Musings about life with God

God is not Available to the Casual Seeker

2011-10-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

This is a partial quote from Graham Cooke- it ends with "Seek God with all your heart." I'm here to tell that that's God's honest truth. I'll tell you a secret- you get what you want. I wanted God, so I fasted and prayed and sought his face and worked through garbage and read kingdom books- I wanted God so I got him. People want to hear the voice of God and live in close communion with him, but are unwilling to do the work needed to live in such communion. No. If you want to hear his voice... if you want feel his closeness... if you want HIM you must chase him and pursue him with abandon. Seeking him with your whole heart is a kingdom concept. What you want is what you will get, and personally, I'd rather have God than anything else. I hope you feel the same.

The Sin of Betrayal

2011-08-05T01:42:00.000-07:00

This post is a difficult one to write, but I feel it must be written. I don't think this idea is very much understood in the church, so here goes nothing.

First, let us speak on the subject of trust. Trust is a gift you give someone you believe to be safe, someone you believe has your back. You give trust to someone so that you can get close to them. If you do not trust someone, you cannot get close to them- trust is the foundation of all meaningful relationships. Betraying trust, therefore, is to stab someone in the back and probably destroy said relationship. It's the kind of sin that hell is filled with- people who want something from someone who trusts them, so they take what they want, thrashing the relationship in the process. It is one of the worst sins you can commit... Betrayal should never be taken lightly. Am I suggesting there is a time and place for it? I am. There's an easy example- Dietrich Bonhoeffer was involved within a group called the Abwehr. He worked hard to undermine the Nazi government. There's no question that his betrayal of his government will not be thought twice of by our lord and king Jesus... there's no question that that situation warranted his actions. Nevertheless... in general this is at best a dangerous gray area. I'm talking about undercover agents here, who infiltrate the mafia or corrupt governments... I don't know about that, only the Holy Spirit knows. It depends on the situation. You see... when someone trusts you, in essense you are charged with protecting them. If I'm guarding the president, and I turn around and shoot him in the head... at least an honorable enemy has the sense to declare war before firing a shot! I remember a quote from the show Firefly: "You don't know me, son, so let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. You'll be facing me, and you'll be armed." See what I mean? This is an honorable way to fight... and trust me when I tell you that this means a lot in the kingdom. Betrayal has little use for sons of the king. The worst kind of betrayal is for man to betray his wife or his kids. A man is charged with being a protector of his family, and in my eyes, to attack these or let someone else attack these is to betray the people he is charged to protect, and is a far worse sin than if an outsider did the damage. Let me say this- never betray your wife. There might be circumstances where something like this might be warranted, but such circumstances are so extremely rare they are hardly worth mentioning- there are no hard and fast rules in the kingdom, but some come very close... and I believe this is one of them. Love does not betray trust!!!! You don't stab someone in the back who trusts you implicitly unless you want to risk the fires of hell!

I would say the issue of trust and betrayal is so significant in the kingdom... the mafia, as portrayed by "The Godfather"... I'm not sure it's evil enough to warrant undercover work. As they state in the movie, they ran in the business of gambling, prostitution, and the legal system... I'm not saying these aren't serious things, I'm saying the sin of betrayal is worse. I'm not even sure being involved in drugs is enough. Child prostitution... now your talking the kind of organized crime that warrants betrayal. I'm trying to drive home how big a deal betrayal is in the kingdom. Judas, betrayed our king. I had a conversation with family about Judas. Someone thought he got a bad rap. I'm not sure. I do know, though, that Jesus took him in as a mentor, and Judas stabbed the King of Kings in the back for 30 pieces of silver. He betrayed the trust of someone who only loved him, who invested time and energy in him. That must have hurt like hell, to be betrayed like that. I can't even imagine. So it may be that Judas is in one of the nastier parts of hell. Let's hope we never get there. I'm telling you- take the quote from Firefly seriously. If you hate someone close to you... do them the favor of letting them know that you don't want to be close to them anymore before you attack them. At least they'll know you are coming for them. Seriously... remember these words... trust is a gift. Never use that gift to take advantage of someone. If you don't want it, give it back. That should keep you out of some the worst parts of hell at least. Of course, if you don't want to go there at all, you must learn how to follow the king and learn to love, but that is the subject of another post...

It All Belongs To You, God

2010-09-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

This post... is the most intense post I've ever written, but... it is inspired both by what happened, and by a prayer I heard from Graham Cooke- several of the lines were taken directly from it, a prayer I've thought about occasionally since I heard it years ago. I hope this doesn't frighten anyone, but this is my heart and I think it can be very well backed by scripture- each and every line. It also is... a conversation, so God responds. Here goes nothing.

It all belongs to you.
1. My car belongs to you. God: So I could take your transportation away if I wanted to?
Yes. Yes you could.
2. My shelter belongs to you. God: So I could make you homeless if I wanted to?
Yes, you could.
3. My freedom belongs to you. God: So I could have you imprisoned if need be?
Yes... my freedom does belong to you completely, so you could.
4. My sanity belongs to you. God: So I could make you lose your mind?
Yes, my mental health is completely in your hands. It all belongs to you.
5. My money belongs to you. God: So I could make you broke, penniless and without any known way of paying your bills?
Yes. My money belongs to you. It all belongs to you Lord.
6.My life belongs to you. God: So... I could even lead you to your death, and you would allow that?
Yes. My life, and the length thereof, is utterly completely in your hands. You can kill me, if that is what you want.

I know this is intense, but before people attack this, I want to show the scriptures that talk about each of these:

1, 2, 5: Jesus's conversation with the rich young ruler. He demanded everything the man owned. Also, Jesus lived without transportation except by foot, and without a home.

3: Paul knew he would be imprisoned when he went to Rome. He went anyways.

4: King Nebuchadnezzar went insane, according to God's word, to the point where he was eating grass like an animal. While, admittedly, this was a negative consequence for his actions, it does lend credence to the possibility that God could make someone insane for his purposes, even someone who was following God. In my opinion, it isn't that out there- there are other examples of people's mental states being affected by God.

6: Jesus willing went to his death. It's also noteworthy that all of the apostles, save John, were executed, and Paul was punished by the Romans after he deliberately went to Jerusalem, knowing he was likely to be imprisoned because of that. He, too, was executed as well.

My point... if we are to follow Christ, we need to be prepared for the consequences. Jesus did not promise his followers easy, feel-good lives. To the contrary, he warned his followers that life will be full of struggles, but that God will be with us in the midst. We aren't allowed to hold tight to anything, for nothing really belongs to us anyways. It all belongs to God- it was never ours in the first place. We can't function right in the kingdom if we keep seeing ourselves as owners instead of stewards. It all belongs to God... because it always did in the first place.

Judging

2010-09-10T02:04:00.000-07:00

This subject... is one that is near and dear to my heart. At this moment, I have a lot of anger, directed at people who judged me, anger I don't know what to do with... so I thought this subject warranted talking about.

