Thoughts You Have At the End of Every Year

There are two times during a year when I think more deeply about my history so far and my future to come.  One is my birthday, and the other... is the week before the new year.

I'll be frank.  My life has most definitely NOT gone according to plan.  If my life had gone according to plan, I would have been married years ago.  YEARS AGO.  I'd already have a kid or more.  I'd have had a successful career, and I'd either be on to my second career or still enjoying my first career.  Life could have been so much different.  It didn't go that way, so here I am.

I could not have asked for a much more difficult first forty years of my life.  My life so far has been nasty and brutal.  I'm not sure it pays to describe just how nasty my life has been- I'm not making this post to get you to feel sorry for me.  What I am saying though, is that something profound has happened to me because of all the sheer misery I've experienced.  I've become circumspect.  I understand just how bad things can get.  I get that I need to appreciate my life now, which is qualitatively a thousand times better than it's been so far.  I need to respect the fact that even though my life is far from what I had always hoped for myself, that it still could be much worse than it is right now.

I don't know what to say about my past.  God forbid that I ever have to go through anything anywhere near as brutal as what my life has brought so far.  What I can say is that I have hope.  Where that hope comes from... I believe it comes from my faith.  Anyhow, my hope is that things will get better.  I realize that scripturally, I should maintain the attitude that regardless of whether things get better or things get worse that I should continually praise God and continue to maintain a positive attitude.  I'm struggling with that.  If even just the status quo continues to be the status quo for the next five to ten years, I've already told God that I don't want to live anymore.  Things have to get better.  I never wished to be single all this time.  I don't even know what to say about that.  I know that contentment is something highly touted in scripture.  I think that's easier to say for people who do have a romantic relationship in their life that they are happy about.  Those of us who do not, or worse have a romantic relationship that they are profoundly sad about- we don't get that.  So I must remind myself that there are worse things than being single.  But that doesn't help me feel better.  I don't even know what to say about that.

I'm not sure how to talk about the future in hopeful terms.  I have talked about the future in hopeful terms and been disappointed.  I've hoped and hoped and hoped, and have never seen my hopes fulfilled.  I'm convinced things will continue to get better- or better said, I'm HALF convinced.  The other half is filled with dread that the status quo will continue indefinitely.  I can't say anything about that.  I had no idea going into first grade that the life that was going to ensue was going to be this way.  I had no idea my peers were going to be so mean and nasty to me.  I had no idea I was going to join a church that was cultlike and where I would be somewhat ostracized for not being like everyone else, and where the pastor was abusive.  I had no idea I was only in the beginnings of mental illness issues that would plague me for the foreseeable future.  I didn't know.  I could go on.  I just didn't know that my life was going to be this hard.  I'm just grateful that I now have a therapist that empathizes with me, something that was sadly lacking in my other therapists.  

I wish I knew exactly what to say about my past.  Forgive me for kind of breaking my promise not to write about how hard my life has been.  Trust me when I tell you that I left out A LOT of the more brutal aspects of my history.  I believe if I told my whole story here, you'd weep for me.  You'd weep that someone went through so much.  You'd wonder why God would allow so much hellishness to happen to a single person.  And you'd feel sorry for me, something I didn't want you to do.  I can say though... as bad as my history has been... I'm aware that I BELIEVE God has better things to come.  And I need to hang on to that thought, or I'll go mad (again).

Looking Back On A Year In Scripture

I realize some of this, if not all of this, is repetitive with the rest of my most recent entries, but I want to talk about it all the same.  I read the whole Bible this year- the Old Testament once, the New Testament twice, and Psalms and Proverbs more than twice.  This is what really struck me in it's reading.  Also, the teachings of Mike Winger impacted me as well, though I don't agree with him on everything.

First of all, God is a proponent of the death penalty against capital offenses (murder mainly, but perhaps other extremely egregious crimes).  My feelings on this were less clear before this year- I wasn't really sure how God felt about it.  Now I'm pretty confident, even with Jesus' teachings against "eye for an eye," that Jesus would be for the death penalty, at least in capital murder convictions.

Next, God's views on abortion are less than clear- at least based on scripture.  I know long-time readers of my blog will know I'm prochoice, but... what I DIDN'T necessarily know is that there's a passage in Exodus where God actually teaches if a guy strikes a woman in the middle of a fight and she prematurely goes into labor and the baby dies, the guy is NOT to be killed, but to pay a sum of money.  This is very telling- because any cursory reading of Leviticus will tell you that if God thought a fetus was a human being, it would be "life for life."  To me this makes scripture's views more clear on the matter.  Other than that passage, there's very little in scripture pertaining to abortion.

