My Struggle With My Need to be Right

You ever have one of these moments where you realize you could be a better person, if you could just let something go?

I'll be frank.  I LOVE to be right.  

Now... I'm mature enough to avoid arguments that I think are unhealthy.  It's not that I have any thought that I might be wrong, it's just that I have a healthy respect for how hard it is to change people's minds and how much emotional energy gets invested in these arguments is too much for me.

But I have to be right.

I watched a comedian tonight admit that even though he was in an accident with a drunk driver, because the police officer at the scene was a piece of work the comedian was found at fault for the accident  He spent lots of time trying to nail the Los Angeles police department, because the officer knew that the comedian was not at fault and wanted the comedian to pay anyways.  At a point he realized that while he was right about the accident, that the way he was handling the situation was destructive.  So he did something I don't think I'd be able to do- he let this go and he paid for the guy's car.

I don't know if I could do that.

I know there was a situation I was in that can make me relate to this.  This is hard to talk about, but I think it might be therapeutic to talk about, and frankly it's the biggest experience I've had with this.  I had technically committed a crime.  I had.  However, there were extenuating circumstances that I felt if I could give justice to them, that I could be acquitted.  Yes, I had committed a crime, but the person that I committed the crime against WANTED me to commit the crime, or at least they (in a way I understood) communicated to me that they wanted me to commit this crime.  Anyhow, this was a hard situation for me.  Not helping matters was the fact I was not mentally well at the time (which I'M CERTAIN does not change the fact that this person wanted me to commit the crime- I wasn't that out of it).  Anyhow, I remember my lawyer telling me that if I took it to trial "I would lose."  Great lawyer.  Sigh.  The sad part is, I didn't learn the lesson I needed to learn from this- that sometimes you have to let go of your need to be right.

It's hard letting go of being right.  I'm pretty convinced I'm rarely ever wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I know it does happen.  It's just not super often.  I'm not very good at letting go of being right.  I think this is going to have to be an area of growth for me over the next five to ten years.  I've got to let go of my need to be right, even if I'm 100% certain I'm right.  Sigh.

Jehovah Jireh

 Tonight I had an epiphany.

Okay, so... as I'm trying to fall to sleep, a couple of situations were on my mind that I'd like to play out in certain ways, and I realized something that was a big help.  But first, an explanation about the title.

Jehovah Jireh means "on the mountain God will provide."  Now I believe God gave Abraham this name from when Abraham almost had to sacrifice his son- the provision spoken of is the ram, that replaced Isaac for the sacrifice.

Where I'm going with this is, we all have things we struggle to let go of.  We all have situations we want to go our way.  Whether it's a job we're applying for, a relationship of some kind (be it friendship, romantic significant other, etc.) we want to work out, an illness in the family we want to be healed... whatever it is, there are always things we want to go our way.  In the moment when we let go of those things, not only do we give ourselves the freedom to not worry about them- which might allow us to rest easier and sleep better- we also position ourselves such that God can do what he wants in the current situation, be it give you what you want, or give you something else that may actually be what you need.  

In life, we want things.  All of us.  Without exception.  Our ability to... "hold things loosely"... is a huge key to being content and happy, that will serve all of us well.  God will meet the need.  Maybe not in the way we are hoping for, or when we are hoping it will happen... but he will.  If you are a child of God and you are following God's will in your life to the best of your ability (we all have struggles- these struggles do not preclude us from receiving this promise), then you should realize that God is going to take care of your needs.  As long as we keep this in mind, we can stop worry about the specific way in which he does it or about the specific situations that you want to pan out your way.  Those situations may not pan out your way.  In time though, God will provide for your need, in the way he sees fit.  Our job is to trust him with our needs and not worry too much of how God does it and just believe that he will, even if it means having to walk away from things we want.  I found this to be very freeing- hopefully it helps someone else out there too.

What Owning a Pet is Teaching Me About My Faith

I had an interesting moment just now.  

I was refilling my medication weekly box, that allows me to know whether I've taken my meds or not on any particular day.

I have a cat now, named Helix.  And he was fascinated with what I was doing.  He thought I was making something for him.  However, I knew that what I was dealing with could easily be poisonous for him,  possibly even deadly poisonous.  If I dropped something on the floor and he ate it, it could be horrible.

So what did I do?  I put Helix in the bathroom!

He hated it.  He wanted to be let out almost immediately.  What he didn't realize was I was protecting him.  I didn't want him to get hurt.  As soon as I had the box full, I let Helix out of the bathroom.

What's the lesson here?

God does the same thing to us.  God protects us from things that we aren't even aware of.  You lost something right before you had to leave and you lost time finding it?  Maybe God was protecting you from an accident.  Someone is late to an appointment?  You don't know how that could be for the best, but it might be.  All the circumstances in life you don't like MIGHT be protecting you from something worse.  Or maybe it's a delay between a promise given and a promise fulfilled?  Maybe that way you'll appreciate the fulfillment all the more?

The truth is, we don't know the whole picture of why God does what he does.  And we (myself included) all need to give God the benefit of the doubt.

The Prophets of Late Night

Here's looking at you, John Oliver.

Also to a lesser extent- Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, and Seth Meyers all fit the profile to one extent or another.

I know what you are thinking- most of them aren't Christians.  Okay?  However, you don't have to be a Christian to have a similar function as a prophet.  All four of these guys spoke truth to power while Drumpf was president.  None of them shied away from criticizing the then-president.  

John Oliver is probably the one who most exemplifies this.  His recent pieces about welfare reform and timeshares are just the tip of the iceberg on how John tackles today's issues head on and tries to correct the issues that plague our culture.

In a lot of ways, a prophet is just someone that likes to speak the truth about issues to people, in the hopes of acquiring a course correction.  Often, what a prophet says is unpopular with some people.  A diehard prophet isn't afraid to say many things that are annoying or "against the grain" of popular culture to the people of their age.  While it's true that what these comedians say is not especially unpopular to a good percentage of the population, it also is wildly unpopular with another sector of the populace, and to me that's bold for modern culture, particularly as a comedian whose survival depends on being popular.  And annoying people in power seems at least a little risky, and these four have never feared retribution from Republicans or the Republican Party, or at least didn't fear it enough to shut up about the things that grieve them.

It's not just political speech either.  I watched this video here and it's obvious to me from this video that John sees the absurdity of the Oscars.  And I watched a tiny bit of the Oscars, and I get the feeling that Jimmy Kimmel kind of sees the absurdity as well- these vastly wealthy people self-congratulating on stage over doing their jobs... it's not the most impressive aspect of our culture.  I mean, you know Stephen Colbert's heart is in the right place- anybody who has seen "The Colbert Report" knows that Stephen has been functioning as a prophet in the political arena for some time now.  

We need more people willing to speak truth to power.  We need more people who have sold themselves out for the cause of truth and righteousness.  It's true, I wish they were all Christians, but sometimes you take what you can get.  I for one am grateful for these "Prophets of Late Night."  I hope you can see their value, too.

Faith and Grumbling

I was reading the bible chapters for my devotional, at that moment through the book of Exodus, and something struck me that I felt I needed to share about.  It's the fact that no matter how many times the Lord provides for us, we still struggle with the next instance in which we need help.

