Taking Salvation For Granted

Fundamentally, we must understand that "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom."  This means that, to be wise, one must first fear the Lord.

What does that mean, to fear the Lord?  I believe it means that we're always aware of the precarious state we are in, that we are not given any guarantee that life will go our way or that we will inherit Heaven, simply because we prayed a prayer or some such nonsense.

I'm not saying we need to walk on eggshells.  Just a simple understanding that we can't just do exactly what we want to do all the time and in every situation, because we all know that God is judge and he can do what he likes with us.  We must choose to never presume upon God's kindness.  If we do presume upon God's kindness, it is possible that we can begin to believe that we may do whatever we like without worrying about any kind of repercussions, and this is an unhealthy place to be for any follower of God.

Please don't misunderstand me- I'm not espousing any kind of works-based religion here.  It is the condition of your heart that you must be cognizant of, not the status of your works.  Your heart can be hard or soft, and a hard heart is more dangerous than any sin ever could be.  A hard heart will keep you out of the kingdom of God.  A soft heart is pliable in the hands of God, and it's a heart God can move towards compassion and kindness.  Good deeds wrought from a good, soft heart, without the purpose of personal glory but instead desiring to help and aid one's fellow man is a heart destined for the kingdom of Heaven. 

Always remember that Jesus taught several parables about salvation, and none of the parables did it talk at all about accepting Jesus's death and resurrection as being the basis for getting into Heaven.  Instead, Jesus talked about masters who give talents to servants and then leave, coming back much later to see what they have done with the talent.  Or separating the sheep from the goats- judging people based on how they treated the least of these brothers of mine.  Fundamentally, how we respond to God's invitation to really live as emissaries of the kingdom of Heaven is what will demonstrate on Judgment Day that our hearts were soft and that we cared about what Jesus cared about, and therefore we are fit for Heaven.

Grieving

I should grieve.

No, I haven't lost a love one.  I lost my life.

It's true, I didn't commit suicide.  But I lost everything that mattered to me.  My sense of control over how things go, multiple friends, my job, the place I lived... I lost it all.  How did I lose all this you ask?  I went insane.

You know... it should be a simple thing to grieve losing so much.  However, there is no funeral when you lose your life like I did.  There are no cards that say "Sorry for your loss." in reference to losing one's life from having a break from reality.  There is nothing.  I'm just left to try to put my life back together, and I don't know how.

I realize this isn't a feel-good post.  I wish I knew what to tell myself.  "It will get easier."  Well, I suppose that's true, but for the past 12 years I've been somewhat in denial of how much was lost.  You know, before the hospitalization I was friends with a guy I'll call Jim.  That's not his real name, but that's what I'll call him here.  Anyhow, Jim and I were really close.  We were best friends.  Then mental illness hit.  He wouldn't talk to me or have anything to do with me.  My theory is his then girlfriend, who I hear he eventually married, didn't want to be associated with anybody who... "wasn't well."  You know, that really bites.  I lost one of my closest friends because of this illness.  The other stuff I lost was hard, but that was the hardest.

For the past two years and 2.5 months, I've been doing well.  Before that, it was constantly shifting medication, and two trips to the hospital.  Only now I'm realizing I need to grieve.  I don't know how!  I don't know how to let go of my failed existence!  You know, in a very real sense I lost my life because of my obsession with doing what God says.  I hope that that verse "those that lose their life for my sake will find it."  I'd like to find my life again.  In the meantime I would be doing well to grieve the losses I experienced.  It's just so hard...

Media Consumption

What does it mean to consume media that is antithetical to your faith?

I was posed this question.  I was asked if I consumed media that was against my faith.  I think Christians have the wrong idea of what it means.

You can watch videos that are secular.  You absolutely can.  And that's not going to hurt your faith.  Stuff that hurts your faith are stuff with a slant that is antithetical to Kingdom thought.  For example, I wouldn't recommend to any believer that they listen to secular rap music.  Why you say?  Because it very clearly is slanted in an unhealthy way.  

What else is unhealthy?

I would say that it just varies from movie to movie.  For example, the Christopher Nolan Batman movies- I'd totally recommend them.  Batman in those movies is in a lot of ways a picture of Christ.  Yes, it's hard to picture Christ beating up the criminal population of the city, HOWEVER... did you notice that he doesn't generally use guns?  He tries not to kill people.  That's a rule he follows- "No killing.  No guns."  Also, at the end of "The Dark Knight" when Batman says "The Joker must not win.  I can do those things."  He takes the blame for Two-face's crimes!  Who else do we know that basically took the blame for someone else's crimes?  Jesus of course!  There's a lot of positive imagery in the Christopher Nolan Batman series.  I have lots of respect for the thought that went into that series.  So... whether something is antithetical to Christianity is more complex than just "It was made by a secular media company."

You want other movies with Kingdom slants?  How about The Shawshank Redemption?  That one has the kingdom all over it.  It helps that Stephen King is a Christian, who tries a more nuanced approach to sharing his faith than something in your face.  Same thing with "The Green Mile."  There are many movies with Kingdom themes that are not totally obvious.  Even people who aren't believers can make things that are not totally useless or unhelpful.  For example, I just watched Iliza Shlesinger's comedy specials on Netflix, and while I wouldn't recommend children watching that, I would say that there is stuff that can be gleaned about life on earth that you can get from comedies.  There are lots of things like that.  Is EVERYTHING like that?  I don't think so, but for a Christian to refuse to watch something, I think it needs to be for a better reason than "there's swearing in it" or "people are drunk in it or talk of people being drunk is in it."  Just... you want something that will dry you out spiritually?  How about Star Trek? 

