My Struggle With My Need to be Right

You ever have one of these moments where you realize you could be a better person, if you could just let something go?

I'll be frank.  I LOVE to be right.  

Now... I'm mature enough to avoid arguments that I think are unhealthy.  It's not that I have any thought that I might be wrong, it's just that I have a healthy respect for how hard it is to change people's minds and how much emotional energy gets invested in these arguments is too much for me.

But I have to be right.

I watched a comedian tonight admit that even though he was in an accident with a drunk driver, because the police officer at the scene was a piece of work the comedian was found at fault for the accident  He spent lots of time trying to nail the Los Angeles police department, because the officer knew that the comedian was not at fault and wanted the comedian to pay anyways.  At a point he realized that while he was right about the accident, that the way he was handling the situation was destructive.  So he did something I don't think I'd be able to do- he let this go and he paid for the guy's car.

I don't know if I could do that.

I know there was a situation I was in that can make me relate to this.  This is hard to talk about, but I think it might be therapeutic to talk about, and frankly it's the biggest experience I've had with this.  I had technically committed a crime.  I had.  However, there were extenuating circumstances that I felt if I could give justice to them, that I could be acquitted.  Yes, I had committed a crime, but the person that I committed the crime against WANTED me to commit the crime, or at least they (in a way I understood) communicated to me that they wanted me to commit this crime.  Anyhow, this was a hard situation for me.  Not helping matters was the fact I was not mentally well at the time (which I'M CERTAIN does not change the fact that this person wanted me to commit the crime- I wasn't that out of it).  Anyhow, I remember my lawyer telling me that if I took it to trial "I would lose."  Great lawyer.  Sigh.  The sad part is, I didn't learn the lesson I needed to learn from this- that sometimes you have to let go of your need to be right.

It's hard letting go of being right.  I'm pretty convinced I'm rarely ever wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I know it does happen.  It's just not super often.  I'm not very good at letting go of being right.  I think this is going to have to be an area of growth for me over the next five to ten years.  I've got to let go of my need to be right, even if I'm 100% certain I'm right.  Sigh.

Jehovah Jireh

 Tonight I had an epiphany.

Okay, so... as I'm trying to fall to sleep, a couple of situations were on my mind that I'd like to play out in certain ways, and I realized something that was a big help.  But first, an explanation about the title.

Jehovah Jireh means "on the mountain God will provide."  Now I believe God gave Abraham this name from when Abraham almost had to sacrifice his son- the provision spoken of is the ram, that replaced Isaac for the sacrifice.

Where I'm going with this is, we all have things we struggle to let go of.  We all have situations we want to go our way.  Whether it's a job we're applying for, a relationship of some kind (be it friendship, romantic significant other, etc.) we want to work out, an illness in the family we want to be healed... whatever it is, there are always things we want to go our way.  In the moment when we let go of those things, not only do we give ourselves the freedom to not worry about them- which might allow us to rest easier and sleep better- we also position ourselves such that God can do what he wants in the current situation, be it give you what you want, or give you something else that may actually be what you need.  

In life, we want things.  All of us.  Without exception.  Our ability to... "hold things loosely"... is a huge key to being content and happy, that will serve all of us well.  God will meet the need.  Maybe not in the way we are hoping for, or when we are hoping it will happen... but he will.  If you are a child of God and you are following God's will in your life to the best of your ability (we all have struggles- these struggles do not preclude us from receiving this promise), then you should realize that God is going to take care of your needs.  As long as we keep this in mind, we can stop worry about the specific way in which he does it or about the specific situations that you want to pan out your way.  Those situations may not pan out your way.  In time though, God will provide for your need, in the way he sees fit.  Our job is to trust him with our needs and not worry too much of how God does it and just believe that he will, even if it means having to walk away from things we want.  I found this to be very freeing- hopefully it helps someone else out there too.

What Owning a Pet is Teaching Me About My Faith

I had an interesting moment just now.  

I was refilling my medication weekly box, that allows me to know whether I've taken my meds or not on any particular day.

I have a cat now, named Helix.  And he was fascinated with what I was doing.  He thought I was making something for him.  However, I knew that what I was dealing with could easily be poisonous for him,  possibly even deadly poisonous.  If I dropped something on the floor and he ate it, it could be horrible.

So what did I do?  I put Helix in the bathroom!

He hated it.  He wanted to be let out almost immediately.  What he didn't realize was I was protecting him.  I didn't want him to get hurt.  As soon as I had the box full, I let Helix out of the bathroom.

