Sometimes when you sit down to write, you aren't even sure what to write. I don't think it is writer's block, it is just one of those days where spirituality is not on the surface. Today wasn't a bad day- I managed to deal with a "bug" in my code that had long eluded me and so I am quite pleased to have gotten rid of it. I read the last four chapters of Acts today, but nothing awe inspiring stood out from that. I guess you could say today is an above average day with little to write home about.

I think our challenge is to accept that we will have days like this or worse. Days where all we do is what we are supposed to do and we don't go out to eat or rent a movie or meet a major goal or anything- the sort of day that given too many of which, might lead us into sin or other bondage in trying to cope with the boredom. It is a challenge living these ordinary days, isn't it? Perseverance isn't easy for anyone. It is particularly tough when we give ourselves seasons where we just get whatever we want. I think most people have experienced this phenomena. You just want to feel good, and so for a short or long season you spoil yourself, giving in to various desires in excess of what a disciplined life should. And then, when you come to your senses, you stop it but now things have changed. Now life has to titillate the senses, now the ordinary is not enough. The consequence of an undisciplined life is discontentment when you do decide to be disciplined and it takes a long time to come to grips with the ordinariness of life. Or maybe you just continue gratifying certain desires and avoid some of the boredom?

A Nuanced Perspective On Christians In the Wedding Business Versus Gay Couples

While it is clear to me that it is not right to legally obligate Christians to bake gay wedding cakes, or otherwise force Christians to do something they feel uncomfortable with, I am not worried about what will happen if the law does make it illegal to discriminate, because those with deeper faiths will have no problem serving the gay community. Let me elaborate.

It's kind of a two-edged subject. It really grieves me that our court system is forcing Christians to do something they believe violates their consciences. I understand why they feel that way, and I'm sure I would feel at least a little uncomfortable if I were in their shoes. The thing is, though, that being a Christian should mean having to do things that are uncomfortable. What did Jesus say? Love your enemies? Pray for those that persecute you? If you are told to carry a load one mile, go two miles? See, Jesus was aware that Christians were going to be asked, or told for that matter, to do things they didn't want to do. Jesus made it clear that we weren't just supposed to do those things, but basically do them with gusto. The deeper faith response is not, "Do I agree with what they are asking me to do?" but "Will me doing what they are asking or telling me to do testify to the goodness of God?"

Here's a good question. How does refusing to serve a gay couple a cake going to show those people that God loves them? That's the thing. It doesn't. Maybe the refuser avoids feeling awkward and uncomfortable. When you read the gospels, does it sound like Jesus wanted you to avoid feeling awkward and uncomfortable at the cost of not showing the true love of God to people who need it? I don't think there is any evangelistic bonus that comes from refusing to serve a gay couple. They just think you hate them, and by proxy, that God in turn hates them. I'm pretty sure that is NOT what Jesus wanted.

God Loves Gay People

I have heard this sentiment that God hates gay people from multiple sources, and this line of thinking grieves me to no end. Something needs to be said.

To be clear, I know there are a lot of scriptures that say that God doesn't like gay sex. This is true. However, there are a whole host of things that God doesn't like. He doesn't like infidelity, or even coveting your neighbors wife. He doesn't like theft or murder- or even cussing someone out. Truthfully, there are MANY MANY things that God doesn't like. Does that mean that God hates people who are thieves, or murderers, or for that matter, practically everyone? NO! In fact, I think it is clear from scripture that God doesn't like certain behaviors BECAUSE he loves us. Because God has something better for us than a life of thieving and hating and coveting. It is God's desire to invade every human and transform them into something fit for heaven. That is God's goal. Somehow, the fact that God doesn't like these things has been transformed into a line about God hating people. Let me be clear here- if you are communicating to ANYONE that God doesn't love them because of the sin in their lives, you are utterly failing the mission of God as stated in the gospels. We need to be emissaries of the truth. God may hate your behavior, but only BECAUSE God loves you.

You know, if you think about it, this actually makes sense. If I don't love someone, I don't care what they do. They may do as they please and it makes me no difference. If I don't love you, what do I care what you do? See what is going on here? I realize there are multiple scriptures about "putting homosexuals to death," particularly in Leviticus. However, at that time there was no answer for rampant sin other than death- and if you think homosexual sex was the only sin that God said required a death sentence, you are fooling yourself. There were a whole host of sins that called for the death penalty in the Old Testament, many of which we don't think twice about today. Anyhow, when Jesus came, he provided an alternative solution- God indwelling in man. Also, to be clear, ever since the fall, God has been drawing humanity closer to himself. When we fell, we fell hard. I believe God gave the commands in Leviticus and the other stringent laws because man's heart was hard, and sin had to be dealt with harshly because man wasn't ready for God to dwell inside of him/her. Before Christ, God had been working a very long time to draw man close enough to himself so that humanity could handle having God dwell inside of him. And then Jesus came, and a new revelation about the nature of God came. It is this revelation we need to be sharing.

As an aside, I do believe that there needs to be a clear distinction made between the Levitical laws about morality and the Levitical laws about everything else. I believe that God still cares about the morals behind the moral laws, but the other laws aren't important to the Christian, because they were designed around separating the Jews from the neighboring peoples who God wanted the Jews to be separate from. I say this because some people are trying to say that because the rules about uncleanliness, as an example, are no longer in effect, that God doesn't care about homosexuality, either. That is a misunderstanding about what Jesus did. Simply put, there is a difference between the moral laws and the ones that were designed to keep the Jews from assimilating with the people that lived in the land that God gave them. And to be clear here, no I don't believe in the death penalty for moral law violations. It just means that God still frowns on certain behaviors, NOT that people who commit those behaviors should be put to death. I wish I could leave this paragraph out, as I'm not sure it fits in the spirit of this post, but I feel it is important to note this distinction as some are saying that "Because I know God doesn't care whether or not I touch a pigskin, that also means that God doesn't care whether I have homosexual sex." That is a misunderstanding about scripture that requires clarification.