Star Trek was written from the slant that their is no God.  Aside from the episodes with Q in it (Q is basically a god), God is written out of the series and Roddenberry is coming from the perspective that in the future, humanity "evolved" such that man didn't need spirituality any more.  You want something to dry you out spiritually and feeling sad?  Star Trek will tend to do that.  I love the Q episodes, by the way, but then Q and Data are the only interesting characters in Star Trek The Next Generation.  My point is- you need to think DEEPLY about what is spiritually enriching and what is actually going to suck the life out of your heart.  A lot of stuff is neutral.  Beware of watching something with an atheistic slant however.  Beware of watching movies that don't try to give you anything useful to chew on or part any wisdom to you.  All the movies I like, all try to give the watcher something to think about.  If all you are being is entertained, beware...

Transgender/Pronouns

First of all, let me say that I don't know what it's like to have the thinking that "I'm something other than what I am."  I don't know what that feels like.  I hope this post doesn't come off as insensitive.

I think... I think it costs Christians very little to acknowledge someone through preferred pronouns.  I know that there are Christians who aren't going to do that, because they feel "if I use the pronouns they like, they'll think I approve and I don't."  The question I have to ask someone who has this mindset is, what are you trying to accomplish and what WILL be accomplished by ignoring their wishes?

I assume what you are trying to accomplish is to somehow get the person involved to realize they are wrong.  I'm going to be frank, believing you are a different gender than what you were born with seems a little akin to stating with certainty you are a poached egg.  This may be offensive to any transgender person who is reading this, but that's how I see it.  But even if someone did come up to me and tell me that they were a poached egg, my first instinct wouldn't be to correct them or try to fix them.  I would say to you that believing you are something different than you are is probably a mental health issue, and I'm pretty sure that just trying to directly fix them is not going to work.  That means that using the pronouns you prefer (their birth pronouns) and trying to directly fix them is going to get you nowhere.  Is that what Jesus taught?  I just don't see Jesus going this route, because Jesus's primary goals were about drawing someone closer to God, and I don't see that correcting people such that you make them mad is drawing them closer to God.

It all comes down to priorities.  We should make a stand when it's worth something.  Sometimes you have to make principled stand because righteousness is on the line.  I don't think it's on the line in this situation.  Yes, it is possible that someone might get the idea that you approve of them being a different gender than they are born with.  Is that really so bad?  They might also get the idea that God loves them.  To me that's far more important than them thinking you don't approve of them saying they are a different gender than they were born with.  I'd rather someone go to Heaven and be surprised that they really were the gender they were born with, than go to hell knowing full well they were the gender they were born with.

We got to keep our priorities straight.  Tough love may be... tempting... but in this case I think it's not necessary or helpful.

Poems I wrote in class, roughly... six years ago

 I realize this is a bit off-topic, and I know that those people who appreciate my writings about faith and such may not like me deviating so much from what I typically share here, but... I wanted to show my facebook friends my poems with the appropriate spacing, so... I thought I would post them here.  The second poem is more on topic, but honestly it isn't as good as the first.  I hope you all enjoy my poetry here.

More Than Just A Board Game

The black and white, checkered eight-by-eight grid is a

brutal

battleground
for those who brawl with their minds.
The cavalier, whose name is flame,
with the face of a mustang

leaps

        OVER

        infantry.
He fights with the passion of a hundred red roses.
The cleric, whose name is iceberg,

dispatches the enemy

like

            a

                        cobra.
His motion is ebony or ivory.
The watchtower, whose name is duty,
is more precious than the priest or the paladin.
Its vision is direct and

unwavering, and its relentless defence of the

monarch

is

unyielding.
The empress, whose name is omnipotent,
her allure is found in knowing the secrets of

the pontiff and the                                                           citadel...
Her

                        fury

                                                      is

a         stream               of                                               lava.
the kaiser, whose name is victory
though fragile and hidden away

through most of the conflict
reveals his fortitude

in

the

end.

His confidence is a Himalayan mountain.
Finally the foot soldier, whose name is army ant
alone not so tough
as a company they are a swarm
destroying all they see

and everything

in

their

way.
All moving in consort 
they are capable of rivalling in beauty

to

a cloudless, starry night on the beach
to those who comprehend the secrets of the sixty-four squares.

The Rocks Cry Out

The Father's love can be so hard to experience

when the mundane surroundings of a cluttered apartment overwhelm.

It can be so hard to feel

since with such affection, life should be sunny days that ring like a bell.

Looking around the room

I see old books, movies,

and other humdrum.

I see no reason at all to be inspired about a deity.

However, if you truly observe

closely you will see the glory

of the Creator. Every redwood, every geyser

noticeably brings the notion that there is no God to a swift demise.

The beauty and brilliance of all that we heed

argues for the defence of a maker, vehemently.

Thoughts on the Value of Human Life

Miss Lady Gaga,

First of all, let me reiterate that I'm sorry you lost your dogs.  I truly am.  As someone whose family has had pets, I know that losing one or more of them is not unimportant.  I'm not trying to tell you you shouldn't grieve their loss, or be sad over what happened.  It matters.

I guess... when you say someone "risked their life" dealing with a man with a gun trying to protect your dogs... do you think that's a good thing?

I'm not saying you shouldn't appreciate the gesture.  But privately, you should admonish this man that no dog is worth a human life.  None.  Not saying they don't have some value- they do- but not anything close to a human life.

As I tried to say, my family has had pets.  Over the course of my life, my parents are now on their third dog, and have had... 5-6 cats.  Every time a pet passes away, we grieve.  It's sad.  However, at no point do we think that losing a pet is equal to, say, my brother or one of my sisters passing.  We never equate that.

A human has much more to give to the world than a dog, or even two dogs.  A human can get married, have kids, and be a source of love to so many people.  Never, should a man or woman be willing to sacrifice their life to save the lives of dogs, even if they knew the person kidnapping the dogs was going to kill the dogs.  Dogs just aren't worth it.