What's the lesson here?

God does the same thing to us.  God protects us from things that we aren't even aware of.  You lost something right before you had to leave and you lost time finding it?  Maybe God was protecting you from an accident.  Someone is late to an appointment?  You don't know how that could be for the best, but it might be.  All the circumstances in life you don't like MIGHT be protecting you from something worse.  Or maybe it's a delay between a promise given and a promise fulfilled?  Maybe that way you'll appreciate the fulfillment all the more?

The truth is, we don't know the whole picture of why God does what he does.  And we (myself included) all need to give God the benefit of the doubt.

The Prophets of Late Night

Here's looking at you, John Oliver.

Also to a lesser extent- Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, and Seth Meyers all fit the profile to one extent or another.

I know what you are thinking- most of them aren't Christians.  Okay?  However, you don't have to be a Christian to have a similar function as a prophet.  All four of these guys spoke truth to power while Drumpf was president.  None of them shied away from criticizing the then-president.  

John Oliver is probably the one who most exemplifies this.  His recent pieces about welfare reform and timeshares are just the tip of the iceberg on how John tackles today's issues head on and tries to correct the issues that plague our culture.

In a lot of ways, a prophet is just someone that likes to speak the truth about issues to people, in the hopes of acquiring a course correction.  Often, what a prophet says is unpopular with some people.  A diehard prophet isn't afraid to say many things that are annoying or "against the grain" of popular culture to the people of their age.  While it's true that what these comedians say is not especially unpopular to a good percentage of the population, it also is wildly unpopular with another sector of the populace, and to me that's bold for modern culture, particularly as a comedian whose survival depends on being popular.  And annoying people in power seems at least a little risky, and these four have never feared retribution from Republicans or the Republican Party, or at least didn't fear it enough to shut up about the things that grieve them.

It's not just political speech either.  I watched this video here and it's obvious to me from this video that John sees the absurdity of the Oscars.  And I watched a tiny bit of the Oscars, and I get the feeling that Jimmy Kimmel kind of sees the absurdity as well- these vastly wealthy people self-congratulating on stage over doing their jobs... it's not the most impressive aspect of our culture.  I mean, you know Stephen Colbert's heart is in the right place- anybody who has seen "The Colbert Report" knows that Stephen has been functioning as a prophet in the political arena for some time now.  

We need more people willing to speak truth to power.  We need more people who have sold themselves out for the cause of truth and righteousness.  It's true, I wish they were all Christians, but sometimes you take what you can get.  I for one am grateful for these "Prophets of Late Night."  I hope you can see their value, too.

Faith and Grumbling

I was reading the bible chapters for my devotional, at that moment through the book of Exodus, and something struck me that I felt I needed to share about.  It's the fact that no matter how many times the Lord provides for us, we still struggle with the next instance in which we need help.

It's funny... when you read Exodus you see a people struggling with faith.  They've seen God provide for them over and over, and yet the next time there's a need they grumble all over again, saying (in effect) "God, no matter how often you provide for me, I still think you've abandoned me now- I don't think you are trustworthy."  I want to criticize these people... I want to tell them "Come on!  You saw how God delivered you out of Egypt, and all the other minor deliverances God has done.  Why are you grumbling now?"  Now, to be fair, I wasn't a slave in Egypt watching God doing all those miracles... so I have more cause to be afraid than they did.  HOWEVER, I have seen God deliver me out of multiple situations.  So then... why am I so afraid of whether the next deliverance will come?

I think... it's normal to wonder about God's provision, and maybe even be a little fearful, as God tests you by making you wait.  Regardless of how hard it is though, I think IT'S CRUCIAL to remember all the times God got you out of a jam in the past, and to draw on that in your current circumstances.  We must be people of faith!  And I question the depth of your faith if God has never gotten you out of a jam... that is the hallmark of the Christian faith, that God can be trusted.  We must trust the living God and know that he has a plan for us, that he will deliver us in his timing and not our own.

Next time you are in a situation where you need God's help... try to remember how God delivered you in the past.  And if you can, grumble as little as possible.  I do think God can handle our honesty if we are angry at him, but telling God "I don't trust you" is not going to acquire favor from the Lord for you.  Believe!  And trust in God's timing.  For God has a plan... he'll take care of us... but in his timing, not ours.  We must learn to trust and not grumble that God won't help us or that we were better off back in bondage.  Let us trust the Lord in all things, and believe his promises.  Our God is great.  Let us trust him in all things.

