I want to write about my current state of mind. I'll be honest here; I don't know my exact motivation for writing about this, but I do feel that very few people who feel depressed write about it, so I thought I might share where I am at. Maybe it will help someone. Who knows, maybe it will even help me.
My life feels meaningless. It is like I am lost, or more accurately, I lost myself. I feel spiritually dead. I have feelings of wrath I don't know what to do with. I'm lonely. Oh, I'm really lonely. The people I've trusted the most to help me with life, I don't feel I can count on. I've lost my sense of hope. Truthfully, I feel as though I went to the hospital fucked up one way, and left fucked up a different way. What do you do, when you are so isolated? I don't know the answer. Truthfully, I don't know anything. This place I am at, doesn't need shallow encouragement. What it does need, though, I'm not sure. I have a deep yearning to be understood, that I don't think is going to get met any time soon. People are worthless, when it comes to helping this kind of state of mind. I am so angry at God I could spit. I wish I had solutions, but really, all I've got are problems.
I wish I could end this post on a positive note, but somehow, I don't think that would give justice to my feelings, so I'll just say this- thanks for listening.
Sincerely,
Sean D. Zlatnik
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Why I Am Stuck Here
Note: All names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.
I feel it might be beneficial for some people to know why it is I am stuck- or better said, why I believe the voice I am hearing is God. I just feel I need to explain this so that people can better understand where I am coming from. I do agree that a lot of the decisions I've made are strange. Some of the decisions I've made, I wonder what the point was. I wouldn't say this is really a defence, though in some ways I suppose it is. I realize I may end up leaving some details out, but when telling a story like this one, you just do the best you can. My biggest reason for believing that God was involved in this, is the divine intelligence required to create the following parables.
First parable-
I believe I've already written about this, but I believe it bears retelling. There are some elements of the story that I left out before that I am going to add, because I feel some things haven't been explained.
The story starts with my being invited to an event at Miranda's house. Miranda herself invited me, which meant a lot to me. At this event, I observed some strange behavior from two other parties, Ellen and Raina. I noticed that Ellen was avoiding me, which I found unsettling, because I had a nice friendship with Ellen and could not grasp why she was avoiding me. During the event Miranda asked me to be quieter, which makes sense because my voice carries very well. I was having a conversation with Raina in which I was whispering in her ear, because Miranda wanted me to be quiet, when Raina said (my guess, in hindsight jokingly) that Miranda was looking at me, indicating annoyance at how loud I was. Thinking Raina was serious, I stopped talking to Raina. Later, when I tried to talk to Raina, it became obvious she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I thought things were friendly- not grasping the romantic undercurrent involved, so I took offense at Raina's unwillingness to talk to me. At the end of the event I observed some strange behavior from Miranda- I told her that I had emailed her, and her response... is difficult to describe here but in my mind's eye it definitely relayed romantic interest. I was stunned. Once before Miranda had acted in a way that conveyed interest; she went very much out of her way to say hello to me- but besides that moment, I had no reason to think Miranda wanted thing one to do with me.
Since up until then, it seemed to me that Miranda was not interested, I was puzzled at why she was acting the way she was. It was a mistery. I think I emailed her a few times for reasons I can't recall now, and she got irritated (may not be the word she would choose, but close enough) and asked me to leave her alone for the time being. There you have one regret of mine- I wish I had honored this request. However, I got it into my head that Miranda was using Ellen and Raina to gather intelligence on me. This was very upsetting to me. The next time she tried to talk to me, I wouldn't talk to her- not that I was completely silent, mind you, but I shut the conversation down as fast as possible. Later that night I regretted doing this. Feeling remorseful about shutting the conversation down, and feeling afraid that my doing so would ruin any chance at a relationship with Miranda, I emailed Miranda saying "I don't know how to love you well right now." This was truthful- on one hand, I thought she might prefer me to not write her, she might prefer that I honor the set boundry. On the other hand, I was afraid she felt jilted, and I didn't want her to feel that way. I was dumbfounded as to what the correct course of action, because I was trying too hard to understand what was going on. From this point, I was emailing both Miranda and Ellen, and somehow I became convinced Miranda was using her friends to gather information about me, and so I wrote a letter with the following gist- Dear Miranda, I know what you did. A just response would be for me to never speak to you again. A merciful response would be to forgive you. A gracious response would be for me to spend all the money in my bank account to buy you these gift cards. I recommend you use them to ask me out, but you may do what you want with them. Sincerely, Sean I guess you could say I was very upset over something that was all in my head. That evening, I discovered that Miranda had removed me from her friend list on facebook. I freaked out, and wrote Ellen about the incoming letter. During this week, I wrote several letters to Ellen. In my mind's eye, I was using Ellen as a filter- I could have written Miranda directly, but since Miranda had removed me from her friend list, I was afraid of upsetting her. At one point, Ellen blocked me from emailing her. I felt that I was supposed to act in faith that Miranda still wanted to be with me. I ordered three dozen roses, to the tune of 161 dollars (after 10% discount). Knowing I had no money to pay for this, I borrowed from my next paycheck all the money needed to pay for the flowers. While I was at Miranda's house delivering the flowers- which was very hard, by the way- Miranda asked me why I didn't honor her set boundry. I was confused by this question, because I thought I had explained it in an email I sent. Either she didn't get the email, or I didn't explain very well. I answered, "I misunderstood you," which to me later meant to be ironic, since I've felt very misunderstood by her, for reasons I can't at this moment recall.
