courage. And to be truthful, he wasn't suicidal, he just cared more about his cause than his own life. How many people can you say that about? That they "did not love their lives even unto death"? According to The Revelation, that is one of the marks of genuine faith. I don't know if I have that kind of courage, but the Joker did. Also, I love the scene where the Joker is burning millions upon millions of dollars. I like it, because it is the ultimate sign of someone who did not love money, which Paul claims (depending on which bible translation you got) is the root of many evils. See, the fact that money meant nothing to him, made him all the more dangerous. If we as believers cared as little about money as the Joker did, we might be dangerous in a different kind of way- a good kind of way.

I know it is weird to speak admirably about a villain, but most villains that we think of have nothing admirable to them. And in most ways, the Joker is about as evil as they come. I would argue though, that these characteristics- his devotion to his cause (the corruption of the soul of Gotham), his courage in the face of death, and his complete disregard for money- he had no price- these characteristics were what made him a world shaker. The cause was as evil as they come, but the characteristics I just outlined were what made him successful. As believers we need to be like that. We need to be fearless. We need to be priceless. We need to have a cause greater than ourselves that is worth dying for. That is what we can learn from the Joker.

Kingdom Love, Part II

In this world, we don't really understand the kind of love that "lays its life down for its friends." We don't understand why a man would choose to be crucified so that we could be forgiven. We don't understand why a man would choose to be a vagabond and never get to go home in exchange for saving a friend's marriage, like Sam did in the last episode of Quantum Leap, or how Batman decides to take the blame for another man's crimes, so that his town could be spared of having 100+ criminals being released back on the streets. We don't understand this at all, because we are used to there being a catch. However, there is no catch to Jesus's open-armed offer of forgiveness for any and all who wanted it. He really does love us that much, more than we can ever comprehend. It is this love that touched my heart. At times, I wonder about the risks of being taken advantage of, because of the profound effect Jesus's love has had on me. However, the truth is love is never wasted. Unforgiveness only seems pragmatic when we don't see how great the love is that we've already received. What did Paul call us? "Imitators of Christ?" The truth is that His love has no catch. He's prepared to give up everything that we hold dear, so that he could be with us. So, the least we can do is have hearts that are easily moved to compassion and forgiveness. The least we can do is not keep record of wrongs. The least we can do, is turn the other cheek. We can forgive, because we've had his love lavished on us at every turn. He's always smiling at us, even when we think we've disappointed him. Love lets go of the past, and takes a risk of being taken advantage of, because love is what we all need. We all need to see that Jesus is smiling, even when we are at our worst, behaving at our worst.

I wish I could explain what love really is. The best I can say is that God's love for us is like the best day you've ever had in your whole life times 1000... and times 1000 again. And that is still not enough. We are loved so thoroughly that we can never, ever escape his grip. We have a home in God's heart, and despite what we may think, we cannot lose that, no matter how bad we fall. All we have to do, is believe it is so, and let go of all those filthy rags that we call our past transgressions. God is always there, even for the worst of us- in fact, especially for the worst of us. Please receive it today.

Sincerely,
Sean

Kingdom Love

In some ways I consider it... a tragedy that I feel the need to write this the way I have in mind to write it. For one thing, I'm going to share some stuff that to be honest, shouldn't be publicized. I could be accused of trying to make myself look good or trying to impress people. Unfortunately, there are some actions I took while I was crazy that... for the people involved, there is some ambiguity about my motivation, or even some beliefs that in fact I was being manipulative or worse. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm not trying to defend my actions. I'm arguing that while some of the choices I made were inappropriate, my motives were of kingdom love. That is one of my reasons for writing this. The other reason, is that christendom has failed us in teaching what genuine love looks like, and as a group, Christians tend to do the bare minimum, or nothing at all. I abhor this, and have for some time. This message is designed to encourage believers to treat people... as if Jesus were an extravagant lover, and that we should actually be the same.

Here are some examples of how this has looked like in the past, before the moments in question happened, in my life. Please don't judge me too harshly for sharing these things- honestly I'd prefer not to. However, I think this needs to be written, so the question about my motivation for doing what I did (not what I'm talking about here: these things I am writing about here happened awhile ago, and before now I hardly told anybody) can be completely put to rest. Hopefully this ends the issue.

I had a friend, who was sleeping on an air mattress- not the kind that are meant to last, but the cheap kind that you get at the store. He calls me up in the middle of the night because it popped. Now, he needs to get a good night's sleep. I think it was around 3:30 AM or some such ungodly hour, and I was asleep when he called. My first plan was to wire him the money to get another air mattress from Walmart, but I went to two or three places and that plan just wasn't working. I decided to take my air mattress, and my sleeping bag, and drive to Springfield, where my friend is. According to Google maps, it is about an hour's drive. I think it took longer than that. All told, I think it took me three and a half to four hours to do it all. I'll be truthful here- I don't know that I would have done this for a stranger. This was a friend. Still, I believe that is what kingdom love looks like.