Exodus 21:22 NASB1995:

“If men struggle with each other and strike a woman with child so that she gives birth prematurely, yet there is no injury, he shall surely be fined as the woman’s husband may demand of him, and he shall pay as the judges decide."

Another thing I've noticed- the gospels aren't so clear cut on salvation.  

The gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) in general teach salvation as more of a process- particularly the synoptic gospels (Mathew, Mark, and Luke).  John is the only gospel that talks about being "born again," and while it seems all gospels do mention accepting Jesus as the messiah as being a condition on going to Heaven, it isn't unanimous.  One passage teaches we'll be judged by how we treat "the least of these," which is different than being judged either by believing Jesus is the messiah, believing Jesus has been resurrected from the dead, or being "born again."  Also, there are multiple passages where it seems the poor are given preferential treatment by God- in the above passage it doesn't say how "the least of these brothers of mine" will be treated, and in the parable of "Lazarus and the rich man," it says nothing of the virtues of Lazarus, only that his life sucked so he got to basically go to heaven, while the rich man received his blessings on earth and then suffered for all eternity.  To me, salvation is not a clear-cut subject- but plainly the rich will be judged differently than the poor.  That much is clear from the gospels.

I think... a few other things I've noticed about God- God is all in on genealogies.  Why that is I don't know.  Throughout the Old Testament, whenever someone is mentioned it's always "son of <name here>."  This tradition is sometimes continued in the New Testament, but is much more common in the Old.  Also, God is ALL IN on the details.  Seriously.  Numbers are EVERYWHERE in the Bible.  You can't swing a proverbial dead cat without hitting a number, particularly in the Old Testament.  And the temple?  God cared about every single freakin' detail about the temple.  You could almost say that God is OBSESSED with the details.  Don't think God doesn't care about the little things- any cursory reading of scripture will tell you that with so-called little things... to God there is no such thing.

God sees vengeance very differently than the original crime.  Some people who have sinned like to look down on those that struggle to forgive, because a plain reading of Jesus indicates that God takes unforgiveness seriously.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Not only did Jesus ALSO preach hard about making amends when you've wronged someone, I think it was somewhat taken for granted in Jesus' sermons in the gospels that the audience understood that it was MUCH WORSE to sin against someone, than it was to be bitter about the sin committed.  Do not think for a second that God will be more lenient to a sinner who refuses to make amends with the person sinned against than for the person who is bitter about being sinned against.  This is an inaccurate view of scripture.  In the OT, God even sanctioned people taking justice into their own hands- even accidental killings!- God hates evildoers that much.  Do not think, if you've sinned against someone and not gone and apologized that you'll get away with it.  YOU WILL NOT.

I think this is a good percentage of what I've learned.  I'm planning on continuing to read the Bible- this time hopefully in an English Standard Version, to gain an even deeper understanding.  Also I'm hoping to start studying the Bible- I could use to deepen my knowledge of scripture even further.  

Thanks for reading.

Forgiveness and Ingratitude

Before you read this... I want to warn you.  This post spoils the first episode of the show, The Rehearsal.  It's a good show, and while this post doesn't spoil the whole show (I've only seen the first episode myself), if you have any intention of watching this show and want to really enjoy the first episode, I recommend not reading the rest of this post, going and watching the first episode on HBO Max, and then coming back to read what I had to say.  Now without further ado, here's my entry.

In the first episode (of what is either the first season or the only season of The Rehearsal), you meet a dude who likes to help people deal with tricky situations and in order to accomplish that, he does a lot of rehearsals so as to make sure things go off without a hitch.  He meets a guy who has a secret- he lied to his trivia team about how much education he had received- he told them he had a master's degree when he did not have one.  There was one member of the team that he thought wouldn't take the news well, so the show was all about rehearsing this meeting between this guy with the secret and this woman whom he was going to share the secret with, that he had lied to her and maintained this lie for years, and be coming clean to her.  Now this meeting was at a bar with a trivia contest, and the fact he didn't know the answers to some of the trivia questions was screwing up the rehearsals for the big meeting, so the initial dude who is helping the guy with the secret secretly gives the answers to the questions of the quiz in a way that the secret-keeper won't know that he's been given the answers, so that he'll do well in the trivia and therefore the confession will go well.  