I want to sum up by saying to any gay person who happens upon this blog and has managed to read this this far on this post, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that Christians have communicated to you that God doesn't love you. I'm sorry that Christians treat you badly, like you have a dangerous communicable disease or something. And while it should be clear from this post that I don't agree with the idea that God made you gay, I do believe that it may have been difficult for you to have avoided coming to the conclusion you are gay. And truth be told, I don't understand why so many people feel this way. It's a mystery to me. I would be underselling God if I didn't say that I believe that God can heal and transform your gayness into being a heterosexual. However, while I believe this is possible, and it is my hope for every person with this burden, I don't believe that is the first issue that God wants to deal with, in a person with this issue. First God wants to tell you that he loves you and cares about you more than you'll ever know. If he can heal your heart, then everything else will follow suit. Now if only Christians could show God's love to everyone as God intended- then we would really be getting somewhere...

Comparisons Between Trump and Hitler

I realize that this is off the beaten path of what I typically talk about on this blog, but there have been floating about the web comparisons between our current president and possibly the worst dictator ever to walk the face of God's green earth- Adolf Hitler. I'm currently reading a biography about Dietrich Bonhoeffer and I feel I need to weigh in on this issue, as the biography talks extensively about how Hitler slowly acquired power and implemented his hatred for the Jews. I think the comparisons have merit, but I think there are key differences as well. Let me elaborate.

First of all, the similarities are striking. Both Hitler and Trump rose on nationalistic emotions that ran deep within their respective countries. Both of them ran on a certain degree of xenophobia- Hitler towards the Jews and the Communists, and Trump towards Muslims and illegal immigrants. Both of them have significant psychological issues- Hitler was basically considered a madman of sorts, and Trump an extreme narcissist. Both of them took advantage of gullible Christians. However, I think that is the bulk of the similarities. It's important to also note the differences.

When Hitler came to power, it was roughly 14 years after the Treaty of Versailles was signed. Much of the anger that Hitler channeled came from how intensely humiliating the treaty was to the German people. If Germany would have won World War I, or if the terms of the treaty weren't quite so stringent, I'm fairly confident World War II would not have happened, and Hitler would not have come to power and been able to take over the entire government. Now Trump has no such rallying cry, and while he did get elected I think the populace is just as likely to vote him out at the next opportunity. In our country, I have a hard time imagining Muslims being treated as badly as the Jews were in Germany in the years leading up to World War II. Maybe I lack imagination, but without something like the Versailles event it will be difficult to turn Muslims into the pariah the Jews were in Germany before World War II. Also noteworthy- our democracy has existed a whole lot longer than Germany's had when Hitler was elected. The importance of this is that having a stable democracy makes it significantly more difficult for someone like Trump to take over the entire government and turn it into a dictatorship like Hitler did. I'm trying to use my imagination about how it might be possible for Trump to abolish the House of Representatives and the Senate- no. I cannot conceive of a circumstance that would allow Trump to remove this important element from power.

Also noteworthy- our constitution has maintained order in our democracy for over two centuries. Germany had only had a democracy for 14 years when Hitler came to power. They WANTED a dictatorship, or something more similar to a monarchy. I have a hard time conceiving our military allowing our president to become a dictatorship, or for the people of this country to tolerate losing their right to vote. Why would they? We have a thriving democracy. I have faith that the vast majority of Americans, and our military, would fight for the rights of the people to have a say in governance. Which means it would VERY DIFFICULT for Trump to follow in Hitler's footsteps. What is far more likely is that Trump will be impeached, or the 25th Amendment rule where the majority of the cabinet can rule the president unfit for office- these possible circumstances are FAR more likely than Trump becoming a dictator. While Trump's noted hatred for the first amendment has been duly noted, I don't think he will be able to stop the press from publishing unflattering reports about the president's decisions. I admit that is a scary situation, but even if Trump could replace all the Supreme Court positions, he'd still have to get nominees through congress that have to support the constitution, or congress wouldn't allow them to be appointed. In short, I believe our rights are pretty safe. Not completely safe- not so long as someone like Trump is running our country, but pretty safe.

All this to say I think we as a country can somewhat rest easy. I'm not saying there aren't political fights worth fighting- for one thing, Trump's desire to "repeal and replace Obamacare" is unsettling. His tax plan is disgusting. And many other things he wants to do I think will do enormous damage to the health of our country. However, I think the risk of Trump taking over the entire government and becoming a dictator is EXTREMELY unlikely, though I do believe there is a prospect that we will choose to destroy North Korea or end up in war with some other country for no good reason. At least we'll have the ability to vote Trump out in four years, and if by some miracle Trump somehow is not impeached in the next four years and somehow also wins reelection (God forbid), the constitution states that he can only be in office for a total of eight years. I know, that's a long time. However, it isn't a lifetime- and his predecessor WILL be elected by the people. And that fact helps me sleep at night...

Anthem Kneeling

I have seen a lot of upset posts about the protests and some standing up for the protesters, and it feels like an issue ripe for discussion. Here is my take.

It's interesting how such a thing as how you act during the national anthem is construed as a huge deal by some people. It's hard when the people kneeling in response to the anthem are millionaires who play a game for a living. As a white person living just a little above the poverty line and who has never been discriminated against because of his skin color, it's hard to connect to African-American millionaires who play a sport for money, protesting during the national anthem. However, this is an issue with multiple sides, and if I practice empathy, I realize that these men in their protest are reminding us that there is grave injustice going on on a daily basis all around us. That grown men are getting shot by the police, and then when that policeman is arrested he often gets off without a conviction- that's a big deal. If I take a moment and step into another man's shoes, I see that this injustice going on is a big deal- how can you draw attention to it? To be fair, these anthem protests are pretty effective. Without destroying property or making a street impassible by filling it with people, these athletes are drawing attention to an issue that is being somewhat ignored by White-America.