I hope this helps put your loss in perspective.  People lose sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, every day.  Those are much more significant losses, and worth dying to try to prevent.  No dog should have that much value in it's owner's eyes.  Dogs come and go.  People tend to have much more staying power.  No man should give up his life for a dog.  End of subject.  I realize my timing may not be perfect- I'm not sure when to post this.  But... it really bugs me that you think it is cool that a man risked his life trying to save your pooches.  Dogs do matter, but... they most certainly are not worth dying for.

Sincerely,

Sean Zlatnik 

Having Good Deeds Is NOT The Same As Having A Good Heart

Pondering spiritual realities... I'm pressed by the notion that people think they are going to Heaven because they have good deeds.  This is a dangerous thought to ponder.

"God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble." Proverbs 3:34, as is often stated in James 4:6.  The truth is, if you think you deserve Heaven, you could not find a more dangerous place to live.  You can believe you are Heaven-bound, that is fine; but do not think for a moment that you deserve it.

That's the thing.  The people who aren't that righteous fall for the same trap as those who aren't that smart.  The Dunning-Kruger affect, which states that the people who think they are smart often are not the same people who are actually smart, is true for righteousness as well.  The people who ARE righteous, often don't think that highly of how righteous they are, while those that are not righteous, often think they are more righteous than they really are.

The Bible explicitly states that if you do your good deeds so you can tell about them later, that that kind of righteousness is not real righteousness.  We need to be wary of using our good deeds to make a point.  Honestly, I don't like doing it.  It usually means I've gotten into a conversation that isn't healthy.  If you do good deeds to tell about them later, it often means you didn't do the good deed because of love.  Love has to be the only motivating factor for why we do what we do- not so we can win an argument later, not so that we can look good to other people, but purely because there was a need, and we could meet it.  That's really, foundationally, what love is- seeing a need, and meeting it.  We should be wary of speaking of our good deeds, because Jesus warned that people who do that will have their reward, and lose their treasure in Heaven.

The more proud you are, the more oblivious you are of how little love you show.  Love is a challenging thing.  Each of us will stand before God and weighed, both our good deeds and our mishaps, and God will peer into our hearts and evaluate WHY we did what we did, and how what happened in our past impacted us, and whether our hearts were in the correct place, or if we were doing things for the wrong reason, or what.  Only God can truly evaluate what goes on in the human heart.  Only God knows.  If you think your heart might be bad, I recommend asking God to give you a new heart.  He can, and will do so if you humbly ask him for one.  God loves this kind of prayer, and if you ask and believe he can do it, he will do it, and you will have a new reason to do the right thing.  Love is the best reason to do anything.  Love is the bottom line.  Choose love.

The Thought Police

 As a country, the left-hand side of the political spectrum wants to go down the road of firing people who disagree with them.  I am very uncomfortable with this kind of thinking and where it might lead.  Let me elaborate.

As a culture, we are more and more becoming intolerant of opposing views.  If someone espouses insane or even evil things, it seems our culture's reaction is veering off into punishing the person for thinking that way.  Look- people are going to espouse stupid and/or evil stuff.  I don't want the world to go down the path of automatically punishing someone for holding such views.  We think we are doing the world a favor by destroying someone's livelihood or their social status simply because they espouse a belief we abhor.  This kind of thinking does not do us favors.  If you are someone who thinks that the extreme right shouldn't be employed anywhere... think about it another way.  Imagine you were living in the Midwest, and you are prochoice.  You make a tweet about how you feel about abortion, which goes viral.  Suddenly your employer finds out and cans you.  How do you feel?  Because the shoe can always be on the other foot.  We can always find ourselves being the one with an unpopular opinion.  Doesn't mean we need to be canceled.  This is a real problem.

I'm not saying that doing evil should not have consequences.  If you are a business owner, and you don't hire black people because... you racist... that's a problem.  If you actually went to DC on January 6th and participated in the attempted overthrow of our government... see, that's not good because that's a crime and you belong in jail.  If all you did though, was espouse unpopular views on social media... see... companies shouldn't be firing people like that.  At least not for that reason alone.  Just think- some day you may be the one with the opinion that's unpopular with your employer, and you are going to be grateful if your employer doesn't decide to fire you for "badly representing the company."  As a Christian who holds views that could make him unpopular anywhere (reluctantly prochoice, believe homosexual behavior to be a sin, not sure environmental concerns should be made the highest priority over the needs of people, generally complicated views on almost everything) it matters a great deal to me that we as a culture don't treat people who disagree with us as though they are monsters who need to be severely punished.  I hope we can all peacefully coexist.  Should we try to engage with people who disagree with us?  Sure.  If someone is an absolute dick to you online, should you block them?  Sure.  But that doesn't mean we should have the aim of destroying anyone who disagrees with us.  As a Christian, I think we should attempt to connect with those with wild and unhealthy point of views, more than just making sure they get fired and no longer can work.  We shouldn't be the thought police...

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Judging

 We judge people.  We judge people because of the decisions they made.  We judge people because of the words they say.  There are hosts of reasons for why people judge the way they do.

The problem is... we don't have the whole picture.  We don't know all the events a person went through.  Not only that, but we don't know how the experiences a person had affected them.  Everyone is different.  One person's paper cut is another person's crucifixion.  What we experience from the pains that happen is going to be different depending on a person's sensitivity.  Also, everyone is making decisions.  Those decisions are determined by factors that we may or may not know about or understand.  We have a very incomplete picture of what is going on in the world.