I had a friend that I made through working at a convenience store who needed a phone so he could get calls from employers, and needed a ride to Albany and back so that he could get work. Now, for the phone, I really wanted to get him something that would meet the need for a substantial time period. I bought a "pay as you go" phone that got double minutes for any new minute cards he got, plus I got him a card that gave four hundred minutes plus a year of service. I believe the original bill came to $150, though for some reason I only got charged $130. After paying for all this, I gave it to him when I picked him up to take him to Albany. I spent most of the day taking him to the temp agencies around Albany. I also got the phone set up for him, because he's not the most technically savy person. And I did these things, because I loved him.

Other examples- I've given several hitchhikers rides, a few times way, way out of my way. Once I even pulled an all-nighter driving someone to their destination in Rockaway Beach, about 2.75 hours from here one way. I have no idea how many times I've bought people food, I've bought many people varying amounts of gasoline, and generally I take care of my peeps and try to meet every need that is within my reach. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I think this is what genuine love means. For those of you who believe my motives were evil for the other stuff, well, draw your own conclusions, but I have a clear conscience. For everyone else- try to remember we serve a king who left heaven, whose first night of sleep was not in a fancy crib but instead a feeding trough, who had no home of his own, never took a wife, and who lived his whole life as an other-centered person. Go and do likewise.

Favorite Memories/ Things I Like

This post is... going to be a bit whimsical, but C.S. Lewis said that one of the strongest defenses against worldliness, is liking something without the least bit of a care about what others think about it. So, while I can't say that this is deeply spiritual in a direct way, I do think that the things we like that we don't care what anybody thinks about has some spiritual value, in a very practical way. Honestly, I've spent a great deal of time thinking about the bad stuff: the mistakes, the pain, all the garbage in my life, but not so much time looking at my happiest moments, and the things that I can honestly say, I really like. So here goes.

1) There was an invitation-only tournament that I was invited to, as the cream of high school chess players. Honestly, the first day I washed out. I lost all three games that day. What I like, is that the next day I came back and beat the two highest rated players in the tournament. The first game was a marathon- I'm pretty sure we used the vast majority of the six hours or so alloted for the game, because we were both in time trouble, but I pulled it off. The second game was a thing of beauty. I don't believe I've played a more beautiful chess game in my whole life. To come back and play spoiler, after my chances of winning the tournament were obliterated, to be honest, I'm more proud of the tenacity I showed that day than anything else I've done, except for graduating from college.

2) I split a state title in chess. The competition in this tournament wasn't as concentrated as the one I just mentioned, but I trained a long time for this, and I still consider that a significant accomplishment. I think it was in this moment, that I realized the value of being really good at something.

3) I saw my favorite geyser-Artimesia- twice. Oh my word, that is a beautiful sight. In the natural world, I don't believe there is anything more
beautiful. The first time I waited for three hours, and was starting to leave when it went off- I almost missed it. The second time, I arrived just as it was starting. Considering that there is a huge variation in how frequently it goes off- it is impossible to predict even remotely accurately- I think God's hand was in it. And, I am very thankful to have seen such a marvel twice, and I look forward to seeing it again some day.

4) Skating the Rideaux Canal. For some reason, this pops up for me as a favorite memory. That was beautiful.

5) Beating a bully at school for the last chess team spot- twice!

6) Shopping/hanging out at Powell Books. That book store, along with the technical book store nearby, is one of my favorites. Book stores are cool, but Powell's is something else...

7) Bicycling really fast. There are two moments that stand out in this regard. Neither are moments I intend to repeat in exactly the same way, but they are still significant. One, going down the hill near my house. I crashed by missing the turn, but my speedometer said I was going 50. 50! The other time, was when I was going down the hill on the other side of Summit on the way to the beach. My speedometer said I was going 30! I was in the middle of the road, and am fortunate I didn't get killed by a logging truck. Still, that was memorable.

8) Succeeding in biking to and from the coast. I remember when I finished a 60 mile trek from Philomath, through Summit and Siuslaw, to Newport, and finally to Beverly Beach. I tell you, there are VERY few accomplishments that are comparable. Oh, it felt good to run my own vacation this way-I didn't just bike to the coast, I biked there with my bike loaded for bear, making the feat more satisfying. It felt good to know I was capable of biking that distance, particularly with all the hills between here and the coast. I wish I was in that kind of shape now.

9) Running the Race to Robbie Creek- twice! That half marathon is grueling. I guess that's the only one comparable to 8).