I don't know what to say- I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I'm grateful for what America has done for me. I'm painfully aware that there are many worse situations I could be in than the one I'm in. I think America is a great country. It has its faults, true, but overall I'm glad I live here. God has blessed me mightily in my life in this country. I have the freedom to make this blog and say largely whatever I want. It's a land of great opportunity, and I appreciate that. I also appreciate the fact that people died so that I could have this freedom, particularly in World War II. I have running water and food to eat. I have shelter and a place to sleep. I have a car I drive to go where I want to go, and in general I get treated well by the people I come across. I DO NOT want to come off as an ingrate to the people who populate this great country. On the other hand, grave injustice is going on in this country. African-Americans are afraid they will be shot when they come home from work by police who jumped to conclusions about their behavior. When an African-American walks around a store, sometimes it's assumed they're there to shoplift and are treated accordingly. Basically... I mean, I don't want to exaggerate what I imagine it is like for a person of color, but I have had conversations, and I know that it isn't as rosy for them as it seems to generally be for me. As a man who loves God, I'm called to care about the problems of my neighbor. How should I respond?

I'm at a loss. I'm really wrestling with how I should feel about all this. There doesn't seem to be a clear right answer as to what to say. Jesus cared a lot about strangers and about race-related issues. His story about the good Samaritan highlights that. He picked a foreigner for the hero of that story- that says something about Jesus. Here's what I can say- we as a nation would do well to consider another person's perspective. God doesn't want us divided as a nation over issues we should agree on- like whether it's okay for police to shoot African-Americans and get away with it. We should all be able to agree that that is bad. Can we agree that Colin Kaepernick has generally good reasons for protesting? Possibly, but I'm not even sure that we can all agree on that. I PERSONALLY feel that the issues being protested are far more significant than the importance of standing during the national anthem- maybe because I'm grieved over the injustice African-Americans experience on a day to day basis? Possibly. In my heart of hearts though, I wish there was a better way for these very wealthy athletes to protest what they are protesting. I think football should be football, not a forum for expressing grievances about injustice in our country.

Life on Earth- Training Ground For Eternal Life?

Years ago I read "The Great Divorce." In my rereading of "lies we believe about GOD," I'm finding the truth within "The Great Divorce" to be quite helpful. Let me elaborate.

In "The Great Divorce," a bus of people are taken from hell into Heaven. These people discover that everything in Heaven is far more... real... than anything in hell, so much so they can't even really walk on the grass there or do anything. This is because the way these people lived their lives on Earth did not prepare them for life in Heaven. Now to be fair, there is at least one passage in scripture that seems to contradict this possible interpretation of Heaven and hell- when Jesus was on the cross, he told one of the thieves that "today you will be with me in paradise." Perhaps God extends some grace to certain people? Or maybe this analogy isn't entirely fitting? I don't know. But it seems just to me. If you live your whole life in relationship with God, building your faith muscles and becoming strong in the Lord, it makes sense that that is training for eternal life. If you live your whole life cowering in fear or based on selfishness and greed, your faith muscles are bound to atrophy, and you will not at all be prepared for the rigors of Heaven. Here's the real question: what if living in relationship with God is preparation for Heaven, and what if choosing pride, self-righteousness, fear, and other nonfaith emotions just prepares you for perdition? What if the people of hell aren't just "not welcome" in Heaven, but actually can't survive the very "realness" of Heaven itself?

I like this thinking a lot. For one, it takes the blame away from God as being some sort of dictator punishing bad behavior and rewording good behavior. I'm sure God judges people on a more meaningful scale than just measuring our good decisions and our mistakes, but see... with this thinking it turns the judgment into a problem of our own making, AND it also turns having a right heart attitude, more than having the best actions, as key. See, with the right heart attitude, you mature as a believer and grow in faith, which is what you want. If all that matters is your behavior, you can get puffed up thinking that you did some things right. If it's the heart though instead of the actions, your motives for doing what you did come into play, which reveals the depth or the dearth of your faith. And it's that same depth of faith that makes it easier or more difficult to live in the realness of Heaven, depending on whether your faith muscles grew or shrank while on Earth. I think that is just.

If you look at scripture, it is clear that God values faith in a way that is hard for us to really grasp. Now I'm pondering the possibility that the reason faith is so prized by God is because he made his kingdom based on it, and that those that live and die by faith are the ones who will be the rulers and the rich in his kingdom- faith being the key element that makes us fit for Heaven. Maybe that thief's faith-filled-exclaim was enough for him to survive the rigors of Heaven? Maybe! And maybe the reason Jesus said that the rich have so much trouble getting into Heaven is simply because they've never lived on faith a day in their lives, so they aren't at all ready for the rigors of Heaven? I'm beginning to see the beauty of this explanation. When Jesus told the rich young ruler to sell all he had and come follow him, perhaps he said these things because he was looking out for the best interests of the young man?

"The just shall live by faith." Yeah. And those that live by faith will be ready for Heaven when they get there...

Salvation

I'm reading a book right now called "lies we believe about GOD" by Wm. Paul Young. There are many good things in this book, but one thing that I found troubling was the notion that everyone is "saved." I must expound on this.

It is the current dogma of much of Christendom that "only belief in Jesus Christ leads to salvation." Now I agree with Paul Young that this belief has a profound effect on the Christian populace. It turns every person into a salesman for hellfire insurance. Is that what God wanted? Did God want his people to become "salesmen for Jesus?" See, I'm troubled by this. If the subject arises, sure- I'll talk about my faith without hesitancy. And if I do someone a solid by helping them out (giving a hitchhiker a ride, buying a meal for a stranger, et cetera) I may offer to pray with the person in question, hoping to minister the love of God that way. However, the idea that we are condemning people to hell because we don't talk about our faith all the time, which makes a person someone who isn't of faith might want to avoid- that's depressing and sad. We are called to be "the light of the world," but that doesn't mean we intentionally shine said light directly into peoples' eyes. No one likes that or wants that. It turns people we love into projects, and no one- I repeat, NO ONE wants to be another person's project. However, I don't believe the solution is salvation for everyone, as you will soon see.