Anyhow, the original confession goes better than expected.  The woman wasn't upset at all, she was good, even though he had lied all these years about having a master's degree, she didn't mind.  However, a very interesting thing happened after this- the helper guy confesses to the guy with the secret that he'd helped the guy succeed in the trivia contest, and the guy gets pretty upset.  He handles it MUCH WORSE than how the woman handled his confession of his secret, and is laid bare as hypocritical.  

I don't even know what to say.  Don't be like this guy.  This is an easy problem to solve- if you were really worried about the unfairness, give the prize back for winning the contest and move on.  He was UNGRATEFUL for the help, he was UNGRATEFUL that the woman took his confession so well... he was an ingrate.  He's worried that the audience of the show would judge him as not being able to answer the questions- instead, the audience of the show judged him as an ingrate.  Seriously... don't be like the secret-keeper in this episode.  If you've been forgiven much, freely forgive.  Remember The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant:

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

End of story

Seriously, don't be the unmerciful servant.  Remember- if people have been gracious to you, be gracious to others.  Right now I'm feeling convicted, because people have been merciful to me sometimes when I'm driving and I'm not always merciful to others... Lord, help us all remember that you've been merciful to us, let us be merciful to those around us.  Let us not be like the guy above, who forgot that he was just forgiven a lot, and should extend the same courtesy to the guy who helped him.  Let us not acquire your wrath by not being merciful to those that sin against us, particularly when they are wise enough to apologize... may we be the righteous servant that extends mercy to those that sin against us.  Help us forgive, as you forgive us.  Amen.

Covetousness and Envy

Let's start this off with the words of the Tenth Commandment-

Exodus 20:17 (NIV):

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

What exactly does this mean?

I think it means to be careful with the thought "I wish that exact person or thing belonged to me." as in "I wish that woman was my wife." or "I wish that exact car was mine."  

I think... I think it's okay to say "I wish I had a wife" or "I wish I had a car."  I admit, I believe scripture is a little less clear here.  Certainly scripture teaches that we should be content with what we have, but I don't know that general discontent is, in it of itself, a sin.

I also ponder what this means in terms of using porn or masturbating.  I've heard many times that using porn is the same thing as lusting... and maybe it is for some people, I'm not sure.  For me, using porn is my way of saying "I wish I had a wife" or "I wish to have an orgasm."  For me, the woman on screen is not someone I necessarily want to marry... I've never masturbated over an image and thought to myself "I wish that woman was my wife."  I mean, I'm just being candid here- I know this might be a bit much for some people, but... this is a prevalent issue within the church, and I struggle with it, so I thought it might make sense to shed light on it.  Please don't misunderstand me- I'm not saying that Jesus necessarily condones masturbating to porn, I'm purely saying that I don't think masturbating to porn is necessarily breaking the 10th commandment as laid out in Exodus, and it's even somewhat ambiguous to me whether it breaks the proscription in Matthew about "lusting after your neighbor's wife"... I think it's less clear cut than that.  But I digress.

I think we all need to be wary of coveting things that don't belong to us and never can belong to us.  If you covet a car that's for sale that's within your price range, go out and buy it.  Don't just lust over it.  At the same time, it's important that you are careful how you think about possessions of rich people that are beyond your capacity to buy or men or women who are married to other people- it is DEFINITELY outside the bounds of what scripture teaches as OK for you to meditate on wanting to have something you clearly cannot have.  In fact, this kind of meditation- even if it's on a man or woman who is single but has rejected you, is dangerous.  We all need to be cautious how we handle the things around us we'd like to have but can't have.  "May the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, oh Lord."  I think that should be the cry of all our hearts.  

Another thing... lust tells God "I don't like your plan for my life.  I want a different plan that is outside the scope of what I morally can have."  Seriously, God frowns on envying what other people have.  It's a real problem.  Contentment does matter to God- but it's especially important not to envy what others have, because there may be no real path to having that itch scratched outside of hatching a plan similar to what Jezebel hatched to give Ahab Naboth's vineyard, and that was despicable.  No one wants to be like that.  God takes theft of other's property so serious that he says "don't even think about it." 