Judging is hard to define, so I'll give an example. I was driving home from the chess tournament, and I saw a bumper sticker that basically said you can't be prochoice and also be a Christian. This really upset me- not because I consider myself prochoice (though my views on that subject are complicated or unclear) but simply because someone thinks they have the audacity to judge another person's faith based on their views on a subject Jesus didn't even talk about. We don't have that right. However, judging shows up in other forms as well. Nonchristians often have lifestyles that we would say are sinful. Does that give us the right to judge them for it? We don't know where they came from, or why they live the way they do. I'm not saying you have to agree with their actions, I'm saying that you shouldn't let your disagreement with the way they live interfer with being friends with them. The truth is, without Christ, people live in sin. Deal with it. Get over it. And stop judging nonbelievers as if they were Christians. Even Christians judge other Christians. We think we know why people do the things they do. We don't. We don't have the right to judge another believer in their weakness. If we've developed relationship with someone, we may earn the right to tell someone what we think they should do about something, but that right is earned, and shouldn't be presumed upon.

Basically... this post teaches how to be a "safe" person. Basically, I surround myself with them. I can tell a safe person from 50 feet. Lately, I wonder if nonchristians generally make better friends than Christians, because they don't judge you as much. Don't get me wrong- I have multiple Christian friends, and I'm glad they are in my life. However, I think Christians in general care more about what you do, or what you did, than how you feel, or what you are going through. The best cinematic example of what a relationship between a believer and a nonbeliever should look like, is in "The Bucket List." Someone finally showed how a Christian can make an impact, with very little "direct" evangelism. When you watch that movie, notice how Morgan Freeman's character doesn't pass judgement on Jack Nicholson's character. Because of this, he made a huge impact in the man's life. I think that is very realistic. Love takes time. Love is patient and kind- that means we shouldn't rush out and try to fix people. You can't love someone and try to fix them/treat them like a project at the same time. Either you love them, or they're a project, and there's no love in projects. No human being wants to be someone else's project. We must accept people where they are at, and love them where they are. If all my tombstone said was "Sean loved people as they were, and not as he wanted them to be." I would say my life was a success. Please... hear me out on this. Not judging people is a big deal, and the size of your impact and your ability to connect with hurting, wounded people is very much defined by how you look at them. We all need love. Nobody needs judgement. Nobody.

The Difference Between Being Nice and Being Loving

2010-08-12T01:23:00.000-07:00

I've often heard that there is no difference between these two. Honestly, if you looked at Christendom, you see a lot of nice people... However, there are situations which reveal a dramatic diffence, as I will soon demonstrate.

There is a scene, in my favorite movie "Les Miserables," where the new head of police crosses the line, in how he handles justice in a particular case. Now our hero, Jean Valjean, who happens to be mayor of this town, finds out about this, and comes to the rescue of the woman being prosecuted. Here is a textbook example of the difference between being loving and being nice. The police officer and Valjean go toe-to-toe, until the officer says "she will not go free as long as I'm in charge," to which Valjean's response is classic- "in that case, under article 77 you are relieved of duty until tomorrow morning. LEAVE! NOW!" Now, notice what he DIDN'T do. He did not try to appease everyone. A nice person may very well have buckled in that situation, because there was no grey area, no way to satisfy both parties. A love-oriented person, is not afraid to choose a side, for love's sake, and stay the course out of love's sake, and won't care about stepping on someone else's toes, knowing they are standing where they should stand. A nice person, though, needs to be liked by everyone, and may struggle to make a decision which might upset some people or someone. In that moment, Jean Valjean didn't care whether the officer liked him or not, and actually probably earned a little bit of respect for standing up for his convictions. It's really a backbone thing. It is true there are situations where compromise is useful- I'm not saying compromise is always bad. Clearly, though, sometimes compromise is no good... sometimes you just have to take a stand. You have to decide that you care more about a cause or a person in need of protection than about making everyone happy. Jesus demonstrated this when he cleared the temple of the sales people, because that area was where gentiles were supposed to be able to meet with God. He loved the gentiles, so he went to bat for them. This is what I mean- to love someone enough to fight someone else to protect the one you loved. This is what love really means. Go and do likewise.

Thoughts On Being A Transformative Husband

2010-08-09T23:24:00.000-07:00

This entry... is the product of a lot of thought. I've often wondered how I'd handle being in this kind of relationship, how a man could play a role in the spiritual and emotional development in the life of his lover, and I've decided to try to put my thoughts on paper (so to speak). Honestly, this may seem somewhat theoretical, seeing as I've never had a girlfriend, but my friends have told me that they are impressed by my wisdom gifting, and I've read several books that either were solely about this subject, or had sections about this, so I'm going to take a crack at this. Feel free to laugh at things that are off, but God usually gives me good stuff even if I'm talking about something I don't have much first-hand knowledge with... so here goes.

First of all, there is this issue of self-esteem that needs addressing. Most women struggle with their appearance, thinking that they are unattractive, or even ugly. This is really sad, from a guy's perspective- we often see beauty where they only see ugly. I do think there are things that a guy could do that could help. Perhaps if you are dining in, maybe (assuming you've developed a level of trust appropriate for this) you could request that she not wear makeup and jewelry. I think the way to phrase it is "I'd like to see you as how God made you." My opinion is that women largely wear makeup, because they don't like how they look without it, and they've been wounded by other people criticizing their appearance. If a guy can honestly assure his woman that she looks fine without all that stuff, I think that could be the beginning of what I imagine will be a very long healing process regarding their self-image and self-esteem. I'd suggest this for other dates as well, but if someone in public was an ass and criticized your lover for how she looked without makeup, that would largely diminish any progress made, and might even make things worse. The goal, in the long term, would be she'd become secure enough in how she looks that that wouldn't matter, but most women are a long ways from that point as it is, and one negative remark from some idiot passerby could potentially ruin six months worth of positive reinforcement and encouragement. I can back this idea up with scripture (paraphrase): "Women should adorn themselves with good works rather than jewelry," but I think this project should be done gradually, at whatever pace your lover is comfortable with. This is a project of love, and requires a great deal of tact and nurturing, or it will fail miserably. As guys, we also need to learn to not be so focused on what we see. That beauty, is the cherry on top of the whip cream, on top of the ice cream sundae- it has its place, but as cherries go is only worth so much, and we need to grow up in how we look at the opposite sex. They are more beautiful than we give them credit for, and certainly way more than they give themselves credit for. I don't think I could be interested in a girl that wasn't attractive to me, and can say with complete honesty that I've thought every woman I was really interested in was beautiful to me and I wouldn't change a thing about any of them in their appearance, but I'm realizing I was (at times) a bit shallow that way. For example, I'd have a hard time dating a really thin girl. I'm shallow that way. I realize I have growing up to do, because truth be told, that really doesn't matter that much, period.

