When I think about the subject of anger, there is a scene in one of my favorite movies that comes to mind. It is a scene in the movie "3:10 to Yuma," and for those of you who haven't seen the movie, Ben Wade is a dangerous outlaw, and Dan Evans is a crippled rancher with a lot of integrity. Anyhow, there is another character in this movie, a guy who much earlier on had burned Dan's barn to the ground. This same guy made the mistake of tormenting Ben Wade while they were taking Ben to the town where he'd be picked up and taken by train to prison, and Ben killed him while he was sleeping. Dan and Ben later have a conversation, and Dan makes what I consider to be a profound remark. "But wishing him dead and killing him are two different things." I say this because I know I would never physically hurt or kill anyone, that is outside of who I am, but I'll be darned if I'm not amazingly pissed off at certain people and wish they were dead. It's a fine line really. What do you do with that kind of anger? I really don't know. It's a toxic emotion for sure. Bitterness, rage, anger, frustration, pissed off... I'm angry at too many people. Too many people I'm frustrated with. It is a feeling... a feeling that can be hard to handle. There is one person in my life, that I have to see about once a month, who if they died tomorrow, I'd probably celebrate. I'm serious. This person... is a piece of work. They piss me off just about every time I see them. I'm just glad I don't have to see them any more often than I do, because I'm pretty sure I couldn't stand to be around them anymore than I already am. There are others... I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be in the same room with them again. I'm angry. I'm angry about people trying to fix me, I'm angry about people who have all the tact of a porcupine, I'm angry about people judging me and jumping to conclusions they have no business coming to, people who don't know me and assume to know why I've done what I've done. I'm angry. I know, that I used to write about answers to things people struggle with, but these days, I don't have answers. I just have anger. And the characters I relate to the most in television and movies these days, are the broken ones, whose lives have come unhinged. My life is definitely unhinged. I just wish I knew how to deal with all this anger.
Sincerely,
Sean
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Relating to a Villain
One of my favorite shows, Heroes, has a character in it named Gabriel, AKA Sylar. Through most of the seasons, this character was the main villain, although villiany in that show is spread around a bit and characters are more complex. When I first started watching the show, the character I liked the most was Peter, who basically always did the right thing. The truth is, though, nobody is really like Peter, or very few. We all mean well- well, most of us anyways, but few of us really follow our conscience as we should. In season one, it did seem for the most part, that Sylar had no conscience. Over time, however, it became apparent that he was complicated. It also is revealed that he wasn't solely responsible for his becoming a killer, that he had a little bit of help on that end. Also, in one timeline in the show, Sylar completely reformed himself. There were scenes, too, where Gabriel did the right thing, against his normal nature. The truth is, he was complex, as far as villains go. Most villains of television or movies are pretty flat. Gabriel, though... he's been complex for awhile, and the most recent season ends with him saving the day. How his transformation happened, he spent what felt to him like five years in a dreamlike state, alone for the first two years and then with Peter the last three years. I've known for awhile, though, that he was capable of good. I was cheering him on. I was always hoping he'd make the right call. Somehow, he was the character I cared about the most. It's weird how that happened, how I became attached to a serial killer. Perhaps because the show creators showed multiple facets of who he is, and gave a more complete picture of his history, how he got that way. We all have stories, there are always reasons why we do what we do. Everybody is complicated in one way or another. Maybe I related to Gabriel because he was understandable, I don't know. CS Lewis talks about how people who are great towards evil are also capable of being great towards good, that it is the people in the middle who have no real strength are the people also incapable of being a significant hero; I think that has something to do with intensity of purpose. At some point in watching Heroes I became convinced that Gabriel was worth saving, and that made his conversion all the more meaningful when it happened.
I know there are people in our lives that have hurt us and caused us pain. My hope, for me and for others, is that we would try to see the humanity in all of us. No matter how evil the villain, there's always a story of how they got that way- I'm not saying that their story justifies their actions, but it might help to ease the bitterness and the pain. Forgiveness only comes through understanding, and forgiveness is really for ourselves and not them.
Sincerely,
Sean
I know there are people in our lives that have hurt us and caused us pain. My hope, for me and for others, is that we would try to see the humanity in all of us. No matter how evil the villain, there's always a story of how they got that way- I'm not saying that their story justifies their actions, but it might help to ease the bitterness and the pain. Forgiveness only comes through understanding, and forgiveness is really for ourselves and not them.
Sincerely,
Sean
Songs that Mean Something to Me
For some reason, there are a few songs that speak to me where I'm at right now, and I feel inclined, for reasons that I don't fully comprehend, to share them. It is weird for me, that the songs that I think about most, and have the most meaning to me at this time, are songs that are, as best as I can tell, very secular. I wish I understood better the connection between me and these songs, but I guess it has to do with a sense that I am somehow understood by them. Okay, so here goes.
The first song is Paul Simon's "The Obvious Child." You can watch the video here. I think what I connect with in this song most is the apparent frustration being aired here. I can relate to that frustration, that disappointment with how things have gone, that anger. I also sense some sadness in the song. Since I'm mourning all that I've lost due to my bout with insanity, I can very easily relate to these emotions- I feel the same way. I do resent how certain people have treated me, that certain people have been dishonest with me because they felt I couldn't handle the truth, and that resentment resonates with that song. The chorus "I don't expect to be treated like a fool no more, I don't expect to sleep through the night Some people say a lie is just a lie But I say the cross is in the ballpark Why deny the obvious child?" really hits that hard. It is funny how music connects us to feelings we may not even know how to otherwise articulate. I feel this song expresses my feelings better than I could otherwise express.