It's funny... when you read Exodus you see a people struggling with faith.  They've seen God provide for them over and over, and yet the next time there's a need they grumble all over again, saying (in effect) "God, no matter how often you provide for me, I still think you've abandoned me now- I don't think you are trustworthy."  I want to criticize these people... I want to tell them "Come on!  You saw how God delivered you out of Egypt, and all the other minor deliverances God has done.  Why are you grumbling now?"  Now, to be fair, I wasn't a slave in Egypt watching God doing all those miracles... so I have more cause to be afraid than they did.  HOWEVER, I have seen God deliver me out of multiple situations.  So then... why am I so afraid of whether the next deliverance will come?

I think... it's normal to wonder about God's provision, and maybe even be a little fearful, as God tests you by making you wait.  Regardless of how hard it is though, I think IT'S CRUCIAL to remember all the times God got you out of a jam in the past, and to draw on that in your current circumstances.  We must be people of faith!  And I question the depth of your faith if God has never gotten you out of a jam... that is the hallmark of the Christian faith, that God can be trusted.  We must trust the living God and know that he has a plan for us, that he will deliver us in his timing and not our own.

Next time you are in a situation where you need God's help... try to remember how God delivered you in the past.  And if you can, grumble as little as possible.  I do think God can handle our honesty if we are angry at him, but telling God "I don't trust you" is not going to acquire favor from the Lord for you.  Believe!  And trust in God's timing.  For God has a plan... he'll take care of us... but in his timing, not ours.  We must learn to trust and not grumble that God won't help us or that we were better off back in bondage.  Let us trust the Lord in all things, and believe his promises.  Our God is great.  Let us trust him in all things.

Why I Both Love and Hate "The Sermon on the Mount"

Before reading this entry, you might take a little time to become reacquainted with this sermon.  It is too long to put in this blog, so I will link it here.  

What I Love About This Sermon:

What I love about this sermon is the implied holiness of God.

You cannot come away from this sermon without realizing that when God says he is holy, that means an exceedingly high thing.  This sermon is a sermon no doubt Jesus followed, for he of all people would want his life to be built on the rock of these teachings.  If God is holy like this sermon, that to me means he is trustworthy, and that relying on him will keep us, each of us, safe.  I love any message that exemplifies the righteousness and goodness of God.

What I Hate About This Sermon:

These expectations are surreal.

No one can follow this sermon completely.  I believe Jesus himself had the strength to follow it, but... no one else.  It is very hard.  Some things in it I've incorporated into my life, like I try not to talk about any good deed I have done- I try to keep those things to myself.  If I do talk about them, it is to make some sort of point, not just to make myself look good.  Also, I've found the prayer in 6:9-13 to be very helpful to know how to pray.  Knowing how to pray is essential to following hard after God.  And of course the whole idea of laying up treasure in Heaven is very appealing to me- it is my life's work to store up as much treasure in heaven as I can.  But much of it is... very harsh.  "But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."  One of many impossible followings of Jesus.  I have been slapped before.  When it happened my mind was not on this sermon.  I did not retaliate, to my credit.  However, I did not turn the other cheek either.  I immediately reported it to the hospital authorities.  So I proved in that moment that this sermon is very difficult to follow- obeying God in moments like these is extremely difficult.  

If I were to break down every verse that is anywhere from "extremely difficult" to "wellnigh impossible for any mortal"... I would be going on and on.  One moment in particular stands out to me where I arguably dropped the ball- I was driving to a donut shop, ultimately on my way to Idaho from Corvallis (I was in Portland at this point, a place notorious for people who beg who are not really in need), when I missed the shop and had to turn around in this parking lot.  Out of nowhere this woman appeared and asked for financial assistance.  Now... in my defense, she did not seem to be in exceptional need- this was not a "Good Samaritan" moment where someone is obviously in dire straits due to zero fault of their own.  However, scripture is clear that if someone asks you for help you should help them, and Jesus even indicates in one particular passage in Matthew that we will all be judged based on how we treat "the least of these brothers of mine," which I've tended to interpret as meaning the homeless, the imprisoned... those whom life has been nasty and brutish.  However, in that moment I was unprepared.  Usually before someone asks me for help I have a moment to pray and ask God if he wants me to help someone or not, and in this case I had no such moment.  Moreover, my general way of handling the needy is not to give cash, but to go with the person in need and get them what they actually need, whatever that may be.  That is my practice.  And I had a tight schedule- I was meeting someone in Idaho later that day, and I did not want it to be super late when I go there as that was not even my final destination.  So I said no.  To this day I wonder if I sinned in that moment.

It's hard following this sermon.  Jesus did not sugarcoat what it means to be a disciple.  I wish it were easier.  I wish... I wish being a disciple was not... so intense.  Anyone who majors on Paul and the Pauline epistles may think that being a disciple is about grace, about "doing our best and accepting Jesus' forgiveness."  No.  Being a disciple is understanding just how terribly we measure up.  We don't just fail slightly... we are destitute and without hope except surrender to God.  We should put into practice as much of this sermon as we have capacity to- Jesus didn't preach this sermon as just some ideal that we can safely ignore.  We should try to follow it, fail, and wholly latch on to the notion that Jesus and his sacrifice are enough.  This sermon should teach us true humility, not a false pretense that God does not despise the way we live.  This sermon is a wakeup call, that all who call themselves disciples would do well to meditate on the plain teaching of scripture.

This is sermon is a hard word.  May we follow Jesus by following his teachings and learning to be like him.  Let us never take for granted the mercy God gives us.  Never.

Justice Here On Earth?

There is a conflict in scripture that I want to address here- the conflict of whether the wicked will be redressed here on earth, or whether our main hope of justice comes in eternity.

I think, any Christian you talk to is full of hope that justice will happen on earth.  We all want to see the wicked receive their comeuppance...  it's natural to want to see those that grievously sin against the Almighty get what should be coming to them in this life.  If I read Job carefully though, I hear another message.  Oftentimes in life, the wicked seemingly get away with all their sins.

We must learn to trust God with justice.  It's hard!  And frustrating.  I see people who are wicked who never seem to face any consequences for what they do... they have successful existences and seem to do whatever they want without consequences.  It bothers me.  I forget that the peace inside my heart is my own reward for walking faithfully before my God, and that my primary reward for doing good and living right before my maker is in heaven.  We forget so easily that justice does eventually come to everyone!  But hanging on to hope that all the wicked on earth will receive their comeuppance on earth is unrealistic.  Any careful reading of Job shows that one of Job's primary defenses against the accusation that he has sinned and that the trouble currently befalling him is God's justice for his sin, is the fact that even prosperity is no guarantee that one is righteous before his maker.  The wicked often prosper!  And even the times when consequences do befall the wicked, oftentimes those consequences seem minor in comparison to their vast sins.  And the righteous do often suffer, sometimes seemingly unfairly.  We must come to terms with the fact that oftentimes, only in eternity will justice be fully understood.

