Being a Giant

 Everybody chooses what kind of person they are going to be.  Are they going to be willing to make a stand when it counts?  Or are they going to be pushed over?

I think... in life we have to decide what kind of people we are going to be.  There will be situations where we have to make a choice about whether we are going to make a stand.  Sometimes it pays to let things go, but if that is our defining characteristic- that we never make a stand even when it's something worth making a stand for, then we will never get anywhere.  How can you tell the difference?  You need to look at the big picture.  How will making a stand here, or letting this go, affect the kind of person I become?  Is making a stand here going to have a significant role in where I end up?  

I remember a situation, where I was kind of screwed over by the court system of Idaho.  I sent the letter about the ticket, including money for the fine, in a timely manner.  They conveniently misplaced it, and didn't "find" it until I called them about the letter they had sent me about the fact that, according to them, I didn't pay their fine.  They didn't offer to send the letter to the judge or offer to help me.  Now in hindsight, part of me regrets not forcing the issue.  I do have to remember though- as annoying as how it worked out was, the truth is I probably was only going to get $20-$30 back from my fine.  Would that have been worth the fight?  That's hard to say.  I admit it- rather than press them about the crap they were feeding me about how they didn't receive the letter in a timely manner, I just let it go.  And truthfully, I can honestly say there wasn't much at stake there.  That probably wouldn't have been worth the fight.

On the other hand, right now I'm in a fight to get my therapeutic needs met.  The agency I'm working with is trying to tell me I can't see an outside therapist, when the therapist they set me up with was useless.  I think, in this scenario, it is ABSOLUTELY worth the fight, because it is my own mental health that is at stake.  I'm going to fight tooth and nail to get the therapy that I actually need.  I can see that the treasure on the other side of me getting this need met is no small thing and I've got to get this need met.  Can you see the difference?  It's the size and scope of the treasure.  If you can evaluate the end result, you can make an effective decision about whether something is worth fighting for.  If something is worth fighting for though, if you don't fight for it, you are no giant.  You are a coward.  But if you fight for the things that matter, then you can be a giant, which I would hope everyone would aspire to.  Whatever you want in life, you should fight for making your needs get met and for becoming the type of person that people will really be grateful to have around.  Be a giant.  Stand for what is right.  Don't let others push you around when it comes to principles and things that are really important.  Let go of the unimportant things.  Be a giant.

Imagine Being In Someone Else's Shoes

 I think... our culture teaches us to judge others more than try to put ourselves in their shoes.  Sometimes it pays to use a little imagination.  I have an example.

I was on Twitter, and I saw that some woman was complaining bitterly about child sex dolls.  Now am I a fan of child sex dolls?  NO.  Am I glad they exist?  Well, as I'm about to explain, I have decidedly mixed feelings about them.  Anyhow, this person was under the impression that people use child sex dolls as a like a... 'gateway drug" to pedophilia.  Me, I have a hard time imagining a teenage boy with sexual feelings purchasing a child sex doll because they want to see what it's like being a pedophile.  I'm pretty sure very few, if any, child sex predators are born this way.  More likely though, I see a guy who has already gone to prison for sex crimes against minors thinking "I don't want this to happen again.  How do I make sure I never have sex with a minor again?"  And then the lightbulb goes off- what if they had sex with a doll instead?  And then they go and buy a doll, and then when they have the craving for this horrible thing, rather than having sex with a child, which would be horrible, instead they have sex with a doll.  Is this good?  No.  But is it better than the criminal attacking a child?  Decidedly yes!  

When we are thinking about subjects like this, I think we need to try to put ourselves in other's shoes.  I think we're so focused on what something looks like that we forget what it is.  We think a convicted sex offender buying a doll off the internet is horrible, except it prevents actual sex crimes, which would be much worse.  We are worried about teenage girls having abortions, but it prevents teenage girls from raising children that add to the criminal population.  We care about what it looks like, more than what a thing actually is.  I think... we as Christians ought to learn to see the world through other's lenses and really try to put ourselves in other's shoes, or we'll make laws that are unjust and treat people as subhuman.  That was never Jesus's way.  Jesus cared about people where they were at, and tried to work with what people struggled with.  We need to be the same way. 

Favorite Basketball Player

 I realize that this might seem like an odd topic for Christian blog, but... I was watching an interview of Kevin Hart and realized that I'm not sure I have a favorite basketball player.  I think, for me the bar is too high of what I consider respectable.  Let me continue.