Jesus talked openly and often about hell. One particularly pointed conversation about hell came in Matthew 25:31-46 seen here. This passage is a warning that every person should take to heart, for it's not about faith in Jesus or everyone going to heaven. In this passage, it's a person's own actions that save or condemn them. I want to say this. I believe God is going to evaluate everyone's life by their heart. God knows a good heart and a bad heart when he sees one. I also think that people with an intimate relationship with God are going to be in heaven. Beyond that, it's up to the mercies and kindnesses of our God, who judges hearts on a case by case basis. So then you ask me, what does that mean for the unbeliever? What does this mean for the atheist, the agnostic? See, we want to categorize everyone, as if that helped. Each person's heart will be evaluated based on their own merits. I believe God sends people to other people as an exam. How one responds to this exam will be used as evidence, either for or against a person, on the day of judgment. These "exams" are the place where God is checking our hearts out to see what we are made of, and whether we are fit for eternal life. No one can pass your exams for you. The greatest tests will come from the people closest to us- if you cannot treat your spouse, your kids, your parents and siblings well, what point is there in examining how you treat the man you come across on the street? Each man will be tried by the life they lived, whether the love they idolized actually existed in their day-to-day life. That's the point- to be more loving than you started out as.

What does this all mean? Some people ARE going to hell. However, stopping someone from going to hell is more about loving a person and showing God's goodness than it is about witnessing to someone. Love is what matters. Quit seeing people as projects in need of saving, and start looking at relationships as a meaningful opportunity to serve your fellow man. We're all called to serve, and everyone can do it. We're all called to live intimate, deep relationships with God and with some of the people around us. We're called to be light bringers. Be that city on a hill that can't be hidden! People are bound to notice, even if you don't shine the light directly in their eyes...

A Grief Observed

For anyone who has read CS Lewis, there's a stark contrast between his books "The Problem of Pain" and "A Grief Observed." The difference between them is, one is a book on the theory about pain from someone who had not yet really walked through anything tragically painful, while the other is about the practical experience of losing his wife. There IS NO COMPARING these two books, as they are worlds apart from each other. That's the problem with experiencing something first hand- it becomes real in a way that you didn't really understand before you walked through it. That's what this post is about- the feeling of loss and how to recover from tragedy.

I can hear anyone who knows me say, "no one close to you has died." And that is, in essence, true. I've never had a friend, a lover, or a family member I was really close to pass on. I haven't. I have had a bout with insanity, however. When that happened, I lost way more than I can easily put in words. Several things transpired during my illness. I was thrown into jail. I was physically assaulted by a police officer. I had medication injected into me against my will (multiple times in fact). I had a tube shoved up my penis. And I spent a sum total of four very long months in captivity in a mental hospital, without the freedom to do what I wanted. For me that was just the beginning. I lost some of my friends. I lost my spiritual home, to which I could not return to. I lost my job. I lost so much that I cannot express in words the ache I feel from the losses incurred. It hurts like hell. Where do I begin? I don't know. If I got honest, life has been a great, intense pain for me. Rejection is life.

I know some of you are wondering if I'm just here today to complain about the injustice of it or the sadness of it. No. I'm not. Right now I'm trying very hard to let it go. It's hard for me. The things that happened as a consequence of my illness were extremely hurtful and sad. I'll never be the same. I won't! I can't. The interesting thing is, if I had lost an arm or a leg or something like that, I think it would be easier for people to grasp the size of my loss. Instead I lost my dignity, my freedom, my trust in God. It's sad losing friends, a spiritual home, and a job, but picking up the pieces afterwards has been exceedingly difficult for me and I'm not entirely sure why. I guess part of it is I never thought in concrete terms what all had transpired. I went through hell, and I'm one of only a few people who know what it's like to be incarcerated in a mental hospital for four months. I know what it's like to basically lose everything. It still hurts when I think about it.

Now, now that years have passed and I'm supposed to be better, I'm thinking about the catastrophe that befell me in a different light. I'm looking for the collateral beauty in it all. It's hard. I don't think you see- it's not just A LITTLE hard. It's very hard. I'm beginning to see it though. I'm a deeper person because of what happened. And I understand mental illness in a way that few can. I know it first hand. But let's get back to the deeper part. I know what pain is in a way few can relate to. So when I meet someone who is going through hell themselves, I'll be able to connect. I've been there, done that. I know what that's like. And you know what? When you have been through the worst, it gives you a deeper appreciation for everything. Life is precious. We don't have time to waste. It's time to "get busy living or get busy dying" as "The Shawshank Redemption" said. I think I understand that better now than I've ever understood it. It's God's honest truth. I don't think I can forget it. We can't let the worst of life ruin us. There's too much at stake. Got to get back on that horse and ride it. Life was meant to be lived, not just observed. I'm just starting to see how important it is to move on. Hopefully you all will forgive me for taking my time while I've been on the mat, but getting up after this fall has been as hard as hell. However, I think it's time to get off the mat...

The Fear of the Lord is the Beginning of Wisdom

I want to start this off with a movie quote that seems... inappropriate, but I will explain why I'm using it:

"I hope so, for your sake. The emperor is not as forgiving as I am."

This quote, from "Return of the Jedi," strikes a theme I want to hit on. Jesus and God the Father are two distinctly different people. Jesus is the forgiving one. He died on a cross so that grace could be received by humanity. That grace is necessary because God is not that much like Jesus. God is... distinctly different. God longs for justice. If you offend him directly, don't ASSUME that having Jesus as your defense attorney will save you. Nowhere in scripture does Jesus say or even imply that faith in him will save you even if you offend God. You need to take this seriously. The subject of "The fear of the Lord" is constant throughout the Bible. Proverbs talks about it. Jesus talked about it. It's ubiquitous in the Bible. See http://www.feargod.net/verses.php Fearing God is the OPPOSITE of a works-based religion, and the basis of true humility. If you fear God, you will do what he says no matter what- and you will simply be pleased to be a servant or a slave to God without earning any honor for said obedience. That is what it means to fear the Lord. To fear God is to not want to do anything that might bring God's ire. God is not someone you want to offend.

This is such a serious subject that I don't know how to emphasize it strongly enough. Jesus said you shouldn't fear man, but fear God alone: "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell." There is no game here. You can't score points with God through repentance. God doesn't want the sort of relationship that vacillates between disobedience and forgiveness. God is not into playing games like that. If he thinks you don't really fear him because you prayed a prayer or some other such nonsense, this post should shock you back to reality. God isn't messing around when it comes to justice. He'll send someone to hell for cursing someone out- surely you should be wary of being complacent with such a being!