Another large key is figuring out what kind of love our significant other appreciates most. As I understand it, there are five love languages- words of affirmation, physical touch, gift giving, quality time, and acts of service. Within these love languages, there are a lot of variations. Figuring out which one is most important, and what ways that you can speak this love language that will resonate as meaningful, is critical to ministering to your lover. For example, if your lover hated loading the dishwasher, and acts of service was meaningful to her, then loading the dishwasher every day might mean the world to her. It might mean more than all the flowers and candy in the world. Another example: I knew a guy who bought a large bouquet of roses for his wife. In talking to her later, though, she wasn't a big fan- she would have prefered time and money to go shopping. He could have given her cash or a gift card for half the value of the roses, and made sure she had an opportunity to spend an afternoon shopping, saved half the money and scored three times the points (so to speak...). The goal largely is to be effective first, and extravagantly effective second... but I'll get to that soon enough. My point is not about saving money, but about knowing your lover well enough to know what will and won't work best- that is what I'm getting at. You could get your lover roses every day, but if she likes daisies or hugs better, you won't be anywhere near as effective as you want, and she may even feel you don't love her enough. That is the outcome to be avoided. It may take experimentation and lots of questions, but with some work and practice, you can hopefully become effective at speaking her language(s) (usually there is a secondary one that matters a fair amount as well), which will fill her love tank, which keeps the relationship fresh and satisfying. I'll admit there is a place for trying to help your lover learn how to love you the way you wish to be loved, but that is the subject for another entry...

Another critical component to ministering to your lover, is expressing her value to you. There is a tale I read (true or not, it is worth mentioning), about a man who decided upon a woman who people thought looked plain. Now, in his culture, a man "bought" a woman from the father with cattle. Normally, a man paid two or three cattle for such, and paying one was a bit like low-balling and was discouraged. Now, this man was very shrewd. He knew that while in this case he could get away with paying just one, he knew that how she'd feel about him, would differ, depending on how much value he expressed she had to him by how much he paid. He paid EIGHT cattle for her (an unheardof amount- four or six was considered the max for the most beautiful women on the island). Imagine what this did for her. She felt loved, more than any other woman on the whole island. Some folks visited them after they were married, and she was beaming. Because he put such a high value to her, it changed her in a way that was beyond comprehension- she became the beauty that was worth what he paid. The outside, is a reflection of what is inside, and the value a husband puts on his wife, can have a powerful impact, perhaps even on her physical appearance. Certainly, I think when husbands express value in their lovers over the span of their relationship, I think that it enables their lover to age more gracefully, and helps allow that inner beauty to come to the surface. I also think, that it helps a man develop "rose-colored glasses" of sorts- they will come to see the beauty that was already there. I believe these are both true. Love can easily last a lifetime, if only a husband learned to effectively love their wife extravagantly, as Jesus loves the church.

My final subject is on the primary difference in what women need. Women generally talk about their problems to feel better, and not looking for solutions, so we as men must learn to listen and be judicious about when to suggest how to fix it (if at all). If my sister is talking about her day, and for some reason I really want to share a possible solution, I'll ask if I can share it (whether that is even good or not is debatable...) but at least I'm recognizing that she may not be interested in a solution, which is often the case. We guys talk about problems usually because we can't figure it out ourselves, but women tend to talk about problems just to feel better. Also, women tend to appreciate little acts of love almost as much as big ones, so while the big ones are good, doing the little things daily will mean as much or more than just occasionally doing "big" things. Women also tend to shift more emotionally than men, and when our lover is down, we need to be especially gracious, patient, and listen carefully. That will help them rebound a little faster, and make the times when she feels good all the more better.

I think there is much more to be said on this subject, but I think I've hit on the high points. I think the biggest key, overall, is making oneself a student of what makes one's lover tick. Finding out ways to display the love we have in ways that will hit our lover's real needs so that they feel more loved than they ever imagined... That's game-changing. I think, if men spent half the time trying to figure out how to show their wives they are loved, in ways that they had discovered would really mean something to them as they do with watching sports, or doing their hobbies, or all the other stuff we men love to do, we'd have much better love-lives, and (yeah I'm going to say it) better sex lives too. I think marriages can and should last a lifetime, and while it takes two to tango, I think that husbands not loving their wives well is usually the core issue when things fall apart. If we love our wives like Jesus loves the church, I think it becomes much easier for them to give us the respect we need, which helps us love them all the more.

If you are curious where all this came from... here are the primary sources (all books I own...):

The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, by John Gray PHd
Written In Stone: The Ten Commandments and Today's Moral Crisis, by Philip Graham Ryken

The Plan

2010-08-08T02:07:00.000-07:00

"Okay. Here's my plan. First, I'm going to build a boat. A really, really big boat."

"Really? Why?"

"Oh, God told me that it's going to rain for 40 days and nights, so I want to be ready. I also need room for all the types of fauna in the area. However, that's just stage one."

"Stage one? You mean, there's more?"

"Yes. Next I'm going to move to Iraq. Several years later, I'm going to kill my only son."

"Kill your son? Why on earth would you do that?"

"Oh, God told me to. I believe, since God told me I'd have lots of descendents through him, and my wife was an old lady when she conceived, that God will raise him from the dead."

"God would raise him from the dead? Has that ever happened? Why would you think that?"

"Oh, please don't get hung up on that. We've only scratched the beginnings of my plans."

"You can top killing your only son because you think God is going to resurrect him? I doubt it."

"What if I decide to lead an army of 300 against an army of 30,000? Does that top that?"

"Well... why wouldn't you choose to bring a bigger army? I mean, outnumbered 100 to 1? That's insane on the face of it."

"Oh, God wants the credit, so he'll only choose the people who drink out of the river a certain way."

"Why on earth does it matter how people drink out of a river? Has anyone told you that you belong in a nuthouse? You are the most whacko person I've ever met. I'm going to call the police right now- maybe then your son will live until puberty."

"I'm not afraid. If you call the police, I'll call fire down from heaven and have them wiped out. It's a really bad idea, so don't do it."

"Just out of curiousity... I don't know why I'm asking this but... is this your complete plan? I mean, it's quite a doozy... but somehow, I think this isn't everything."

"Yes. Destroy the empire state building, and I'll rebuild it in three days."

"What the heck are you talking about?"

"Oh, I mean the local religious leaders are going to band together with the local government to have me executed. Two days later, I will come back to life. By doing this, I will acquire forgiveness for everyone else's sins. That's my grand finale."

"Okay, that does it. I'm calling the cops. You need to be in a mental hospital NOW."

"No... Wait! I haven't even BEGUN my plan! God says I must do these things! Don't try to thwart the will of God! I'll call down fire from heaven! They WILL die! Wait..."

My point: People have this... idea that God gives simple, straightforward commands in the prophetic, that with enough people around you to tell you which words to listen to and not listen to, that you can obey God completely and everything will work out hunky-dory. Even Peter saw the insanity of Jesus letting himself be executed, and Jesus called him the devil because of this. The truth- according to scripture, God is not tame. His words... are not tame. He has asked people to do things... that made no flipping sense at the time, and had there been a loony bin, most of God's prophetic people would have ended up there, including our savior (who they killed instead...). Obeying God... is no simple matter. Knowing what is God and what isn't God... also no simple matter. The Bible is full of weird stuff- even in the New Testement, Paul was told that going to Jerusalem was a bad idea by everyone, and he did it anyways... It's hard to know when to listen to those around you, and when to obey your own convictions about what God has said to you. Anybody that says otherwise is either being willfully stupid, or hasn't looked at scripture that closely, or both...