If you are curious, here is the whole Naboth's vineyard tale:

Naboth's Vineyard (1 Kings 21:1-24) 

21

Some time later there was an incident involving a vineyard belonging to Naboth the Jezreelite. The vineyard was in Jezreel, close to the palace of Ahab king of Samaria. 2 Ahab said to Naboth, “Let me have your vineyard to use for a vegetable garden, since it is close to my palace. In exchange I will give you a better vineyard or, if you prefer, I will pay you whatever it is worth.”

3 But Naboth replied, “The Lord forbid that I should give you the inheritance of my ancestors.”

4 So Ahab went home, sullen and angry because Naboth the Jezreelite had said, “I will not give you the inheritance of my ancestors.” He lay on his bed sulking and refused to eat.

5 His wife Jezebel came in and asked him, “Why are you so sullen? Why won’t you eat?”

6 He answered her, “Because I said to Naboth the Jezreelite, ‘Sell me your vineyard; or if you prefer, I will give you another vineyard in its place.’ But he said, ‘I will not give you my vineyard.’”

7 Jezebel his wife said, “Is this how you act as king over Israel? Get up and eat! Cheer up. I’ll get you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite.”

8 So she wrote letters in Ahab’s name, placed his seal on them, and sent them to the elders and nobles who lived in Naboth’s city with him. 9 In those letters she wrote:


“Proclaim a day of fasting and seat Naboth in a prominent place among the people. 10 But seat two scoundrels opposite him and have them bring charges that he has cursed both God and the king. Then take him out and stone him to death.”

11 So the elders and nobles who lived in Naboth’s city did as Jezebel directed in the letters she had written to them. 12 They proclaimed a fast and seated Naboth in a prominent place among the people. 13 Then two scoundrels came and sat opposite him and brought charges against Naboth before the people, saying, “Naboth has cursed both God and the king.” So they took him outside the city and stoned him to death. 14 Then they sent word to Jezebel: “Naboth has been stoned to death.”

15 As soon as Jezebel heard that Naboth had been stoned to death, she said to Ahab, “Get up and take possession of the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite that he refused to sell you. He is no longer alive, but dead.” 16 When Ahab heard that Naboth was dead, he got up and went down to take possession of Naboth’s vineyard.

17 Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah the Tishbite: 18 “Go down to meet Ahab king of Israel, who rules in Samaria. He is now in Naboth’s vineyard, where he has gone to take possession of it. 19 Say to him, ‘This is what the Lord says: Have you not murdered a man and seized his property?’ Then say to him, ‘This is what the Lord says: In the place where dogs licked up Naboth’s blood, dogs will lick up your blood—yes, yours!’”

20 Ahab said to Elijah, “So you have found me, my enemy!”

“I have found you,” he answered, “because you have sold yourself to do evil in the eyes of the Lord. 21 He says, ‘I am going to bring disaster on you. I will wipe out your descendants and cut off from Ahab every last male in Israel—slave or free.[a] 22 I will make your house like that of Jeroboam son of Nebat and that of Baasha son of Ahijah, because you have aroused my anger and have caused Israel to sin.’

23 “And also concerning Jezebel the Lord says: ‘Dogs will devour Jezebel by the wall of[b] Jezreel.’

24 “Dogs will eat those belonging to Ahab who die in the city, and the birds will feed on those who die in the country.”

End of text

This passage illustrates just how dangerous covetousness is. Don't be like Ahab. Or David when he coveted Bathsheba. Remember- God has a plan for all of us. It's a good plan. Don't covet what belongs to others. Be satisfied with God's plan for your life. It may seem to you that David got away with coveting Bathsheba, but... after this incident, trouble never left David's house. His consequences for his sin lasted for all the rest of his life. Be very wary of coveting what belongs to your neighbor. That's dangerous stuff.

Celebrities Going To Heaven?

I'm not at heaven's gates, but I have read the gospels...

For some reason, modern culture likes to assume that if someone was rich and famous, and provided them with laughs, enjoyment, or entertainment, that that means that when they die they are going to heaven.

I don't know any of these people. I don't know their hearts, or exactly where they stand with God. I do know that the things I just listed are absolute rubbish to God.