10) Eating out at Romano's Grill while I was hospitalized, and having "Happy Birthday" sung to me in Italian by an aspiring operatic singer, studying such at PSU. That was marvelous. I also enjoyed eating Italian both times I was in San Fransisco- South Beach has fantastic Italian food, and when I heard about South Beach while I was taking a tour of the area in 2007, I knew I just had to have an authentic Italian food experience, and I did on that trip. The tour guide mentioned a "Rocco's Cafe," and in my more recent trip, I got to go there. It was awesome, too. I guess, if I'm going to eat out really fancy, Italian is what comes to mind. I guess, that's just one of my quirks.

11) Visiting Cal-Berkeley. That was cool. I've decided I want to do graduate studies there, and so I have my work cut out for me. Nevertheless, that is where I believe I'm going to get my master's from.

12) Visiting The Mission, in Vacaville, California. I really believe this is where my next spiritual home is, and it is where I want to put roots. If nothing else, when I get accepted to Cal-Berkeley, I want to move down there and go to church there.

13) Listening to Graham Cooke speak. I've been fortunate to go to several conferences where he has spoken, and I've enjoyed all of them. I love how he describes the life of faith, about... what is possible in the Christian life. He's my spiritual hero.

14) Texas Holdem'. I love that game. Not a whole lot of accomplishments there yet, but maybe at some point I'll take a crack at it. I'd love to see just how good I am at this.

There you have it. I know it isn't a complete list, but a lot of very happy memories are contained in this list. It is by no means comprehensive, but I think I got the most significant highlights. I think, these things are what make me... well, me. And, I think I like myself, just the way I am.

Sincerely,
Sean

A Dream and a Trip Game Changing

There are moments, in a person's life, that change everything. Most change that happens in life happens gradually- that's a realistic picture of the nature of change. However, sometimes something happens, that alters our perspective in a significant way. For me, I've recently had two such moments- the trip, and the dream.

In the trip, it was like I found myself. I realized that I had... some desires that I was ignoring. I found a school I wanted to go to for graduate studies. I found a church I wanted to be a part of. In the midst of these discoveries, I found... myself. Yeah, I found myself, in a way I hadn't anticipated. Some of the post traumatic stress disorder went away. I was at peace. I discovered rest. It was good.

The other life-changing event, was a dream. To put perspective on this, I was... really, really upset with someone. I didn't like how they were handling things, and honestly... I really didn't know what to do. Last night, though... I had a dream. In that dream I had a conversation with this person. Somehow, this dream defused my anger. I don't know if a dream has ever had that effect on me, of calming me down. I was ready to move far away out of anger, or at least with anger being one of the motivators. Now... I'm closer to being at peace, of letting go. I still don't understand, why this person handled things the way they did, but I'm coming to realize that needing to understand isn't necessarily a prerequisite to moving on. What does the word say? "Love is patient... love is kind... love is not easily angered... love doesn't boast." Yeah, I don't know that all the anger is gone. Peace will still be a challenge. However, the vindictive edge to it has passed on. I'm calm, ready to move forward. I want to get back to the life I once had. I've still lost a close friend, but I've discovered a deeper understanding of what true friendship is. And... I think I'm coming to grips with just being me. I don't even know for sure what that means, and yet I feel it is accurate.

Life... life is only going to get better from here. That I believe. There are things I want to do, and now I'm going to try to spend my life in ways that make sense. I want to bring to life one of my favorite quotes- "Get busy living or get busy dying- that's God's honest truth." I think it's time to get busy...

Sincerely,
Sean

Anger

When I think about the subject of anger, there is a scene in one of my favorite movies that comes to mind. It is a scene in the movie "3:10 to Yuma," and for those of you who haven't seen the movie, Ben Wade is a dangerous outlaw, and Dan Evans is a crippled rancher with a lot of integrity. Anyhow, there is another character in this movie, a guy who much earlier on had burned Dan's barn to the ground. This same guy made the mistake of tormenting Ben Wade while they were taking Ben to the town where he'd be picked up and taken by train to prison, and Ben killed him while he was sleeping. Dan and Ben later have a conversation, and Dan makes what I consider to be a profound remark. "But wishing him dead and killing him are two different things." I say this because I know I would never physically hurt or kill anyone, that is outside of who I am, but I'll be darned if I'm not amazingly pissed off at certain people and wish they were dead. It's a fine line really. What do you do with that kind of anger? I really don't know. It's a toxic emotion for sure. Bitterness, rage, anger, frustration, pissed off... I'm angry at too many people. Too many people I'm frustrated with. It is a feeling... a feeling that can be hard to handle. There is one person in my life, that I have to see about once a month, who if they died tomorrow, I'd probably celebrate. I'm serious. This person... is a piece of work. They piss me off just about every time I see them. I'm just glad I don't have to see them any more often than I do, because I'm pretty sure I couldn't stand to be around them anymore than I already am. There are others... I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be in the same room with them again. I'm angry. I'm angry about people trying to fix me, I'm angry about people who have all the tact of a porcupine, I'm angry about people judging me and jumping to conclusions they have no business coming to, people who don't know me and assume to know why I've done what I've done. I'm angry. I know, that I used to write about answers to things people struggle with, but these days, I don't have answers. I just have anger. And the characters I relate to the most in television and movies these days, are the broken ones, whose lives have come unhinged. My life is definitely unhinged. I just wish I knew how to deal with all this anger.