At this point things really get... interesting. Since Miranda asked me such a strange question, I became convinced my written letter to Miranda was intercepted by Ellen for foul purposes instead of good ones. I had told Ellen about the letter hoping she would help Miranda understand where I was coming from, or perhaps intercept it if she thought the letter was going to make things worse. My thinking here was that Miranda should know, between the letter and the emails, that I was upset, and that was definitely the reason why I ignored her set boundry. You could say... I badly overreacted. Anyhow, since I was still a bit upset at Miranda but now really upset with Ellen, I got the idea of doing something like what God did with Moses and Aaron- that I would be "God," this other guy, Jed, would be my prophet, and Miranda would be my people. I would pseudo date and pseudo marry Ellen, and send messages to Miranda through Jed. Yes, I know this thinking is nuts- but the handwritten letter is perfectly written such that it fits within this reality. Isn't that something? That is the first parable. While I'm sure that my thinking was off throughout, somehow it all fits together in this alternate reality.
Second Parable-
God led me on a trip to the coast, then to Salem, then all over the Portland area, then Salem, then home. I must explain in more details, though for you to get the significance of this trip. The first place I stopped at, was the Dairy Queen in Toledo. From there, I walked down a street in the direction of Toledo. I came to a side street that went up a hill. I took the side street, walked up the hill, and back down it. Then, I walked back to my car. From there I drove to Newport, then north to Devil's Punch Bowl. I went for a walk on the beach, and I crossed some streams that were headed to the ocean. God told me to walk on the water of the stream. The first time I refused. The second time (and this case, the water was only half an inch deep) I was willing. I don't know if I succeeded or not- the water was too shallow to tell. My feet didn't get soaked though. After this, I had a few more adventures, including meeting a few people that I think know Miranda, and then I drove to Salem. I thought I was going to meet Miranda in a Chilis, that God had told her to meet me there at 6 PM in Salem. Truth be told, all I knew was I was supposed to go to a Chilis in Salem at 6 PM. I went to Salem, got directions. It turns out there is now no Chilis in Salem. From there I drove all over Portland in Spirit-led driving, trying to find the Chilis- or the place God wanted me to be. Whichever. I waited at multiple restaurants a sum total of about 45 minutes. My driving time, however was extreme- I didn't get home until around 11 PM. Now for the point- I wrote in a blog entry later for Miranda to listen to "Love Song" by Third Day. When I wrote this, it was being led by the Spirit- I had no idea what it meant. However, let's consider the lyrics of the song:
I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary
Chorus:Just to be with you, I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give anything
I would give my life away.
I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
How may times has he broken that promise
It can never be done
I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea
Repeat chorus
(Bridge)I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.
Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.
Now, by this point I had basically acted out much of the song. I walked a hill. I walked on water. To be with Miranda, I drove through Salem and all over Portland- which is to say, I would do anything. To be with Miranda, I gave everything- I gave every cent of my bank account, and then I gave the same amount for the flowers from what I was planning to live on in the next pay period. This all before I even realized what I was doing or had any idea that there was rhyme and reason for what I was doing. Now I hope you can see where my stubborn refusal to believe that what is guiding me isn't God. There was just too much behind-the-scenes intelligence driving my behavior. Miranda, if you are reading this, I hope this explains a thing or two that you didn't understand, about why I did what I did. To everyone else- I hope this explains why I'm unyielding to any attempt to convince me that God is not involved in this.
Sincerely,
Sean Douglas Zlatnik
I feel it might be beneficial for some people to know why it is I am stuck- or better said, why I believe the voice I am hearing is God. I just feel I need to explain this so that people can better understand where I am coming from. I do agree that a lot of the decisions I've made are strange. Some of the decisions I've made, I wonder what the point was. I wouldn't say this is really a defence, though in some ways I suppose it is. I realize I may end up leaving some details out, but when telling a story like this one, you just do the best you can. My biggest reason for believing that God was involved in this, is the divine intelligence required to create the following parables.
First parable-
I believe I've already written about this, but I believe it bears retelling. There are some elements of the story that I left out before that I am going to add, because I feel some things haven't been explained.
The story starts with my being invited to an event at Miranda's house. Miranda herself invited me, which meant a lot to me. At this event, I observed some strange behavior from two other parties, Ellen and Raina. I noticed that Ellen was avoiding me, which I found unsettling, because I had a nice friendship with Ellen and could not grasp why she was avoiding me. During the event Miranda asked me to be quieter, which makes sense because my voice carries very well. I was having a conversation with Raina in which I was whispering in her ear, because Miranda wanted me to be quiet, when Raina said (my guess, in hindsight jokingly) that Miranda was looking at me, indicating annoyance at how loud I was. Thinking Raina was serious, I stopped talking to Raina. Later, when I tried to talk to Raina, it became obvious she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I thought things were friendly- not grasping the romantic undercurrent involved, so I took offense at Raina's unwillingness to talk to me. At the end of the event I observed some strange behavior from Miranda- I told her that I had emailed her, and her response... is difficult to describe here but in my mind's eye it definitely relayed romantic interest. I was stunned. Once before Miranda had acted in a way that conveyed interest; she went very much out of her way to say hello to me- but besides that moment, I had no reason to think Miranda wanted thing one to do with me.