Being Comes Before Doing

2010-08-06T03:18:00.000-07:00

In the Kingdom, being comes before doing. As an example, let us say I want to succeed in a chess tournament. Going out and playing in a bunch of tournaments without any preparation beforehand is a lousy strategy- it is much better to prepare for hours during the weeks leading up to the tournament, and show up ready to play. That is because you built yourself up, making yourself into something competitive. You BECAME something, then you demonstrated what you became (a good chess player) with what you DID at the chess tournament. Likewise, in the Christian faith, lots of activity that people see demonstrates little or nothing. So you lead worship? So you lead a small group? So you are an elder? What value is that? People like to define success in the kingdom, based on what they DO, but what you DO is largely meaningless, unless you've already BECOME a person of standing with the king. This requires work, that no one sees. Fasting, prayer, study... time in the presence of the King is ESSENTIAL to success. You will never be greater in the kingdom than how deep you've developed your relationship with the King... and that happens mostly when we are alone with God. There is a reason, that most spiritual disciplines are practiced alone... that is where the preparation happens for being the kind of Christian God loves. Otherwise, you might miss an opportunity to help someone stranded on the side of the road. You might miss that hitchhiker who is already thinking about spiritual things (I met someone like this in just this way, and I'm pretty sure the prayer I prayed for them made a real difference). Any jackass can go to church. That proves little. Most believers in our country are near strangers with God, and wouldn't be able to hear from God if their life depended on it. Most people know God's love as a largely theoretical thing, not something that is life-changing. I'm not saying that these activities are worthless, but in my opinion, they are worth considerably less than people give them credit for. God isn't into doing. Look at the life of Christ- 30 years of development, for 3 years of ministry. Even when in ministry, Christ still took time to pray and be alone with God when he had chances. That is because, being was always meant to come before doing. You can become a great doer, by just learning how to "be" first.

Keys to being- you must discover God's lovingkindness for yourself, without which you will accomplish very little real good in the kingdom. If your core being hasn't been transformed to the point where your security is no longer dependent on what you do, and you can sit at home away from a meeting and not feel guilty about the fact that you did not go, then you have made real progress. Be-ers are not insecure about what they don't do, they see "things to do" as opportunities, which they size up the value of relative to other priorities. Be-ers make time to be alone with God regularly, because they know that success outside is based on preparation inside. Sometimes, if things are tough, a Be-er may shut down for awhile. This is very hard for the Do-er to understand, because their worth is found in what they do, not in who they are in God. The Be-er knows, though, that their worth is not dependent in what they do, and while riding out the tough seasons is rough, it is a greater sin to break down, join the crowd of do-ers and try to find your well-being in other's opinions rather than God's. Being is hard- it takes a lot of security. Be-er's recognize that they need to do some things that are hard to do, from time to time, but also recognize that their failure to act in such a situation does not have an impact on how God sees them, just that the other person or people didn't get to be loved by the Be-er, or the Be-er missed out on receiving love from God. I see being, at times, is like the caterpillar and the butterfly. You start off with what looks like an ugly worm (the doer, pretransformation, or the be-er right at the end of a really tough season). Then the caterpillar discovers that he doesn't have to do anything to be loved, and thus begins to form a coccoon. While in the coccoon, the caterpillar appears to be doing absolutely nothing. The truth is, though, if your identity is in Christ's love, you don't need to do anything to be loved. At some point during the transformation process, spiritual truths about the kingdom get absorbed. The pains, hurts of the past, and all the garbage associated with doing starts to be shed. No longer does the caterpillar need to impress... as the butterfly, it is free. Free to love without fear, free to do what God leads them to do, free to just be. As a butterfly, love looks like an opportunity, not an obligation. Freedom means being free from needing others' approval. Freedom means living at one's own pace, not giving one wit what others think about it. As the butterfly, you choose the opportunities that sound rewarding, and are otherwise appealing- particularly the ones pointed out by our king- and it really doesn't matter whether the people around you see the value in it or not. When you discover that God's opinion is the only one that matters, you are free to ignore the doers who live for other's opinions but not God's, never understanding that only his opinion and judgement matters whatsoever. Life becomes a thing of quality over quantity, and love becomes a free-flowing thing of beauty.

Now, my one caveat. You do need other butterflies in your life to sharpen you, to help you see when you are going awry. Nevertheless, aside from gleening wisdom wherever you can find it, you never want to make a choice solely because it is what others want you to do- that is the sin that keeps everyone from greatness. Love must always come from the heart, or it is not love- it is coercion, and coerced actions mean little to our king, who cares only about what we give freely from the heart. That is what our king desires- our freely given heart, not some coerced social appearance of piety. True love is only found given freely, or it is something else, not love...

My Story, From Heaven's Perspective (Job Redux)

2010-08-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

As usual, God was on his throne with the angels, when the devil showed up to talk to God, as he sometimes does.

"Have you noticed my servant Sean?" God says. "He loves me wholeheartedly. He's a great servant who loves to go the extra mile, even though I let you torment him for years and wound him incessantly. He lives by my love, and he's a history maker, in spite of your work in his childhood, as well as his time at Celebration. And, he doesn't blame me for any of it. You've totally failed with him." The devil responded, "Does he love you for nothing? You've granted total access to your presense 24/7. He hears of your unending love, and he gets the joy of ministering to others, a joy he gets from his unfettered access to you. I also know that you are right, taking your presense away wouldn't destroy him, you may be right about that, but what if I got ahold of his gift? He would then surely curse you to your face." "Really?" says God. "Hmmm... I'll take that action. I'll even do better than that- I'll let you have the man's sanity, I'll even let you have access to most of his relationships. However, I get final editorial authority on the prophetic words you give him. You may craft the words, but I get to edit them before you give them. Is it a bet?" says God. "I want one more thing... those words you give him, they must be somewhat misdirectional. I want to spoil his reputation, by making it look like he's obsessed with something he's not obsessed with. Also, I want access to the man's identity. I want him to think he's the Christ- with that belief, it will be EVEN TOUGHER for him to recover. I think, with all of that, he will SURELY curse you and reject you entirely" said the devil. "Okay," said God. "I agree to your terms. Let's be clear about this, though- the wager is not about what happens while he's under your direction, but what happens afterwards that defines who wins. Obviously, after going through something like this, it will take time for anybody to recover. How about two years?" "Fair is fair. Done." said the devil, and he left to begin the work.

For a long time, I didn't know what to make of what happened. I've felt betrayed by my closest friend, the God I love and serve. Until today, that is. It's funny how God will use things, to bring about his purposes- I got my first assignment in a long time. It wasn't hard, and it wasn't crazy, though God did ask for a lot. I realized, though, that I'm still loved. I also believe, that God's "editorial privileges" in this situation, both made it tougher to recover, but also at the same time, he made progress on a few... projects he needed work done on, that perhaps couldn't have made as much progress on in as short a time, any other way. I know... many may disagree with me. I don't care. What I do know, is I was faithful, even if in my faithfulness I went off the deep end. Does that mean I'm going off my meds? Hell no. However, I'm beginning to lose some of the edge off my anger towards God. I think that is a good thing. Will it be another year until I'm fully recovered? Honestly, I didn't know what time frame to put there. All I know, is that I'm pretty sure the devil is losing the bet. I still love God... or at least part of me does. It's a start...

Marriage, Redux Without The Insanity

2010-07-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

I know I posted about this already, but... since I was crazy when I wrote about it, I've decided to revisit the topic, now that I'm... clinically sane. Here goes nothing.