Don't believe that the wicked will get away with their wickedness forever.  We will all stand before our maker eventually.  God will reward those that gave themselves fully to himself and his will, and will punish those that chose their own way and whose hearts were callous to the plans of God and the needs around them.  I know it's nice to see the wicked reap what they sow on earth, and see the righteous flourish.  Lest we forget, our savior was crucified- if any righteous person deserved a long and happy life, it was Jesus, and they killed him in a really horrible way.  Our craving for justice may go unmet in this life, but it won't go unmet in eternity.  Remember that the next time you make a decision that honors God here on earth, or... the next time you ignore God and go your own way... we all reap what we sow.

Collateral Beauty

I just watched the movie "Collateral Beauty" for the umpteenth time (I may have even seen it twice while it was still in theaters, I loved it so much), but I realized I never spent time thinking about the collateral beauty of my situation.

I have been ground up into little pieces by the way my life has gone and experienced enough difficulty and trauma for three people, maybe more than three people.  Sometimes it's hard to see the collateral beauty.  However, regardless of how difficult it is, I'm going to attempt to write about it, here and now.

1) I really like who I've become

Seriously... I mean, I had some depth before 2009, I most certainly did.  I had already been through a lot at that point.  But 2009 on... was hell.  Things didn't really start to turn around until 2019, and things didn't actually seem alright until I acquired the therapist I have now and my current best friend.  Because of what all I've been through, I've developed perspective and insight.  I'm profoundly familiar with suffering.  To be fair, I wouldn't wish what has happened to me over the course of the first 40 years of being on this planet on my worst enemy.  There's no treasure that could be offered me- even treasure in heaven, which thieves cannot steal and moths can't destroy- that would be worth reliving my life the way that it happened.  Not a chance.  And yet... because of what happened, I can empathize with people who have led difficult lives.  I can.  That, I have the grinding to thank for.  

It's interesting.  If you'd asked me how I'm different now that I've been through all this... I mean, there's levels of naivete that we live in, about how hard life can be.  Don't get me wrong, I still don't know what it would be like to grow up not having feet, or... possibly other nasty situations I can't imagine, but... I know what it's like for life to be hard.  I do.  And that gives perspective.  It ruins the naivete, which blinds us from seeing just how hard life can be.  My naivete is gone.  And for that I am grateful.  I paid a hard price for losing that naivete, but I hope someday to be able to say it was worth it.  Maybe someday I will be able to say it was worth it, but I'm not there yet.

2) I like my current situation and my current trajectory

Things are moving upward in my life.  Habits are improving.  My lifestyle is getting healthier.  I don't know what my life would have been like had I not gone psychotic... it's an impossible question to answer.  Maybe this shouldn't be part of the collateral beauty of what has happened to me... I'm not sure on that point.  However, I like a lot about where I'm at.  I like my best friend I have, someone I probably would never have met if it weren't for the psychotic break.  I might still be working at the job I was working at the time of the break, which... was a difficult situation.  I would never have met my current therapist, who is really helping me.  I may never have met my pastor friend, whom I have much respect for.  I mean... when you think about bad things that happen to you and the way your life went differently because of the bad things that happened, it helps to realize that some good- even if it doesn't seem as good as what would have come if you hadn't gone through what you went through- does come out of it.

3) Shallow people were removed from my life.

This one is hard, because I miss some of those folks.  However, if you can't handle someone you know having a psychotic break such that you welcome them back in your life after they get better, in my humble opinion, you are shallow.  I'm not saying it's easy... few things that are worthwhile are easy... but if you want to serve God in all righteousness you have to be prepared to accept that things done while someone is ill can largely be attributed to their illness and should be let go of.  It's hard, you know?  I know it's hard, because there is someone in the periphery of my life who bullied me while I was in the hospital, and now they act like nothing ever happened and don't even acknowledge how they treated me in the hospital... admittedly it would be easier if they'd just... at least acknowledge what happened and say "I'm sorry you had to go through that," even if that's not a real apology it would be something.  However, it's my job to take my words to heart and try harder to let go of what happened.  She was ill.  I may not understand it perfectly well- in my experience, my illness didn't cause me to be... mean to people.  I was annoying- I'm not taking anything away from that- but I wasn't mean.  Most of what happened was more like... out of control, inappropriate kindness.  But I don't know what mental illness does to other people, so... I've got to forgive, just like I'm hoping others will let go of how I acted when I was ill.  And yes, I maintain that the people who couldn't handle my out of control kindness are shallow, and in my humble opinion I'm better off without them in my life.

4) My confidence in God's providence has deepened

During my breaks, there were two specific situations where God delivered me.  In one situation it was winter-like- I think it was March but there was snow everywhere and it was very cold.  I was following what I believed to be God's voice... whether I was or not is not all that important for this tale, but just so you know I had tried to follow God's voice before to get somewhere and it never worked when I had a specific destination in mind.  And I was... ill.  I was in the middle of a psychotic break.  Anyhow, I drove over the pass (which was an adventure in it of itself- praise God I didn't get into an accident), on my way towards Bend.  I was nervous... it was really cold.  If the voice had directed me to keep going beyond Bend, I could have had problems.  Instead, the voice told me I would not go beyond Bend (Bend, Oregon), which did comfort me some.  At some point the voice directed me to turn off the highway.  After I did this, I followed what seemed to me to be a series of random driving instructions... "Turn left here.  Turn right here" and so on.  AND SOMEHOW, BY SOME MIRACLE, I got turned around.  How that happened is very unclear to me.  I was shocked when I saw the sign said "Corvallis, #so many miles".  How that worked out that way, I have no idea.  It was amazing.  But the next story is the one that really takes the cake.

In this situation... once again following The Voice's instructions.  My plan was to go to Portland.  The Voice had other plans.  I ended up in southern California.  The fact that God protected me during all this driving is reason alone to praise the God I serve... I'm going to be honest, I don't think I was the best driver on the road that day.  However, I made it down to southern California without any accidents or any speeding tickets, and for that I'm quite grateful.  I took I-5 down.  After I got down there and I followed certain specific instructions going north, I wound up in Death Valley.  I had almost no money, no food, almost out of water, I had no cell phone... if ever there was a situation where I found myself in the care of God alone, it was it.  There was nothing within sight of the car where I parked the car.  God told me to walk.  So I walked.  And God told me not to hitchhike.  This turned out to be key- had I hitchhiked, who knows what would have happened to me.  For one thing, I probably would never have seen my car again, or... it would have been very difficult to get my car back.  For another... I would have had real problems getting home.  Getting home?  Getting real sleep alone would have been hard.  Basic needs that we take for granted every day would have quickly become serious problems for me to have to take care of.  

It's at this point God showed some level of provision.  I came across a convenient store that just so happened to be open in this microscopic town in the middle of freakin' nowhere- it was about 1 AM at this time, so the fact it was open was kind of amazing- and silly me- unaware of just how dire my situation was, and still being VERY psychotic- I just buy a small amount of jerky using pretty much the last of my funds, and I keep walking.  After I walked a sum total of 5 miles from my car (at least, that's what I was told- I really have no idea how far I walked), a police car pulled up behind me and basically rescued me.  Very grateful that policeman came back for me- he just barely saw me as he was driving by, and made a U-turn up ahead (the road was split between northbound and southbound, so turning around took some time- I didn't see him U-turn), drove back, made another U-turn, and came up behind me.  I was still very manic and psychotic, but it worked out.  Also, when I found out my dad was coming down to pick me up, I freaked- if it wasn't by some chance that I talked to a specific police officer, I don't know what exactly would have become of me.  It would have been more difficult for me to get home.  Grateful it worked out, me running into that officer and him being willing to help. 