Since up until then, it seemed to me that Miranda was not interested, I was puzzled at why she was acting the way she was. It was a mistery. I think I emailed her a few times for reasons I can't recall now, and she got irritated (may not be the word she would choose, but close enough) and asked me to leave her alone for the time being. There you have one regret of mine- I wish I had honored this request. However, I got it into my head that Miranda was using Ellen and Raina to gather intelligence on me. This was very upsetting to me. The next time she tried to talk to me, I wouldn't talk to her- not that I was completely silent, mind you, but I shut the conversation down as fast as possible. Later that night I regretted doing this. Feeling remorseful about shutting the conversation down, and feeling afraid that my doing so would ruin any chance at a relationship with Miranda, I emailed Miranda saying "I don't know how to love you well right now." This was truthful- on one hand, I thought she might prefer me to not write her, she might prefer that I honor the set boundry. On the other hand, I was afraid she felt jilted, and I didn't want her to feel that way. I was dumbfounded as to what the correct course of action, because I was trying too hard to understand what was going on. From this point, I was emailing both Miranda and Ellen, and somehow I became convinced Miranda was using her friends to gather information about me, and so I wrote a letter with the following gist- Dear Miranda, I know what you did. A just response would be for me to never speak to you again. A merciful response would be to forgive you. A gracious response would be for me to spend all the money in my bank account to buy you these gift cards. I recommend you use them to ask me out, but you may do what you want with them. Sincerely, Sean I guess you could say I was very upset over something that was all in my head. That evening, I discovered that Miranda had removed me from her friend list on facebook. I freaked out, and wrote Ellen about the incoming letter. During this week, I wrote several letters to Ellen. In my mind's eye, I was using Ellen as a filter- I could have written Miranda directly, but since Miranda had removed me from her friend list, I was afraid of upsetting her. At one point, Ellen blocked me from emailing her. I felt that I was supposed to act in faith that Miranda still wanted to be with me. I ordered three dozen roses, to the tune of 161 dollars (after 10% discount). Knowing I had no money to pay for this, I borrowed from my next paycheck all the money needed to pay for the flowers. While I was at Miranda's house delivering the flowers- which was very hard, by the way- Miranda asked me why I didn't honor her set boundry. I was confused by this question, because I thought I had explained it in an email I sent. Either she didn't get the email, or I didn't explain very well. I answered, "I misunderstood you," which to me later meant to be ironic, since I've felt very misunderstood by her, for reasons I can't at this moment recall.
At this point things really get... interesting. Since Miranda asked me such a strange question, I became convinced my written letter to Miranda was intercepted by Ellen for foul purposes instead of good ones. I had told Ellen about the letter hoping she would help Miranda understand where I was coming from, or perhaps intercept it if she thought the letter was going to make things worse. My thinking here was that Miranda should know, between the letter and the emails, that I was upset, and that was definitely the reason why I ignored her set boundry. You could say... I badly overreacted. Anyhow, since I was still a bit upset at Miranda but now really upset with Ellen, I got the idea of doing something like what God did with Moses and Aaron- that I would be "God," this other guy, Jed, would be my prophet, and Miranda would be my people. I would pseudo date and pseudo marry Ellen, and send messages to Miranda through Jed. Yes, I know this thinking is nuts- but the handwritten letter is perfectly written such that it fits within this reality. Isn't that something? That is the first parable. While I'm sure that my thinking was off throughout, somehow it all fits together in this alternate reality.
Second Parable-
God led me on a trip to the coast, then to Salem, then all over the Portland area, then Salem, then home. I must explain in more details, though for you to get the significance of this trip. The first place I stopped at, was the Dairy Queen in Toledo. From there, I walked down a street in the direction of Toledo. I came to a side street that went up a hill. I took the side street, walked up the hill, and back down it. Then, I walked back to my car. From there I drove to Newport, then north to Devil's Punch Bowl. I went for a walk on the beach, and I crossed some streams that were headed to the ocean. God told me to walk on the water of the stream. The first time I refused. The second time (and this case, the water was only half an inch deep) I was willing. I don't know if I succeeded or not- the water was too shallow to tell. My feet didn't get soaked though. After this, I had a few more adventures, including meeting a few people that I think know Miranda, and then I drove to Salem. I thought I was going to meet Miranda in a Chilis, that God had told her to meet me there at 6 PM in Salem. Truth be told, all I knew was I was supposed to go to a Chilis in Salem at 6 PM. I went to Salem, got directions. It turns out there is now no Chilis in Salem. From there I drove all over Portland in Spirit-led driving, trying to find the Chilis- or the place God wanted me to be. Whichever. I waited at multiple restaurants a sum total of about 45 minutes. My driving time, however was extreme- I didn't get home until around 11 PM. Now for the point- I wrote in a blog entry later for Miranda to listen to "Love Song" by Third Day. When I wrote this, it was being led by the Spirit- I had no idea what it meant. However, let's consider the lyrics of the song:
I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary
Chorus:Just to be with you, I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give anything
I would give my life away.
I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
How may times has he broken that promise
It can never be done
I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea
Repeat chorus
(Bridge)I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.
Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.