I believe I was largely correct in that post. I'm not sure, though, that the best reason for me being right was clearly elucidated. There isn't anything wrong with weddings, though I still think it is a bit silly to treat weddings like some kind of sex-christmas. I still think that is a bit lame. However, it isn't the worst crime to wait until after the wedding to have intercourse- at least having a commitment-defining moment, that can be healthy. That could be done in other ways, besides a traditional wedding, but I'm really splitting hairs here. Really though, my biggest gripe is about the marriage license. There are legal ramifications that go along with such licenses, that complicate things. I think, in some- perhaps even many- of the legal complications created by such a license, could be unhealthy to a marriage, like I spelled out in that previous entry. The biggest, of course, is that should the two parties get divorced, basically the assets get split 50-50. If one party in the relationship has 100X more cash/assets than the other, it puts the person with the larger asset pool in a very awkward position. I don't think that is healthy for a relationship. You can't institutionalize a relationship anyways. Commitment comes from the heart. The kind of trust needed, to get a marriage license in the situation above, is prone to the kinds of manipulation that people who don't have a significant inequity in resources who live together deal with as well, why what they do is sin. The core issue here is love... and avoiding manipulation. Manipulation is the sin that must be avoided at all costs. There is no manipulation in love.

I guess I should point out something else. A friend pointed out to me, that if either party is being forced to get married against their will, that pretty much nullifies any meaning to the marriage. This isn't really a common topic in our culture, because most marriages are based on the free will of the parties involved, but my friend is very right. Free-will is the only basis for commitment that works at all, and if either party is getting married for some other reason besides love and commitment, that reason is evil.

Another brief thing- while I do believe that commitment is the bedrock of any healthy marraige (whether one chooses to have a wedding, or whether one chooses to get a marraige license, or neither), I don't believe it is all that is needed. I agree that arranged marriages, where both parties are willing, can make that work- and whether or not that is a good thing or not, I really don't know. What I do know, is that getting to know someone before allowing sexual intercourse to muddy the waters is usually very wise. I've never had sex, so I know I'm talking about something I haven't experienced, but my understanding is that sexual intercourse complicates relationships, and even two completely committed people may need to stay away from sex until both parties are ready for it. Relationships are as much a process as anything else, and that process shouldn't be short-cutted out of impatience. And, I still believe (of course) that total and complete commitment is a necessary prerequisite to a healthy relationship, that you'd die before you'd break that commitment, but just because that commitment is in place, doesn't mean the relationship is ready for intercourse, particularly if the parties involved have baggage that needs to be worked through.

To sum up, I don't think most people who choose to wait until after the wedding for sex, are doing themselves any great injustice. I do agree, that the idea of making a public commitment to your significant other, is a good idea in general. I'm not the biggest fan of marriage licenses. I think they codify something that should come from the heart. I also think, that the expensiveness of weddings, keeps two committed people who are ready for intercourse from having it until long after the relationship is ready, and sometimes committed people have intercourse after the relationship was ready, and then feel guilty about not having had a wedding already- that's really tragic, because if they are committed to each other and the relationship was prepared for it, there really was no sin in consummating such a relationship.

I know some people are not going to like this entry. Please think about this. I really think I'm right on this one... and I'm sane now.

Nelson Mandela, and Things I Don't Understand

2010-06-27T22:46:00.000-07:00

I just watched Invictus, the movie about Nelson Mandela and what took place in the year or two after he became president of South Africa. There is a point in the movie, where the person Matt Damon played said something very interesting, paraphrased "How could a man spend 30 years in here and come out ready to forgive the people who put him there?" This quote comes close to home for me, for I was in jail 10 days, and hospitalized four months last year.

The truth is, there are things that are hard to understand, unless you've been there. I have a friend, who is in prison right now, and I'm sure he'd say I have no idea what it's like to be imprisoned. I suppose, to a certain extent at least, that he's right. However, for whatever it's worth, I do know what it feels like to be incarcerated for awhile, and that has to help me get some kind of idea what imprisonment might feel like. It's funny... I've been out of the hospital for over twice as long as I was in the hospital, but I'd swear it felt much longer, like the longest stretch of time I've ever experienced. Unless you've been incarcerated against your will for at least a week, you can't really imagine what it's like. All this to say, an amazing miracle occured in President Mandela's heart for him to leave prison with a heart prepared to forgive.

This is where we get to what is incomprehensible to me. For me, I feel like I've been ruined by the hospitalization. Between that, and how entwined my faith was in what happened that lead to me being incarcerated... I really don't know how to move forward. I've stopped caring about things I probably should care about. I've got anger... anger I don't know what to do with. So, how did Nelson Mandela do it? How did he leave prison with a heart of forgiveness? People who don't believe in miracles, I don't know how you can explain something like this outside of the miraculous. This kind of forgiveness, it only comes from above. For me, though, that doesn't help. This kind of heart... I wish my heart was like his. I've left the hospital scarred, and traumatized. He left prison prepared to lead a nation into peace and reconciliation. I envy him. I don't know what his role was, in keeping his heart soft. I just wish I could be more like him.

You know, usually I find a cool way to wrap up an entry such as this. Tonight, I see none but this- when you think of an offense, so serious as to be unforgivable, remember Nelson Mandela, and his heart attitude towards his enemies. If there were resources in heaven capable of making forgiveness possible for him, then there is hope for the rest of us. That... must be a good thing... I just wish I knew better how to access them...

Ode to the Best Dog I've Ever Known

2010-05-29T17:02:00.000-07:00

Today... is a sad day for my family. We lost a favorite family member, a Miniature Schnauzer named Sam. Like a lot of dogs, Sam was very friendly. He loved everyone he met. He rarely barked, unless someone was visiting- in fact, for awhile we wondered if he would ever bark. The truth is, Sam had no enemies. Sam was so gentle, you could take his bone or his food away from him and he would just look at you, is eyes saying, "why are you doing this to me?" Sam was as good a pet as we could have asked for. He wasn't a fetcher, but that was only because he liked keepaway more. I've spent hours, over the years, playing with Sam, and I don't regret a single minute of it. Sam was one-of-a-kind. We got eight years with Sam, and my only regret is not getting any more. We all miss Sam like crazy. It was really hard to say goodbye. I hope I see him in heaven. Sam, if you can hear me, thank you for your years of time as our pet. We are so grateful to have had such a fine dog. If you read this, please pray for our family- we are all taking his loss quite hard. We won't be the same, now that he is gone.