Bottom line- I've learned that God can be trusted.  I KIND OF knew that before all this, but now I REALLY know that.  I know that I know that I know that God can be trusted.  Never would have gotten that without what has happened, and for that I'm grateful.

My prayer for all the readers who are here to look back on the difficulties of their lives and think on the collateral beauty of their situation.  I promise, it's there.  It may not seem to have been worth it- surely there are days when I wish I could go back in time and change how my life went- but I promise you it is there.  You just have to look for it.

Thoughts You Have At the End of Every Year

There are two times during a year when I think more deeply about my history so far and my future to come.  One is my birthday, and the other... is the week before the new year.

I'll be frank.  My life has most definitely NOT gone according to plan.  If my life had gone according to plan, I would have been married years ago.  YEARS AGO.  I'd already have a kid or more.  I'd have had a successful career, and I'd either be on to my second career or still enjoying my first career.  Life could have been so much different.  It didn't go that way, so here I am.

I could not have asked for a much more difficult first forty years of my life.  My life so far has been nasty and brutal.  I'm not sure it pays to describe just how nasty my life has been- I'm not making this post to get you to feel sorry for me.  What I am saying though, is that something profound has happened to me because of all the sheer misery I've experienced.  I've become circumspect.  I understand just how bad things can get.  I get that I need to appreciate my life now, which is qualitatively a thousand times better than it's been so far.  I need to respect the fact that even though my life is far from what I had always hoped for myself, that it still could be much worse than it is right now.

I don't know what to say about my past.  God forbid that I ever have to go through anything anywhere near as brutal as what my life has brought so far.  What I can say is that I have hope.  Where that hope comes from... I believe it comes from my faith.  Anyhow, my hope is that things will get better.  I realize that scripturally, I should maintain the attitude that regardless of whether things get better or things get worse that I should continually praise God and continue to maintain a positive attitude.  I'm struggling with that.  If even just the status quo continues to be the status quo for the next five to ten years, I've already told God that I don't want to live anymore.  Things have to get better.  I never wished to be single all this time.  I don't even know what to say about that.  I know that contentment is something highly touted in scripture.  I think that's easier to say for people who do have a romantic relationship in their life that they are happy about.  Those of us who do not, or worse have a romantic relationship that they are profoundly sad about- we don't get that.  So I must remind myself that there are worse things than being single.  But that doesn't help me feel better.  I don't even know what to say about that.

I'm not sure how to talk about the future in hopeful terms.  I have talked about the future in hopeful terms and been disappointed.  I've hoped and hoped and hoped, and have never seen my hopes fulfilled.  I'm convinced things will continue to get better- or better said, I'm HALF convinced.  The other half is filled with dread that the status quo will continue indefinitely.  I can't say anything about that.  I had no idea going into first grade that the life that was going to ensue was going to be this way.  I had no idea my peers were going to be so mean and nasty to me.  I had no idea I was going to join a church that was cultlike and where I would be somewhat ostracized for not being like everyone else, and where the pastor was abusive.  I had no idea I was only in the beginnings of mental illness issues that would plague me for the foreseeable future.  I didn't know.  I could go on.  I just didn't know that my life was going to be this hard.  I'm just grateful that I now have a therapist that empathizes with me, something that was sadly lacking in my other therapists.  

I wish I knew exactly what to say about my past.  Forgive me for kind of breaking my promise not to write about how hard my life has been.  Trust me when I tell you that I left out A LOT of the more brutal aspects of my history.  I believe if I told my whole story here, you'd weep for me.  You'd weep that someone went through so much.  You'd wonder why God would allow so much hellishness to happen to a single person.  And you'd feel sorry for me, something I didn't want you to do.  I can say though... as bad as my history has been... I'm aware that I BELIEVE God has better things to come.  And I need to hang on to that thought, or I'll go mad (again).

Looking Back On A Year In Scripture

I realize some of this, if not all of this, is repetitive with the rest of my most recent entries, but I want to talk about it all the same.  I read the whole Bible this year- the Old Testament once, the New Testament twice, and Psalms and Proverbs more than twice.  This is what really struck me in it's reading.  Also, the teachings of Mike Winger impacted me as well, though I don't agree with him on everything.

First of all, God is a proponent of the death penalty against capital offenses (murder mainly, but perhaps other extremely egregious crimes).  My feelings on this were less clear before this year- I wasn't really sure how God felt about it.  Now I'm pretty confident, even with Jesus' teachings against "eye for an eye," that Jesus would be for the death penalty, at least in capital murder convictions.

Next, God's views on abortion are less than clear- at least based on scripture.  I know long-time readers of my blog will know I'm prochoice, but... what I DIDN'T necessarily know is that there's a passage in Exodus where God actually teaches if a guy strikes a woman in the middle of a fight and she prematurely goes into labor and the baby dies, the guy is NOT to be killed, but to pay a sum of money.  This is very telling- because any cursory reading of Leviticus will tell you that if God thought a fetus was a human being, it would be "life for life."  To me this makes scripture's views more clear on the matter.  Other than that passage, there's very little in scripture pertaining to abortion.

Exodus 21:22 NASB1995:

“If men struggle with each other and strike a woman with child so that she gives birth prematurely, yet there is no injury, he shall surely be fined as the woman’s husband may demand of him, and he shall pay as the judges decide."

Another thing I've noticed- the gospels aren't so clear cut on salvation.  

The gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) in general teach salvation as more of a process- particularly the synoptic gospels (Mathew, Mark, and Luke).  John is the only gospel that talks about being "born again," and while it seems all gospels do mention accepting Jesus as the messiah as being a condition on going to Heaven, it isn't unanimous.  One passage teaches we'll be judged by how we treat "the least of these," which is different than being judged either by believing Jesus is the messiah, believing Jesus has been resurrected from the dead, or being "born again."  Also, there are multiple passages where it seems the poor are given preferential treatment by God- in the above passage it doesn't say how "the least of these brothers of mine" will be treated, and in the parable of "Lazarus and the rich man," it says nothing of the virtues of Lazarus, only that his life sucked so he got to basically go to heaven, while the rich man received his blessings on earth and then suffered for all eternity.  To me, salvation is not a clear-cut subject- but plainly the rich will be judged differently than the poor.  That much is clear from the gospels.

I think... a few other things I've noticed about God- God is all in on genealogies.  Why that is I don't know.  Throughout the Old Testament, whenever someone is mentioned it's always "son of <name here>."  This tradition is sometimes continued in the New Testament, but is much more common in the Old.  Also, God is ALL IN on the details.  Seriously.  Numbers are EVERYWHERE in the Bible.  You can't swing a proverbial dead cat without hitting a number, particularly in the Old Testament.  And the temple?  God cared about every single freakin' detail about the temple.  You could almost say that God is OBSESSED with the details.  Don't think God doesn't care about the little things- any cursory reading of scripture will tell you that with so-called little things... to God there is no such thing.