Why I Both Love and Hate "The Sermon on the Mount"

Before reading this entry, you might take a little time to become reacquainted with this sermon.  It is too long to put in this blog, so I will link it here.  

What I Love About This Sermon:

What I love about this sermon is the implied holiness of God.

You cannot come away from this sermon without realizing that when God says he is holy, that means an exceedingly high thing.  This sermon is a sermon no doubt Jesus followed, for he of all people would want his life to be built on the rock of these teachings.  If God is holy like this sermon, that to me means he is trustworthy, and that relying on him will keep us, each of us, safe.  I love any message that exemplifies the righteousness and goodness of God.

What I Hate About This Sermon:

These expectations are surreal.

No one can follow this sermon completely.  I believe Jesus himself had the strength to follow it, but... no one else.  It is very hard.  Some things in it I've incorporated into my life, like I try not to talk about any good deed I have done- I try to keep those things to myself.  If I do talk about them, it is to make some sort of point, not just to make myself look good.  Also, I've found the prayer in 6:9-13 to be very helpful to know how to pray.  Knowing how to pray is essential to following hard after God.  And of course the whole idea of laying up treasure in Heaven is very appealing to me- it is my life's work to store up as much treasure in heaven as I can.  But much of it is... very harsh.  "But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."  One of many impossible followings of Jesus.  I have been slapped before.  When it happened my mind was not on this sermon.  I did not retaliate, to my credit.  However, I did not turn the other cheek either.  I immediately reported it to the hospital authorities.  So I proved in that moment that this sermon is very difficult to follow- obeying God in moments like these is extremely difficult.  

If I were to break down every verse that is anywhere from "extremely difficult" to "wellnigh impossible for any mortal"... I would be going on and on.  One moment in particular stands out to me where I arguably dropped the ball- I was driving to a donut shop, ultimately on my way to Idaho from Corvallis (I was in Portland at this point, a place notorious for people who beg who are not really in need), when I missed the shop and had to turn around in this parking lot.  Out of nowhere this woman appeared and asked for financial assistance.  Now... in my defense, she did not seem to be in exceptional need- this was not a "Good Samaritan" moment where someone is obviously in dire straits due to zero fault of their own.  However, scripture is clear that if someone asks you for help you should help them, and Jesus even indicates in one particular passage in Matthew that we will all be judged based on how we treat "the least of these brothers of mine," which I've tended to interpret as meaning the homeless, the imprisoned... those whom life has been nasty and brutish.  However, in that moment I was unprepared.  Usually before someone asks me for help I have a moment to pray and ask God if he wants me to help someone or not, and in this case I had no such moment.  Moreover, my general way of handling the needy is not to give cash, but to go with the person in need and get them what they actually need, whatever that may be.  That is my practice.  And I had a tight schedule- I was meeting someone in Idaho later that day, and I did not want it to be super late when I go there as that was not even my final destination.  So I said no.  To this day I wonder if I sinned in that moment.

It's hard following this sermon.  Jesus did not sugarcoat what it means to be a disciple.  I wish it were easier.  I wish... I wish being a disciple was not... so intense.  Anyone who majors on Paul and the Pauline epistles may think that being a disciple is about grace, about "doing our best and accepting Jesus' forgiveness."  No.  Being a disciple is understanding just how terribly we measure up.  We don't just fail slightly... we are destitute and without hope except surrender to God.  We should put into practice as much of this sermon as we have capacity to- Jesus didn't preach this sermon as just some ideal that we can safely ignore.  We should try to follow it, fail, and wholly latch on to the notion that Jesus and his sacrifice are enough.  This sermon should teach us true humility, not a false pretense that God does not despise the way we live.  This sermon is a wakeup call, that all who call themselves disciples would do well to meditate on the plain teaching of scripture.

This is sermon is a hard word.  May we follow Jesus by following his teachings and learning to be like him.  Let us never take for granted the mercy God gives us.  Never.

Justice Here On Earth?

There is a conflict in scripture that I want to address here- the conflict of whether the wicked will be redressed here on earth, or whether our main hope of justice comes in eternity.

I think, any Christian you talk to is full of hope that justice will happen on earth.  We all want to see the wicked receive their comeuppance...  it's natural to want to see those that grievously sin against the Almighty get what should be coming to them in this life.  If I read Job carefully though, I hear another message.  Oftentimes in life, the wicked seemingly get away with all their sins.