No Title

2010-05-23T23:34:00.000-07:00

My mom says she thinks blogs are mostly just... public diaries. When I started this blog, that was far away from what I wanted it to be. I did not want my blog to just be a public diary. Honestly, my journal was never really a journal anyways. In it, I just let God speak to me. He's said a lot of things to me, like telling me my wife would be smarter than me. Some of the things he's said, I thought were a load of bull. Anyhow, for good or for bad, today's entry... is a bit of a journal entry, a regular journal entry. My heart is sad. I feel... I made a commitment, a long time ago, to love people. To follow God wherever he wanted to send me, and to do whatever he told me to do. I thought... I was going to make a difference, for good. I was going to help people. I was going to show people what love looked like. That was my heart. I've always wanted to be a difference maker. I wanted to pour my life out and be a blessing to everyone I knew. I wanted to speak words that healed people. And my hope, what I wanted in return for this, was to have a modicum of respect. I know... it's wrong to have expectations about how people would respond. However, at this moment... I don't feel respected. Actually it is worse than that- somehow, I've become the villain. My heart aches... I'm broken. I'm less than a man. Hell, I'm not even providing for myself. The damn government takes care of me. I can't even respect myself. I lost one of my closest friends, and I don't see most of my other friends nearly as often as I would like. I'm some kind of pariah. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost a large percentage of what motivated me to live. And I feel like nobody gives a damn about me. People care more about what I do than how much I hurt. I'm lost. I wish I had answers. I wish... I wasn't so alone. I wish... someone really understood what it's like to go through what I've just been through. You know... I'm convinced answers don't exist. I'm hurting... and nobody has the slightest clue how to bandage my wounds. I'm broken... and nobody has any idea how to put me back together again. I'm angry... because people don't know what to say. I never thought I would regret "trying to love perfectly." I was crazy, sure... but bent on helping people, not hurting them. Now I've lost my place. I've lost my identity. I try not to hear from God. I hardly pray, except out of desparation. I'm not broken... I'm destroyed. I'll never think of ministry the same. I'll never look at myself the same. I'll never hear God the same. I have no answers. Graham Cooke once said that if a person has a high call in God, that first God has to put you in a dark closet and beat the living daylights out of you. I think I know what that feels like. Now I just need to figure out how to walk again.

To all those out there who feel irrepairably broken, I know how you feel. I just don't know what to say to help you get put back together again... I have no idea...

Drugs, Video Games, and Raw Materials

2010-05-06T22:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight, while I was hanging out with someone who I'll affectionately call "The Pal," I had a very interesting conversation. See, The Pal believes (or did believe- I don't know whether I changed his mind or not) that video games are intrinsically evil, and should basically always be avoided. I know he isn't that extreme, because he and I play Monopoly, bowling, and pool on my Wii when he comes over, but his beliefs are pretty close to that. Now, The Pal is about to go to college, and I'm concerned that he might miss out on social opportunities and possibly alienate himself from his peers by his video game convictions, so the goal of this conversation was to show that maybe it wasn't video games themselves that were bad, nearly so much as how they are used. CS Lewis says, in the book "The Screwtape Letters," that nothing in itself is good or evil, but the question is how it is used, and how it affects a person's relationships around them, and whether it produces disobedience to God, and so on, that makes something good or bad, so if a person played video games in moderation, that might be okay. The Pal, being the very smart person that he is, then asked me a very difficult question- what about pot?

Now, to be clear here, in a lot of ways this question is fairly hypothetical/theoretical, because neither myself nor The Pal are ever likely to use marijuana- I can speak confidently about The Pal here, because I know him very well. However, this was an interesting topic for me, because it hit upon a subject that I have strong feelings about. When I was a kid, during the short time I was in Cub Scouts, I was given a poster that named most of the drugs in existence at that time, and next to each drug was a cartoon/picture of a demon and a list of all of the negative health side effects associated with each drug. For me, that pretty much did it. I never wanted anything to do with any drugs. Alcohol was included on that poster, and it took me awhile before I was okay with having a drink (I've never had more than two in an evening, so I'm definitely NOT an alcoholic), but other drugs... no. Honestly, I've never really even been around drugs. To this day, I'm not exactly sure what pot smells like when it's being smoked. And to top it all off, for reasons that I don't understand, I once "failed" a urine test for pot, and was accused by a doctor who did not know me at all of using pot. Fortunately, my parents knew that I was innocent, but I consider that one of the worst insults anyone has ever slung at me (particularly, since at that time, I wanted to be a DEA agent when I grew up). All this to say, I probably wouldn't "take a hit" unless someone put a gun to my head. Inspite of what I've heard- that pot isn't much worse than alcohol, and it is even legal for some people to use to handle the pain associated with certain medical conditions, honestly I could never see myself smoking a joint, and truth be told, I don't think I really ever want to even be in the presense of someone who is while they are smoking it. So, The Pal's question was challenging to me. I'm trying to ask myself, is there a situation where the need to socially bond with the people around me trumps the potential harm I would be doing to my body and the risk of becoming addicted? Of course there is also the question of legality, but I think the argument could be made that loving our neighbor might trump that. To me, though, that leads to a scary slippery slope- how far do we go down this path? What about drugs like heroine, cocaine, methamphetimines? Are these just "raw materials" as Screwtape says everything is? That is a tough question- I don't think I could ever love another human being enough to have anything to do with drugs like this. Maybe I could learn to be around drug addicts while they used- that in itself would be uncomfortable. Actually using myself- I can't see that ever happening. Maybe it isn't necessary. I just know that people often bond while doing an activity- and for me, playing a video game or having a drink, I see that the social value is worth it, and the harm to the body is negligible or possibly even beneficial. This assumes that you can do these things without becoming addicted (whether or not I'm a video game addict, that's a whole other question...) but otherwise it's fine. Honestly, from what I've heard, pot isn't much different from either of these, but it is to me. I wonder if that is okay. I wonder how much I really love the people who are prechristians. I wonder if I'm hypocritical here. In theory I could see a situation where I might agree that taking the hit would be the right thing to do, but in practice... for me, I just couldn't do it.

I wish that I knew what to make of all this. I guess, everyone has things where we have strong feelings about this or that. The good news is, I've spent time with alcoholics and drug addicts, and I have no trouble loving them. Maybe that is what they need, more than me "using" along with them. Maybe I'm not ready to be around them while they are using, but we all need to grow in one way or another, right? I've just got to give it time. Meanwhile, I have to keep thinking about "raw materials"... Was CS Lewis right? I don't know...

What We Can Learn From The Joker

2010-05-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

To be clear here, I'm talking about the villain in the most recent Batman movie "The Dark Knight," and I'm not at all saying that being a murderous psychopath is a good thing. However, for those of you who have seen the movie, hopefully this post will make sense by the time I'm done.

I had to watch "The Dark Knight" several times before I realized something of great significance. The Joker had something good that many of us lack. Don't get me wrong- he's the closest I've ever seen to the devil himself. Nevertheless, he has a couple of attributes that are worthwhile, and without which, he'd be just another villain. See, the Joker had a cause. Now this cause is a cause of mayhem and destruction- his cause is as far away from anything good as we could possibly imagine. However, he was totally devoted to his cause. He had courage- something, without which no great man, for good or for evil, is ever made. There are many slimeballs out there who have no courage, and others who in a sense mean for good, but have no real backbone to make it happen. Courage is something we all need, and say what you want about the Joker but he certainly was courageous. Anybody who puts a gun in the hands of an enemy and puts his mouth around the barrel- that is courage. And to be truthful, he wasn't suicidal, he just cared more about his cause than his own life. How many people can you say that about? That they "did not love their lives even unto death"? According to The Revelation, that is one of the marks of genuine faith. I don't know if I have that kind of courage, but the Joker did. Also, I love the scene where the Joker is burning millions upon millions of dollars. I like it, because it is the ultimate sign of someone who did not love money, which Paul claims (depending on which bible translation you got) is the root of many evils. See, the fact that money meant nothing to him, made him all the more dangerous. If we as believers cared as little about money as the Joker did, we might be dangerous in a different kind of way- a good kind of way.