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that God doesn't love people or that we must live our entire lives walking on eggshells. Just... it's important to realize how serious it is if we offend our maker and not demonstrate TRUE repentance. TRUE repentance requires that you go back to the person you hurt and make amends. You can't take this sort of thing lightly. If you offend your maker, you must take that thing to God and do EVERYTHING you can to make it right. You can't skip steps because they are awkward or uncomfortable. And you don't want to be repeating sins over and over- this sort of "game playing" where you think you can sin and repent later is not one your maker thinks highly of. Repentance is about deep, inward change. If you need help to change, then pray the change you need in. See a therapist if you need to. Join a twelve-step group. Do what you must to end the cycle. If you don't, don't expect mercy from your maker in the end...

My Struggle to Call God 'Daddy'

I believe it is the heart of God to have an intimate relationship with me, and with everyone that is willing to pay the price for it. This term "Daddy" would signify that I have a profoundly intimate relationship with God. For me, though, there was a time when I used that term and it was normal. I was able to walk in that and be comfortable with it. Unfortunately, a spirit was allowed into my midst that mimicked the voice of God and deceived me, leading to all kinds of trouble. How this happened, I have thoughts on, but I prefer to keep those private. Nevertheless, now- now that I'm through that season and am healing from all the damage that happened to me in the fallout from my decisions related to following said spirit, I'm revisiting what I call God.

See, I think you can learn something about a person's relationship with God by what they call 'God'. The term 'God' is very formal. Me calling God 'God' is a little like my best friend calling me "Mr. Zlatnik". It's rather formal and distant. No one close to me calls me "Mr. Zlatnik." No, that is what my first name is for- Sean. If I had a wife, she probably wouldn't even call me "Sean." She'd call me "honey" or "dear" or some other term of endearment. So what you call someone says a lot about your relationship with that person. What I call God matters, and the fact I don't want to call him "Daddy" is more of an issue than you might think. It signifies how wounded and betrayed I feel by God. How do I get over that? I've prayed about it, speaking forgiveness over God- which sounds weird, but I think if people are honest, we all have reasons to be angry at God, and mine are more than "I didn't get a great job." or "I didn't get the wife I wanted." God allowing a spirit to speak to me and deceive me into thinking that spirit was him hurts lots and lots. I don't even know where to begin with that. I believe God has a purpose for the things I did- and I believe I even know what that purpose is. However, that really doesn't solve the sense of betrayal for me. It doesn't! I wish that it did.

So here I am. I'm struggling to come to terms with this "betrayal," for lack of a better word. I'm also struggling with the idea that I DO want to be able to have adventures by hearing God's voice and obeying. At this point, I don't know how that could be possible. I don't know how to have that kind of relationship with God without being crazy. It's sad and frustrating for me- the kind of relationship I want with God is to follow God anywhere, but at the same time every time I've tried to do that it has done significant damage to my relationships, to my finances and basically is like me being at war with myself, attempting to destroy all I hold dear with my own two hands. So I don't know how to have that kind of relationship and be sane at the same time. I wish I knew. I want to have good adventures with God. I want to minister to people deeply. And most of all, I want to call God "Daddy" again without it hurting when I say it. I don't know how to do these things. I wish I did...

Why Jesus Said That Narrow Was The Road To Heaven

Jesus made it clear that Heaven was exclusive- that not everyone who claimed to be a follower of Jesus would get into Heaven. I believe I have some insight as to why Jesus said what he said. Bear with me, I have a purpose I am trying to reach.

I believe very strongly that the point of Jesus's teaching on Heaven and hell was not to give us a picture of the nature of God. God longs to have relationship with each and every human being on planet earth. He longs for justice and mercy at the same time, two conflicting emotions that God cannot fully rectify in himself. Jesus didn't talk about the way to Heaven being narrow because God doesn't want everyone in Heaven- he talked this way so that his followers would have seriousness of purpose. You can "luckily" find your way away from Hell, simply because God likes you. However, you can't "accidentally" escape the fires of Hell. You must have done something- SOMETHING right. Of course there's always purgatory, and going to Heaven with no treasure at all. Only a few will go to Heaven rich, and those few will find everlasting joy in the life to come. Heaven is for those that live- abide- in relationship with God.

God as judge, will examine humanity one human at a time, and he will judge rightly based on the condition of each human's heart and how each human responded when God reached out to them. God is just. He cannot- and WILL NOT- allow any sin to go without consequence. Every decision we make has its consequences. Just because the blood of Jesus covers it doesn't mean that the consequences for that sin will be denied a place. Heaven is not for everyone. Everyone who lives authentic lives before God will find mercy on the day of judgment. Some will find a degree of mercy simply because God likes their attitude and those people passed the exams that God gave them. God reserves the right to be merciful TO WHOMEVER HE WANTS TO BE MERCIFUL TO. Some atheists are going to at least Purgatory simply because they passed their exams and God liked their heart attitude. They may be poor in Heaven, or they may just end up in purgatory- all depends on what they did with their lives and why they did what they did. There will be some people who claimed Jesus with their words but with their actions they denied him. These will be surprised that Jesus refuses to defend them because he finds their hearts too odious to be willing to claim them. DON'T ASSUME JUST BECAUSE YOU PRAYED A PRAYER THAT HEAVEN WILL BE OPEN TO YOU. Did you pass your tests? Did you do what is right in the eyes of your maker? Did you receive God's love when it came to you, and did you love the people God called you to love? These are important questions that demand an answer. God reserves the right to judge each human being rightly, each on their own sins and merits. He reserves the right to forgive some sins due to repentance , and hold others accountable because they just never understood how badly they screwed up. Heaven is God's home. He'll let people in that he likes and that are worthy. He'll send the borderline cases and the difficult ones to purgatory. The real riffraff and the ones who truly fucked up their lives and the lives around them will go to hell and will never escape. God is just.

Don't forget this. Jesus warned that God was an intense person that doesn't pussyfoot around when it comes to sin. God isn't into games. You can't score points with your maker by good deeds. You can't fail your exams and then expect to make up for this through sacrifice. God will test you- and you never know when a test is coming your way. When a test comes, however, it is important that you pass it. No one is going to pass your tests for you. God is watching your decisions, and you never know when an exam will come your way. Be ready to have a right heart attitude when your test comes. Be ready to love. And know this- God longs to be close to everyone. If you refuse his love when it comes, it will be remembered. God wants to be part of your life. If you don't let him in, there will be consequences...