Long story short... we should be judicious about judging.  It's okay to label a scoundrel a scoundrel in terms of not associating with someone who seems evil, but... remember that you don't know everything that went into their decisions.  It's okay to believe you would do things differently if you were in their shoes, but be careful about meditating on this idea.  You don't know what that person has been through or how they got that way.  On the day of judgment, we may find out weird things, like... Hitler's father was an asshole or some such, or other extenuating circumstances over the many evil things that happened here on Earth, and learn that things are always more complicated than they seem.  Don't get me wrong- mistakes do get made.  People do do evil things.  Justice will come.  I'm just not totally sure what that will all look like, because many of the decisions we make are influenced by our biology and by circumstances outside our control.  I do think parents that do a rotten job of raising their kids who become monsters may be judged some for not doing what was necessary to raise their child right.  How much of that is poor information, versus negligence, will also be considered.  Judgement is a complex thing.  Be careful what you think about others.  It matters.

Case in point.  I just watched some of an episode of the show House.  For those not familiar, the show is named after the lead character Dr. Gregory House, who likes to diagnose cases that are very difficult.  He gets a case of someone who is on death row and who isn't doing well.  House figures out that this man has a tumor pressing against his pituitary gland, causing bursts of rage.  Is this based on something that is true?  Don't know.  Could be pure fiction.  However, the idea that some of the decisions we make could be traced back to biology... not a unique thought.  Certainly mental illness is caused by biological issues we don't understand.  How is God going to look at crimes that were severely influenced by biology?  Probably a lot differently than how he looks at crimes in general.  The point of this is, we don't have the whole picture.  We don't know everything.  Be careful about saying you are better than someone else.  It's okay to not keep friendships with unhealthy people, but... don't get all high and mighty about the people you don't associate with.  You don't know for sure that you would behave differently had you been in their shoes.  Try to remember everyone is given different blessings and curses, and some people's blessings are better than others, and some people's curses are worse than others.  Life is complicated.  Be wary of looking down your nose at people who are more messed up than you.

What Are We Doing?

 I just had a conversation, and I'm beginning to think that the Christian culture is going down the road of "let Jesus blood cover your sins, and from there basically just do what you think is right."  I'm not sure that's exactly how they would distill their point of view, but... I think there are many Christians that feel this way, and so I want to talk about it.

Jesus taught many things.  Some of those things are hard to reach.  Others are within our grasp if we are willing.  We all have to wrestle with the statements made by the Son of God.  I think... while we are called to care about our neighbor and what they do, our primary concern should always be what we do.  However, having a high standard of righteousness is a virtue that we should all pursue.  Each of us should care about how we conduct ourselves and what our attitudes are about where we are going and what we are doing.  We should care about the teachings of Jesus.  If something Jesus said seems to run contrary to how you want to live your life, then that is a teaching you should meditate on, for it is his teachings we will judged upon, whether we took them seriously or not.  I know there's a tremendous focus within the Christian community on the teachings of Paul- I think focusing on Paul's teachings instead of Jesus's teachings is a mistake.  One of Paul's teachings is on the atonement.  I'm not opposed to the atonement- I think Jesus dying and resurrecting so we can go to Heaven makes sense.  But I'm sure of this- Jesus teachings >>>> Paul's teachings.  We should focus on what Jesus taught as being the focus of our spiritual selves.  That means we should be weary about focusing on how we can do what we want because of grace, and not focused on trying to follow Jesus.  Do I know the correct interpretation for all of Jesus's teachings?  No.  I don't think anyone should cut off their hand because it causes them to sin, or gouge out their eyes because they cause sin.  I think Jesus just wanted people to be passionate about righteousness.  And I agree with the person I was talking to that that starts with yourself.  I just hope the church doesn't become so grace-centric that we lose our sense of having a high standard and really caring about doing the will of God while here on Earth.  If you think Jesus disagrees with a decision you made or a decision you think you are going to make in the future, I think you should ponder that choice.  Or what on Earth are we doing?

Being a Giant

 Everybody chooses what kind of person they are going to be.  Are they going to be willing to make a stand when it counts?  Or are they going to be pushed over?

I think... in life we have to decide what kind of people we are going to be.  There will be situations where we have to make a choice about whether we are going to make a stand.  Sometimes it pays to let things go, but if that is our defining characteristic- that we never make a stand even when it's something worth making a stand for, then we will never get anywhere.  How can you tell the difference?  You need to look at the big picture.  How will making a stand here, or letting this go, affect the kind of person I become?  Is making a stand here going to have a significant role in where I end up?  

I remember a situation, where I was kind of screwed over by the court system of Idaho.  I sent the letter about the ticket, including money for the fine, in a timely manner.  They conveniently misplaced it, and didn't "find" it until I called them about the letter they had sent me about the fact that, according to them, I didn't pay their fine.  They didn't offer to send the letter to the judge or offer to help me.  Now in hindsight, part of me regrets not forcing the issue.  I do have to remember though- as annoying as how it worked out was, the truth is I probably was only going to get $20-$30 back from my fine.  Would that have been worth the fight?  That's hard to say.  I admit it- rather than press them about the crap they were feeding me about how they didn't receive the letter in a timely manner, I just let it go.  And truthfully, I can honestly say there wasn't much at stake there.  That probably wouldn't have been worth the fight.

On the other hand, right now I'm in a fight to get my therapeutic needs met.  The agency I'm working with is trying to tell me I can't see an outside therapist, when the therapist they set me up with was useless.  I think, in this scenario, it is ABSOLUTELY worth the fight, because it is my own mental health that is at stake.  I'm going to fight tooth and nail to get the therapy that I actually need.  I can see that the treasure on the other side of me getting this need met is no small thing and I've got to get this need met.  Can you see the difference?  It's the size and scope of the treasure.  If you can evaluate the end result, you can make an effective decision about whether something is worth fighting for.  If something is worth fighting for though, if you don't fight for it, you are no giant.  You are a coward.  But if you fight for the things that matter, then you can be a giant, which I would hope everyone would aspire to.  Whatever you want in life, you should fight for making your needs get met and for becoming the type of person that people will really be grateful to have around.  Be a giant.  Stand for what is right.  Don't let others push you around when it comes to principles and things that are really important.  Let go of the unimportant things.  Be a giant.