Now, Kevin said in his interview "Michael Jordan is my favorite player."  That's great, as far as it goes.  The thing is, for me, if I know anything about a person, their character is at least as important as their ability to perform.  Michael Jordan... he... he's not really cool about how he treats other people.  I watched "The Last Dance," and I learned from that that Jordan was easily offended, and his favorite way to channel that anger was by destroying and humiliating his opponents.  That kind of anger...  he has an unhealthy obsession with destroying anyone that offends him.  Sure, he did it on the court.  But I can't respect someone like that.  He wasn't fun to be around when he was on your team at practice, either.  You are only as good as you treat the people around you.  If you treat the people around you like shit, even if it "works," it's not cool.  I could never look up to someone like that.  That's not a model I want for anyone.  The "win at all costs" model of life stinks.  I can't call Michael Jordan my favorite basketball player, because he sucks as a human being.

So who then?  I've thought about Magic Johnson.  He played for my favorite team, the Lakers.  I think Magic is alright.  Is he my favorite though?  That's hard.  I THINK Magic had sex with women when he was on the road, and while he may not have been married to Cookie at that time, he was in a long term relationship with her.  I don't know.  Maybe my bar is too high for favorite player.  I know I enjoy interviews of Magic, and I know Magic is a classier guy than Michael Jordan.  Maybe it seems a bit unrealistic for me to expect my favorite basketball player to be chaste while in a long-term relationship, but to me... being faithful to the woman you love is like the minimum requirement to being a decent human being.  I want the minimum.  I'm not sure Magic qualifies.

I could pick Kobe.  Kobe was actually caught cheating, and had to admit to it to the press.  The sad part is, I HOPE that it wasn't a rape too- but enough garbage has been thrown at Kobe over what happened in Colorado.  Kobe has gone to meet his maker, and I really hope that meeting went well.  I do have a lot of respect for how hard Kobe worked on his basketball game, and I think Kobe honestly tried to be a man of integrity.  Kobe was intense, but I didn't sense in him quite the degree of ruthlessness that you saw in Michael Jordan.  Honestly though.  When I say I want a FAVORITE basketball player, I want someone I can really respect- someone who not only was a good player and a hard worker, but conducted their personal life beyond reproach and genuinely cared about the needs of others and really was righteous.  Maybe my bar is too high, but... I'm not sure I want Kobe as my favorite player either.  

I have thought of a player that might fit the bill.  AC Green.  AC Green actually has several things going for him- he is a serious Christian who was involved in a church I used to attend.  He even played at Oregon State, my alma mater, and was a Laker.  He stayed a virgin throughout his playing days, so that's commendable.  I haven't seen any interviews of AC to really know what to think.  For some reason, I think he's too easy a pick.  Maybe I should pick him.  I just... I want someone to be my favorite basketball player who I could consider a real-life hero.  Maybe that bar is too high.  I think I want too much.  I want to see a player that is good because they work hard, like Kobe, but also conduct their personal life beyond reproach and really are an awesome person.  Maybe I just can't handle having a favorite basketball player.  We have too few genuine heroes in life I think.  Hopefully, some day, someone will step up and be truly awesome in every way.  Maybe it's too much to ask, but here's hoping.

Existential Threat

I try to be very circumspect in this space.  I try to see other perspectives and to not be an alarmist or someone who is not sensitive to people's feelings.  I'm not out to make people angry here- I'm trying to get people to think, to consider ideas that maybe at first they disagree with... trying to get people to ponder other ways of considering things.  I try to draw people closer to God.  I care about how people think, what people's attitudes are, and where life goes from here for people.  I really do want to sound calm and rational when I write here, and I want others to take me seriously.  At this moment, I'm contemplating saying things that might sound like... like I am an alarmist, or that I am hysterical for no good reason.  I see Trump as an existential threat to our democracy, and I'm not apologizing for seeing him that way. 

I wish I could see this another way.  I watched the documentary #UNFIT, and that makes it clear that Trump is a malignant narcissist- the same disorder that Hitler had.  Now every mental disorder has a spectrum, and I'm not saying Trump is as bad as Hitler- but he does have the same mental disorder.  Trump keeps saying that he has no intention of accepting defeat if he loses.  He says he's not going to allow a peaceful transfer of power, something both Democrats and Republicans should want.  If you think I'm making this up, Google it.  I would normally put a link here to it, but right now politics is taking a severe toll on my mental health, and I need to stay away from the news for awhile.  However, if you don't believe me, you should definitely go see for yourself.