Go Out and Live Your Life

Before I get started, I want to post the following link to watch before you read this post. This video says it all.



Life was meant to be lived. Life wasn't meant to just avoid sin or just to exist long enough to die and go to Heaven. Eternity was meant to be an extension of your life, not a destination to be traveled to. I think a movie that best exemplifies what I'm talking about is "Stranger Than Fiction." If you haven't seen "Stranger Than Fiction," in it a man is just going through the motions in living his life, until one day he starts hearing a narrator, who is narrating his life- and this changes everything. He finds out he's going to die. How he comes to terms with his imminent death is really much of the point of the story. One memorable quote from the movie is "You could eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted." I think the point of that remark is that the quality of the pancakes versus the quality of the life that is being lived is a relevant comparison. You could live 100 years and just barely exist for most of them and it would be meaningless. As I write these words I am convicted of how I'm living my own life, but that does not make these words any less true. Make a decision today to not just exist and get by. Choose today to make the most of what your maker has given you. Go out and live your life.

It Belongs to You? Really?

I had this epiphany on my way home from work. Honestly, I had read about this particular idea in "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, but truthfully this topic is not something that gets talked about in Christian circles as much as it should, and even when it IS talked about, I don't think the truth of it really sinks in. I'm not sure how deeply I get it yet, but... I think the truth of what I'm saying went a level deeper than it was before. This topic- the fact that everything belongs to God, including our time, our bodies, our money, and our relationships, requires elaboration.

I think as Christians we tend to give lip-service to this idea. We SAY that it all belongs to God, but... we don't really believe it. Take the subject of sexual sin. God says that all sexual activity outside the confines of marriage are forbidden. How do we respond? We say "It's our body. We may do as we please." Same thing with homosexual activity. Ultimately, everything from masturbating to porn to having sex with anyone you aren't married to (and homosexual marriages aren't acknowledged by God) falls outside of how sex was intended by God. How do we respond to this? It's OUR body, so we may do as we please. We do the same thing with our time, our money- pretty much anything we use and abuse that one could think of owning, we claim ownership over. However, our bodies and our time and money- who said that they were actually ours? Of course, to the secular mind we ARE a body, so it follows from such a perspective that our bodies belong to us. Truthfully, we could no more create a human being through working with dust than a pig could learn to fly. All body functions are in some sense understandable by science, however we are in no position to WILL things to work as they do. The miracle of life is beyond our control. Our bodies belong to God- they have from the beginning of time. We are borrowing them, as we ARE a soul, not a body. When we die, our body is reclaimed, and we continue on into new life, and we are given new bodies in a different realm. Our time on this earth also is not ours. Why do we think it is ours? Who told us that we own our time here on earth? I'm not sure where this idea came from. We think that by being given free will, that somehow the choices we make belong to us. This is an illusion. Please don't misunderstand me- I don't believe God to be a harsh taskmaster who doesn't want us to have any fun or that we would have no say in how our time is spent. From the beginning, it was God's heart that we would work with him in how the time we are borrowing from him is used. Nevertheless, we ARE borrowing time. Every day is on loan from our maker. We could die at any time- surely if God wanted to, he could have taken my life or yours at any moment He chooses. The illusion of owning my time would then end and I would be forced to meet my maker. Hopefully that day will be a pleasant one and not a painful one, as Heaven is a gift and not an obligation from God.

Here within this message is a plain notion of why God only takes people who live by faith. Part of living by faith is giving to God what actually already belongs to God. If you do what you believe to be right, but don't actually acknowledge that everything we have is on loan from the creator of all things, you are not living in relationship with God, and that is a dangerous place to live. Being good or nice on your terms means denying God his full ownership of your life, and God refuses to play second fiddle to you. He is either God as his rightful place in your life, or he isn't. This is a hard word- and I myself struggle with it, but it is true. Truthfully, only two beings own everything- God and Satan. Anything that isn't devoted to God belongs to Satan, as we have no more ability to own anything than an ant does to the anthill it has created- as you know, such a hill can be destroyed by us at any time. Everything either belongs to God, or Satan: you choose...

The Nature of Faith In God

Modern conversation about faith often revolves around believing in the existence of God. However, believing in God is actually of little value in the kingdom by itself- to understand this, let's talk a bit about some major players in the Old Testament. It is where our journey begins.

Here's the thing. When God came to Abraham, he didn't say "Believe in me because I exist." He asked Abraham to believe that he would have a son, even though his wife and himself were quite along in years and having a kid at that point seemed to require a miracle. This is a pattern that we see consistently in the Bible. God asks his people to believe things that are borderline insane or perhaps even completely insane. We could mention Noah, who believed a major flood was coming and that he should build a boat to house his family and animals to preserve the lives that got on the boat. We could mention Joseph, who believed that God was going to have him be a ruler over his brothers and father- after which he was sold into slavery, and later thrown into prison. Then we could speak of David, who was anointed king of Israel, only to find himself hiding in the wilderness being chased around by a megalomaniac. In these stories, God says something fantastic and unbelievable, and really only the listener believes that what God is saying is true. Everyone else viewed it as rubbish. This is foundational in the kingdom. Anyone with a big purpose in the kingdom has to go through this. If you don't believe God is asking you to believe anything magnificent and seemingly crazy, then I would question whether you are a major player in the kingdom. The major players all have dreams that can only be accomplished by faith in the one who gave the dream. I think it takes more faith to believe God for a modern day miracle than to believe Jesus rose from the dead, something many modern Christians believe and is quite common. God wants you to believe in your own miracle- that vision God is giving you for your own life that you cannot accomplish on your own.

This is the truth right here. God is looking for people who will believe what God tells them and trust God implicitly. If you hear God say something to you that sounds too good to be true, it's only because by trusting God you will see the miracle God gave you come to pass. The bigger and more meaningful the vision, the greater the miracle inside you that needs to happen before the miracle around you can come to pass. David was just a shepherd when God had Samuel anoint him as king. It's because David believed that he was able to walk with God through all the trials between David and his becoming the next king of Israel. That is what true faith looks like- go and do likewise.