Now, by this point I had basically acted out much of the song. I walked a hill. I walked on water. To be with Miranda, I drove through Salem and all over Portland- which is to say, I would do anything. To be with Miranda, I gave everything- I gave every cent of my bank account, and then I gave the same amount for the flowers from what I was planning to live on in the next pay period. This all before I even realized what I was doing or had any idea that there was rhyme and reason for what I was doing. Now I hope you can see where my stubborn refusal to believe that what is guiding me isn't God. There was just too much behind-the-scenes intelligence driving my behavior. Miranda, if you are reading this, I hope this explains a thing or two that you didn't understand, about why I did what I did. To everyone else- I hope this explains why I'm unyielding to any attempt to convince me that God is not involved in this.
Sincerely,
Sean Douglas Zlatnik
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Fearless
This season may be my most difficult yet. I've thought of previous seasons as being seasons of great difficulty. Only now do I see I was only in the frying pan, and only now I'm in the fire. Everyone in my life thinks I'm deceived. My prayers for others get answered, but at what cost! The good news, is that I've held on to my hope. I see that God is fashioning a deep character in me through this season, and though I'm at my wits end and I don't see why this has happened, I do see that I am loved. God has been terribly unpredictable to me, which is to say that I've tasted unpredictability and I don't like it. However, I see now that I'm capable of a great deal of ministry in a very short period of time. I also see what genuine love looks like. I've faced many fears and found that I am not subject to them any more. I'm not afraid anymore. I know what perfect love is, and I am now free to be fearless, except of my lord and master, Jesus.
It is funny that people are upset over what I've done, thinking my motives to be selfish. Yet only I know just how tough all my assignments were. None of them were easy. One time of being screamed at, and I lived in fear of being screamed at once more. I still can't believe I had the guts to not be subject to that fear anymore. That was so hard! I took the risk of being verbally destroyed once more, over and over again. For me, that was terrifying. And yet, I know now that even my greatest fears can be overcome by the strength God gives. I'm not afraid anymore.
Regardless of what you all think, I know I'm not a coward. Even if the only thing I accomplished in this was this very thing, I consider this a success. That is all I have to say.
Your friend,
Sean
It is funny that people are upset over what I've done, thinking my motives to be selfish. Yet only I know just how tough all my assignments were. None of them were easy. One time of being screamed at, and I lived in fear of being screamed at once more. I still can't believe I had the guts to not be subject to that fear anymore. That was so hard! I took the risk of being verbally destroyed once more, over and over again. For me, that was terrifying. And yet, I know now that even my greatest fears can be overcome by the strength God gives. I'm not afraid anymore.
Regardless of what you all think, I know I'm not a coward. Even if the only thing I accomplished in this was this very thing, I consider this a success. That is all I have to say.
Your friend,
Sean
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Where I Am Now
This season has been exceptionally difficult. At the moment, I'm trying to piece together what has happened to me, and I'm finding it difficult to make sense of it. It is funny, because on one hand, I'm very confident I've been obedient, while on the other hand, I'm a bit embarrassed about some of the decisions I've made. It is a weird combination.
I realize most of my posts have been teaching posts. Still, this is my primary blog, and I felt I should choose this venue for discussing my feelings about what has happened. I would say the best word to describe how I've been would be to say I was on tilt for God. I'm confident that I was being as obedient as possible, and I'm fairly convinced in the long run that I will be vindicated as being totally obedient. Nevertheless, I look at what I've done with a sense of embarrassment, and I surely hope to never have another season like this most recent one ever again.
Lots of questions hang over me as I try to make heads or tails out of what has happened. It is a weird season, but I think the worst is over.
Sincerely,
Sean
I realize most of my posts have been teaching posts. Still, this is my primary blog, and I felt I should choose this venue for discussing my feelings about what has happened. I would say the best word to describe how I've been would be to say I was on tilt for God. I'm confident that I was being as obedient as possible, and I'm fairly convinced in the long run that I will be vindicated as being totally obedient. Nevertheless, I look at what I've done with a sense of embarrassment, and I surely hope to never have another season like this most recent one ever again.
Lots of questions hang over me as I try to make heads or tails out of what has happened. It is a weird season, but I think the worst is over.
Sincerely,
Sean
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Siblings
Hi!
There is a grave misconception about the nature of cross-gender relations within the body of Christ. Somehow, we have it in our minds, that two people who are of opposite sexes could not live in the same house or spend time together or anything like this without being romantically involved or sexually involved. This is sad.
Do you know how much ministry is lost in the body of Christ because we make decisions based on the fear of our actions being misconstrued, rather than out of love? What if we could treat everyone in the body of Christ like brothers and sisters? Then we could go anywhere, and do almost anything. I say "almost," because obviously sexual intercourse is out of bounds. Obviously, nudity is inappropriate. You wouldn't be naked in the presense of an opposite-gender sibling, would you? Certainly not! Yet, most people wouldn't hesitate spending a night alone with a beloved opposite-gender sibling. Am I right or am I right? I would often have my sisters over for dinner. I'd cook for them, and we would play games together. We had a ball! Once I went on a walk with one of my sisters, and we held hands. We hug often, and I kiss them on the cheek. All of this is appropriate sibling behavior. Why can't we treat siblings in Christ the same way? Why do fear and perceived sexual temptation get in the way of having genuine relationships? We are all bound up inside, and we must be loosed of our fear. For me, this is a great tragedy of the body of Christ- we are more concerned about appearances and the risks of being misunderstood, than we are in developing real relationships with our brothers and sisters in the body. Christ called us to love everyone deeply. Romantic love is a whole other level beyond that for sure. We just have to understand the difference, and have a firm understanding what family love is versus what romantic love is. I think two people can live together, eat together, and even share a bedroom together, and not ever engage in sin. We only think this doesn't work, because we haven't been delivered from fear, doubt, depression, sexual lust, etc. We choose to live in bondage, rather than in freedom. Freedom has no fear. Freedom looks out for the other, rather than trying to get what it wants for itself. We misunderstand the nature of freedom, and shackle ourselves with unnecessary rules, that keep us from understanding the true nature of love. If two people love each other well relative to the existing relationship, there are very few situations that must be avoided entirely. Otherwise, the life of love is a beautiful thing. We need to get off the sidelines, and get in the game.
