Collateral Beauty

I just watched the movie "Collateral Beauty" for the umpteenth time (I may have even seen it twice while it was still in theaters, I loved it so much), but I realized I never spent time thinking about the collateral beauty of my situation.

I have been ground up into little pieces by the way my life has gone and experienced enough difficulty and trauma for three people, maybe more than three people.  Sometimes it's hard to see the collateral beauty.  However, regardless of how difficult it is, I'm going to attempt to write about it, here and now.

1) I really like who I've become

Seriously... I mean, I had some depth before 2009, I most certainly did.  I had already been through a lot at that point.  But 2009 on... was hell.  Things didn't really start to turn around until 2019, and things didn't actually seem alright until I acquired the therapist I have now and my current best friend.  Because of what all I've been through, I've developed perspective and insight.  I'm profoundly familiar with suffering.  To be fair, I wouldn't wish what has happened to me over the course of the first 40 years of being on this planet on my worst enemy.  There's no treasure that could be offered me- even treasure in heaven, which thieves cannot steal and moths can't destroy- that would be worth reliving my life the way that it happened.  Not a chance.  And yet... because of what happened, I can empathize with people who have led difficult lives.  I can.  That, I have the grinding to thank for.  

It's interesting.  If you'd asked me how I'm different now that I've been through all this... I mean, there's levels of naivete that we live in, about how hard life can be.  Don't get me wrong, I still don't know what it would be like to grow up not having feet, or... possibly other nasty situations I can't imagine, but... I know what it's like for life to be hard.  I do.  And that gives perspective.  It ruins the naivete, which blinds us from seeing just how hard life can be.  My naivete is gone.  And for that I am grateful.  I paid a hard price for losing that naivete, but I hope someday to be able to say it was worth it.  Maybe someday I will be able to say it was worth it, but I'm not there yet.

2) I like my current situation and my current trajectory

Things are moving upward in my life.  Habits are improving.  My lifestyle is getting healthier.  I don't know what my life would have been like had I not gone psychotic... it's an impossible question to answer.  Maybe this shouldn't be part of the collateral beauty of what has happened to me... I'm not sure on that point.  However, I like a lot about where I'm at.  I like my best friend I have, someone I probably would never have met if it weren't for the psychotic break.  I might still be working at the job I was working at the time of the break, which... was a difficult situation.  I would never have met my current therapist, who is really helping me.  I may never have met my pastor friend, whom I have much respect for.  I mean... when you think about bad things that happen to you and the way your life went differently because of the bad things that happened, it helps to realize that some good- even if it doesn't seem as good as what would have come if you hadn't gone through what you went through- does come out of it.

3) Shallow people were removed from my life.

This one is hard, because I miss some of those folks.  However, if you can't handle someone you know having a psychotic break such that you welcome them back in your life after they get better, in my humble opinion, you are shallow.  I'm not saying it's easy... few things that are worthwhile are easy... but if you want to serve God in all righteousness you have to be prepared to accept that things done while someone is ill can largely be attributed to their illness and should be let go of.  It's hard, you know?  I know it's hard, because there is someone in the periphery of my life who bullied me while I was in the hospital, and now they act like nothing ever happened and don't even acknowledge how they treated me in the hospital... admittedly it would be easier if they'd just... at least acknowledge what happened and say "I'm sorry you had to go through that," even if that's not a real apology it would be something.  However, it's my job to take my words to heart and try harder to let go of what happened.  She was ill.  I may not understand it perfectly well- in my experience, my illness didn't cause me to be... mean to people.  I was annoying- I'm not taking anything away from that- but I wasn't mean.  Most of what happened was more like... out of control, inappropriate kindness.  But I don't know what mental illness does to other people, so... I've got to forgive, just like I'm hoping others will let go of how I acted when I was ill.  And yes, I maintain that the people who couldn't handle my out of control kindness are shallow, and in my humble opinion I'm better off without them in my life.

4) My confidence in God's providence has deepened

During my breaks, there were two specific situations where God delivered me.  In one situation it was winter-like- I think it was March but there was snow everywhere and it was very cold.  I was following what I believed to be God's voice... whether I was or not is not all that important for this tale, but just so you know I had tried to follow God's voice before to get somewhere and it never worked when I had a specific destination in mind.  And I was... ill.  I was in the middle of a psychotic break.  Anyhow, I drove over the pass (which was an adventure in it of itself- praise God I didn't get into an accident), on my way towards Bend.  I was nervous... it was really cold.  If the voice had directed me to keep going beyond Bend, I could have had problems.  Instead, the voice told me I would not go beyond Bend (Bend, Oregon), which did comfort me some.  At some point the voice directed me to turn off the highway.  After I did this, I followed what seemed to me to be a series of random driving instructions... "Turn left here.  Turn right here" and so on.  AND SOMEHOW, BY SOME MIRACLE, I got turned around.  How that happened is very unclear to me.  I was shocked when I saw the sign said "Corvallis, #so many miles".  How that worked out that way, I have no idea.  It was amazing.  But the next story is the one that really takes the cake.

In this situation... once again following The Voice's instructions.  My plan was to go to Portland.  The Voice had other plans.  I ended up in southern California.  The fact that God protected me during all this driving is reason alone to praise the God I serve... I'm going to be honest, I don't think I was the best driver on the road that day.  However, I made it down to southern California without any accidents or any speeding tickets, and for that I'm quite grateful.  I took I-5 down.  After I got down there and I followed certain specific instructions going north, I wound up in Death Valley.  I had almost no money, no food, almost out of water, I had no cell phone... if ever there was a situation where I found myself in the care of God alone, it was it.  There was nothing within sight of the car where I parked the car.  God told me to walk.  So I walked.  And God told me not to hitchhike.  This turned out to be key- had I hitchhiked, who knows what would have happened to me.  For one thing, I probably would never have seen my car again, or... it would have been very difficult to get my car back.  For another... I would have had real problems getting home.  Getting home?  Getting real sleep alone would have been hard.  Basic needs that we take for granted every day would have quickly become serious problems for me to have to take care of.  

It's at this point God showed some level of provision.  I came across a convenient store that just so happened to be open in this microscopic town in the middle of freakin' nowhere- it was about 1 AM at this time, so the fact it was open was kind of amazing- and silly me- unaware of just how dire my situation was, and still being VERY psychotic- I just buy a small amount of jerky using pretty much the last of my funds, and I keep walking.  After I walked a sum total of 5 miles from my car (at least, that's what I was told- I really have no idea how far I walked), a police car pulled up behind me and basically rescued me.  Very grateful that policeman came back for me- he just barely saw me as he was driving by, and made a U-turn up ahead (the road was split between northbound and southbound, so turning around took some time- I didn't see him U-turn), drove back, made another U-turn, and came up behind me.  I was still very manic and psychotic, but it worked out.  Also, when I found out my dad was coming down to pick me up, I freaked- if it wasn't by some chance that I talked to a specific police officer, I don't know what exactly would have become of me.  It would have been more difficult for me to get home.  Grateful it worked out, me running into that officer and him being willing to help. 

Bottom line- I've learned that God can be trusted.  I KIND OF knew that before all this, but now I REALLY know that.  I know that I know that I know that God can be trusted.  Never would have gotten that without what has happened, and for that I'm grateful.

My prayer for all the readers who are here to look back on the difficulties of their lives and think on the collateral beauty of their situation.  I promise, it's there.  It may not seem to have been worth it- surely there are days when I wish I could go back in time and change how my life went- but I promise you it is there.  You just have to look for it.