God sees vengeance very differently than the original crime.  Some people who have sinned like to look down on those that struggle to forgive, because a plain reading of Jesus indicates that God takes unforgiveness seriously.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Not only did Jesus ALSO preach hard about making amends when you've wronged someone, I think it was somewhat taken for granted in Jesus' sermons in the gospels that the audience understood that it was MUCH WORSE to sin against someone, than it was to be bitter about the sin committed.  Do not think for a second that God will be more lenient to a sinner who refuses to make amends with the person sinned against than for the person who is bitter about being sinned against.  This is an inaccurate view of scripture.  In the OT, God even sanctioned people taking justice into their own hands- even accidental killings!- God hates evildoers that much.  Do not think, if you've sinned against someone and not gone and apologized that you'll get away with it.  YOU WILL NOT.

I think this is a good percentage of what I've learned.  I'm planning on continuing to read the Bible- this time hopefully in an English Standard Version, to gain an even deeper understanding.  Also I'm hoping to start studying the Bible- I could use to deepen my knowledge of scripture even further.  

Thanks for reading.

Forgiveness and Ingratitude

Before you read this... I want to warn you.  This post spoils the first episode of the show, The Rehearsal.  It's a good show, and while this post doesn't spoil the whole show (I've only seen the first episode myself), if you have any intention of watching this show and want to really enjoy the first episode, I recommend not reading the rest of this post, going and watching the first episode on HBO Max, and then coming back to read what I had to say.  Now without further ado, here's my entry.

In the first episode (of what is either the first season or the only season of The Rehearsal), you meet a dude who likes to help people deal with tricky situations and in order to accomplish that, he does a lot of rehearsals so as to make sure things go off without a hitch.  He meets a guy who has a secret- he lied to his trivia team about how much education he had received- he told them he had a master's degree when he did not have one.  There was one member of the team that he thought wouldn't take the news well, so the show was all about rehearsing this meeting between this guy with the secret and this woman whom he was going to share the secret with, that he had lied to her and maintained this lie for years, and be coming clean to her.  Now this meeting was at a bar with a trivia contest, and the fact he didn't know the answers to some of the trivia questions was screwing up the rehearsals for the big meeting, so the initial dude who is helping the guy with the secret secretly gives the answers to the questions of the quiz in a way that the secret-keeper won't know that he's been given the answers, so that he'll do well in the trivia and therefore the confession will go well.  

Anyhow, the original confession goes better than expected.  The woman wasn't upset at all, she was good, even though he had lied all these years about having a master's degree, she didn't mind.  However, a very interesting thing happened after this- the helper guy confesses to the guy with the secret that he'd helped the guy succeed in the trivia contest, and the guy gets pretty upset.  He handles it MUCH WORSE than how the woman handled his confession of his secret, and is laid bare as hypocritical.  

I don't even know what to say.  Don't be like this guy.  This is an easy problem to solve- if you were really worried about the unfairness, give the prize back for winning the contest and move on.  He was UNGRATEFUL for the help, he was UNGRATEFUL that the woman took his confession so well... he was an ingrate.  He's worried that the audience of the show would judge him as not being able to answer the questions- instead, the audience of the show judged him as an ingrate.  Seriously... don't be like the secret-keeper in this episode.  If you've been forgiven much, freely forgive.  Remember The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant:

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

End of story

Seriously, don't be the unmerciful servant.  Remember- if people have been gracious to you, be gracious to others.  Right now I'm feeling convicted, because people have been merciful to me sometimes when I'm driving and I'm not always merciful to others... Lord, help us all remember that you've been merciful to us, let us be merciful to those around us.  Let us not be like the guy above, who forgot that he was just forgiven a lot, and should extend the same courtesy to the guy who helped him.  Let us not acquire your wrath by not being merciful to those that sin against us, particularly when they are wise enough to apologize... may we be the righteous servant that extends mercy to those that sin against us.  Help us forgive, as you forgive us.  Amen.

Covetousness and Envy

Let's start this off with the words of the Tenth Commandment-

Exodus 20:17 (NIV):

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

What exactly does this mean?

I think it means to be careful with the thought "I wish that exact person or thing belonged to me." as in "I wish that woman was my wife." or "I wish that exact car was mine."  

I think... I think it's okay to say "I wish I had a wife" or "I wish I had a car."  I admit, I believe scripture is a little less clear here.  Certainly scripture teaches that we should be content with what we have, but I don't know that general discontent is, in it of itself, a sin.

I also ponder what this means in terms of using porn or masturbating.  I've heard many times that using porn is the same thing as lusting... and maybe it is for some people, I'm not sure.  For me, using porn is my way of saying "I wish I had a wife" or "I wish to have an orgasm."  For me, the woman on screen is not someone I necessarily want to marry... I've never masturbated over an image and thought to myself "I wish that woman was my wife."  I mean, I'm just being candid here- I know this might be a bit much for some people, but... this is a prevalent issue within the church, and I struggle with it, so I thought it might make sense to shed light on it.  Please don't misunderstand me- I'm not saying that Jesus necessarily condones masturbating to porn, I'm purely saying that I don't think masturbating to porn is necessarily breaking the 10th commandment as laid out in Exodus, and it's even somewhat ambiguous to me whether it breaks the proscription in Matthew about "lusting after your neighbor's wife"... I think it's less clear cut than that.  But I digress.

I think we all need to be wary of coveting things that don't belong to us and never can belong to us.  If you covet a car that's for sale that's within your price range, go out and buy it.  Don't just lust over it.  At the same time, it's important that you are careful how you think about possessions of rich people that are beyond your capacity to buy or men or women who are married to other people- it is DEFINITELY outside the bounds of what scripture teaches as OK for you to meditate on wanting to have something you clearly cannot have.  In fact, this kind of meditation- even if it's on a man or woman who is single but has rejected you, is dangerous.  We all need to be cautious how we handle the things around us we'd like to have but can't have.  "May the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, oh Lord."  I think that should be the cry of all our hearts.  

Another thing... lust tells God "I don't like your plan for my life.  I want a different plan that is outside the scope of what I morally can have."  Seriously, God frowns on envying what other people have.  It's a real problem.  Contentment does matter to God- but it's especially important not to envy what others have, because there may be no real path to having that itch scratched outside of hatching a plan similar to what Jezebel hatched to give Ahab Naboth's vineyard, and that was despicable.  No one wants to be like that.  God takes theft of other's property so serious that he says "don't even think about it." 

If you are curious, here is the whole Naboth's vineyard tale:

Naboth's Vineyard (1 Kings 21:1-24) 

21

Some time later there was an incident involving a vineyard belonging to Naboth the Jezreelite. The vineyard was in Jezreel, close to the palace of Ahab king of Samaria. 2 Ahab said to Naboth, “Let me have your vineyard to use for a vegetable garden, since it is close to my palace. In exchange I will give you a better vineyard or, if you prefer, I will pay you whatever it is worth.”