You can't get into heaven because you entertained people. You can't get into heaven by being rich and famous. Getting into heaven has to do with having a relationship with God. If Jesus's parables are to be believed, if you suffered a lot on Earth that means if you weren't rotten to the core there's a good chance there's a place for you in heaven. Jesus didn't mince words, particularly when he told the parable of Lazarus and the rich man:

 
Luke 16:19-31, New International Version

The Rich Man and Lazarus

19 “There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20 At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21 and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

22 “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23 In Hades, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24 So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’

25 “But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26 And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been set in place, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’

27 “He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my family, 28 for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’

29 “Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’

30 “‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’

31 “He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’”

I think... if I were to understand this correctly, being wealthy on Earth means you have an added responsibility to care for people around you, and to live by faith for God and not just preserving your financial success on Earth.  Based on a cursory reading of the gospels, I would say that Jesus isn't the hugest fan of people who are wealthy on Earth but not wealthy towards God.  If you are wealthy towards God, then you will tend to see your earthly treasures as a way to acquire heavenly treasure.  God cares A LOT about how we see our money and possessions.  So... read the gospels.  The above passage isn't the only one- Jesus is very unambiguous about his feelings about people who are wealthy on earth but haven't really done any due diligence about being right with God.  God cares more about what you have left over than what you give, so next time you give a big gift, remember- it's how big a gift it was TO YOU that matters more than how big it seems to the world.

I say all this as a warning.  Be wary of being attached to your earthly possessions.  It's fine to have them, but at some point God may demand something of you, and hopefully you'll be up to the task to give God what he asks.  Your possessions aren't really "yours;" in fact we're all really stewards of what is in our lives- hopefully we'll be found to be good at taking care of what God handed to us as well as using what God gave us for his glory.  As Jesus said:  "Beware of all forms of greed...."

Judgment About Killing or Avenging the Death of a Loved One

You can learn a lot about how God sees things by reading the Old Testament, in this case Numbers 35 in particular.

For example, you learn that if someone kills one of your loved ones (even by accident!) the Old Testament law basically states that you have the right to kill the person who killed your loved one.

Now I don't think, with the revolution that Jesus brought about loving one's enemies that this is still in effect, plus it is against the laws of this world.  I don't think people should go around avenging the deaths of loved ones by killing the perpetrator- particularly when we have a perfectly good legal system for dealing with this.  

HOWEVER, what this DOES teach is that God sees things VERY differently, in some ways than you or I.  We assume that killing is killing, and that each death should be basically considered equally.  Now truth be told, I think juries tend to look at someone avenging the death of a loved one differently than the original murder, but it should be clear from Numbers 35 that God himself sees it much differently.  In the Old Testament, God doesn't even see the avenger as a murderer.  I think we should be careful how we look at people who kill people who have killed the first person's loved one.  That is different to an extreme degree.  I don't know what to say.  I was raised that basically to kill anyone, even if the state did it to a murderer in the form of the death penalty, is wrong, and should be avoided.  Now I'm not so sure.  Honestly I thought the death penalty should be reserved for extreme cases, such as serial murderers- now I'm not so sure.  Also, this changes how we look at people who attack people who are committing crimes against them.  It does somewhat justify some of the self-defense laws on the books, as far as how God sees them.  If you really are defending yourself, God sees that much differently than how he sees the perpetrator.

I realize that some people may not find this interesting.  Maybe it's obvious to everyone else, at least everyone else that wasn't raised Mennonite.  To me though, this was revelatory.  I don't read scriptures very often that have a profound impact on how I see things.  This scripture did, however.  I'll never look at killing people the same again.  If the Bible teaches in the Old Testament that a man has the right to kill someone who killed a loved one, how much more should we be cautious over judging a prechristian over the killing of someone who killed their loved one?  Food for thought.

Can Someone Who is LDS Be... Saved?

I just watched this video here, and Dallas basically says that he knows... Mormons that he considers to be... saved.  I want to talk about this subject at length.

After watching this video, I can't help but think that Dallas doesn't really understand the issues at hand.  The problem isn't the idea that someone in some people group couldn't be saved- I mean sure, theoretically speaking a Buddhist or a Hindu could theoretically come to Christ and somehow stay Buddhist or Hindu, but from the outside looking in that seems unlikely.  The thing is, Mormon theology is about humans earning their way to Heaven by various acts they do on earth, including tithing to the Mormon Church, having a Temple marriage, amongst other things.  They (in general) believe that Jesus's sacrifice is not enough, and that salvation requires good deeds.  The problem with this is that it means our salvation is more on us than on Jesus, and that we can look at our growing faith with pride and say in our hearts "I did that.  I earned my way to Heaven."