Imagine Being In Someone Else's Shoes

 I think... our culture teaches us to judge others more than try to put ourselves in their shoes.  Sometimes it pays to use a little imagination.  I have an example.

I was on Twitter, and I saw that some woman was complaining bitterly about child sex dolls.  Now am I a fan of child sex dolls?  NO.  Am I glad they exist?  Well, as I'm about to explain, I have decidedly mixed feelings about them.  Anyhow, this person was under the impression that people use child sex dolls as a like a... 'gateway drug" to pedophilia.  Me, I have a hard time imagining a teenage boy with sexual feelings purchasing a child sex doll because they want to see what it's like being a pedophile.  I'm pretty sure very few, if any, child sex predators are born this way.  More likely though, I see a guy who has already gone to prison for sex crimes against minors thinking "I don't want this to happen again.  How do I make sure I never have sex with a minor again?"  And then the lightbulb goes off- what if they had sex with a doll instead?  And then they go and buy a doll, and then when they have the craving for this horrible thing, rather than having sex with a child, which would be horrible, instead they have sex with a doll.  Is this good?  No.  But is it better than the criminal attacking a child?  Decidedly yes!  

When we are thinking about subjects like this, I think we need to try to put ourselves in other's shoes.  I think we're so focused on what something looks like that we forget what it is.  We think a convicted sex offender buying a doll off the internet is horrible, except it prevents actual sex crimes, which would be much worse.  We are worried about teenage girls having abortions, but it prevents teenage girls from raising children that add to the criminal population.  We care about what it looks like, more than what a thing actually is.  I think... we as Christians ought to learn to see the world through other's lenses and really try to put ourselves in other's shoes, or we'll make laws that are unjust and treat people as subhuman.  That was never Jesus's way.  Jesus cared about people where they were at, and tried to work with what people struggled with.  We need to be the same way. 

Favorite Basketball Player

 I realize that this might seem like an odd topic for Christian blog, but... I was watching an interview of Kevin Hart and realized that I'm not sure I have a favorite basketball player.  I think, for me the bar is too high of what I consider respectable.  Let me continue.

Now, Kevin said in his interview "Michael Jordan is my favorite player."  That's great, as far as it goes.  The thing is, for me, if I know anything about a person, their character is at least as important as their ability to perform.  Michael Jordan... he... he's not really cool about how he treats other people.  I watched "The Last Dance," and I learned from that that Jordan was easily offended, and his favorite way to channel that anger was by destroying and humiliating his opponents.  That kind of anger...  he has an unhealthy obsession with destroying anyone that offends him.  Sure, he did it on the court.  But I can't respect someone like that.  He wasn't fun to be around when he was on your team at practice, either.  You are only as good as you treat the people around you.  If you treat the people around you like shit, even if it "works," it's not cool.  I could never look up to someone like that.  That's not a model I want for anyone.  The "win at all costs" model of life stinks.  I can't call Michael Jordan my favorite basketball player, because he sucks as a human being.

So who then?  I've thought about Magic Johnson.  He played for my favorite team, the Lakers.  I think Magic is alright.  Is he my favorite though?  That's hard.  I THINK Magic had sex with women when he was on the road, and while he may not have been married to Cookie at that time, he was in a long term relationship with her.  I don't know.  Maybe my bar is too high for favorite player.  I know I enjoy interviews of Magic, and I know Magic is a classier guy than Michael Jordan.  Maybe it seems a bit unrealistic for me to expect my favorite basketball player to be chaste while in a long-term relationship, but to me... being faithful to the woman you love is like the minimum requirement to being a decent human being.  I want the minimum.  I'm not sure Magic qualifies.

I could pick Kobe.  Kobe was actually caught cheating, and had to admit to it to the press.  The sad part is, I HOPE that it wasn't a rape too- but enough garbage has been thrown at Kobe over what happened in Colorado.  Kobe has gone to meet his maker, and I really hope that meeting went well.  I do have a lot of respect for how hard Kobe worked on his basketball game, and I think Kobe honestly tried to be a man of integrity.  Kobe was intense, but I didn't sense in him quite the degree of ruthlessness that you saw in Michael Jordan.  Honestly though.  When I say I want a FAVORITE basketball player, I want someone I can really respect- someone who not only was a good player and a hard worker, but conducted their personal life beyond reproach and genuinely cared about the needs of others and really was righteous.  Maybe my bar is too high, but... I'm not sure I want Kobe as my favorite player either.  

I have thought of a player that might fit the bill.  AC Green.  AC Green actually has several things going for him- he is a serious Christian who was involved in a church I used to attend.  He even played at Oregon State, my alma mater, and was a Laker.  He stayed a virgin throughout his playing days, so that's commendable.  I haven't seen any interviews of AC to really know what to think.  For some reason, I think he's too easy a pick.  Maybe I should pick him.  I just... I want someone to be my favorite basketball player who I could consider a real-life hero.  Maybe that bar is too high.  I think I want too much.  I want to see a player that is good because they work hard, like Kobe, but also conduct their personal life beyond reproach and really are an awesome person.  Maybe I just can't handle having a favorite basketball player.  We have too few genuine heroes in life I think.  Hopefully, some day, someone will step up and be truly awesome in every way.  Maybe it's too much to ask, but here's hoping.