Sincerely,
Sean
There is a grave misconception about the nature of cross-gender relations within the body of Christ. Somehow, we have it in our minds, that two people who are of opposite sexes could not live in the same house or spend time together or anything like this without being romantically involved or sexually involved. This is sad.
Do you know how much ministry is lost in the body of Christ because we make decisions based on the fear of our actions being misconstrued, rather than out of love? What if we could treat everyone in the body of Christ like brothers and sisters? Then we could go anywhere, and do almost anything. I say "almost," because obviously sexual intercourse is out of bounds. Obviously, nudity is inappropriate. You wouldn't be naked in the presense of an opposite-gender sibling, would you? Certainly not! Yet, most people wouldn't hesitate spending a night alone with a beloved opposite-gender sibling. Am I right or am I right? I would often have my sisters over for dinner. I'd cook for them, and we would play games together. We had a ball! Once I went on a walk with one of my sisters, and we held hands. We hug often, and I kiss them on the cheek. All of this is appropriate sibling behavior. Why can't we treat siblings in Christ the same way? Why do fear and perceived sexual temptation get in the way of having genuine relationships? We are all bound up inside, and we must be loosed of our fear. For me, this is a great tragedy of the body of Christ- we are more concerned about appearances and the risks of being misunderstood, than we are in developing real relationships with our brothers and sisters in the body. Christ called us to love everyone deeply. Romantic love is a whole other level beyond that for sure. We just have to understand the difference, and have a firm understanding what family love is versus what romantic love is. I think two people can live together, eat together, and even share a bedroom together, and not ever engage in sin. We only think this doesn't work, because we haven't been delivered from fear, doubt, depression, sexual lust, etc. We choose to live in bondage, rather than in freedom. Freedom has no fear. Freedom looks out for the other, rather than trying to get what it wants for itself. We misunderstand the nature of freedom, and shackle ourselves with unnecessary rules, that keep us from understanding the true nature of love. If two people love each other well relative to the existing relationship, there are very few situations that must be avoided entirely. Otherwise, the life of love is a beautiful thing. We need to get off the sidelines, and get in the game.
Sincerely,
Sean
Marriage is about Commitment, Not about a Document or a Ceremony
What I’m about to say could easily be misconstrued as a license for sin. However, if you get what I’m saying, you will realize that the opposite is true- more people are living in sin under the license of “marriage” than you think.
You see, Jesus said we should let our yes be yes and our no be no. What this means is, that we are freely giving ourselves truly, and are not holding our end of the bargain for legal reasons. For example, there are people who marry fast over lust and not for both love and commitment. These people are trying to do contractually what really needed to be done through the heart. They don’t get it. They don’t understand that love was never about a document you signed or anything else. Love has always been about commitment. It will always be about commitment, too.
Let us put it this way. Let us say that you are involved with the mobster’s daughter. You are married to her, in whatever way you want to define it. You are truly committed to her if you can be obedient in the following situation. The mob boss finds out you are involved with his daughter. He brings over innumerable guns, and over and over again he puts a gun to your head and asks you to break it off. Each time, you say no, he pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. Finally he shows you that all those guns were empty- no bullets in any of the chambers in any of the countless guns he’s used so far. He pulls out one more gun. This time, he shows you the inside of the gun- each chamber has a bullet in it. He puts the gun to your head. “Now I’m going to ask you one more time. Are you in or out of this relationship?” If you would still not back down, you are committed.
See? This is what commitment is. It is the “Come hell or high water, I’m going to be with you” kind of commitment. When Jesus said that people could get a divorce in the case of adultery, he said that for the same reason Moses permitted divorce- because the people were not ready for his kind of agape love. He let them off the hook, because he loved them. The truth is, if divorce is an option, perhaps you weren’t married in the first place, and you’ve been living in sin all this time. On the other hand, there are some couples who never had a marriage ceremony, but they are married in the eyes of God. That is because there is no manipulation involved- their marriage is based on trust and commitment, not selfishness and greed. Love does not use another to meet its own needs. Love trusts. Love perseveres. Love isn’t afraid of abuse, but completely surrenders. Don’t get me wrong- both parties have to have this level of commitment, not just one of them. However, if both parties are totally, 100% committed, there is no sin to have sex without some kind of ceremony. The ceremony is a celebration, not some kind of institutional sex Christmas or something. We have to get what marriage is and isn’t, stop judging by mere appearances and look at the heart.
I know this word is very intense. Please think about it thoroughly before judging it- I feel confident before God I’m right. Look at this, and you will see Jesus in this.
Your friend,
Sean
You see, Jesus said we should let our yes be yes and our no be no. What this means is, that we are freely giving ourselves truly, and are not holding our end of the bargain for legal reasons. For example, there are people who marry fast over lust and not for both love and commitment. These people are trying to do contractually what really needed to be done through the heart. They don’t get it. They don’t understand that love was never about a document you signed or anything else. Love has always been about commitment. It will always be about commitment, too.
