There are two times during a year when I think more deeply about my history so far and my future to come. One is my birthday, and the other... is the week before the new year.
I'll be frank. My life has most definitely NOT gone according to plan. If my life had gone according to plan, I would have been married years ago. YEARS AGO. I'd already have a kid or more. I'd have had a successful career, and I'd either be on to my second career or still enjoying my first career. Life could have been so much different. It didn't go that way, so here I am.
I could not have asked for a much more difficult first forty years of my life. My life so far has been nasty and brutal. I'm not sure it pays to describe just how nasty my life has been- I'm not making this post to get you to feel sorry for me. What I am saying though, is that something profound has happened to me because of all the sheer misery I've experienced. I've become circumspect. I understand just how bad things can get. I get that I need to appreciate my life now, which is qualitatively a thousand times better than it's been so far. I need to respect the fact that even though my life is far from what I had always hoped for myself, that it still could be much worse than it is right now.
I don't know what to say about my past. God forbid that I ever have to go through anything anywhere near as brutal as what my life has brought so far. What I can say is that I have hope. Where that hope comes from... I believe it comes from my faith. Anyhow, my hope is that things will get better. I realize that scripturally, I should maintain the attitude that regardless of whether things get better or things get worse that I should continually praise God and continue to maintain a positive attitude. I'm struggling with that. If even just the status quo continues to be the status quo for the next five to ten years, I've already told God that I don't want to live anymore. Things have to get better. I never wished to be single all this time. I don't even know what to say about that. I know that contentment is something highly touted in scripture. I think that's easier to say for people who do have a romantic relationship in their life that they are happy about. Those of us who do not, or worse have a romantic relationship that they are profoundly sad about- we don't get that. So I must remind myself that there are worse things than being single. But that doesn't help me feel better. I don't even know what to say about that.
I'm not sure how to talk about the future in hopeful terms. I have talked about the future in hopeful terms and been disappointed. I've hoped and hoped and hoped, and have never seen my hopes fulfilled. I'm convinced things will continue to get better- or better said, I'm HALF convinced. The other half is filled with dread that the status quo will continue indefinitely. I can't say anything about that. I had no idea going into first grade that the life that was going to ensue was going to be this way. I had no idea my peers were going to be so mean and nasty to me. I had no idea I was going to join a church that was cultlike and where I would be somewhat ostracized for not being like everyone else, and where the pastor was abusive. I had no idea I was only in the beginnings of mental illness issues that would plague me for the foreseeable future. I didn't know. I could go on. I just didn't know that my life was going to be this hard. I'm just grateful that I now have a therapist that empathizes with me, something that was sadly lacking in my other therapists.
I wish I knew exactly what to say about my past. Forgive me for kind of breaking my promise not to write about how hard my life has been. Trust me when I tell you that I left out A LOT of the more brutal aspects of my history. I believe if I told my whole story here, you'd weep for me. You'd weep that someone went through so much. You'd wonder why God would allow so much hellishness to happen to a single person. And you'd feel sorry for me, something I didn't want you to do. I can say though... as bad as my history has been... I'm aware that I BELIEVE God has better things to come. And I need to hang on to that thought, or I'll go mad (again).
No comments:
Post a Comment