Existential Threat

I try to be very circumspect in this space.  I try to see other perspectives and to not be an alarmist or someone who is not sensitive to people's feelings.  I'm not out to make people angry here- I'm trying to get people to think, to consider ideas that maybe at first they disagree with... trying to get people to ponder other ways of considering things.  I try to draw people closer to God.  I care about how people think, what people's attitudes are, and where life goes from here for people.  I really do want to sound calm and rational when I write here, and I want others to take me seriously.  At this moment, I'm contemplating saying things that might sound like... like I am an alarmist, or that I am hysterical for no good reason.  I see Trump as an existential threat to our democracy, and I'm not apologizing for seeing him that way. 

I wish I could see this another way.  I watched the documentary #UNFIT, and that makes it clear that Trump is a malignant narcissist- the same disorder that Hitler had.  Now every mental disorder has a spectrum, and I'm not saying Trump is as bad as Hitler- but he does have the same mental disorder.  Trump keeps saying that he has no intention of accepting defeat if he loses.  He says he's not going to allow a peaceful transfer of power, something both Democrats and Republicans should want.  If you think I'm making this up, Google it.  I would normally put a link here to it, but right now politics is taking a severe toll on my mental health, and I need to stay away from the news for awhile.  However, if you don't believe me, you should definitely go see for yourself.

I'm going to admit something to you today.  I'm angry.  I realize some people in my audience may in fact be people who fall in this category, but I've decided that saying what needs to be said is too important to let this slide.  I'm angry at Trump voters for not seeing the existential threat that Trump is and actually voting for Trump.  I can't understand that.  I also know multiple people who aren't voting for Trump or Biden, for various reasons- and I'm going to be frank, I'm angry at them.  I'm angry at them, because Biden is not going to be a bad president if elected.  Not only will you know that he'll step down in four or eight years (I think he verbally committed to only serving one term, but I'm not sure), whenever he either loses or his two terms are up, but... he cares about people.  He has genuine empathy.  Biden is not bad.  It's true that his way of dealing with the abortion issue rubs pro-life people the wrong way- they purely want abortion made illegal, and they don't care for Biden's more nuanced and more compassionate approach to the subject.  That's no excuse.  If it was a normal Republican president, I wouldn't mind someone telling me that they couldn't vote for Biden.  I wouldn't.  This is not a normal Republican president- this is someone who is publicly stating he has no intention of accepting the election result if it goes against him.  This is someone who wants to be a dictator at any cost.  We could either lose the power to vote, or our votes could become meaningless, if Trump can just win regardless of who wins the actual election.  I think this matters.  I think people that can't see the threat that Trump poses to our country are blind- I think they are willfully turning a blind eye on Trump's evil like how he's behaving is just bad and not horrific. 

We can't sit idly by in this situation.  We have to at least try to vote Trump out.  We do have a very serious problem if Trump wins because the Supreme Court hands him the election in spite of the Electoral College not voting his way.  I can't understate how serious this situation is.  Trump must be defeated.  Our very democracy likely hangs in the balance.  Trump is already talking about winning a third term, when he hasn't even won a second term AND the constitution PROHIBITS serving three terms as president.  So he wants to ignore the constitution.  How can you see that and not say "Trump needs to be stopped at any cost?"  I just don't see it.  Trump is an existential threat to our democracy and way of life.  He must be stopped.

Abortion, and Empathy

I don't believe the myth that people can't change their minds at all on this issue. Why? Because I changed my mind on this issue.

I used to be essentially what our country calls "Pro-Life". I was. It wasn't the only issue I considered, but it was my perspective that the government should make abortion illegal. That was my point of view. So if you are reading this, and you view yourself as against abortion being legal, well- I might understand where you are coming from, at least a bit. I just... I'm not sure that the government should outlaw this practice. I would appreciate it, if you disagree with me, if you'd hang in there and hear me out. I've thought about this subject a lot. I truly have. And I hope you are willing to give me a chance to make my case for why... at the very least, you shouldn't just vote Republican purely because you are against abortion.

I think Christians should be the kings of empathy. I think they should. We should be able to put ourselves in another's shoes and say "How would I feel if I was in this predicament?" The "Pro-Life" issue is one where I don't really believe that Christians exhibit empathy. Oh sure, they care a lot about the unborn child. But do they care about the woman who is in that predicament? Do they care about the fact that the guy refused to wear a condom, or the condom broke, or whatever the reason was why the birth control failed? I think it's kind of assumed that "if a woman has sex and gets pregnant, the consequence for that action should be to be pregnant for nine months and then raise a child for 18 years... because of course that makes sense." Really? It's interesting that people automatically assume that adoption is an easy option. Is it? I have a feeling it is not, considering that many teens prefer to have an abortion to giving up a baby for adoption.

What are the male consequences in this situation? I have to believe there was a man around at the time of conception. Where is he? There are all sorts of things going on in this situation. Why is the woman supposed to be punished by raising an unwanted child when it's not exactly entirely her fault that she got pregnant? What's really fascinating, is that clearly men are more interested in sex than women, and I think most of the time it's men in relationships that are pushing to have sex as soon as possible, whereas it's women who get pregnant, and have to figure out what to do once they actually are pregnant. If I wasn't a Christian, and I was a woman, and I had sex with a man who pressured me into sex without a condom, and I got pregnant, and the guy told me he had no intention of helping me raise the child... I would consider abortion a valid option. I see this. We have to try to put ourselves in someone else's shoes.