3 But Naboth replied, “The Lord forbid that I should give you the inheritance of my ancestors.”

4 So Ahab went home, sullen and angry because Naboth the Jezreelite had said, “I will not give you the inheritance of my ancestors.” He lay on his bed sulking and refused to eat.

5 His wife Jezebel came in and asked him, “Why are you so sullen? Why won’t you eat?”

6 He answered her, “Because I said to Naboth the Jezreelite, ‘Sell me your vineyard; or if you prefer, I will give you another vineyard in its place.’ But he said, ‘I will not give you my vineyard.’”

7 Jezebel his wife said, “Is this how you act as king over Israel? Get up and eat! Cheer up. I’ll get you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite.”

8 So she wrote letters in Ahab’s name, placed his seal on them, and sent them to the elders and nobles who lived in Naboth’s city with him. 9 In those letters she wrote:


“Proclaim a day of fasting and seat Naboth in a prominent place among the people. 10 But seat two scoundrels opposite him and have them bring charges that he has cursed both God and the king. Then take him out and stone him to death.”

11 So the elders and nobles who lived in Naboth’s city did as Jezebel directed in the letters she had written to them. 12 They proclaimed a fast and seated Naboth in a prominent place among the people. 13 Then two scoundrels came and sat opposite him and brought charges against Naboth before the people, saying, “Naboth has cursed both God and the king.” So they took him outside the city and stoned him to death. 14 Then they sent word to Jezebel: “Naboth has been stoned to death.”

15 As soon as Jezebel heard that Naboth had been stoned to death, she said to Ahab, “Get up and take possession of the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite that he refused to sell you. He is no longer alive, but dead.” 16 When Ahab heard that Naboth was dead, he got up and went down to take possession of Naboth’s vineyard.

17 Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah the Tishbite: 18 “Go down to meet Ahab king of Israel, who rules in Samaria. He is now in Naboth’s vineyard, where he has gone to take possession of it. 19 Say to him, ‘This is what the Lord says: Have you not murdered a man and seized his property?’ Then say to him, ‘This is what the Lord says: In the place where dogs licked up Naboth’s blood, dogs will lick up your blood—yes, yours!’”

20 Ahab said to Elijah, “So you have found me, my enemy!”

“I have found you,” he answered, “because you have sold yourself to do evil in the eyes of the Lord. 21 He says, ‘I am going to bring disaster on you. I will wipe out your descendants and cut off from Ahab every last male in Israel—slave or free.[a] 22 I will make your house like that of Jeroboam son of Nebat and that of Baasha son of Ahijah, because you have aroused my anger and have caused Israel to sin.’

23 “And also concerning Jezebel the Lord says: ‘Dogs will devour Jezebel by the wall of[b] Jezreel.’

24 “Dogs will eat those belonging to Ahab who die in the city, and the birds will feed on those who die in the country.”

End of text

This passage illustrates just how dangerous covetousness is. Don't be like Ahab. Or David when he coveted Bathsheba. Remember- God has a plan for all of us. It's a good plan. Don't covet what belongs to others. Be satisfied with God's plan for your life. It may seem to you that David got away with coveting Bathsheba, but... after this incident, trouble never left David's house. His consequences for his sin lasted for all the rest of his life. Be very wary of coveting what belongs to your neighbor. That's dangerous stuff.

Celebrities Going To Heaven?

I'm not at heaven's gates, but I have read the gospels...

For some reason, modern culture likes to assume that if someone was rich and famous, and provided them with laughs, enjoyment, or entertainment, that that means that when they die they are going to heaven.

I don't know any of these people. I don't know their hearts, or exactly where they stand with God. I do know that the things I just listed are absolute rubbish to God.

You can't get into heaven because you entertained people. You can't get into heaven by being rich and famous. Getting into heaven has to do with having a relationship with God. If Jesus's parables are to be believed, if you suffered a lot on Earth that means if you weren't rotten to the core there's a good chance there's a place for you in heaven. Jesus didn't mince words, particularly when he told the parable of Lazarus and the rich man:

 
Luke 16:19-31, New International Version

The Rich Man and Lazarus

19 “There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20 At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21 and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

22 “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23 In Hades, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24 So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’

25 “But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26 And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been set in place, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’

27 “He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my family, 28 for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’

29 “Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’

30 “‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’

31 “He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’”

I think... if I were to understand this correctly, being wealthy on Earth means you have an added responsibility to care for people around you, and to live by faith for God and not just preserving your financial success on Earth.  Based on a cursory reading of the gospels, I would say that Jesus isn't the hugest fan of people who are wealthy on Earth but not wealthy towards God.  If you are wealthy towards God, then you will tend to see your earthly treasures as a way to acquire heavenly treasure.  God cares A LOT about how we see our money and possessions.  So... read the gospels.  The above passage isn't the only one- Jesus is very unambiguous about his feelings about people who are wealthy on earth but haven't really done any due diligence about being right with God.  God cares more about what you have left over than what you give, so next time you give a big gift, remember- it's how big a gift it was TO YOU that matters more than how big it seems to the world.

I say all this as a warning.  Be wary of being attached to your earthly possessions.  It's fine to have them, but at some point God may demand something of you, and hopefully you'll be up to the task to give God what he asks.  Your possessions aren't really "yours;" in fact we're all really stewards of what is in our lives- hopefully we'll be found to be good at taking care of what God handed to us as well as using what God gave us for his glory.  As Jesus said:  "Beware of all forms of greed...."

Judgment About Killing or Avenging the Death of a Loved One

You can learn a lot about how God sees things by reading the Old Testament, in this case Numbers 35 in particular.

For example, you learn that if someone kills one of your loved ones (even by accident!) the Old Testament law basically states that you have the right to kill the person who killed your loved one.

Now I don't think, with the revolution that Jesus brought about loving one's enemies that this is still in effect, plus it is against the laws of this world.  I don't think people should go around avenging the deaths of loved ones by killing the perpetrator- particularly when we have a perfectly good legal system for dealing with this.  

HOWEVER, what this DOES teach is that God sees things VERY differently, in some ways than you or I.  We assume that killing is killing, and that each death should be basically considered equally.  Now truth be told, I think juries tend to look at someone avenging the death of a loved one differently than the original murder, but it should be clear from Numbers 35 that God himself sees it much differently.  In the Old Testament, God doesn't even see the avenger as a murderer.  I think we should be careful how we look at people who kill people who have killed the first person's loved one.  That is different to an extreme degree.  I don't know what to say.  I was raised that basically to kill anyone, even if the state did it to a murderer in the form of the death penalty, is wrong, and should be avoided.  Now I'm not so sure.  Honestly I thought the death penalty should be reserved for extreme cases, such as serial murderers- now I'm not so sure.  Also, this changes how we look at people who attack people who are committing crimes against them.  It does somewhat justify some of the self-defense laws on the books, as far as how God sees them.  If you really are defending yourself, God sees that much differently than how he sees the perpetrator.

I realize that some people may not find this interesting.  Maybe it's obvious to everyone else, at least everyone else that wasn't raised Mennonite.  To me though, this was revelatory.  I don't read scriptures very often that have a profound impact on how I see things.  This scripture did, however.  I'll never look at killing people the same again.  If the Bible teaches in the Old Testament that a man has the right to kill someone who killed a loved one, how much more should we be cautious over judging a prechristian over the killing of someone who killed their loved one?  Food for thought.