Let us put it this way. Let us say that you are involved with the mobster’s daughter. You are married to her, in whatever way you want to define it. You are truly committed to her if you can be obedient in the following situation. The mob boss finds out you are involved with his daughter. He brings over innumerable guns, and over and over again he puts a gun to your head and asks you to break it off. Each time, you say no, he pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. Finally he shows you that all those guns were empty- no bullets in any of the chambers in any of the countless guns he’s used so far. He pulls out one more gun. This time, he shows you the inside of the gun- each chamber has a bullet in it. He puts the gun to your head. “Now I’m going to ask you one more time. Are you in or out of this relationship?” If you would still not back down, you are committed.
See? This is what commitment is. It is the “Come hell or high water, I’m going to be with you” kind of commitment. When Jesus said that people could get a divorce in the case of adultery, he said that for the same reason Moses permitted divorce- because the people were not ready for his kind of agape love. He let them off the hook, because he loved them. The truth is, if divorce is an option, perhaps you weren’t married in the first place, and you’ve been living in sin all this time. On the other hand, there are some couples who never had a marriage ceremony, but they are married in the eyes of God. That is because there is no manipulation involved- their marriage is based on trust and commitment, not selfishness and greed. Love does not use another to meet its own needs. Love trusts. Love perseveres. Love isn’t afraid of abuse, but completely surrenders. Don’t get me wrong- both parties have to have this level of commitment, not just one of them. However, if both parties are totally, 100% committed, there is no sin to have sex without some kind of ceremony. The ceremony is a celebration, not some kind of institutional sex Christmas or something. We have to get what marriage is and isn’t, stop judging by mere appearances and look at the heart.
I know this word is very intense. Please think about it thoroughly before judging it- I feel confident before God I’m right. Look at this, and you will see Jesus in this.
Your friend,
Sean
Monday, April 27, 2009
Love Casts Out Fear
I realize now that I have found the greatest issue in the body of Christ. That issue is singular- the issue of fear. Sadly, so many opportunities to minister to others are lost because of this very simple issue. We're afraid that God won't provide for us. We're afraid people will misunderstand us. We're afraid people will take advantage of us. We're just plain afraid, and it is tragic.
I believe that basically almost all fear, if not fear in its whole entirety, is bad. The God we serve wants and desires that we actually trust him. This trust comes in many forms. We can trust God that he'll provide for our finances. We can trust God with our reputation. We can trust him with the aftermath of misunderstood kindness. God can be trusted. He can be trusted for miracles, if only we'd offer to pray for people. He can be trusted for prophetic words. Daddy, as I call God, longs that we trust him completely. Yet we very often hang out on the sidelines, letting fear keep us out of the game. God wants us in the game! Begin to believe that God is big enough to care for you. Currently, I know someone who Daddy revealed to me has basically stripped themselves of a piece of their identity, for the purpose of reaching the lost. By doing so, this person has largely alienated themselves from the Christian community. I only know about it by divine revelation- and I could be wrong- but I'm fairly certain I'm correct in this conclusion. The purpose of this, is to reach people who could not be reached any other way. I'm telling you now this is what love is. Love sacrifices. Love trusts. Love is not self seeking or keeps record of wrongs. In the church, we talk about love, but love was never meant to live in theory. It must be practiced. True love very often involves taking risks. Sometimes those risks blow up in our faces. Nevertheless, without living out the gospel, we will never truly see what Daddy is really like. We will never know what it is like for someone who had been a hater of Christians to call you a friend. We will never see people beset with tragedy who turned from Christ return to Christ. There is so much that we miss out on because we believe the lies of the enemy more than the love of our God!
Please- stop living in fear. You can't control how others respond to your kindness. You can't control the future. You are not your provider; Daddy is. If we are going to love well, we must first let go of these sorts of assumptions. We are not guaranteed even another minute here on earth, yet we act as though we can prevent our very death. Very often, what passes for responsibility is just fear masquerading as love. We must learn to be led by the Spirit, and the Spirit leads us into the life of love. Please choose to believe your Daddy in heaven has your best interests at heart and has the strength to care for you, and that love is a choice that is always worthwhile. People are dying all around us, if only we weren't so afraid for ourselves that we would help them and each other...
I believe that basically almost all fear, if not fear in its whole entirety, is bad. The God we serve wants and desires that we actually trust him. This trust comes in many forms. We can trust God that he'll provide for our finances. We can trust God with our reputation. We can trust him with the aftermath of misunderstood kindness. God can be trusted. He can be trusted for miracles, if only we'd offer to pray for people. He can be trusted for prophetic words. Daddy, as I call God, longs that we trust him completely. Yet we very often hang out on the sidelines, letting fear keep us out of the game. God wants us in the game! Begin to believe that God is big enough to care for you. Currently, I know someone who Daddy revealed to me has basically stripped themselves of a piece of their identity, for the purpose of reaching the lost. By doing so, this person has largely alienated themselves from the Christian community. I only know about it by divine revelation- and I could be wrong- but I'm fairly certain I'm correct in this conclusion. The purpose of this, is to reach people who could not be reached any other way. I'm telling you now this is what love is. Love sacrifices. Love trusts. Love is not self seeking or keeps record of wrongs. In the church, we talk about love, but love was never meant to live in theory. It must be practiced. True love very often involves taking risks. Sometimes those risks blow up in our faces. Nevertheless, without living out the gospel, we will never truly see what Daddy is really like. We will never know what it is like for someone who had been a hater of Christians to call you a friend. We will never see people beset with tragedy who turned from Christ return to Christ. There is so much that we miss out on because we believe the lies of the enemy more than the love of our God!
