Grieving

I should grieve.

No, I haven't lost a love one.  I lost my life.

It's true, I didn't commit suicide.  But I lost everything that mattered to me.  My sense of control over how things go, multiple friends, my job, the place I lived... I lost it all.  How did I lose all this you ask?  I went insane.

You know... it should be a simple thing to grieve losing so much.  However, there is no funeral when you lose your life like I did.  There are no cards that say "Sorry for your loss." in reference to losing one's life from having a break from reality.  There is nothing.  I'm just left to try to put my life back together, and I don't know how.

I realize this isn't a feel-good post.  I wish I knew what to tell myself.  "It will get easier."  Well, I suppose that's true, but for the past 12 years I've been somewhat in denial of how much was lost.  You know, before the hospitalization I was friends with a guy I'll call Jim.  That's not his real name, but that's what I'll call him here.  Anyhow, Jim and I were really close.  We were best friends.  Then mental illness hit.  He wouldn't talk to me or have anything to do with me.  My theory is his then girlfriend, who I hear he eventually married, didn't want to be associated with anybody who... "wasn't well."  You know, that really bites.  I lost one of my closest friends because of this illness.  The other stuff I lost was hard, but that was the hardest.

For the past two years and 2.5 months, I've been doing well.  Before that, it was constantly shifting medication, and two trips to the hospital.  Only now I'm realizing I need to grieve.  I don't know how!  I don't know how to let go of my failed existence!  You know, in a very real sense I lost my life because of my obsession with doing what God says.  I hope that that verse "those that lose their life for my sake will find it."  I'd like to find my life again.  In the meantime I would be doing well to grieve the losses I experienced.  It's just so hard...