We must learn to trust God with justice.  It's hard!  And frustrating.  I see people who are wicked who never seem to face any consequences for what they do... they have successful existences and seem to do whatever they want without consequences.  It bothers me.  I forget that the peace inside my heart is my own reward for walking faithfully before my God, and that my primary reward for doing good and living right before my maker is in heaven.  We forget so easily that justice does eventually come to everyone!  But hanging on to hope that all the wicked on earth will receive their comeuppance on earth is unrealistic.  Any careful reading of Job shows that one of Job's primary defenses against the accusation that he has sinned and that the trouble currently befalling him is God's justice for his sin, is the fact that even prosperity is no guarantee that one is righteous before his maker.  The wicked often prosper!  And even the times when consequences do befall the wicked, oftentimes those consequences seem minor in comparison to their vast sins.  And the righteous do often suffer, sometimes seemingly unfairly.  We must come to terms with the fact that oftentimes, only in eternity will justice be fully understood.

Don't believe that the wicked will get away with their wickedness forever.  We will all stand before our maker eventually.  God will reward those that gave themselves fully to himself and his will, and will punish those that chose their own way and whose hearts were callous to the plans of God and the needs around them.  I know it's nice to see the wicked reap what they sow on earth, and see the righteous flourish.  Lest we forget, our savior was crucified- if any righteous person deserved a long and happy life, it was Jesus, and they killed him in a really horrible way.  Our craving for justice may go unmet in this life, but it won't go unmet in eternity.  Remember that the next time you make a decision that honors God here on earth, or... the next time you ignore God and go your own way... we all reap what we sow.

Collateral Beauty

I just watched the movie "Collateral Beauty" for the umpteenth time (I may have even seen it twice while it was still in theaters, I loved it so much), but I realized I never spent time thinking about the collateral beauty of my situation.

I have been ground up into little pieces by the way my life has gone and experienced enough difficulty and trauma for three people, maybe more than three people.  Sometimes it's hard to see the collateral beauty.  However, regardless of how difficult it is, I'm going to attempt to write about it, here and now.

1) I really like who I've become

Seriously... I mean, I had some depth before 2009, I most certainly did.  I had already been through a lot at that point.  But 2009 on... was hell.  Things didn't really start to turn around until 2019, and things didn't actually seem alright until I acquired the therapist I have now and my current best friend.  Because of what all I've been through, I've developed perspective and insight.  I'm profoundly familiar with suffering.  To be fair, I wouldn't wish what has happened to me over the course of the first 40 years of being on this planet on my worst enemy.  There's no treasure that could be offered me- even treasure in heaven, which thieves cannot steal and moths can't destroy- that would be worth reliving my life the way that it happened.  Not a chance.  And yet... because of what happened, I can empathize with people who have led difficult lives.  I can.  That, I have the grinding to thank for.  

It's interesting.  If you'd asked me how I'm different now that I've been through all this... I mean, there's levels of naivete that we live in, about how hard life can be.  Don't get me wrong, I still don't know what it would be like to grow up not having feet, or... possibly other nasty situations I can't imagine, but... I know what it's like for life to be hard.  I do.  And that gives perspective.  It ruins the naivete, which blinds us from seeing just how hard life can be.  My naivete is gone.  And for that I am grateful.  I paid a hard price for losing that naivete, but I hope someday to be able to say it was worth it.  Maybe someday I will be able to say it was worth it, but I'm not there yet.

2) I like my current situation and my current trajectory

Things are moving upward in my life.  Habits are improving.  My lifestyle is getting healthier.  I don't know what my life would have been like had I not gone psychotic... it's an impossible question to answer.  Maybe this shouldn't be part of the collateral beauty of what has happened to me... I'm not sure on that point.  However, I like a lot about where I'm at.  I like my best friend I have, someone I probably would never have met if it weren't for the psychotic break.  I might still be working at the job I was working at the time of the break, which... was a difficult situation.  I would never have met my current therapist, who is really helping me.  I may never have met my pastor friend, whom I have much respect for.  I mean... when you think about bad things that happen to you and the way your life went differently because of the bad things that happened, it helps to realize that some good- even if it doesn't seem as good as what would have come if you hadn't gone through what you went through- does come out of it.

3) Shallow people were removed from my life.