Sincerely,
Sean

Relating to a Villain

One of my favorite shows, Heroes, has a character in it named Gabriel, AKA Sylar. Through most of the seasons, this character was the main villain, although villiany in that show is spread around a bit and characters are more complex. When I first started watching the show, the character I liked the most was Peter, who basically always did the right thing. The truth is, though, nobody is really like Peter, or very few. We all mean well- well, most of us anyways, but few of us really follow our conscience as we should. In season one, it did seem for the most part, that Sylar had no conscience. Over time, however, it became apparent that he was complicated. It also is revealed that he wasn't solely responsible for his becoming a killer, that he had a little bit of help on that end. Also, in one timeline in the show, Sylar completely reformed himself. There were scenes, too, where Gabriel did the right thing, against his normal nature. The truth is, he was complex, as far as villains go. Most villains of television or movies are pretty flat. Gabriel, though... he's been complex for awhile, and the most recent season ends with him saving the day. How his transformation happened, he spent what felt to him like five years in a dreamlike state, alone for the first two years and then with Peter the last three years. I've known for awhile, though, that he was capable of good. I was cheering him on. I was always hoping he'd make the right call. Somehow, he was the character I cared about the most. It's weird how that happened, how I became attached to a serial killer. Perhaps because the show creators showed multiple facets of who he is, and gave a more complete picture of his history, how he got that way. We all have stories, there are always reasons why we do what we do. Everybody is complicated in one way or another. Maybe I related to Gabriel because he was understandable, I don't know. CS Lewis talks about how people who are great towards evil are also capable of being great towards good, that it is the people in the middle who have no real strength are the people also incapable of being a significant hero; I think that has something to do with intensity of purpose. At some point in watching Heroes I became convinced that Gabriel was worth saving, and that made his conversion all the more meaningful when it happened.

I know there are people in our lives that have hurt us and caused us pain. My hope, for me and for others, is that we would try to see the humanity in all of us. No matter how evil the villain, there's always a story of how they got that way- I'm not saying that their story justifies their actions, but it might help to ease the bitterness and the pain. Forgiveness only comes through understanding, and forgiveness is really for ourselves and not them.

Sincerely,
Sean

Songs that Mean Something to Me

For some reason, there are a few songs that speak to me where I'm at right now, and I feel inclined, for reasons that I don't fully comprehend, to share them. It is weird for me, that the songs that I think about most, and have the most meaning to me at this time, are songs that are, as best as I can tell, very secular. I wish I understood better the connection between me and these songs, but I guess it has to do with a sense that I am somehow understood by them. Okay, so here goes.

The first song is Paul Simon's "The Obvious Child." You can watch the video here. I think what I connect with in this song most is the apparent frustration being aired here. I can relate to that frustration, that disappointment with how things have gone, that anger. I also sense some sadness in the song. Since I'm mourning all that I've lost due to my bout with insanity, I can very easily relate to these emotions- I feel the same way. I do resent how certain people have treated me, that certain people have been dishonest with me because they felt I couldn't handle the truth, and that resentment resonates with that song. The chorus "I don't expect to be treated like a fool no more, I don't expect to sleep through the night Some people say a lie is just a lie But I say the cross is in the ballpark Why deny the obvious child?" really hits that hard. It is funny how music connects us to feelings we may not even know how to otherwise articulate. I feel this song expresses my feelings better than I could otherwise express.

Another song that speaks to me is "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen, which can be found here. This song expresses some frustrations that I really connect well with. "There's a joke, it's wild, and it's on me." is a sentiment I can connect with very easily enough. And I definitely feel like I'm dancing in the dark- I feel this phrase is about uncertainty, not sure where life is going, some confusion, yeah there really a range of emotions in this song I can relate to. What I find ironic, is the most popular youtube video for this song, found here, it may sound more like the original cut of the song, but the facial expressions during the song don't match up nearly as well to the emotions of the song. It's like there was a disconnection between himself and the emotions of the song while he was singing it. I like the version I first linked better, even though it goes unnecessarily long at the end, because the facial expressions he made while singing the song lined up better with the emotions of the song.