I know it is weird to speak admirably about a villain, but most villains that we think of have nothing admirable to them. And in most ways, the Joker is about as evil as they come. I would argue though, that these characteristics- his devotion to his cause (the corruption of the soul of Gotham), his courage in the face of death, and his complete disregard for money- he had no price- these characteristics were what made him a world shaker. The cause was as evil as they come, but the characteristics I just outlined were what made him successful. As believers we need to be like that. We need to be fearless. We need to be priceless. We need to have a cause greater than ourselves that is worth dying for. That is what we can learn from the Joker.

Kingdom Love, Part II

2010-04-25T23:13:00.000-07:00

In this world, we don't really understand the kind of love that "lays its life down for its friends." We don't understand why a man would choose to be crucified so that we could be forgiven. We don't understand why a man would choose to be a vagabond and never get to go home in exchange for saving a friend's marriage, like Sam did in the last episode of Quantum Leap, or how Batman decides to take the blame for another man's crimes, so that his town could be spared of having 100+ criminals being released back on the streets. We don't understand this at all, because we are used to there being a catch. However, there is no catch to Jesus's open-armed offer of forgiveness for any and all who wanted it. He really does love us that much, more than we can ever comprehend. It is this love that touched my heart. At times, I wonder about the risks of being taken advantage of, because of the profound effect Jesus's love has had on me. However, the truth is love is never wasted. Unforgiveness only seems pragmatic when we don't see how great the love is that we've already received. What did Paul call us? "Imitators of Christ?" The truth is that His love has no catch. He's prepared to give up everything that we hold dear, so that he could be with us. So, the least we can do is have hearts that are easily moved to compassion and forgiveness. The least we can do is not keep record of wrongs. The least we can do, is turn the other cheek. We can forgive, because we've had his love lavished on us at every turn. He's always smiling at us, even when we think we've disappointed him. Love lets go of the past, and takes a risk of being taken advantage of, because love is what we all need. We all need to see that Jesus is smiling, even when we are at our worst, behaving at our worst.

I wish I could explain what love really is. The best I can say is that God's love for us is like the best day you've ever had in your whole life times 1000... and times 1000 again. And that is still not enough. We are loved so thoroughly that we can never, ever escape his grip. We have a home in God's heart, and despite what we may think, we cannot lose that, no matter how bad we fall. All we have to do, is believe it is so, and let go of all those filthy rags that we call our past transgressions. God is always there, even for the worst of us- in fact, especially for the worst of us. Please receive it today.

Sincerely,
Sean

Kingdom Love

2010-04-12T23:34:00.001-07:00

In some ways I consider it... a tragedy that I feel the need to write this the way I have in mind to write it. For one thing, I'm going to share some stuff that to be honest, shouldn't be publicized. I could be accused of trying to make myself look good or trying to impress people. Unfortunately, there are some actions I took while I was crazy that... for the people involved, there is some ambiguity about my motivation, or even some beliefs that in fact I was being manipulative or worse. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm not trying to defend my actions. I'm arguing that while some of the choices I made were inappropriate, my motives were of kingdom love. That is one of my reasons for writing this. The other reason, is that christendom has failed us in teaching what genuine love looks like, and as a group, Christians tend to do the bare minimum, or nothing at all. I abhor this, and have for some time. This message is designed to encourage believers to treat people... as if Jesus were an extravagant lover, and that we should actually be the same.

Here are some examples of how this has looked like in the past, before the moments in question happened, in my life. Please don't judge me too harshly for sharing these things- honestly I'd prefer not to. However, I think this needs to be written, so the question about my motivation for doing what I did (not what I'm talking about here: these things I am writing about here happened awhile ago, and before now I hardly told anybody) can be completely put to rest. Hopefully this ends the issue.

I had a friend, who was sleeping on an air mattress- not the kind that are meant to last, but the cheap kind that you get at the store. He calls me up in the middle of the night because it popped. Now, he needs to get a good night's sleep. I think it was around 3:30 AM or some such ungodly hour, and I was asleep when he called. My first plan was to wire him the money to get another air mattress from Walmart, but I went to two or three places and that plan just wasn't working. I decided to take my air mattress, and my sleeping bag, and drive to Springfield, where my friend is. According to Google maps, it is about an hour's drive. I think it took longer than that. All told, I think it took me three and a half to four hours to do it all. I'll be truthful here- I don't know that I would have done this for a stranger. This was a friend. Still, I believe that is what kingdom love looks like.

I had a friend that I made through working at a convenience store who needed a phone so he could get calls from employers, and needed a ride to Albany and back so that he could get work. Now, for the phone, I really wanted to get him something that would meet the need for a substantial time period. I bought a "pay as you go" phone that got double minutes for any new minute cards he got, plus I got him a card that gave four hundred minutes plus a year of service. I believe the original bill came to $150, though for some reason I only got charged $130. After paying for all this, I gave it to him when I picked him up to take him to Albany. I spent most of the day taking him to the temp agencies around Albany. I also got the phone set up for him, because he's not the most technically savy person. And I did these things, because I loved him.

Other examples- I've given several hitchhikers rides, a few times way, way out of my way. Once I even pulled an all-nighter driving someone to their destination in Rockaway Beach, about 2.75 hours from here one way. I have no idea how many times I've bought people food, I've bought many people varying amounts of gasoline, and generally I take care of my peeps and try to meet every need that is within my reach. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I think this is what genuine love means. For those of you who believe my motives were evil for the other stuff, well, draw your own conclusions, but I have a clear conscience. For everyone else- try to remember we serve a king who left heaven, whose first night of sleep was not in a fancy crib but instead a feeding trough, who had no home of his own, never took a wife, and who lived his whole life as an other-centered person. Go and do likewise.

Favorite Memories/ Things I Like

2010-04-11T20:21:00.000-07:00

This post is... going to be a bit whimsical, but C.S. Lewis said that one of the strongest defenses against worldliness, is liking something without the least bit of a care about what others think about it. So, while I can't say that this is deeply spiritual in a direct way, I do think that the things we like that we don't care what anybody thinks about has some spiritual value, in a very practical way. Honestly, I've spent a great deal of time thinking about the bad stuff: the mistakes, the pain, all the garbage in my life, but not so much time looking at my happiest moments, and the things that I can honestly say, I really like. So here goes.

1) There was an invitation-only tournament that I was invited to, as the cream of high school chess players. Honestly, the first day I washed out. I lost all three games that day. What I like, is that the next day I came back and beat the two highest rated players in the tournament. The first game was a marathon- I'm pretty sure we used the vast majority of the six hours or so alloted for the game, because we were both in time trouble, but I pulled it off. The second game was a thing of beauty. I don't believe I've played a more beautiful chess game in my whole life. To come back and play spoiler, after my chances of winning the tournament were obliterated, to be honest, I'm more proud of the tenacity I showed that day than anything else I've done, except for graduating from college.

2) I split a state title in chess. The competition in this tournament wasn't as concentrated as the one I just mentioned, but I trained a long time for this, and I still consider that a significant accomplishment. I think it was in this moment, that I realized the value of being really good at something.