I'm going to admit something to you today.  I'm angry.  I realize some people in my audience may in fact be people who fall in this category, but I've decided that saying what needs to be said is too important to let this slide.  I'm angry at Trump voters for not seeing the existential threat that Trump is and actually voting for Trump.  I can't understand that.  I also know multiple people who aren't voting for Trump or Biden, for various reasons- and I'm going to be frank, I'm angry at them.  I'm angry at them, because Biden is not going to be a bad president if elected.  Not only will you know that he'll step down in four or eight years (I think he verbally committed to only serving one term, but I'm not sure), whenever he either loses or his two terms are up, but... he cares about people.  He has genuine empathy.  Biden is not bad.  It's true that his way of dealing with the abortion issue rubs pro-life people the wrong way- they purely want abortion made illegal, and they don't care for Biden's more nuanced and more compassionate approach to the subject.  That's no excuse.  If it was a normal Republican president, I wouldn't mind someone telling me that they couldn't vote for Biden.  I wouldn't.  This is not a normal Republican president- this is someone who is publicly stating he has no intention of accepting the election result if it goes against him.  This is someone who wants to be a dictator at any cost.  We could either lose the power to vote, or our votes could become meaningless, if Trump can just win regardless of who wins the actual election.  I think this matters.  I think people that can't see the threat that Trump poses to our country are blind- I think they are willfully turning a blind eye on Trump's evil like how he's behaving is just bad and not horrific. 

We can't sit idly by in this situation.  We have to at least try to vote Trump out.  We do have a very serious problem if Trump wins because the Supreme Court hands him the election in spite of the Electoral College not voting his way.  I can't understate how serious this situation is.  Trump must be defeated.  Our very democracy likely hangs in the balance.  Trump is already talking about winning a third term, when he hasn't even won a second term AND the constitution PROHIBITS serving three terms as president.  So he wants to ignore the constitution.  How can you see that and not say "Trump needs to be stopped at any cost?"  I just don't see it.  Trump is an existential threat to our democracy and way of life.  He must be stopped.

Abortion, and Empathy

I don't believe the myth that people can't change their minds at all on this issue. Why? Because I changed my mind on this issue.

I used to be essentially what our country calls "Pro-Life". I was. It wasn't the only issue I considered, but it was my perspective that the government should make abortion illegal. That was my point of view. So if you are reading this, and you view yourself as against abortion being legal, well- I might understand where you are coming from, at least a bit. I just... I'm not sure that the government should outlaw this practice. I would appreciate it, if you disagree with me, if you'd hang in there and hear me out. I've thought about this subject a lot. I truly have. And I hope you are willing to give me a chance to make my case for why... at the very least, you shouldn't just vote Republican purely because you are against abortion.

I think Christians should be the kings of empathy. I think they should. We should be able to put ourselves in another's shoes and say "How would I feel if I was in this predicament?" The "Pro-Life" issue is one where I don't really believe that Christians exhibit empathy. Oh sure, they care a lot about the unborn child. But do they care about the woman who is in that predicament? Do they care about the fact that the guy refused to wear a condom, or the condom broke, or whatever the reason was why the birth control failed? I think it's kind of assumed that "if a woman has sex and gets pregnant, the consequence for that action should be to be pregnant for nine months and then raise a child for 18 years... because of course that makes sense." Really? It's interesting that people automatically assume that adoption is an easy option. Is it? I have a feeling it is not, considering that many teens prefer to have an abortion to giving up a baby for adoption.

What are the male consequences in this situation? I have to believe there was a man around at the time of conception. Where is he? There are all sorts of things going on in this situation. Why is the woman supposed to be punished by raising an unwanted child when it's not exactly entirely her fault that she got pregnant? What's really fascinating, is that clearly men are more interested in sex than women, and I think most of the time it's men in relationships that are pushing to have sex as soon as possible, whereas it's women who get pregnant, and have to figure out what to do once they actually are pregnant. If I wasn't a Christian, and I was a woman, and I had sex with a man who pressured me into sex without a condom, and I got pregnant, and the guy told me he had no intention of helping me raise the child... I would consider abortion a valid option. I see this. We have to try to put ourselves in someone else's shoes.

It's easy to tell someone "Don't have sex if you don't want to get pregnant." That's easy to say on the outside. What about the girl whose boyfriend threatens to leave if she doesn't sleep with him? Why is this supposed to be an easy situation? It's just... men are generally the ones pushing for sex. As a man, I should try to see the world from a woman's perspective and understand that the whole situation sucks for them. Everything about this sucks. If she keeps the child, well... the people who are pushing her not to have an abortion are often nowhere to be seen once the child comes. People want to legislate the issue, but not actually help women who are in this predicament. It does not seem Christ-like to me to work hard to pass laws against abortion, without lifting a finger to invest in womens' lives and help women who feel they have no good options.