This is not at all what the Christian theology teaches.  Sure, we DISPLAY our faith by our works, HOWEVER we do not DEFINE our faith by our works.  These are two different things.  Displaying our faith is where the outflowing of our lives demonstrate the goodness of God.  It's the natural consequence of being loved by God.  If a feral dog comes into a loving environment, usually with time, exercise, discipline and affection, such a dog becomes friendly and beloved by the family as a good dog.  The dog doesn't do good works to earn the good graces of his master, it's simply a byproduct of being loved.  In the same way, a new Christian is changed from the inside out by the love of the master, and in time loves themselves, because they are overflowing with love.  They aren't worried about whether their good deeds are good enough to get into some level of heaven (yes, Mormons believe in multiple levels of heaven- at least, those totally familiar with all the Mormon writings that have been written do), they know their good deeds aren't worth a hill of beans compared to the knowledge of salvation that comes through Jesus and Jesus alone.

Is what Dallas said in the video above true from a technical perspective?  I suppose.  If someone in Mormonism was not overly familiar with the teachings of Mormonism over the last 150-200 years comes to believe that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life and that no man comes to the Father except through me... okay.  If someone stays in the Mormon church to try to get people out of Mormonism, as sort of a spy working against the system- I say that's dangerous work (not only would I imagine LDS elders would take this very seriously if such a person was found out, I think spending that much time with Mormons in general probably wouldn't be especially good for one's spiritual health), but sure... if one were successful without going astray, that would be admirable work.  However, as a general rule, following Mormon theology at its core is unhealthy and leads to self centered faith rather than a Jesus-centered faith.  Mormon theology is antithetical to Christian thought, because it promotes pride, not humility.  It promotes spiritual pride, in fact.  CS Lewis thought that spiritual pride was one of the worst vices a person could have (read The Screwtape Letters if you don't believe me).  The spiritual pride of thinking you are superior to the people you know because your works help you earn your way to Heaven is disgusting to me.

To give you an idea of how much Jesus hates spiritual pride, let's look at the parable of the pharisee and the tax collector (Luke 18:9-14, NIV):

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

End of Quote

Jesus does not approve of having a self-centered faith.  Humility is one of the main hallmarks of the Christian faith.  Could there be Mormons that are saved?  Sure.  Are there people in Evangelical churches that aren't saved?  I believe so.  HOWEVER, LDS theology is not compatible with Christianity.  If you want to serve God wholeheartedly, you need to recognize that LDS theology is, at it's core, teaching a different gospel than what Jesus and also Paul taught, and I believe, if you buy into the thinking that the LDS church is truly based on, you are playing with serious fire.  God will not tolerate spiritual pride in anyone, regardless of what faith a person follows.  God takes this very seriously.  You should too.

School Shootings

I have a confession.  I empathize more with most if not all of the school shooters more than I empathize with the victims.

I was abused... A LOT in school.  Some of it physical abuse.  A lot of it verbal abuse.  All of it bad.

There's a part of me that wishes I had gone to school and shot up the place.  It's a part of me that I don't especially like, and not a part of me I really like to talk about, but it is a part of me.

From my perspective, schools are extremely lax in dealing with peer abuse.  They don't do shit.  Sometimes they even punish the victim for standing up for him/herself.  Schools are nasty.

There are moments when I think about what I went through that I feel true rage about what that abuse did to me.  I don't understand why no one gave a shit, why I had to go through all that essentially alone.  And I was alone for a lot of it.  I don't even know what to say about it.

I look back on sixth grade with horror.  Sixth grade was a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.  I experienced peer abuse through most of my schooling, but sixth grade is when it raged out of control.  No one stepped in to help.  I was in hell on earth, and it sucked.  If I was told I could be a trillionaire and all I had to do was relive the sixth grade without any of the wisdom I've acquired with age or any of the maturity I have now- that is, relive the sixth grade as it actually happened in the first place, I would tell the person making the offer to go fuck themselves.  No amount of money would make it worth it.

I realize this isn't the most uplifting post.  I realize that there have been people killed in school shootings who absolutely didn't have it coming, and some school shootings that really don't make sense.  I'm not saying that what happens in school shootings is justice, for I think many times school shooters don't get the worst offenders and instead shoot people largely indiscriminately, and honestly there are no winners in school shootings.  Oftentimes the shooter(s) kill themselves, leaving a bloody wake behind them.  But I understand where that rage comes from, and I wish more could be done to deal with all the abuse that happens in schools.