There is one other song that I relate with, and happily enough the author, who is a believer, his faith is integral to the song, yet it too relates to the sadness and frustration I currently feel. I'm talking about Rich Mullin's "Hold Me Jesus," which can be found here. Sadly, I couldn't find a live video of him just playing this song, which is too bad. One of the coolest things about Rich Mullins is that he never sugar-coated the life of faith in his music. His music often has emotions in it that relate to the harsher realities that the life of faith experiences, which means a lot to me, because that is where I've been my whole life. Nothing has been easy for me. Right now, I feel like I'm in some dark cave that no one quite understands, and few know how to relate to me where I'm at. It is weird, to go from a place of confident knowing, to a state of lostness that I don't know how to describe. I wish I had answers about why what happened happened, but I don't. I really don't know anything, but I do believe that I am loved by God, whatever that means. I may not understand it, and I may reject it some days, but I still believe it is there. I wish putting my life together was a lot easier than it is, but it just isn't. There ought to be answers, but none that I've found. What I find sadest of all, is that even though I am basically myself now (minus the joy and spiritual confidence), people are still avoiding me or even scared of me. I guess you can't do your best immitation of the Tasmanion Devil from Loony Tunes and then expect things to be normal four months later, but that doesn't make things any easier now. Oh well.

I hope this post helps someone. I don't know that I'm necessarily trying to help anyone; hell, I don't even know how to help myself. Nevertheless, maybe someone else will connect with it. Who knows. I've never felt so undone before in my whole life, and if you are in a crisis of epic proportions that is over your head, well, at least you know I have some idea what you might feel like.

Sincerely,
Sean

Depression

I want to write about my current state of mind. I'll be honest here; I don't know my exact motivation for writing about this, but I do feel that very few people who feel depressed write about it, so I thought I might share where I am at. Maybe it will help someone. Who knows, maybe it will even help me.
My life feels meaningless. It is like I am lost, or more accurately, I lost myself. I feel spiritually dead. I have feelings of wrath I don't know what to do with. I'm lonely. Oh, I'm really lonely. The people I've trusted the most to help me with life, I don't feel I can count on. I've lost my sense of hope. Truthfully, I feel as though I went to the hospital fucked up one way, and left fucked up a different way. What do you do, when you are so isolated? I don't know the answer. Truthfully, I don't know anything. This place I am at, doesn't need shallow encouragement. What it does need, though, I'm not sure. I have a deep yearning to be understood, that I don't think is going to get met any time soon. People are worthless, when it comes to helping this kind of state of mind. I am so angry at God I could spit. I wish I had solutions, but really, all I've got are problems.

I wish I could end this post on a positive note, but somehow, I don't think that would give justice to my feelings, so I'll just say this- thanks for listening.

Sincerely,
Sean D. Zlatnik

Why I Am Stuck Here

Note: All names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

I feel it might be beneficial for some people to know why it is I am stuck- or better said, why I believe the voice I am hearing is God. I just feel I need to explain this so that people can better understand where I am coming from. I do agree that a lot of the decisions I've made are strange. Some of the decisions I've made, I wonder what the point was. I wouldn't say this is really a defence, though in some ways I suppose it is. I realize I may end up leaving some details out, but when telling a story like this one, you just do the best you can. My biggest reason for believing that God was involved in this, is the divine intelligence required to create the following parables.

First parable-

I believe I've already written about this, but I believe it bears retelling. There are some elements of the story that I left out before that I am going to add, because I feel some things haven't been explained.

The story starts with my being invited to an event at Miranda's house. Miranda herself invited me, which meant a lot to me. At this event, I observed some strange behavior from two other parties, Ellen and Raina. I noticed that Ellen was avoiding me, which I found unsettling, because I had a nice friendship with Ellen and could not grasp why she was avoiding me. During the event Miranda asked me to be quieter, which makes sense because my voice carries very well. I was having a conversation with Raina in which I was whispering in her ear, because Miranda wanted me to be quiet, when Raina said (my guess, in hindsight jokingly) that Miranda was looking at me, indicating annoyance at how loud I was. Thinking Raina was serious, I stopped talking to Raina. Later, when I tried to talk to Raina, it became obvious she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I thought things were friendly- not grasping the romantic undercurrent involved, so I took offense at Raina's unwillingness to talk to me. At the end of the event I observed some strange behavior from Miranda- I told her that I had emailed her, and her response... is difficult to describe here but in my mind's eye it definitely relayed romantic interest. I was stunned. Once before Miranda had acted in a way that conveyed interest; she went very much out of her way to say hello to me- but besides that moment, I had no reason to think Miranda wanted thing one to do with me.