Another song that speaks to me is "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen, which can be found here. This song expresses some frustrations that I really connect well with. "There's a joke, it's wild, and it's on me." is a sentiment I can connect with very easily enough. And I definitely feel like I'm dancing in the dark- I feel this phrase is about uncertainty, not sure where life is going, some confusion, yeah there really a range of emotions in this song I can relate to. What I find ironic, is the most popular youtube video for this song, found here, it may sound more like the original cut of the song, but the facial expressions during the song don't match up nearly as well to the emotions of the song. It's like there was a disconnection between himself and the emotions of the song while he was singing it. I like the version I first linked better, even though it goes unnecessarily long at the end, because the facial expressions he made while singing the song lined up better with the emotions of the song.
There is one other song that I relate with, and happily enough the author, who is a believer, his faith is integral to the song, yet it too relates to the sadness and frustration I currently feel. I'm talking about Rich Mullin's "Hold Me Jesus," which can be found here. Sadly, I couldn't find a live video of him just playing this song, which is too bad. One of the coolest things about Rich Mullins is that he never sugar-coated the life of faith in his music. His music often has emotions in it that relate to the harsher realities that the life of faith experiences, which means a lot to me, because that is where I've been my whole life. Nothing has been easy for me. Right now, I feel like I'm in some dark cave that no one quite understands, and few know how to relate to me where I'm at. It is weird, to go from a place of confident knowing, to a state of lostness that I don't know how to describe. I wish I had answers about why what happened happened, but I don't. I really don't know anything, but I do believe that I am loved by God, whatever that means. I may not understand it, and I may reject it some days, but I still believe it is there. I wish putting my life together was a lot easier than it is, but it just isn't. There ought to be answers, but none that I've found. What I find sadest of all, is that even though I am basically myself now (minus the joy and spiritual confidence), people are still avoiding me or even scared of me. I guess you can't do your best immitation of the Tasmanion Devil from Loony Tunes and then expect things to be normal four months later, but that doesn't make things any easier now. Oh well.
I hope this post helps someone. I don't know that I'm necessarily trying to help anyone; hell, I don't even know how to help myself. Nevertheless, maybe someone else will connect with it. Who knows. I've never felt so undone before in my whole life, and if you are in a crisis of epic proportions that is over your head, well, at least you know I have some idea what you might feel like.
Sincerely,
Sean
The first song is Paul Simon's "The Obvious Child." You can watch the video here. I think what I connect with in this song most is the apparent frustration being aired here. I can relate to that frustration, that disappointment with how things have gone, that anger. I also sense some sadness in the song. Since I'm mourning all that I've lost due to my bout with insanity, I can very easily relate to these emotions- I feel the same way. I do resent how certain people have treated me, that certain people have been dishonest with me because they felt I couldn't handle the truth, and that resentment resonates with that song. The chorus "I don't expect to be treated like a fool no more, I don't expect to sleep through the night Some people say a lie is just a lie But I say the cross is in the ballpark Why deny the obvious child?" really hits that hard. It is funny how music connects us to feelings we may not even know how to otherwise articulate. I feel this song expresses my feelings better than I could otherwise express.
Another song that speaks to me is "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen, which can be found here. This song expresses some frustrations that I really connect well with. "There's a joke, it's wild, and it's on me." is a sentiment I can connect with very easily enough. And I definitely feel like I'm dancing in the dark- I feel this phrase is about uncertainty, not sure where life is going, some confusion, yeah there really a range of emotions in this song I can relate to. What I find ironic, is the most popular youtube video for this song, found here, it may sound more like the original cut of the song, but the facial expressions during the song don't match up nearly as well to the emotions of the song. It's like there was a disconnection between himself and the emotions of the song while he was singing it. I like the version I first linked better, even though it goes unnecessarily long at the end, because the facial expressions he made while singing the song lined up better with the emotions of the song.
There is one other song that I relate with, and happily enough the author, who is a believer, his faith is integral to the song, yet it too relates to the sadness and frustration I currently feel. I'm talking about Rich Mullin's "Hold Me Jesus," which can be found here. Sadly, I couldn't find a live video of him just playing this song, which is too bad. One of the coolest things about Rich Mullins is that he never sugar-coated the life of faith in his music. His music often has emotions in it that relate to the harsher realities that the life of faith experiences, which means a lot to me, because that is where I've been my whole life. Nothing has been easy for me. Right now, I feel like I'm in some dark cave that no one quite understands, and few know how to relate to me where I'm at. It is weird, to go from a place of confident knowing, to a state of lostness that I don't know how to describe. I wish I had answers about why what happened happened, but I don't. I really don't know anything, but I do believe that I am loved by God, whatever that means. I may not understand it, and I may reject it some days, but I still believe it is there. I wish putting my life together was a lot easier than it is, but it just isn't. There ought to be answers, but none that I've found. What I find sadest of all, is that even though I am basically myself now (minus the joy and spiritual confidence), people are still avoiding me or even scared of me. I guess you can't do your best immitation of the Tasmanion Devil from Loony Tunes and then expect things to be normal four months later, but that doesn't make things any easier now. Oh well.
I hope this post helps someone. I don't know that I'm necessarily trying to help anyone; hell, I don't even know how to help myself. Nevertheless, maybe someone else will connect with it. Who knows. I've never felt so undone before in my whole life, and if you are in a crisis of epic proportions that is over your head, well, at least you know I have some idea what you might feel like.
Sincerely,
Sean
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