This empathy issue is a huge issue among Christians. For some reason, we are not known for looking at the world through others' perspectives. We don't care about what it's like to be an unwed woman who just found out she's pregnant. We don't care about what the world is like for an African-American who sees the police as an enemy to be careful around, because the police might kill them even if they didn't do anything wrong. There seem to be a lot of these issues where White Christians just don't care to see the world through another's eyes. I'm telling you, abortion is not the clearcut issue you think it is. I'm sure there are some women who get an abortion who don't think much of the decision, but I have enough faith in humanity to believe they are in the minority.

No one is excited about getting an abortion. It always means that something went horribly wrong and the girl in question doesn't see herself as having options. Where are the Christians in that scenario? Probably outside the abortion clinic. Is that really where they need to be? Wouldn't it be better if they were involved in the girl's life, trying to help her? If we were busy being salt and light, maybe fewer abortions would take place in this country. Instead we're busy telling young women they are evil if they choose an out that to them makes perfect sense. It just... it doesn't feel like Jesus's perspective that we should be focused on legislating an issue that is a symptom of the fact that men want sex but don't want to take responsibility for the consequences of the sex they have.

I would say men are probably responsible for... I'm guessing 70% of abortions. Yes, I'm pulling that number out of my ass, but think about it- the reason most girls have an abortion is because the man who slept with her has told her he wants no part in the baby. And everything I see and know about men and women indicates that men are far more interested in sex than women are. Is it always true? Probably not. But it is often true. Men want sex, but women deal with the consequences of the sex. For some reason, as a man, it doesn't seem right to me for me to be voting for Republicans to make abortion illegal when I haven't the first clue what it feels like to be pregnant and alone. I don't know what that feels like. What we do as Christians in dealing with this issue says a lot about how well we can see the world through another's perspective. I hope on Judgment Day God will look at me and say "Thanks for trying to see the world through other's eyes and for trying to help others do the same." We need to try to be in another's shoes, more than we invest in trying to tell them what to do should they find themselves in the horrible position of having an unwanted pregnancy in their belly. I just... we have to try to help people more than just make what they want to do illegal. Somehow, we need to get out of their faces and into their shoes. We have to try.

Be Careful How You Look At Others

I was on CNN, and I saw this article: https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/02/asia/khmer-rouge-duch-cambodia-death-intl-hnk/index.html I was happy. I said "Judgment is coming for someone evil." I was not just happy, I was angry-happy. I thought an evil person had just received his comeuppance. I was wrong.

Please don't misunderstand me. What the man did in his time as "Comrade Duch" for Khmer Rouge is beyond despicable. No question he more than screwed up. And I don't know the guy, so I don't know what he was like later in life. What I do know is that according to the article above, he became a born-again Christian towards the end of his life, and he apologized to his victims and begged for forgiveness. That... that changes things. I actually had to apologize to God for speaking ill of one of his kids. I'm sure there are many people on earth that are still angry at him- and rightfully so. But I must remember that the God I serve is a merciful God, who longs for all to come to repentance. Don't get me wrong, I doubt that this man has any treasure at all where he is going. He's going to be a poor man for all eternity- at least in all likelihood. However, assuming his repentance is legit (I assume so), he will find grace and mercy with God. Unless God offers grace and mercy for the worst of us, I see no hope for any of us. We all need to fall on the mercy seat and remember that God is abounding in grace and mercy.

I am grateful today that The God I serve offers to adopt any of us that choose to be adopted by him. He wants all of us to be his kids. The story of Comrade Duch is a story of redemption. May we all be redeemed a little, thinking about how gracious and kind our God is.

Tone Deaf

I just watched a sermon on YouTube from a church I used to attend... and I'm heavily debating whether to post the link to it... and what I'm surprised about the sermon I just watched is how out of touch with the struggle African-Americans are going through. You ever watch a sermon and go "You know, that... that really doesn't help."? That's what happened to me. You know what? We as White American Christians cannot look at what happened to George Floyd and what happened in the riots and say "These are both evil." That's a load of crap! Can't we empathize with our African-American brothers and sisters? Can't we at least try to understand where all the anger is coming from? And if we got honest, it's not really about one African-American man being executed by the police. The real problem is that this sort of thing has happened many times and just keeps happening. We as the White Christian community in the United States need to be able to not come across as tone deaf. You know what? If White Americans were regularly dying in police custody, I bet that the sermon this person gave would have been radically different. We White people really have very little understanding of what it means to be in a constant, low-level amount of danger from the police. I'll admit, I can relate a little. Over the course of my life I've been pulled over by the police many times for low-level infractions. Either I didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign, or I didn't turn my turn signal on to return to the right lane (I was in the lane of oncoming traffic, so... I think it was a foregone conclusion that I was returning to the lane I was in, but... whatever) or I was speeding... the police have pulled me over many times over the course of my life, and I've come to hate the police because of it. However, I have NEVER felt like my life was in danger. I never felt that one wrong move and I could get killed. Don't get me wrong, I always took getting pulled over seriously, and I always endeavored to do what the officer said, but I never thought in the back of my mind "you know, if I say the wrong thing it could get me killed." See, that's where I can't understand the plight of the African American.

