I think one of the secrets to good writing is honesty. I'm going to try to be honest right now.
I just spent... two months in mental hospitals. When you get out of the hospital, it's hard to know what to do with yourself. When I first was hospitalized, I hated it. Passionately hated it to be exact. I wanted to be out. It's funny how things work. Just about the time when I got to the point where I actually kind of liked being in the hospital, that's the point when they said "you are ready to leave." I think life is full of ironies like that. I wish, in some ways, that I could have stayed longer. I was learning things that I can use in the "real world," like I was learning social skills. I guess they thought I was ready to reenter the... "real world", so they kicked me out. And now I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself.
It's interesting. In this season I am doing some stuff. I'm running again, which is a very healthy habit. I spend an hour most days on what I call "my hour of self-care." In that hour, I try to do what is necessary for being healthy. A lot of that hour is spent cleaning my apartment. Being healthy is hard work, and it's my goal to maintain a certain degree of healthiness. For fun, I play correspondence chess. The problem with correspondence chess is it's hard to know how good you are, because some people cheat. I digress. I work Sudoku puzzles, I watch Looney Tunes, and I read books. None of this is very purpose driven.
I want to have some kind of meaningful work. Something that actually contributes to society in a meaningful way. It's weird... I have two bachelor's degrees, and I KNOW I can do more than work as a clerk in a convenience store, which was my last job... but getting a job is hard, particularly if you want a job that isn't minimum wage. I feel stuck. I guess I should be patient with myself. What I want to do is write. I want to write for a living. How do you get a career doing that? I wish I knew.
Please don't feel sorry for me. I'm sure I'll figure this thing out. In some ways I like the way my life is right now. I don't think I've been much healthier than I am right now. I'm proud of the fact that I'm keeping my apartment clean. I'm proud of how I'm doing in my correspondence chess games- I think I'm doing well in all of them, and I did just win a game. I think my running is going well- I ran a mile in under 10 minutes. That's by no means much of an athletic accomplishment for an athlete, but for me it means my body is getting back into shape. I just... I need a purpose. That is what I will be praying for. It's what I need. Here's hoping I find it. Then I'll feel like the pieces are back together.
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5 comments:
Start making your peace with people you have disagreements with.
You know, there are some people who I have had disagreements with. Whether I want to make peace with them or not is another matter. Whoever you are, if you want peace with me, I highly recommend telling me who you are and talking to me about our past conflict. Certainly apologies go a long ways towards making peace. Depending on who you are and what the past conflict was, we may or may not be able to work things out. Whoever you are though, I wish you well.
You need to not only learn how to forgive but also how to be forgiven. There were explicit commands given; Jesus didn't tell Peter there was a limit to forgiveness. Matt 6:15 bears remembering. You must also remember that you could have made mistakes in a state of mind in which you may or may not have been well.
As I get older I realize how important this dictum is in the Christian faith. Forgiveness just doesn't mean stating it, I must ask myself, am I still holding a grudge? If I came to Christ and asked him about this what would his response be?
It could be that some of your conflict that has arisen is due to lack of social skills, a propensity to blow things out of proportion or look for signs of animosity that are simply not there.
I also share some of your own concerns about finding meaningful work and writing for a living. I search for this as well.
You know, Mr. Anonymous, several points.
First of all, don't preach to me while hiding behind a vale of anonymity.
Second of all, Jesus did preach forgiveness. However, he didn't say that you had to have any particular person in your life. Now truthfully, I don't know who you are. I have a suspicion about who you are, however. If you are who I think you are, you did not respect my boundaries on an ongoing basis. I don't have to have people in my life who don't respect boundaries. Whether I hold a grudge or not is none of your business. Your job is to clean up your side of the street. You want to make peace? Clean up your side of the street. If you are who I think you are, I actually WANTED to make peace in a righteous way, and you declined. You were an asshole in that situation. So you know, if you want to make peace with me, there's very little stopping you. Tell me who you are (if I am mistaken about who you are, I will apologize, but I strongly suspect I know who you are) and clean up your side of the street, and leave my side of the street to me. And please stop preaching about forgiveness when you are unwilling to apologize. Jesus mainly taught that we should forgive people who apologize. That was a main thrust of his teaching. It's more ambiguous whether we should forgive people who are unrepentant. Something to chew on.
Oh, and stop using the comments section of my blog to snipe at me. If you want to make peace and have my phone number, text me and ask for my address and I'll give it to you, and you can write me a letter where you can talk about the mistakes you made so that you can clean up your side of the street, which is the only side you should be talking about. Talking about MY SIDE of the street is a boundaries violation, and you need to stop doing that. I won't publish any more of your comments. If you don't have my phone number, I guess you'll have to find some other way to get my address, because I'm not posting that information here. I don't know what to say. If you are who I think you are, you said hurtful things to me all the time, and I have no interest in spending time with people who do that kind of thing, and your posts here do not convey any real change as far as how you operate. This was not the way to make peace with me.
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