Since up until then, it seemed to me that Miranda was not interested, I was puzzled at why she was acting the way she was. It was a mistery. I think I emailed her a few times for reasons I can't recall now, and she got irritated (may not be the word she would choose, but close enough) and asked me to leave her alone for the time being. There you have one regret of mine- I wish I had honored this request. However, I got it into my head that Miranda was using Ellen and Raina to gather intelligence on me. This was very upsetting to me. The next time she tried to talk to me, I wouldn't talk to her- not that I was completely silent, mind you, but I shut the conversation down as fast as possible. Later that night I regretted doing this. Feeling remorseful about shutting the conversation down, and feeling afraid that my doing so would ruin any chance at a relationship with Miranda, I emailed Miranda saying "I don't know how to love you well right now." This was truthful- on one hand, I thought she might prefer me to not write her, she might prefer that I honor the set boundry. On the other hand, I was afraid she felt jilted, and I didn't want her to feel that way. I was dumbfounded as to what the correct course of action, because I was trying too hard to understand what was going on. From this point, I was emailing both Miranda and Ellen, and somehow I became convinced Miranda was using her friends to gather information about me, and so I wrote a letter with the following gist- Dear Miranda, I know what you did. A just response would be for me to never speak to you again. A merciful response would be to forgive you. A gracious response would be for me to spend all the money in my bank account to buy you these gift cards. I recommend you use them to ask me out, but you may do what you want with them. Sincerely, Sean I guess you could say I was very upset over something that was all in my head. That evening, I discovered that Miranda had removed me from her friend list on facebook. I freaked out, and wrote Ellen about the incoming letter. During this week, I wrote several letters to Ellen. In my mind's eye, I was using Ellen as a filter- I could have written Miranda directly, but since Miranda had removed me from her friend list, I was afraid of upsetting her. At one point, Ellen blocked me from emailing her. I felt that I was supposed to act in faith that Miranda still wanted to be with me. I ordered three dozen roses, to the tune of 161 dollars (after 10% discount). Knowing I had no money to pay for this, I borrowed from my next paycheck all the money needed to pay for the flowers. While I was at Miranda's house delivering the flowers- which was very hard, by the way- Miranda asked me why I didn't honor her set boundry. I was confused by this question, because I thought I had explained it in an email I sent. Either she didn't get the email, or I didn't explain very well. I answered, "I misunderstood you," which to me later meant to be ironic, since I've felt very misunderstood by her, for reasons I can't at this moment recall.

At this point things really get... interesting. Since Miranda asked me such a strange question, I became convinced my written letter to Miranda was intercepted by Ellen for foul purposes instead of good ones. I had told Ellen about the letter hoping she would help Miranda understand where I was coming from, or perhaps intercept it if she thought the letter was going to make things worse. My thinking here was that Miranda should know, between the letter and the emails, that I was upset, and that was definitely the reason why I ignored her set boundry. You could say... I badly overreacted. Anyhow, since I was still a bit upset at Miranda but now really upset with Ellen, I got the idea of doing something like what God did with Moses and Aaron- that I would be "God," this other guy, Jed, would be my prophet, and Miranda would be my people. I would pseudo date and pseudo marry Ellen, and send messages to Miranda through Jed. Yes, I know this thinking is nuts- but the handwritten letter is perfectly written such that it fits within this reality. Isn't that something? That is the first parable. While I'm sure that my thinking was off throughout, somehow it all fits together in this alternate reality.

Second Parable-

God led me on a trip to the coast, then to Salem, then all over the Portland area, then Salem, then home. I must explain in more details, though for you to get the significance of this trip. The first place I stopped at, was the Dairy Queen in Toledo. From there, I walked down a street in the direction of Toledo. I came to a side street that went up a hill. I took the side street, walked up the hill, and back down it. Then, I walked back to my car. From there I drove to Newport, then north to Devil's Punch Bowl. I went for a walk on the beach, and I crossed some streams that were headed to the ocean. God told me to walk on the water of the stream. The first time I refused. The second time (and this case, the water was only half an inch deep) I was willing. I don't know if I succeeded or not- the water was too shallow to tell. My feet didn't get soaked though. After this, I had a few more adventures, including meeting a few people that I think know Miranda, and then I drove to Salem. I thought I was going to meet Miranda in a Chilis, that God had told her to meet me there at 6 PM in Salem. Truth be told, all I knew was I was supposed to go to a Chilis in Salem at 6 PM. I went to Salem, got directions. It turns out there is now no Chilis in Salem. From there I drove all over Portland in Spirit-led driving, trying to find the Chilis- or the place God wanted me to be. Whichever. I waited at multiple restaurants a sum total of about 45 minutes. My driving time, however was extreme- I didn't get home until around 11 PM. Now for the point- I wrote in a blog entry later for Miranda to listen to "Love Song" by Third Day. When I wrote this, it was being led by the Spirit- I had no idea what it meant. However, let's consider the lyrics of the song:

I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary
Chorus:Just to be with you, I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give anything
I would give my life away.
I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
How may times has he broken that promise
It can never be done
I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea
Repeat chorus
(Bridge)I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.
Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.