It's easy to tell someone "Don't have sex if you don't want to get pregnant." That's easy to say on the outside. What about the girl whose boyfriend threatens to leave if she doesn't sleep with him? Why is this supposed to be an easy situation? It's just... men are generally the ones pushing for sex. As a man, I should try to see the world from a woman's perspective and understand that the whole situation sucks for them. Everything about this sucks. If she keeps the child, well... the people who are pushing her not to have an abortion are often nowhere to be seen once the child comes. People want to legislate the issue, but not actually help women who are in this predicament. It does not seem Christ-like to me to work hard to pass laws against abortion, without lifting a finger to invest in womens' lives and help women who feel they have no good options.

This empathy issue is a huge issue among Christians. For some reason, we are not known for looking at the world through others' perspectives. We don't care about what it's like to be an unwed woman who just found out she's pregnant. We don't care about what the world is like for an African-American who sees the police as an enemy to be careful around, because the police might kill them even if they didn't do anything wrong. There seem to be a lot of these issues where White Christians just don't care to see the world through another's eyes. I'm telling you, abortion is not the clearcut issue you think it is. I'm sure there are some women who get an abortion who don't think much of the decision, but I have enough faith in humanity to believe they are in the minority.

No one is excited about getting an abortion. It always means that something went horribly wrong and the girl in question doesn't see herself as having options. Where are the Christians in that scenario? Probably outside the abortion clinic. Is that really where they need to be? Wouldn't it be better if they were involved in the girl's life, trying to help her? If we were busy being salt and light, maybe fewer abortions would take place in this country. Instead we're busy telling young women they are evil if they choose an out that to them makes perfect sense. It just... it doesn't feel like Jesus's perspective that we should be focused on legislating an issue that is a symptom of the fact that men want sex but don't want to take responsibility for the consequences of the sex they have.

I would say men are probably responsible for... I'm guessing 70% of abortions. Yes, I'm pulling that number out of my ass, but think about it- the reason most girls have an abortion is because the man who slept with her has told her he wants no part in the baby. And everything I see and know about men and women indicates that men are far more interested in sex than women are. Is it always true? Probably not. But it is often true. Men want sex, but women deal with the consequences of the sex. For some reason, as a man, it doesn't seem right to me for me to be voting for Republicans to make abortion illegal when I haven't the first clue what it feels like to be pregnant and alone. I don't know what that feels like. What we do as Christians in dealing with this issue says a lot about how well we can see the world through another's perspective. I hope on Judgment Day God will look at me and say "Thanks for trying to see the world through other's eyes and for trying to help others do the same." We need to try to be in another's shoes, more than we invest in trying to tell them what to do should they find themselves in the horrible position of having an unwanted pregnancy in their belly. I just... we have to try to help people more than just make what they want to do illegal. Somehow, we need to get out of their faces and into their shoes. We have to try.

Be Careful How You Look At Others

I was on CNN, and I saw this article: https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/02/asia/khmer-rouge-duch-cambodia-death-intl-hnk/index.html I was happy. I said "Judgment is coming for someone evil." I was not just happy, I was angry-happy. I thought an evil person had just received his comeuppance. I was wrong.

Please don't misunderstand me. What the man did in his time as "Comrade Duch" for Khmer Rouge is beyond despicable. No question he more than screwed up. And I don't know the guy, so I don't know what he was like later in life. What I do know is that according to the article above, he became a born-again Christian towards the end of his life, and he apologized to his victims and begged for forgiveness. That... that changes things. I actually had to apologize to God for speaking ill of one of his kids. I'm sure there are many people on earth that are still angry at him- and rightfully so. But I must remember that the God I serve is a merciful God, who longs for all to come to repentance. Don't get me wrong, I doubt that this man has any treasure at all where he is going. He's going to be a poor man for all eternity- at least in all likelihood. However, assuming his repentance is legit (I assume so), he will find grace and mercy with God. Unless God offers grace and mercy for the worst of us, I see no hope for any of us. We all need to fall on the mercy seat and remember that God is abounding in grace and mercy.

I am grateful today that The God I serve offers to adopt any of us that choose to be adopted by him. He wants all of us to be his kids. The story of Comrade Duch is a story of redemption. May we all be redeemed a little, thinking about how gracious and kind our God is.

Tone Deaf

I just watched a sermon on YouTube from a church I used to attend... and I'm heavily debating whether to post the link to it... and what I'm surprised about the sermon I just watched is how out of touch with the struggle African-Americans are going through. You ever watch a sermon and go "You know, that... that really doesn't help."? That's what happened to me. You know what? We as White American Christians cannot look at what happened to George Floyd and what happened in the riots and say "These are both evil." That's a load of crap! Can't we empathize with our African-American brothers and sisters? Can't we at least try to understand where all the anger is coming from? And if we got honest, it's not really about one African-American man being executed by the police. The real problem is that this sort of thing has happened many times and just keeps happening. We as the White Christian community in the United States need to be able to not come across as tone deaf. You know what? If White Americans were regularly dying in police custody, I bet that the sermon this person gave would have been radically different. We White people really have very little understanding of what it means to be in a constant, low-level amount of danger from the police. I'll admit, I can relate a little. Over the course of my life I've been pulled over by the police many times for low-level infractions. Either I didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign, or I didn't turn my turn signal on to return to the right lane (I was in the lane of oncoming traffic, so... I think it was a foregone conclusion that I was returning to the lane I was in, but... whatever) or I was speeding... the police have pulled me over many times over the course of my life, and I've come to hate the police because of it. However, I have NEVER felt like my life was in danger. I never felt that one wrong move and I could get killed. Don't get me wrong, I always took getting pulled over seriously, and I always endeavored to do what the officer said, but I never thought in the back of my mind "you know, if I say the wrong thing it could get me killed." See, that's where I can't understand the plight of the African American.