As I'm trying to deal with all the damage that happened to me at the hands of my peers, I'm at a serious loss as to how to deal with it.  Honestly, I've experienced as much horror in many ways as an adult as I did as a kid.  My adulthood honestly, in many ways, hasn't been better.  The abuse I've experienced as an adult was often more subtle, but in many ways just as bad and often insidious.  I don't know how to deal with my life in some ways; sometimes the anger is too much.  But my years in school were pretty bad and I wish more could be done to prevent bullying.  I wish... instead of focusing on gun control, that more could be done to reduce the amount of peer abuse that happens in schools.  You reduce that, and you solve the real problem and even without stricter gun control laws you'll see a reduction in school shootings.  Because it's the rage that drives the shootings.  That is the real problem.

Thirsty For Grace

 I'm rereading the gospels right now...

I'm struck by how hard a man Jesus was.

It's interesting to me that people take the teachings of Paul and run with it.  I'm not saying the propitiation isn't real, but damn.  When Jesus says things like "anyone who, after deciding to follow me looks backward is not worthy of me" (paraphrased)... I mean there are SO MANY THINGS JESUS SAID THAT WERE RUTHLESS.  Jesus was a fireball of intensity.  I don't know who people think they are, reading the Bible and believing they are Heaven bound.  No one can read the gospels and say "I've made it."  No one.  Jesus just set the bar so effing high that I can't imagine anyone thinking that they were a success in Jesus's eyes.

And yet, the lowly and the downtrodden, the sinners and the tax collectors, all loved him and wanted to be around him.  Huh?

How can the guy who says "He who doesn't hate his father and mother isn't worthy of me" and "My flesh is real food and my blood real drink" attract the lowly of the world to follow him everywhere?  Who is this lunatic who says "I am the way, the truth, and the light- no one comes to the Father except through me."?

I've been a follower of Jesus for a long time.  Honestly my commitment to Christ deepened in 1997- that's when I tell people I was born again, though truthfully I was probably saved in the 6th grade and just became a disciple in '97.  And yet in this season, I'm nervous.  Jesus makes me nervous.

I don't know what to say.  I don't know how anyone can read the gospels and think "I'm going to Heaven."  The sheep from the goats?  Has anyone ever ALWAYS helped EVERYONE that has asked them for help?  I don't even know what to say to that.  There have been times when I've helped people who have asked me for help.  Then there was that time I was driving and on my way to Idaho, and this person came out of nowhere and asked me for money, and I said no.  This still haunts me.  Perhaps I was supposed to help them?  I dunno.

Jesus scares me.  If you've spent a lot of time in Paul's epistles, you might feel quite safe about your salvation.  Maybe take some time to reread the gospels with open eyes to think "What if this is how I'll be judged."?  What if Jesus does separate the sheep from the goats?  What if we'll be judged for how we viewed God and whether we took full advantage of all the talents God has given us?

I don't know how anyone can look at the gospels and not be nervous about eternity.  My only hope is that I truly believe that Jesus is merciful.  I remember what Jesus said to the thief on the cross- "Today you will be with me in paradise."  If that's the mercy for the thief on the cross, MAYBE there's room in Heaven for me.

The Greatest Temptation I Overcame

So... when I was manic/psychotic some... I think it seven or eight years ago, I took my car for a journey to California.  After a lot of driving and following directions in my head, and after having gone as far south as Los Angeles, I eventually ended up in Death Valley.

I parked my car off the side of the road.  The voice I thought was God (whether it was or not is very debatable... I honestly don't know) told me to rest.  I slept for multiple hours in my car.  I woke up and was cold, and God told me to get out of my car and walk down this highway.  This became one of the toughest temptations I ever faced.  Being 700 miles from home, with no cell phone and very little money, the temptation is to stick out a thumb and hitchhike.  But God wouldn't let me.  He told me NOT to stick out my thumb and to just keep walking.  I did stumble across a small convenience store in this very small village along the road I was on, and I believe I went in, and using the little amount of funds I had left I bought something to eat or drink, I don't remember what.  Then I kept walking.  In total I walked five miles without sticking out my thumb even one time.