Now, by this point I had basically acted out much of the song. I walked a hill. I walked on water. To be with Miranda, I drove through Salem and all over Portland- which is to say, I would do anything. To be with Miranda, I gave everything- I gave every cent of my bank account, and then I gave the same amount for the flowers from what I was planning to live on in the next pay period. This all before I even realized what I was doing or had any idea that there was rhyme and reason for what I was doing. Now I hope you can see where my stubborn refusal to believe that what is guiding me isn't God. There was just too much behind-the-scenes intelligence driving my behavior. Miranda, if you are reading this, I hope this explains a thing or two that you didn't understand, about why I did what I did. To everyone else- I hope this explains why I'm unyielding to any attempt to convince me that God is not involved in this.

Sincerely,
Sean Douglas Zlatnik

Fearless

This season may be my most difficult yet. I've thought of previous seasons as being seasons of great difficulty. Only now do I see I was only in the frying pan, and only now I'm in the fire. Everyone in my life thinks I'm deceived. My prayers for others get answered, but at what cost! The good news, is that I've held on to my hope. I see that God is fashioning a deep character in me through this season, and though I'm at my wits end and I don't see why this has happened, I do see that I am loved. God has been terribly unpredictable to me, which is to say that I've tasted unpredictability and I don't like it. However, I see now that I'm capable of a great deal of ministry in a very short period of time. I also see what genuine love looks like. I've faced many fears and found that I am not subject to them any more. I'm not afraid anymore. I know what perfect love is, and I am now free to be fearless, except of my lord and master, Jesus.

It is funny that people are upset over what I've done, thinking my motives to be selfish. Yet only I know just how tough all my assignments were. None of them were easy. One time of being screamed at, and I lived in fear of being screamed at once more. I still can't believe I had the guts to not be subject to that fear anymore. That was so hard! I took the risk of being verbally destroyed once more, over and over again. For me, that was terrifying. And yet, I know now that even my greatest fears can be overcome by the strength God gives. I'm not afraid anymore.

Regardless of what you all think, I know I'm not a coward. Even if the only thing I accomplished in this was this very thing, I consider this a success. That is all I have to say.

Your friend,
Sean

Where I Am Now

This season has been exceptionally difficult. At the moment, I'm trying to piece together what has happened to me, and I'm finding it difficult to make sense of it. It is funny, because on one hand, I'm very confident I've been obedient, while on the other hand, I'm a bit embarrassed about some of the decisions I've made. It is a weird combination.

I realize most of my posts have been teaching posts. Still, this is my primary blog, and I felt I should choose this venue for discussing my feelings about what has happened. I would say the best word to describe how I've been would be to say I was on tilt for God. I'm confident that I was being as obedient as possible, and I'm fairly convinced in the long run that I will be vindicated as being totally obedient. Nevertheless, I look at what I've done with a sense of embarrassment, and I surely hope to never have another season like this most recent one ever again.

Lots of questions hang over me as I try to make heads or tails out of what has happened. It is a weird season, but I think the worst is over.

Sincerely,
Sean

Siblings

Hi!

There is a grave misconception about the nature of cross-gender relations within the body of Christ. Somehow, we have it in our minds, that two people who are of opposite sexes could not live in the same house or spend time together or anything like this without being romantically involved or sexually involved. This is sad.

Do you know how much ministry is lost in the body of Christ because we make decisions based on the fear of our actions being misconstrued, rather than out of love? What if we could treat everyone in the body of Christ like brothers and sisters? Then we could go anywhere, and do almost anything. I say "almost," because obviously sexual intercourse is out of bounds. Obviously, nudity is inappropriate. You wouldn't be naked in the presense of an opposite-gender sibling, would you? Certainly not! Yet, most people wouldn't hesitate spending a night alone with a beloved opposite-gender sibling. Am I right or am I right? I would often have my sisters over for dinner. I'd cook for them, and we would play games together. We had a ball! Once I went on a walk with one of my sisters, and we held hands. We hug often, and I kiss them on the cheek. All of this is appropriate sibling behavior. Why can't we treat siblings in Christ the same way? Why do fear and perceived sexual temptation get in the way of having genuine relationships? We are all bound up inside, and we must be loosed of our fear. For me, this is a great tragedy of the body of Christ- we are more concerned about appearances and the risks of being misunderstood, than we are in developing real relationships with our brothers and sisters in the body. Christ called us to love everyone deeply. Romantic love is a whole other level beyond that for sure. We just have to understand the difference, and have a firm understanding what family love is versus what romantic love is. I think two people can live together, eat together, and even share a bedroom together, and not ever engage in sin. We only think this doesn't work, because we haven't been delivered from fear, doubt, depression, sexual lust, etc. We choose to live in bondage, rather than in freedom. Freedom has no fear. Freedom looks out for the other, rather than trying to get what it wants for itself. We misunderstand the nature of freedom, and shackle ourselves with unnecessary rules, that keep us from understanding the true nature of love. If two people love each other well relative to the existing relationship, there are very few situations that must be avoided entirely. Otherwise, the life of love is a beautiful thing. We need to get off the sidelines, and get in the game.


