Thirsty For Grace

 I'm rereading the gospels right now...

I'm struck by how hard a man Jesus was.

It's interesting to me that people take the teachings of Paul and run with it.  I'm not saying the propitiation isn't real, but damn.  When Jesus says things like "anyone who, after deciding to follow me looks backward is not worthy of me" (paraphrased)... I mean there are SO MANY THINGS JESUS SAID THAT WERE RUTHLESS.  Jesus was a fireball of intensity.  I don't know who people think they are, reading the Bible and believing they are Heaven bound.  No one can read the gospels and say "I've made it."  No one.  Jesus just set the bar so effing high that I can't imagine anyone thinking that they were a success in Jesus's eyes.

And yet, the lowly and the downtrodden, the sinners and the tax collectors, all loved him and wanted to be around him.  Huh?

How can the guy who says "He who doesn't hate his father and mother isn't worthy of me" and "My flesh is real food and my blood real drink" attract the lowly of the world to follow him everywhere?  Who is this lunatic who says "I am the way, the truth, and the light- no one comes to the Father except through me."?

I've been a follower of Jesus for a long time.  Honestly my commitment to Christ deepened in 1997- that's when I tell people I was born again, though truthfully I was probably saved in the 6th grade and just became a disciple in '97.  And yet in this season, I'm nervous.  Jesus makes me nervous.

I don't know what to say.  I don't know how anyone can read the gospels and think "I'm going to Heaven."  The sheep from the goats?  Has anyone ever ALWAYS helped EVERYONE that has asked them for help?  I don't even know what to say to that.  There have been times when I've helped people who have asked me for help.  Then there was that time I was driving and on my way to Idaho, and this person came out of nowhere and asked me for money, and I said no.  This still haunts me.  Perhaps I was supposed to help them?  I dunno.

Jesus scares me.  If you've spent a lot of time in Paul's epistles, you might feel quite safe about your salvation.  Maybe take some time to reread the gospels with open eyes to think "What if this is how I'll be judged."?  What if Jesus does separate the sheep from the goats?  What if we'll be judged for how we viewed God and whether we took full advantage of all the talents God has given us?

I don't know how anyone can look at the gospels and not be nervous about eternity.  My only hope is that I truly believe that Jesus is merciful.  I remember what Jesus said to the thief on the cross- "Today you will be with me in paradise."  If that's the mercy for the thief on the cross, MAYBE there's room in Heaven for me.