Can Someone Who is LDS Be... Saved?

I just watched this video here, and Dallas basically says that he knows... Mormons that he considers to be... saved.  I want to talk about this subject at length.

After watching this video, I can't help but think that Dallas doesn't really understand the issues at hand.  The problem isn't the idea that someone in some people group couldn't be saved- I mean sure, theoretically speaking a Buddhist or a Hindu could theoretically come to Christ and somehow stay Buddhist or Hindu, but from the outside looking in that seems unlikely.  The thing is, Mormon theology is about humans earning their way to Heaven by various acts they do on earth, including tithing to the Mormon Church, having a Temple marriage, amongst other things.  They (in general) believe that Jesus's sacrifice is not enough, and that salvation requires good deeds.  The problem with this is that it means our salvation is more on us than on Jesus, and that we can look at our growing faith with pride and say in our hearts "I did that.  I earned my way to Heaven."

This is not at all what the Christian theology teaches.  Sure, we DISPLAY our faith by our works, HOWEVER we do not DEFINE our faith by our works.  These are two different things.  Displaying our faith is where the outflowing of our lives demonstrate the goodness of God.  It's the natural consequence of being loved by God.  If a feral dog comes into a loving environment, usually with time, exercise, discipline and affection, such a dog becomes friendly and beloved by the family as a good dog.  The dog doesn't do good works to earn the good graces of his master, it's simply a byproduct of being loved.  In the same way, a new Christian is changed from the inside out by the love of the master, and in time loves themselves, because they are overflowing with love.  They aren't worried about whether their good deeds are good enough to get into some level of heaven (yes, Mormons believe in multiple levels of heaven- at least, those totally familiar with all the Mormon writings that have been written do), they know their good deeds aren't worth a hill of beans compared to the knowledge of salvation that comes through Jesus and Jesus alone.

Is what Dallas said in the video above true from a technical perspective?  I suppose.  If someone in Mormonism was not overly familiar with the teachings of Mormonism over the last 150-200 years comes to believe that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life and that no man comes to the Father except through me... okay.  If someone stays in the Mormon church to try to get people out of Mormonism, as sort of a spy working against the system- I say that's dangerous work (not only would I imagine LDS elders would take this very seriously if such a person was found out, I think spending that much time with Mormons in general probably wouldn't be especially good for one's spiritual health), but sure... if one were successful without going astray, that would be admirable work.  However, as a general rule, following Mormon theology at its core is unhealthy and leads to self centered faith rather than a Jesus-centered faith.  Mormon theology is antithetical to Christian thought, because it promotes pride, not humility.  It promotes spiritual pride, in fact.  CS Lewis thought that spiritual pride was one of the worst vices a person could have (read The Screwtape Letters if you don't believe me).  The spiritual pride of thinking you are superior to the people you know because your works help you earn your way to Heaven is disgusting to me.

To give you an idea of how much Jesus hates spiritual pride, let's look at the parable of the pharisee and the tax collector (Luke 18:9-14, NIV):

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

End of Quote

Jesus does not approve of having a self-centered faith.  Humility is one of the main hallmarks of the Christian faith.  Could there be Mormons that are saved?  Sure.  Are there people in Evangelical churches that aren't saved?  I believe so.  HOWEVER, LDS theology is not compatible with Christianity.  If you want to serve God wholeheartedly, you need to recognize that LDS theology is, at it's core, teaching a different gospel than what Jesus and also Paul taught, and I believe, if you buy into the thinking that the LDS church is truly based on, you are playing with serious fire.  God will not tolerate spiritual pride in anyone, regardless of what faith a person follows.  God takes this very seriously.  You should too.

School Shootings

I have a confession.  I empathize more with most if not all of the school shooters more than I empathize with the victims.

I was abused... A LOT in school.  Some of it physical abuse.  A lot of it verbal abuse.  All of it bad.

There's a part of me that wishes I had gone to school and shot up the place.  It's a part of me that I don't especially like, and not a part of me I really like to talk about, but it is a part of me.

From my perspective, schools are extremely lax in dealing with peer abuse.  They don't do shit.  Sometimes they even punish the victim for standing up for him/herself.  Schools are nasty.

There are moments when I think about what I went through that I feel true rage about what that abuse did to me.  I don't understand why no one gave a shit, why I had to go through all that essentially alone.  And I was alone for a lot of it.  I don't even know what to say about it.

I look back on sixth grade with horror.  Sixth grade was a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.  I experienced peer abuse through most of my schooling, but sixth grade is when it raged out of control.  No one stepped in to help.  I was in hell on earth, and it sucked.  If I was told I could be a trillionaire and all I had to do was relive the sixth grade without any of the wisdom I've acquired with age or any of the maturity I have now- that is, relive the sixth grade as it actually happened in the first place, I would tell the person making the offer to go fuck themselves.  No amount of money would make it worth it.

I realize this isn't the most uplifting post.  I realize that there have been people killed in school shootings who absolutely didn't have it coming, and some school shootings that really don't make sense.  I'm not saying that what happens in school shootings is justice, for I think many times school shooters don't get the worst offenders and instead shoot people largely indiscriminately, and honestly there are no winners in school shootings.  Oftentimes the shooter(s) kill themselves, leaving a bloody wake behind them.  But I understand where that rage comes from, and I wish more could be done to deal with all the abuse that happens in schools.

As I'm trying to deal with all the damage that happened to me at the hands of my peers, I'm at a serious loss as to how to deal with it.  Honestly, I've experienced as much horror in many ways as an adult as I did as a kid.  My adulthood honestly, in many ways, hasn't been better.  The abuse I've experienced as an adult was often more subtle, but in many ways just as bad and often insidious.  I don't know how to deal with my life in some ways; sometimes the anger is too much.  But my years in school were pretty bad and I wish more could be done to prevent bullying.  I wish... instead of focusing on gun control, that more could be done to reduce the amount of peer abuse that happens in schools.  You reduce that, and you solve the real problem and even without stricter gun control laws you'll see a reduction in school shootings.  Because it's the rage that drives the shootings.  That is the real problem.

Thirsty For Grace

 I'm rereading the gospels right now...

I'm struck by how hard a man Jesus was.

It's interesting to me that people take the teachings of Paul and run with it.  I'm not saying the propitiation isn't real, but damn.  When Jesus says things like "anyone who, after deciding to follow me looks backward is not worthy of me" (paraphrased)... I mean there are SO MANY THINGS JESUS SAID THAT WERE RUTHLESS.  Jesus was a fireball of intensity.  I don't know who people think they are, reading the Bible and believing they are Heaven bound.  No one can read the gospels and say "I've made it."  No one.  Jesus just set the bar so effing high that I can't imagine anyone thinking that they were a success in Jesus's eyes.

And yet, the lowly and the downtrodden, the sinners and the tax collectors, all loved him and wanted to be around him.  Huh?

How can the guy who says "He who doesn't hate his father and mother isn't worthy of me" and "My flesh is real food and my blood real drink" attract the lowly of the world to follow him everywhere?  Who is this lunatic who says "I am the way, the truth, and the light- no one comes to the Father except through me."?

