Picking Up the Pieces

I think one of the secrets to good writing is honesty. I'm going to try to be honest right now.

I just spent... two months in mental hospitals. When you get out of the hospital, it's hard to know what to do with yourself. When I first was hospitalized, I hated it. Passionately hated it to be exact. I wanted to be out. It's funny how things work. Just about the time when I got to the point where I actually kind of liked being in the hospital, that's the point when they said "you are ready to leave." I think life is full of ironies like that. I wish, in some ways, that I could have stayed longer. I was learning things that I can use in the "real world," like I was learning social skills. I guess they thought I was ready to reenter the... "real world", so they kicked me out. And now I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself.

It's interesting. In this season I am doing some stuff. I'm running again, which is a very healthy habit. I spend an hour most days on what I call "my hour of self-care." In that hour, I try to do what is necessary for being healthy. A lot of that hour is spent cleaning my apartment. Being healthy is hard work, and it's my goal to maintain a certain degree of healthiness. For fun, I play correspondence chess. The problem with correspondence chess is it's hard to know how good you are, because some people cheat. I digress. I work Sudoku puzzles, I watch Looney Tunes, and I read books. None of this is very purpose driven.

I want to have some kind of meaningful work. Something that actually contributes to society in a meaningful way. It's weird... I have two bachelor's degrees, and I KNOW I can do more than work as a clerk in a convenience store, which was my last job... but getting a job is hard, particularly if you want a job that isn't minimum wage. I feel stuck. I guess I should be patient with myself. What I want to do is write. I want to write for a living. How do you get a career doing that? I wish I knew.

Please don't feel sorry for me. I'm sure I'll figure this thing out. In some ways I like the way my life is right now. I don't think I've been much healthier than I am right now. I'm proud of the fact that I'm keeping my apartment clean. I'm proud of how I'm doing in my correspondence chess games- I think I'm doing well in all of them, and I did just win a game. I think my running is going well- I ran a mile in under 10 minutes. That's by no means much of an athletic accomplishment for an athlete, but for me it means my body is getting back into shape. I just... I need a purpose. That is what I will be praying for. It's what I need. Here's hoping I find it. Then I'll feel like the pieces are back together.