Sincerely,
Sean

Marriage is about Commitment, Not about a Document or a Ceremony

What I’m about to say could easily be misconstrued as a license for sin. However, if you get what I’m saying, you will realize that the opposite is true- more people are living in sin under the license of “marriage” than you think.

You see, Jesus said we should let our yes be yes and our no be no. What this means is, that we are freely giving ourselves truly, and are not holding our end of the bargain for legal reasons. For example, there are people who marry fast over lust and not for both love and commitment. These people are trying to do contractually what really needed to be done through the heart. They don’t get it. They don’t understand that love was never about a document you signed or anything else. Love has always been about commitment. It will always be about commitment, too.

Let us put it this way. Let us say that you are involved with the mobster’s daughter. You are married to her, in whatever way you want to define it. You are truly committed to her if you can be obedient in the following situation. The mob boss finds out you are involved with his daughter. He brings over innumerable guns, and over and over again he puts a gun to your head and asks you to break it off. Each time, you say no, he pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. Finally he shows you that all those guns were empty- no bullets in any of the chambers in any of the countless guns he’s used so far. He pulls out one more gun. This time, he shows you the inside of the gun- each chamber has a bullet in it. He puts the gun to your head. “Now I’m going to ask you one more time. Are you in or out of this relationship?” If you would still not back down, you are committed.

See? This is what commitment is. It is the “Come hell or high water, I’m going to be with you” kind of commitment. When Jesus said that people could get a divorce in the case of adultery, he said that for the same reason Moses permitted divorce- because the people were not ready for his kind of agape love. He let them off the hook, because he loved them. The truth is, if divorce is an option, perhaps you weren’t married in the first place, and you’ve been living in sin all this time. On the other hand, there are some couples who never had a marriage ceremony, but they are married in the eyes of God. That is because there is no manipulation involved- their marriage is based on trust and commitment, not selfishness and greed. Love does not use another to meet its own needs. Love trusts. Love perseveres. Love isn’t afraid of abuse, but completely surrenders. Don’t get me wrong- both parties have to have this level of commitment, not just one of them. However, if both parties are totally, 100% committed, there is no sin to have sex without some kind of ceremony. The ceremony is a celebration, not some kind of institutional sex Christmas or something. We have to get what marriage is and isn’t, stop judging by mere appearances and look at the heart.

I know this word is very intense. Please think about it thoroughly before judging it- I feel confident before God I’m right. Look at this, and you will see Jesus in this.

Your friend,
Sean

Love Casts Out Fear

I realize now that I have found the greatest issue in the body of Christ. That issue is singular- the issue of fear. Sadly, so many opportunities to minister to others are lost because of this very simple issue. We're afraid that God won't provide for us. We're afraid people will misunderstand us. We're afraid people will take advantage of us. We're just plain afraid, and it is tragic.

I believe that basically almost all fear, if not fear in its whole entirety, is bad. The God we serve wants and desires that we actually trust him. This trust comes in many forms. We can trust God that he'll provide for our finances. We can trust God with our reputation. We can trust him with the aftermath of misunderstood kindness. God can be trusted. He can be trusted for miracles, if only we'd offer to pray for people. He can be trusted for prophetic words. Daddy, as I call God, longs that we trust him completely. Yet we very often hang out on the sidelines, letting fear keep us out of the game. God wants us in the game! Begin to believe that God is big enough to care for you. Currently, I know someone who Daddy revealed to me has basically stripped themselves of a piece of their identity, for the purpose of reaching the lost. By doing so, this person has largely alienated themselves from the Christian community. I only know about it by divine revelation- and I could be wrong- but I'm fairly certain I'm correct in this conclusion. The purpose of this, is to reach people who could not be reached any other way. I'm telling you now this is what love is. Love sacrifices. Love trusts. Love is not self seeking or keeps record of wrongs. In the church, we talk about love, but love was never meant to live in theory. It must be practiced. True love very often involves taking risks. Sometimes those risks blow up in our faces. Nevertheless, without living out the gospel, we will never truly see what Daddy is really like. We will never know what it is like for someone who had been a hater of Christians to call you a friend. We will never see people beset with tragedy who turned from Christ return to Christ. There is so much that we miss out on because we believe the lies of the enemy more than the love of our God!

Please- stop living in fear. You can't control how others respond to your kindness. You can't control the future. You are not your provider; Daddy is. If we are going to love well, we must first let go of these sorts of assumptions. We are not guaranteed even another minute here on earth, yet we act as though we can prevent our very death. Very often, what passes for responsibility is just fear masquerading as love. We must learn to be led by the Spirit, and the Spirit leads us into the life of love. Please choose to believe your Daddy in heaven has your best interests at heart and has the strength to care for you, and that love is a choice that is always worthwhile. People are dying all around us, if only we weren't so afraid for ourselves that we would help them and each other...