We need to get something straight. There's a reason why the protests happened. And while some of the rioting and looting is actually done by White Supremacists, trying to make Black people look bad, I'm fairly confident some of the rioting and looting is caused by angry African Americans. We got to understand something. We don't know jack about what it's like to live in this country in true fear of dying to the police. We don't know! We, as white people, have to at least try to empathize with what is going on in our country. You know, we can't really relate to the kind of frustration that Black people feel about life in this country. Our failure to empathize with the Black community does not help in bridging the divide between us and African-Americans. We've got to do better. We've got to try to understand what our Black brothers and sisters are going through. And for all the tone deaf sermons that happened this Sunday, I'm sorry... I wish I could get it through everyone's head that there is no moral equivalence between what happened when a police officer executed a man who had not been convicted of any crime and the riots that happened afterwards. We White American Christians can do better. We at least have to try. To my Black Christian brothers and sisters, I'm sorry about what happened to George Floyd, and all the other African-Americans killed in police custody and elsewhere for no apparent reason except that they were Black in the wrong place at the wrong time. I hope, that the police get better at screening applicants for White Supremacy, in the hopes that White Supremacists will no longer get hired by the police. And may God grant you the ability to help us White Christians better understand your plight.

Looking For Direction

I realize that in my last post, I was lost there too... Hopefully writing this post will help me find my way.

It has been almost an entire year since I got out of the hospital. Since I got out, I've maintained an exercise routine, I've worked at having a nightly routine around going to sleep, and I tried to find success in a chess tournament. While the tournament did not work out as I hoped, I would say that I am healthier now than I was one year ago. As I think about it, it depends on what metric you are looking at. Mentally, I'm clearly better than I was a year ago. A year ago on this day, I was still somewhat ill. I think... around a year ago today was about when I found out the hospital was going to release me, because I found out about two weeks before I was released. So... I was good enough at that time to be released from the hospital, but I would add that I still had more weird thinking in my head at that time than I do now.

Now... physically I'm not sure I'm better now than I was a year ago. My scale has taken to insulting me the last several times I stepped on it. When I left the hospital, I was about 230 lbs. Right now, I'm roughly 240 lbs. Why this is is a mystery. People keep telling me "muscle weighs more than fat." Of course, I don't think my diet now is quite as good as it was in the hospital. However, my exercise routine is pretty intense these days. I tread water for an hour, including three minutes of treading water with my arms extended up, 27 more minutes treading water with just my legs, 12 minutes treading water with just my arms (this number is escalating- tomorrow I'm going to attempt to tread water with just my arms for 13 minutes, then on Monday 14 minutes, then Wednesday 15 minutes, etc. until I reach 30 minutes) then the rest of the hour until five minutes remain I take it easy and tread water with both my arms and legs, and then the last five minutes I tread water with my arms extended up. If you are curious how difficult this workout is, I challenge you the reader to try doing it. I think you'll find the hardest parts are treading water with your arms extended up, and treading water with just your arms. After doing this intense workout, I go to a park and take a walk for thirty minutes. On the weekdays I'm not doing this workout, I go for long walks. Exercise-wise, I'm in a good place. I just wish the scale would stop insulting me.

It's interesting that I'm basically back where I was a year ago, as far as having purpose. I need to take some time and try to figure out where I'm going. Am I going to write? If so, what am I going to write? Am I going to play in chess tournaments? If so, how am I going to finance them, and what is the best way to prepare for them? I don't know what to do at this point. I need to think about it. It's hard because I have too many options. I'll figure it out. Somehow, God is going to make clear to me what the path forward is. I just need to trust that God will provide for me a way out of the haze. When we have real need, God provides. I have a real need now. Surely God will help me figure out how to proceed. In the meantime, I've just got to keep working at taking care of myself the best that I can.