School Shootings

I have a confession.  I empathize more with most if not all of the school shooters more than I empathize with the victims.

I was abused... A LOT in school.  Some of it physical abuse.  A lot of it verbal abuse.  All of it bad.

There's a part of me that wishes I had gone to school and shot up the place.  It's a part of me that I don't especially like, and not a part of me I really like to talk about, but it is a part of me.

From my perspective, schools are extremely lax in dealing with peer abuse.  They don't do shit.  Sometimes they even punish the victim for standing up for him/herself.  Schools are nasty.

There are moments when I think about what I went through that I feel true rage about what that abuse did to me.  I don't understand why no one gave a shit, why I had to go through all that essentially alone.  And I was alone for a lot of it.  I don't even know what to say about it.

I look back on sixth grade with horror.  Sixth grade was a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.  I experienced peer abuse through most of my schooling, but sixth grade is when it raged out of control.  No one stepped in to help.  I was in hell on earth, and it sucked.  If I was told I could be a trillionaire and all I had to do was relive the sixth grade without any of the wisdom I've acquired with age or any of the maturity I have now- that is, relive the sixth grade as it actually happened in the first place, I would tell the person making the offer to go fuck themselves.  No amount of money would make it worth it.

I realize this isn't the most uplifting post.  I realize that there have been people killed in school shootings who absolutely didn't have it coming, and some school shootings that really don't make sense.  I'm not saying that what happens in school shootings is justice, for I think many times school shooters don't get the worst offenders and instead shoot people largely indiscriminately, and honestly there are no winners in school shootings.  Oftentimes the shooter(s) kill themselves, leaving a bloody wake behind them.  But I understand where that rage comes from, and I wish more could be done to deal with all the abuse that happens in schools.

As I'm trying to deal with all the damage that happened to me at the hands of my peers, I'm at a serious loss as to how to deal with it.  Honestly, I've experienced as much horror in many ways as an adult as I did as a kid.  My adulthood honestly, in many ways, hasn't been better.  The abuse I've experienced as an adult was often more subtle, but in many ways just as bad and often insidious.  I don't know how to deal with my life in some ways; sometimes the anger is too much.  But my years in school were pretty bad and I wish more could be done to prevent bullying.  I wish... instead of focusing on gun control, that more could be done to reduce the amount of peer abuse that happens in schools.  You reduce that, and you solve the real problem and even without stricter gun control laws you'll see a reduction in school shootings.  Because it's the rage that drives the shootings.  That is the real problem.

Thirsty For Grace

 I'm rereading the gospels right now...

I'm struck by how hard a man Jesus was.

It's interesting to me that people take the teachings of Paul and run with it.  I'm not saying the propitiation isn't real, but damn.  When Jesus says things like "anyone who, after deciding to follow me looks backward is not worthy of me" (paraphrased)... I mean there are SO MANY THINGS JESUS SAID THAT WERE RUTHLESS.  Jesus was a fireball of intensity.  I don't know who people think they are, reading the Bible and believing they are Heaven bound.  No one can read the gospels and say "I've made it."  No one.  Jesus just set the bar so effing high that I can't imagine anyone thinking that they were a success in Jesus's eyes.

And yet, the lowly and the downtrodden, the sinners and the tax collectors, all loved him and wanted to be around him.  Huh?

How can the guy who says "He who doesn't hate his father and mother isn't worthy of me" and "My flesh is real food and my blood real drink" attract the lowly of the world to follow him everywhere?  Who is this lunatic who says "I am the way, the truth, and the light- no one comes to the Father except through me."?

I've been a follower of Jesus for a long time.  Honestly my commitment to Christ deepened in 1997- that's when I tell people I was born again, though truthfully I was probably saved in the 6th grade and just became a disciple in '97.  And yet in this season, I'm nervous.  Jesus makes me nervous.

I don't know what to say.  I don't know how anyone can read the gospels and think "I'm going to Heaven."  The sheep from the goats?  Has anyone ever ALWAYS helped EVERYONE that has asked them for help?  I don't even know what to say to that.  There have been times when I've helped people who have asked me for help.  Then there was that time I was driving and on my way to Idaho, and this person came out of nowhere and asked me for money, and I said no.  This still haunts me.  Perhaps I was supposed to help them?  I dunno.

Jesus scares me.  If you've spent a lot of time in Paul's epistles, you might feel quite safe about your salvation.  Maybe take some time to reread the gospels with open eyes to think "What if this is how I'll be judged."?  What if Jesus does separate the sheep from the goats?  What if we'll be judged for how we viewed God and whether we took full advantage of all the talents God has given us?

I don't know how anyone can look at the gospels and not be nervous about eternity.  My only hope is that I truly believe that Jesus is merciful.  I remember what Jesus said to the thief on the cross- "Today you will be with me in paradise."  If that's the mercy for the thief on the cross, MAYBE there's room in Heaven for me.