Please- stop living in fear. You can't control how others respond to your kindness. You can't control the future. You are not your provider; Daddy is. If we are going to love well, we must first let go of these sorts of assumptions. We are not guaranteed even another minute here on earth, yet we act as though we can prevent our very death. Very often, what passes for responsibility is just fear masquerading as love. We must learn to be led by the Spirit, and the Spirit leads us into the life of love. Please choose to believe your Daddy in heaven has your best interests at heart and has the strength to care for you, and that love is a choice that is always worthwhile. People are dying all around us, if only we weren't so afraid for ourselves that we would help them and each other...
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Do Not Let Your Left Hand Know What Your Right Hand Is Doing
I want to talk about something that I'm learning right now, something that for me is intensely difficult. I want speak of letting go completely of one's reputation.
As I'm writing this, I'm discovering the desire to explain one's actions or to be too forthright in an explanation can give everything away. Even as I'm writing this, I can think of examples I want to use that would make myself look cool, and I know I can't use them because people I know will read this, and I have my heart set on nobody knowing. What ministry I'm doing is rarely anyone's business but my own. How long I spent interceding for others last night is no one's business but God's. The desire to explain my actions knaws at me at times, because I deeply desire not to be misunderstood. Even my friends at times misunderstand my actions, because they don't know my heart. This is the ruthless test of my soul- am I okay being misunderstood? Am I okay if people don't get it? If I show the extent of my love, and people assume evil motives, do I have the internal strength to trust God to defend me, and let him take care of it? This need to be understood comes from the devil, because deep down we're afraid (or at least I'm afraid...) that we must protect ourselves from others' misconceptions. For me, this all compounded by the fact that I am mentally wired such that I don't think like everyone else, which gets me into trouble more often than not. Regardless, though, I'm determined to let go of my need to defend my actions, because I know that this is not the kingdom way.
I hope that the reader takes to heart not only this idea that Daddy will in the end take care of you, but also in the end, vindicate you. My prayer for my audience is that we would all learn how to ruthlessly trust Daddy, as he has promised to always care for us. After all, the great reward for surrendering our reputation is treasure in heaven, which is the only treasure truly worthwhile!
As I'm writing this, I'm discovering the desire to explain one's actions or to be too forthright in an explanation can give everything away. Even as I'm writing this, I can think of examples I want to use that would make myself look cool, and I know I can't use them because people I know will read this, and I have my heart set on nobody knowing. What ministry I'm doing is rarely anyone's business but my own. How long I spent interceding for others last night is no one's business but God's. The desire to explain my actions knaws at me at times, because I deeply desire not to be misunderstood. Even my friends at times misunderstand my actions, because they don't know my heart. This is the ruthless test of my soul- am I okay being misunderstood? Am I okay if people don't get it? If I show the extent of my love, and people assume evil motives, do I have the internal strength to trust God to defend me, and let him take care of it? This need to be understood comes from the devil, because deep down we're afraid (or at least I'm afraid...) that we must protect ourselves from others' misconceptions. For me, this all compounded by the fact that I am mentally wired such that I don't think like everyone else, which gets me into trouble more often than not. Regardless, though, I'm determined to let go of my need to defend my actions, because I know that this is not the kingdom way.
I hope that the reader takes to heart not only this idea that Daddy will in the end take care of you, but also in the end, vindicate you. My prayer for my audience is that we would all learn how to ruthlessly trust Daddy, as he has promised to always care for us. After all, the great reward for surrendering our reputation is treasure in heaven, which is the only treasure truly worthwhile!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Lobbying and Legislative Efforts
To some degree, this is a continuation of the previous post, but I think it deserves a post of its own. Somehow, the church has exchanged its role as prophet for attempting to use political power to legislate changes that only love can accomplish.
Honestly I'm fit to be tied about this. Where does the church get off judging the world for sin where there is no tangible signs of love? You who vote pro-life, do you love teenage girls? You who hate drug abuse, do you love drug addicts? You who hate gay marraige, do you love homosexuals? What on earth is going on here? How did we get this way? Where is the love?
I'm sorry, but this personally offends me. The church, when seen as a legislative force instead of a grace force, comes off as a bunch of control freaks, trying to impose their own morality on others instead of a force of lovingkindness, showing the nature of God for what it is. How did we get this way? How did we buy into the lie that the will of God was to be accomplished primarily through political means? I don't know how this happened, but I pray that you, the reader, would choose love. Choose to care about people more than just trying to control them. Ultimately, only the love of Christ can affect the change in our society that needs to happen. The world needs to see that we love them, and that ultimately the only way that the changes we see that need to happen are going to happen. They know we are Christians by our love, not by our lobbying efforts.
Honestly I'm fit to be tied about this. Where does the church get off judging the world for sin where there is no tangible signs of love? You who vote pro-life, do you love teenage girls? You who hate drug abuse, do you love drug addicts? You who hate gay marraige, do you love homosexuals? What on earth is going on here? How did we get this way? Where is the love?