If ever I was at risk, it was on this trip in that situation.  Had I stuck out my thumb, WHO KNOWS how long it would have taken to get home.  I think all manner of evil could have befallen me had I gotten a ride.  And I probably never would have seen my car again.  It would have been terrible.  Because of my obedience, a policeman stopped behind me and picked me up, giving me a ride to a hospital for care.  He contacted my parents, and got them to come down to help me.  Of the possible outcomes for this trip, it could have been worse.  But I am grateful that I was obedient, regardless of what you think of the voice inside my head- had I not listened to the voice, any number of things could have happened.  I might have gotten a ride, taken somewhere else, and dropped off somewhat "closer" to home, yet arguably infinitely further from home, simply because my path home from there on would be hitching rides, and that might take a very long time.  I am grateful that I was obedient.  Thank God for having me trust him and for his deliverance.

Why It's Good For Anyone To Read Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings Books

I think these books get a bad rap among some Christians as being "demonic" because they involve magic.

If I want to... get past someone's defenses and really speak Christian truth to someone without raising any alarm bells or making it obvious that I'm teaching kingdom principles, I've got to find a way to teach the Kingdom without raising the alarm.  That's what Harry Potter and what the various Lord of the Rings books do.  JK Rowling and JR Tolkien both had living faiths in God, and their faiths are conveyed in their writings.  Christianity works best when it's NOT in your face.  

I see video footage of people burning various books and stuff... as a Christian, I can kind of see burning Ouija boards and items that actually pertain to witchcraft, but... Harry Potter?  Any Christian that wants to burn Harry Potter books hasn't actually READ Harry Potter to see what was inside.  We as believers need to be smarter than this.  I can see why someone might burn a Satanic Bible, or something else that could lead someone astray, but Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings books have the Christian faith all over it, and we've got to be better than that.

Honestly, I think... it's better if we don't get publicized when we destroy REALLY demonic stuff either.  Seriously, the world doesn't understand the danger that some of these things pose, and it just looks like we want to burn books.  I think... burning books, at the core, is risky- it may cause the kids there to have an overactive interest in the books being burned.  Why are those books being burned, they ask... so they read them.  And to be fair, there are plenty of books that I think could do real damage to a person that I think we'd be better off NOT burning, and instead invest our time trying to reach the people who love those books.  I dunno.  I think book burning is double edged.  We must be careful about what we do, or the world will become fixated on the things we detest.

I think at the core, we should focus on reaching people with God's love, more than just destroying occultic objects.  Are there objects that should be destroyed?  I can see that.  But try not to make the news while you are destroying them.  I don't think the world gets it, or helps anyone seeing you destroy stuff brings them closer to God.

Don't Envy the Wealthy and Famous!

I always thought this post went without saying.  If you are made new in Christ, you are a new creation, and you have a home in Heaven and the opportunity to amass treasure in Heaven.  Why then envy those who in all likelihood won't even go to Heaven?!?  Seriously.  They are not to be envied.  Compare and contrast these two songs:

Me Too 

This World

What it comes down to, is what do you want?  Do you want God and to live forever in Heaven?  Do you want to be rich in Heaven?  Or do you want to be rich here and not even go to Heaven?

For those who point out that Christians can be wealthy here on earth, OK, but that should never have been our focus.  We should not focus on amassing wealth in this life.  That is not why we are here.  We are here to bring glory to our maker and amass treasure in Heaven.  If you look at the rich, powerful, and famous with envy, you are playing with fire.  I tell you the truth- many times I've hated my life for as hard as it has been.  In the midst of how hard it has been and all the trials I've been through, I've never told myself "Wouldn't it be nice to be one of the rich and famous who have no treasure in Heaven and are, in all likelihood, not even going to Heaven?"  NO!  Seriously.  I've paid too steep a price for the relationship I have with God to envy people with money.  I tell you the truth, it's DANGEROUS to envy the rich and famous.  You are playing with fire.  God will not take such a violation of the 10th commandment lightly.  Remember- blood was spilled so you could go to Heaven and live eternally with God.  Why would you want to screw around with the thought of having what the rich and famous have on earth, knowing they generally have nothing in Heaven?  Remember, it is hard for someone who is rich and famous on earth to go to Heaven.  Few will make it, and the few that do may have very little treasure.  Remember that when Jesus was talking about giving, he pointed out a poor widow who gave next to nothing gave more than the rich did, because she gave all she had to live on, whereas the rich gave out of the extra money they would not miss.  Do not think that Bill Gates or Warren Buffett are giving more than you because they are giving more money- Jesus plainly taught that the one who gave the most is the one where the gift actually cost them personally.  Seriously.  Do not envy the wealthy or the famous.  They will be exposed as having little to nothing when they get to Heaven.  Set your sights on Heavenly treasure, and do not let up until you reach Heaven.