This one is hard, because I miss some of those folks.  However, if you can't handle someone you know having a psychotic break such that you welcome them back in your life after they get better, in my humble opinion, you are shallow.  I'm not saying it's easy... few things that are worthwhile are easy... but if you want to serve God in all righteousness you have to be prepared to accept that things done while someone is ill can largely be attributed to their illness and should be let go of.  It's hard, you know?  I know it's hard, because there is someone in the periphery of my life who bullied me while I was in the hospital, and now they act like nothing ever happened and don't even acknowledge how they treated me in the hospital... admittedly it would be easier if they'd just... at least acknowledge what happened and say "I'm sorry you had to go through that," even if that's not a real apology it would be something.  However, it's my job to take my words to heart and try harder to let go of what happened.  She was ill.  I may not understand it perfectly well- in my experience, my illness didn't cause me to be... mean to people.  I was annoying- I'm not taking anything away from that- but I wasn't mean.  Most of what happened was more like... out of control, inappropriate kindness.  But I don't know what mental illness does to other people, so... I've got to forgive, just like I'm hoping others will let go of how I acted when I was ill.  And yes, I maintain that the people who couldn't handle my out of control kindness are shallow, and in my humble opinion I'm better off without them in my life.

4) My confidence in God's providence has deepened

During my breaks, there were two specific situations where God delivered me.  In one situation it was winter-like- I think it was March but there was snow everywhere and it was very cold.  I was following what I believed to be God's voice... whether I was or not is not all that important for this tale, but just so you know I had tried to follow God's voice before to get somewhere and it never worked when I had a specific destination in mind.  And I was... ill.  I was in the middle of a psychotic break.  Anyhow, I drove over the pass (which was an adventure in it of itself- praise God I didn't get into an accident), on my way towards Bend.  I was nervous... it was really cold.  If the voice had directed me to keep going beyond Bend, I could have had problems.  Instead, the voice told me I would not go beyond Bend (Bend, Oregon), which did comfort me some.  At some point the voice directed me to turn off the highway.  After I did this, I followed what seemed to me to be a series of random driving instructions... "Turn left here.  Turn right here" and so on.  AND SOMEHOW, BY SOME MIRACLE, I got turned around.  How that happened is very unclear to me.  I was shocked when I saw the sign said "Corvallis, #so many miles".  How that worked out that way, I have no idea.  It was amazing.  But the next story is the one that really takes the cake.

In this situation... once again following The Voice's instructions.  My plan was to go to Portland.  The Voice had other plans.  I ended up in southern California.  The fact that God protected me during all this driving is reason alone to praise the God I serve... I'm going to be honest, I don't think I was the best driver on the road that day.  However, I made it down to southern California without any accidents or any speeding tickets, and for that I'm quite grateful.  I took I-5 down.  After I got down there and I followed certain specific instructions going north, I wound up in Death Valley.  I had almost no money, no food, almost out of water, I had no cell phone... if ever there was a situation where I found myself in the care of God alone, it was it.  There was nothing within sight of the car where I parked the car.  God told me to walk.  So I walked.  And God told me not to hitchhike.  This turned out to be key- had I hitchhiked, who knows what would have happened to me.  For one thing, I probably would never have seen my car again, or... it would have been very difficult to get my car back.  For another... I would have had real problems getting home.  Getting home?  Getting real sleep alone would have been hard.  Basic needs that we take for granted every day would have quickly become serious problems for me to have to take care of.  

It's at this point God showed some level of provision.  I came across a convenient store that just so happened to be open in this microscopic town in the middle of freakin' nowhere- it was about 1 AM at this time, so the fact it was open was kind of amazing- and silly me- unaware of just how dire my situation was, and still being VERY psychotic- I just buy a small amount of jerky using pretty much the last of my funds, and I keep walking.  After I walked a sum total of 5 miles from my car (at least, that's what I was told- I really have no idea how far I walked), a police car pulled up behind me and basically rescued me.  Very grateful that policeman came back for me- he just barely saw me as he was driving by, and made a U-turn up ahead (the road was split between northbound and southbound, so turning around took some time- I didn't see him U-turn), drove back, made another U-turn, and came up behind me.  I was still very manic and psychotic, but it worked out.  Also, when I found out my dad was coming down to pick me up, I freaked- if it wasn't by some chance that I talked to a specific police officer, I don't know what exactly would have become of me.  It would have been more difficult for me to get home.  Grateful it worked out, me running into that officer and him being willing to help. 

Bottom line- I've learned that God can be trusted.  I KIND OF knew that before all this, but now I REALLY know that.  I know that I know that I know that God can be trusted.  Never would have gotten that without what has happened, and for that I'm grateful.

My prayer for all the readers who are here to look back on the difficulties of their lives and think on the collateral beauty of their situation.  I promise, it's there.  It may not seem to have been worth it- surely there are days when I wish I could go back in time and change how my life went- but I promise you it is there.  You just have to look for it.