I'm sorry, but this personally offends me. The church, when seen as a legislative force instead of a grace force, comes off as a bunch of control freaks, trying to impose their own morality on others instead of a force of lovingkindness, showing the nature of God for what it is. How did we get this way? How did we buy into the lie that the will of God was to be accomplished primarily through political means? I don't know how this happened, but I pray that you, the reader, would choose love. Choose to care about people more than just trying to control them. Ultimately, only the love of Christ can affect the change in our society that needs to happen. The world needs to see that we love them, and that ultimately the only way that the changes we see that need to happen are going to happen. They know we are Christians by our love, not by our lobbying efforts.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The Land of Responsibility Versus a Culture of Victimhood
I see a great tragedy taking place within the faith today. In essence, the church is coming to believe a great lie of the enemy, that somehow outside circumstances and other's decisions are the problem, both on a personal and on a corporate level. Let me explain what I mean.
Let us say that you have problem with how you use the Internet. Say you use the Internet for sexual uses that falls outside of what God asks of us. Some say the problem is that the Internet is unfiltered or unregulated like television is regulated. This thinking states that we are sexual creatures who just can't help ourselves. This is wrong! As believers, we are called to a place of supernatural strength, such that we love God to the point of honoring him in all our ways. How is it then that the Internet is responsible for your sin? No, the Internet reveals what is in your heart. I understand that software like Covenant Eyes is a good idea, and for a season it may be the best starting point for rebuilding the walls between us and sin. Nevertheless, God never intended that we would let software assume the responsibility for us living right before God! Who you are when you are alone on the Internet with no one monitoring or filtering your behavior and no apparent immediate consequences for your decisions is who you really are and where you are really at. Blaming the Internet or the government or anyone else for your choice to engage in behaviors that fall outside of your faith is just a scapegoat.
On a larger scale, much of what is called the Religious Right has convinced us that laws are what are needed to keep the country from sin, such as abortion. Never has a more victim-oriented claim ever been made! If anything, it is the role of the church to love this country, to meet the needs of expectant mothers so that abortion isn't the apparent best option. If we take responsibility for this issue by ministering to the poor and oppressed, reaching out to families and helping to mentor the world in a way that reveals what love looks like, no abortion law would ever be needed. You cannot regulate or law-enforce the human heart in a way that works. We are not victims of the Supreme Court or Hollywood. The problems we see in the culture are evidence that we have stopped being salt and light, deciding instead to be victims, blaming others for our own issues. If we as the body of Christ would step up and love the people of the world the way Christ did, many of the issues that concern the church would go away for good or become substantially less significant.
In short, God has asked that we would be his bride. There may be seasons where we must distance ourselves to some degree from the temptations we face, but this should not replace us deciding to grow into the maturity that God demands of us. We must not blame the culture or the devil for our decisions- what we choose is the barometer of where we are at, and although there may be bondage that needs repentance and deliverance from, that is no excuse for sinning where you are now. The first step is acknowledging that both corporately and individually, we as God's bride are responsible for what is wrong in ourselves and in the world. Don't blame the world for sin- the world is a mirror of how well the church is salt and light. Let us pursue God with abandon and not excuse our sin but be liberated from it!
Let us say that you have problem with how you use the Internet. Say you use the Internet for sexual uses that falls outside of what God asks of us. Some say the problem is that the Internet is unfiltered or unregulated like television is regulated. This thinking states that we are sexual creatures who just can't help ourselves. This is wrong! As believers, we are called to a place of supernatural strength, such that we love God to the point of honoring him in all our ways. How is it then that the Internet is responsible for your sin? No, the Internet reveals what is in your heart. I understand that software like Covenant Eyes is a good idea, and for a season it may be the best starting point for rebuilding the walls between us and sin. Nevertheless, God never intended that we would let software assume the responsibility for us living right before God! Who you are when you are alone on the Internet with no one monitoring or filtering your behavior and no apparent immediate consequences for your decisions is who you really are and where you are really at. Blaming the Internet or the government or anyone else for your choice to engage in behaviors that fall outside of your faith is just a scapegoat.
On a larger scale, much of what is called the Religious Right has convinced us that laws are what are needed to keep the country from sin, such as abortion. Never has a more victim-oriented claim ever been made! If anything, it is the role of the church to love this country, to meet the needs of expectant mothers so that abortion isn't the apparent best option. If we take responsibility for this issue by ministering to the poor and oppressed, reaching out to families and helping to mentor the world in a way that reveals what love looks like, no abortion law would ever be needed. You cannot regulate or law-enforce the human heart in a way that works. We are not victims of the Supreme Court or Hollywood. The problems we see in the culture are evidence that we have stopped being salt and light, deciding instead to be victims, blaming others for our own issues. If we as the body of Christ would step up and love the people of the world the way Christ did, many of the issues that concern the church would go away for good or become substantially less significant.
In short, God has asked that we would be his bride. There may be seasons where we must distance ourselves to some degree from the temptations we face, but this should not replace us deciding to grow into the maturity that God demands of us. We must not blame the culture or the devil for our decisions- what we choose is the barometer of where we are at, and although there may be bondage that needs repentance and deliverance from, that is no excuse for sinning where you are now. The first step is acknowledging that both corporately and individually, we as God's bride are responsible for what is wrong in ourselves and in the world. Don't blame the world for sin- the world is a mirror of how well the church is salt and light. Let us pursue God with abandon and not excuse our sin but be liberated from it!
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