I've been a follower of Jesus for a long time.  Honestly my commitment to Christ deepened in 1997- that's when I tell people I was born again, though truthfully I was probably saved in the 6th grade and just became a disciple in '97.  And yet in this season, I'm nervous.  Jesus makes me nervous.

I don't know what to say.  I don't know how anyone can read the gospels and think "I'm going to Heaven."  The sheep from the goats?  Has anyone ever ALWAYS helped EVERYONE that has asked them for help?  I don't even know what to say to that.  There have been times when I've helped people who have asked me for help.  Then there was that time I was driving and on my way to Idaho, and this person came out of nowhere and asked me for money, and I said no.  This still haunts me.  Perhaps I was supposed to help them?  I dunno.

Jesus scares me.  If you've spent a lot of time in Paul's epistles, you might feel quite safe about your salvation.  Maybe take some time to reread the gospels with open eyes to think "What if this is how I'll be judged."?  What if Jesus does separate the sheep from the goats?  What if we'll be judged for how we viewed God and whether we took full advantage of all the talents God has given us?

I don't know how anyone can look at the gospels and not be nervous about eternity.  My only hope is that I truly believe that Jesus is merciful.  I remember what Jesus said to the thief on the cross- "Today you will be with me in paradise."  If that's the mercy for the thief on the cross, MAYBE there's room in Heaven for me.

The Greatest Temptation I Overcame

So... when I was manic/psychotic some... I think it seven or eight years ago, I took my car for a journey to California.  After a lot of driving and following directions in my head, and after having gone as far south as Los Angeles, I eventually ended up in Death Valley.

I parked my car off the side of the road.  The voice I thought was God (whether it was or not is very debatable... I honestly don't know) told me to rest.  I slept for multiple hours in my car.  I woke up and was cold, and God told me to get out of my car and walk down this highway.  This became one of the toughest temptations I ever faced.  Being 700 miles from home, with no cell phone and very little money, the temptation is to stick out a thumb and hitchhike.  But God wouldn't let me.  He told me NOT to stick out my thumb and to just keep walking.  I did stumble across a small convenience store in this very small village along the road I was on, and I believe I went in, and using the little amount of funds I had left I bought something to eat or drink, I don't remember what.  Then I kept walking.  In total I walked five miles without sticking out my thumb even one time.

If ever I was at risk, it was on this trip in that situation.  Had I stuck out my thumb, WHO KNOWS how long it would have taken to get home.  I think all manner of evil could have befallen me had I gotten a ride.  And I probably never would have seen my car again.  It would have been terrible.  Because of my obedience, a policeman stopped behind me and picked me up, giving me a ride to a hospital for care.  He contacted my parents, and got them to come down to help me.  Of the possible outcomes for this trip, it could have been worse.  But I am grateful that I was obedient, regardless of what you think of the voice inside my head- had I not listened to the voice, any number of things could have happened.  I might have gotten a ride, taken somewhere else, and dropped off somewhat "closer" to home, yet arguably infinitely further from home, simply because my path home from there on would be hitching rides, and that might take a very long time.  I am grateful that I was obedient.  Thank God for having me trust him and for his deliverance.

Why It's Good For Anyone To Read Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings Books

I think these books get a bad rap among some Christians as being "demonic" because they involve magic.

If I want to... get past someone's defenses and really speak Christian truth to someone without raising any alarm bells or making it obvious that I'm teaching kingdom principles, I've got to find a way to teach the Kingdom without raising the alarm.  That's what Harry Potter and what the various Lord of the Rings books do.  JK Rowling and JR Tolkien both had living faiths in God, and their faiths are conveyed in their writings.  Christianity works best when it's NOT in your face.  

I see video footage of people burning various books and stuff... as a Christian, I can kind of see burning Ouija boards and items that actually pertain to witchcraft, but... Harry Potter?  Any Christian that wants to burn Harry Potter books hasn't actually READ Harry Potter to see what was inside.  We as believers need to be smarter than this.  I can see why someone might burn a Satanic Bible, or something else that could lead someone astray, but Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings books have the Christian faith all over it, and we've got to be better than that.

Honestly, I think... it's better if we don't get publicized when we destroy REALLY demonic stuff either.  Seriously, the world doesn't understand the danger that some of these things pose, and it just looks like we want to burn books.  I think... burning books, at the core, is risky- it may cause the kids there to have an overactive interest in the books being burned.  Why are those books being burned, they ask... so they read them.  And to be fair, there are plenty of books that I think could do real damage to a person that I think we'd be better off NOT burning, and instead invest our time trying to reach the people who love those books.  I dunno.  I think book burning is double edged.  We must be careful about what we do, or the world will become fixated on the things we detest.

I think at the core, we should focus on reaching people with God's love, more than just destroying occultic objects.  Are there objects that should be destroyed?  I can see that.  But try not to make the news while you are destroying them.  I don't think the world gets it, or helps anyone seeing you destroy stuff brings them closer to God.

Don't Envy the Wealthy and Famous!

I always thought this post went without saying.  If you are made new in Christ, you are a new creation, and you have a home in Heaven and the opportunity to amass treasure in Heaven.  Why then envy those who in all likelihood won't even go to Heaven?!?  Seriously.  They are not to be envied.  Compare and contrast these two songs:

Me Too 

This World

What it comes down to, is what do you want?  Do you want God and to live forever in Heaven?  Do you want to be rich in Heaven?  Or do you want to be rich here and not even go to Heaven?

For those who point out that Christians can be wealthy here on earth, OK, but that should never have been our focus.  We should not focus on amassing wealth in this life.  That is not why we are here.  We are here to bring glory to our maker and amass treasure in Heaven.  If you look at the rich, powerful, and famous with envy, you are playing with fire.  I tell you the truth- many times I've hated my life for as hard as it has been.  In the midst of how hard it has been and all the trials I've been through, I've never told myself "Wouldn't it be nice to be one of the rich and famous who have no treasure in Heaven and are, in all likelihood, not even going to Heaven?"  NO!  Seriously.  I've paid too steep a price for the relationship I have with God to envy people with money.  I tell you the truth, it's DANGEROUS to envy the rich and famous.  You are playing with fire.  God will not take such a violation of the 10th commandment lightly.  Remember- blood was spilled so you could go to Heaven and live eternally with God.  Why would you want to screw around with the thought of having what the rich and famous have on earth, knowing they generally have nothing in Heaven?  Remember, it is hard for someone who is rich and famous on earth to go to Heaven.  Few will make it, and the few that do may have very little treasure.  Remember that when Jesus was talking about giving, he pointed out a poor widow who gave next to nothing gave more than the rich did, because she gave all she had to live on, whereas the rich gave out of the extra money they would not miss.  Do not think that Bill Gates or Warren Buffett are giving more than you because they are giving more money- Jesus plainly taught that the one who gave the most is the one where the gift actually cost them personally.  Seriously.  Do not envy the wealthy or the famous.  They will be exposed as having little to nothing when they get to Heaven.  Set your sights on Heavenly treasure, and do not let up until you reach Heaven.