My Faith, Grace, and Shifting Theology

Over the past several weeks I've had some new ideas on what faith means. To me, it's hard because the book I read has some truth in it, but some of it contradicts what I've been taught, so I have to really think about what I think the truth really is. I've decided that what makes the best, the absolute best people is grace. The idea that we come to God with nothing, and that he loves us where we are for what we are is the difference-maker. Not for what we wish we were or what we want people to see us as- but simply as we really are. This notion that Yahweh loves us, even as messed up as we are... I think that is foundational to any right living that happens. Are there people who live right but don't really get this? To a degree, sure. In order to truly be great in the kingdom of Heaven, however, one has to accept Heaven and God as a gift- something that cannot be earned by right living. And you must understand that living right is about real love, not about pleasing other people.

The thing I like most about the book I just read (titled "The Jesus Dynasty" by James Tabor) is that it teaches that the early Christians were more focused on Jesus's message than on the man being God incarnate or the other theological beliefs that relate, such as the virgin birth or resurrection in bodily form. I honestly don't know whether these things are true, but the idea that it might matter more to focus on Jesus's teachings than on these other things appeals to me. The core idea of "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and love your neighbor as you would love yourself." seems to me to be more relevant to life than belief in a miracle that may or may not have happened. What Jesus taught itself was somewhat revolutionary- he took righteousness to a whole new level. To even lust is to commit adultery- this insight alone is far more intense than people were taught before Jesus. Other teachings of Jesus indicate that God loves poor people, and as I consider myself poor- at least by American standards- I can relate to this as well. You don't know what love is until you are giving away money to someone in need that you might need yourself. That is genuine love.

I guess my point is that while things tend to be more complex than we imagine them to be, and truthfully, what we wish they were, we're still given the option to largely ignore all those complexities and live as Jesus did- one day at a time, trusting God for our daily bread, loving the people around us to the max, and believing that God loves us simply because it is his nature to love and he made us to be objects of his love. We don't really need more than this to live. We don't have to understand with certainty whether Jesus was resurrected from the dead in bodily form, or whether Jesus was born of a virgin, or all the other obstacles to faith that have been put up by professional religious people. If you don't understand that you yourself are messed up in the first place, then you don't really know your own sinfulness. If you do though, then you can accept that God loves you because it is in his nature to love- always has and always will be. If you can receive that love, then there's hope that you can then disperse that love. That is the hope of humanity- that humans can follow this precise path of humility, to really love the people around them.

It is my hope that you the reader will come to God as a little child and accept God's love as it comes- free of charge, on the house. The truth is we were made by God, and that is the only reason God has to have in order to love us. I hope today you will discover or rediscover how much God loves you, and use that as a catalyst for an entirely new life of ruthless trust in God.

It's Not What You Believe- It's What You Do That Matters

Scripture is awash on this matter. Some passages seem to indicate belief being key, while other passages (such as the one where Jesus separates the sheep from the goats) it seems that what you do is what matters. I'm going to settle this debate once and for all- it's what you do that matters.

I know you are asking me "how do I know?" I know because God sends me on all sorts of assignments. When God sends me on assignments, he doesn't seem to give a rat's ass what I believe. All he cares about is what I do. He DOES care a lot about what I do though. A LOT. In fact, what I do is the whole game from God's perspective. SO as believers we've got to stop majoring on something that doesn't matter and major on what DOES matter- what we do. I can tell I'm right that someone has a heart of gold by their actions. And truth be told, Jesus generally majored on action, as the passage above indicates. Belief in God- sure. it matters some. However, I think I could make a better person out of someone who doesn't believe but loves with their whole heart, than someone who does believe (in one sense) but doesn't really care about other people.

Why Gay Marriage is Bad

I was essentially asked this question by someone recently, and I think it is worthy of further discussion. Here is my point of view on the matter.

In order that one might understand why gay marriage is bad, you first have to understand the point of marriage as it was intended. See, this is a complex question, and will take multiple parts to answer. First of all, when God made the genders, he made them very different, each with very different strengths and weaknesses. These were designed to compliment each other, so that the children produced by such a relationship would get all the love that they need, so that they can go out in the world and do God's will for their lives. Now if we got honest, not every marriage is truly in obedience to Christ's designs, and there is no question in my mind that some loving homosexual couples do a better job than some heterosexual ones, but in the ideal situation the father gives certain kinds of love that meet needs towards the encouragement of following God's plan for the children's lives, while the mother provides the love that says that the children are loved just as they are now. I think the differences are more than that and varied, but this difference I've just illuminated is a significant key. However, there is an even more pressing issue, and that is the idea that marriage represents the relationship between Christ Jesus and his bride.

It is my opinion, which I think is based on scripture, that the marriage relationship was meant to be a demonstration to the world of Christ's relationship with the church. The man, who plays the role of Christ, is supposed to love his wife more than his own life, and be prepared to even die for her if necessary. He is her protector, her lover, and to some extent, her fulfiller. She is supposed to meet God, based on what her husband is like. On the other hand, she is supposed to trust him, and trust him implicitly. Of course, he's supposed to earn that trust by the love that he gives, but I digress... Anyhow, this relationship between man and woman was supposed to be a microcosm of what heaven is like- two people living together, with very different roles to play, but of equal importance. It was supposed to be a witness to the world of what Jesus is like, and how the church was meant to be transformed by His love. This is the ideal situation. Most marriages are not ideal, but hopefully people in the church, as a general rule, try to honor this plan for their marriage.

I hope no one reading this feels I am judging them. I'm talking here about the ideal- and few can handle it. This was what we were born for, to demonstrate God's love for each other, after of course first receiving said love from God. You cannot give what you have not received. I do not judge any man for divorcing his wife, but... I personally see no time for when that would truly be appropriate, if the man is in fact getting his needs met from God. I believe this to be a hard word, but Jesus's feelings about divorce were just as clear. As far as women are concerned, I believe there is a time and place for divorce. Men who abuse their spouses should not be tolerated...