We need to get something straight. There's a reason why the protests happened. And while some of the rioting and looting is actually done by White Supremacists, trying to make Black people look bad, I'm fairly confident some of the rioting and looting is caused by angry African Americans. We got to understand something. We don't know jack about what it's like to live in this country in true fear of dying to the police. We don't know! We, as white people, have to at least try to empathize with what is going on in our country. You know, we can't really relate to the kind of frustration that Black people feel about life in this country. Our failure to empathize with the Black community does not help in bridging the divide between us and African-Americans. We've got to do better. We've got to try to understand what our Black brothers and sisters are going through. And for all the tone deaf sermons that happened this Sunday, I'm sorry... I wish I could get it through everyone's head that there is no moral equivalence between what happened when a police officer executed a man who had not been convicted of any crime and the riots that happened afterwards. We White American Christians can do better. We at least have to try. To my Black Christian brothers and sisters, I'm sorry about what happened to George Floyd, and all the other African-Americans killed in police custody and elsewhere for no apparent reason except that they were Black in the wrong place at the wrong time. I hope, that the police get better at screening applicants for White Supremacy, in the hopes that White Supremacists will no longer get hired by the police. And may God grant you the ability to help us White Christians better understand your plight.

Looking For Direction

I realize that in my last post, I was lost there too... Hopefully writing this post will help me find my way.

It has been almost an entire year since I got out of the hospital. Since I got out, I've maintained an exercise routine, I've worked at having a nightly routine around going to sleep, and I tried to find success in a chess tournament. While the tournament did not work out as I hoped, I would say that I am healthier now than I was one year ago. As I think about it, it depends on what metric you are looking at. Mentally, I'm clearly better than I was a year ago. A year ago on this day, I was still somewhat ill. I think... around a year ago today was about when I found out the hospital was going to release me, because I found out about two weeks before I was released. So... I was good enough at that time to be released from the hospital, but I would add that I still had more weird thinking in my head at that time than I do now.

Now... physically I'm not sure I'm better now than I was a year ago. My scale has taken to insulting me the last several times I stepped on it. When I left the hospital, I was about 230 lbs. Right now, I'm roughly 240 lbs. Why this is is a mystery. People keep telling me "muscle weighs more than fat." Of course, I don't think my diet now is quite as good as it was in the hospital. However, my exercise routine is pretty intense these days. I tread water for an hour, including three minutes of treading water with my arms extended up, 27 more minutes treading water with just my legs, 12 minutes treading water with just my arms (this number is escalating- tomorrow I'm going to attempt to tread water with just my arms for 13 minutes, then on Monday 14 minutes, then Wednesday 15 minutes, etc. until I reach 30 minutes) then the rest of the hour until five minutes remain I take it easy and tread water with both my arms and legs, and then the last five minutes I tread water with my arms extended up. If you are curious how difficult this workout is, I challenge you the reader to try doing it. I think you'll find the hardest parts are treading water with your arms extended up, and treading water with just your arms. After doing this intense workout, I go to a park and take a walk for thirty minutes. On the weekdays I'm not doing this workout, I go for long walks. Exercise-wise, I'm in a good place. I just wish the scale would stop insulting me.

It's interesting that I'm basically back where I was a year ago, as far as having purpose. I need to take some time and try to figure out where I'm going. Am I going to write? If so, what am I going to write? Am I going to play in chess tournaments? If so, how am I going to finance them, and what is the best way to prepare for them? I don't know what to do at this point. I need to think about it. It's hard because I have too many options. I'll figure it out. Somehow, God is going to make clear to me what the path forward is. I just need to trust that God will provide for me a way out of the haze. When we have real need, God provides. I have a real need now. Surely God will help me figure out how to proceed. In the meantime, I've just got to keep working at taking care of myself the best that I can.

Picking Up the Pieces

I think one of the secrets to good writing is honesty. I'm going to try to be honest right now.

I just spent... two months in mental hospitals. When you get out of the hospital, it's hard to know what to do with yourself. When I first was hospitalized, I hated it. Passionately hated it to be exact. I wanted to be out. It's funny how things work. Just about the time when I got to the point where I actually kind of liked being in the hospital, that's the point when they said "you are ready to leave." I think life is full of ironies like that. I wish, in some ways, that I could have stayed longer. I was learning things that I can use in the "real world," like I was learning social skills. I guess they thought I was ready to reenter the... "real world", so they kicked me out. And now I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself.

It's interesting. In this season I am doing some stuff. I'm running again, which is a very healthy habit. I spend an hour most days on what I call "my hour of self-care." In that hour, I try to do what is necessary for being healthy. A lot of that hour is spent cleaning my apartment. Being healthy is hard work, and it's my goal to maintain a certain degree of healthiness. For fun, I play correspondence chess. The problem with correspondence chess is it's hard to know how good you are, because some people cheat. I digress. I work Sudoku puzzles, I watch Looney Tunes, and I read books. None of this is very purpose driven.

I want to have some kind of meaningful work. Something that actually contributes to society in a meaningful way. It's weird... I have two bachelor's degrees, and I KNOW I can do more than work as a clerk in a convenience store, which was my last job... but getting a job is hard, particularly if you want a job that isn't minimum wage. I feel stuck. I guess I should be patient with myself. What I want to do is write. I want to write for a living. How do you get a career doing that? I wish I knew.

Please don't feel sorry for me. I'm sure I'll figure this thing out. In some ways I like the way my life is right now. I don't think I've been much healthier than I am right now. I'm proud of the fact that I'm keeping my apartment clean. I'm proud of how I'm doing in my correspondence chess games- I think I'm doing well in all of them, and I did just win a game. I think my running is going well- I ran a mile in under 10 minutes. That's by no means much of an athletic accomplishment for an athlete, but for me it means my body is getting back into shape. I just... I need a purpose. That is what I will be praying for. It's what I need. Here's hoping I find it. Then I'll feel like the pieces are back together.