Love, Wisdom, and Passion

It occurred to me that it takes three things to make someone great in the kingdom: love, wisdom, and passion. I believe that the problem is these things don't get married often enough within believers. Most believers major on one or two of these but not all three. It takes all three to drive someone to greatness in the kingdom. I will demonstrate how these things need to be merged, and what happens when someone only has one or two of them...

Love. We talk about love, but what is it? Fundamentally, love is about having an active interest in the concerns of others. If you have love, you will act to help those that you love. If you come across a real need, what do you think? Do you think about doing something, or do you stand on the sidelines? Nothing great in the kingdom is ever done without love. I can think of many examples of so-called "Christians" with passion, and maybe even wisdom, but have not love and are therefore hopeless. Love makes you care. Sometimes, love is the difference between inaction and action. Love on it's own can make a world of difference, but it is only the capacity to act that love demonstrates itself- love does not drive you to act necessarily, nor does it give you the sense of knowing the right way to act or the right time to act. That's where wisdom and passion come in.

Wisdom is about the ability to know the precise answer to a situation. If I love my friend, I'm going to share my faith with him. If I have wisdom, I might then choose the proper time and place to share my faith so as to improve the odds that the seed I am trying to plant might take hold. It might even give me the right angle to come from, to get at the heart of the matter most effectively. Without wisdom, Christians are dangerous in a bad way. We might be well-meaning, but if we say the right thing at the wrong time or in the wrong way, we get nowhere. If we don't know how to be shrewd the way God meant us to be shrewd, we will bungle the opportunities granted us to impact the lives around us. We'll mismanage our time and energy. We'll fight battles we should have avoided, and avoid battles we should have engaged. Wisdom is SO critical to right living before God that without it, our love is somewhat meaningless, as we blow opportunities to make a difference by mistakes that could easily have been averted with a little forethought. Wisdom is what guides our love so that the love is not ineffective. Love and wisdom are great, but without an engine to drive it, little will be accomplished. That engine is passion.

Last but not least of these is passion, the fire that really makes things happen. I would argue that faith is the underlying architect of passion, because passion is faith set on fire. There are plenty of people with passion who do not have love or wisdom. Passion alone is a dangerous thing- it's what makes things like suicide bombers possible. While passion alone is a dangerous thing, without it we'll never believe God for anything of significance. We'll never follow through on the dreams we dream. We won't hunger and thirst for righteousness. Without passion, we will be content to be mediocre and nominal. Passion... every believer must be set ablaze by God or will never amount to anything of significance. You know that people who do stuff like suicide bombing and terror attacks and intense, bold things have no lack of passion. My wish was that there was more passion within the church- if you haven't been set on fire by God then you are only standing in the way. To make a difference on this planet, a real difference, you have to care about your cause within the kingdom and your purpose before God as much as anyone in Satan's camp cares about their cause. We need people who have real passion, directed by real love for God and people and channeled by wisdom to be effective. Without passion, nothing of any real significance is ever accomplished.

I have a vision for what Christianity could be. That vision is a church that loves first and foremost, has the wisdom to guide it so that when that love is shown it is received, and has passion so that the visions we have of our world being made right can be turned into reality. Without these things we are hopeless. To cultivate love, you need to know how much you are loved. To cultivate wisdom, you must seek God for it and learn to see what God sees and to hear what God is saying. To cultivate passion, you must believe that God has a plan for your life that is bigger than just existing and you must receive the Holy Spirit's passion for your own life. Ultimately, you must care about whether God's will happens in your life or not. If you cultivate these three things, you are likely to go somewhere. If you don't, you will be just another nominal Christian whose life amounts to little and has nothing significant to speak of when you get to Heaven. Something to think about...

Patience and Timing

I am learning something fundamental about the kingdom... something I wish I knew a long time ago that only now am I beginning to see daylight. You ever in a conversation with someone about something and... you are wholly convinced you are right about something that you think would make a major difference in the other person's life, but they don't see it at all for some reason? Yeah, most people have been there, done that, and gotten the tee shirt. The fact is, every lesson we learn, we learn in time. Time is God's canvas by which he works out all changes in our lives. So in the kingdom, timing is everything.

I'm learning that change never happens at the pace we expect it to. We expect things and people to change overnight or in an instant. That's not really how life works. I don't have the same perceptions and beliefs I did when I was 20; and in fact I'm sure if I were to meet 'me' at age 20 now we wouldn't see eye-to-eye about much of anything. Is that 20 year old me right about anything that I might be wrong about? It's possible, but I think I've learned more in my day than I've unlearned. I'm pretty sure I'm more right about stuff now than I was back then. Doesn't mean I would be able to teach the 20 year old me anything- being teachable is something that you learn, more or less, in time. Even that is up for negotiation- we are more or less teachable on any given subject at any given point of our lives. The best way a human being in Christ or even out of Christ learns is through time.

God is always orchestrating lessons for us to get past our defenses. In time we mature in many ways. Expecting others to learn things that we only learned the hard way may not be foolish- sometimes people do learn the easy way. Most often, however, it is the hard way we choose, and God teaches much that way. So it is cool that you see how the world and the people around you ought to be, but try to remember that you are not as your maker desires and that some things only change with time. Patience is critical, both with yourself and with the world. People aren't projects- they are human beings in need of our love. I need to remember this most of all, for the temptation to berate a point and in the process "beat a dead horse" is tremendous. Love isn't like that. Remember- timing is everything. The wrong word now might be the right word tomorrow. Timing is everything- we are called to be patient. And Lord please grant me patience...

God is not Available to the Casual Seeker

This is a partial quote from Graham Cooke- it ends with "Seek God with all your heart." I'm here to tell that that's God's honest truth. I'll tell you a secret- you get what you want. I wanted God, so I fasted and prayed and sought his face and worked through garbage and read kingdom books- I wanted God so I got him. People want to hear the voice of God and live in close communion with him, but are unwilling to do the work needed to live in such communion. No. If you want to hear his voice... if you want feel his closeness... if you want HIM you must chase him and pursue him with abandon. Seeking him with your whole heart is a kingdom concept. What you want is what you will get, and personally, I'd rather have God than anything else. I hope you feel the same.