3) I saw my favorite geyser-Artimesia- twice. Oh my word, that is a beautiful sight. In the natural world, I don't believe there is anything more
beautiful. The first time I waited for three hours, and was starting to leave when it went off- I almost missed it. The second time, I arrived just as it was starting. Considering that there is a huge variation in how frequently it goes off- it is impossible to predict even remotely accurately- I think God's hand was in it. And, I am very thankful to have seen such a marvel twice, and I look forward to seeing it again some day.

4) Skating the Rideaux Canal. For some reason, this pops up for me as a favorite memory. That was beautiful.

5) Beating a bully at school for the last chess team spot- twice!

6) Shopping/hanging out at Powell Books. That book store, along with the technical book store nearby, is one of my favorites. Book stores are cool, but Powell's is something else...

7) Bicycling really fast. There are two moments that stand out in this regard. Neither are moments I intend to repeat in exactly the same way, but they are still significant. One, going down the hill near my house. I crashed by missing the turn, but my speedometer said I was going 50. 50! The other time, was when I was going down the hill on the other side of Summit on the way to the beach. My speedometer said I was going 30! I was in the middle of the road, and am fortunate I didn't get killed by a logging truck. Still, that was memorable.

8) Succeeding in biking to and from the coast. I remember when I finished a 60 mile trek from Philomath, through Summit and Siuslaw, to Newport, and finally to Beverly Beach. I tell you, there are VERY few accomplishments that are comparable. Oh, it felt good to run my own vacation this way-I didn't just bike to the coast, I biked there with my bike loaded for bear, making the feat more satisfying. It felt good to know I was capable of biking that distance, particularly with all the hills between here and the coast. I wish I was in that kind of shape now.

9) Running the Race to Robbie Creek- twice! That half marathon is grueling. I guess that's the only one comparable to 8).

10) Eating out at Romano's Grill while I was hospitalized, and having "Happy Birthday" sung to me in Italian by an aspiring operatic singer, studying such at PSU. That was marvelous. I also enjoyed eating Italian both times I was in San Fransisco- South Beach has fantastic Italian food, and when I heard about South Beach while I was taking a tour of the area in 2007, I knew I just had to have an authentic Italian food experience, and I did on that trip. The tour guide mentioned a "Rocco's Cafe," and in my more recent trip, I got to go there. It was awesome, too. I guess, if I'm going to eat out really fancy, Italian is what comes to mind. I guess, that's just one of my quirks.

11) Visiting Cal-Berkeley. That was cool. I've decided I want to do graduate studies there, and so I have my work cut out for me. Nevertheless, that is where I believe I'm going to get my master's from.

12) Visiting The Mission, in Vacaville, California. I really believe this is where my next spiritual home is, and it is where I want to put roots. If nothing else, when I get accepted to Cal-Berkeley, I want to move down there and go to church there.

13) Listening to Graham Cooke speak. I've been fortunate to go to several conferences where he has spoken, and I've enjoyed all of them. I love how he describes the life of faith, about... what is possible in the Christian life. He's my spiritual hero.

14) Texas Holdem'. I love that game. Not a whole lot of accomplishments there yet, but maybe at some point I'll take a crack at it. I'd love to see just how good I am at this.

There you have it. I know it isn't a complete list, but a lot of very happy memories are contained in this list. It is by no means comprehensive, but I think I got the most significant highlights. I think, these things are what make me... well, me. And, I think I like myself, just the way I am.

Sincerely,
Sean

A Dream and a Trip Game Changing

2010-04-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

There are moments, in a person's life, that change everything. Most change that happens in life happens gradually- that's a realistic picture of the nature of change. However, sometimes something happens, that alters our perspective in a significant way. For me, I've recently had two such moments- the trip, and the dream.

In the trip, it was like I found myself. I realized that I had... some desires that I was ignoring. I found a school I wanted to go to for graduate studies. I found a church I wanted to be a part of. In the midst of these discoveries, I found... myself. Yeah, I found myself, in a way I hadn't anticipated. Some of the post traumatic stress disorder went away. I was at peace. I discovered rest. It was good.

The other life-changing event, was a dream. To put perspective on this, I was... really, really upset with someone. I didn't like how they were handling things, and honestly... I really didn't know what to do. Last night, though... I had a dream. In that dream I had a conversation with this person. Somehow, this dream defused my anger. I don't know if a dream has ever had that effect on me, of calming me down. I was ready to move far away out of anger, or at least with anger being one of the motivators. Now... I'm closer to being at peace, of letting go. I still don't understand, why this person handled things the way they did, but I'm coming to realize that needing to understand isn't necessarily a prerequisite to moving on. What does the word say? "Love is patient... love is kind... love is not easily angered... love doesn't boast." Yeah, I don't know that all the anger is gone. Peace will still be a challenge. However, the vindictive edge to it has passed on. I'm calm, ready to move forward. I want to get back to the life I once had. I've still lost a close friend, but I've discovered a deeper understanding of what true friendship is. And... I think I'm coming to grips with just being me. I don't even know for sure what that means, and yet I feel it is accurate.

Life... life is only going to get better from here. That I believe. There are things I want to do, and now I'm going to try to spend my life in ways that make sense. I want to bring to life one of my favorite quotes- "Get busy living or get busy dying- that's God's honest truth." I think it's time to get busy...

Sincerely,
Sean

Anger

2010-02-18T23:52:00.000-08:00

When I think about the subject of anger, there is a scene in one of my favorite movies that comes to mind. It is a scene in the movie "3:10 to Yuma," and for those of you who haven't seen the movie, Ben Wade is a dangerous outlaw, and Dan Evans is a crippled rancher with a lot of integrity. Anyhow, there is another character in this movie, a guy who much earlier on had burned Dan's barn to the ground. This same guy made the mistake of tormenting Ben Wade while they were taking Ben to the town where he'd be picked up and taken by train to prison, and Ben killed him while he was sleeping. Dan and Ben later have a conversation, and Dan makes what I consider to be a profound remark. "But wishing him dead and killing him are two different things." I say this because I know I would never physically hurt or kill anyone, that is outside of who I am, but I'll be darned if I'm not amazingly pissed off at certain people and wish they were dead. It's a fine line really. What do you do with that kind of anger? I really don't know. It's a toxic emotion for sure. Bitterness, rage, anger, frustration, pissed off... I'm angry at too many people. Too many people I'm frustrated with. It is a feeling... a feeling that can be hard to handle. There is one person in my life, that I have to see about once a month, who if they died tomorrow, I'd probably celebrate. I'm serious. This person... is a piece of work. They piss me off just about every time I see them. I'm just glad I don't have to see them any more often than I do, because I'm pretty sure I couldn't stand to be around them anymore than I already am. There are others... I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be in the same room with them again. I'm angry. I'm angry about people trying to fix me, I'm angry about people who have all the tact of a porcupine, I'm angry about people judging me and jumping to conclusions they have no business coming to, people who don't know me and assume to know why I've done what I've done. I'm angry. I know, that I used to write about answers to things people struggle with, but these days, I don't have answers. I just have anger. And the characters I relate to the most in television and movies these days, are the broken ones, whose lives have come unhinged. My life is definitely unhinged. I just wish I knew how to deal with all this anger.

Sincerely,
Sean

Relating to a Villain

2010-02-11T21:21:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite shows, Heroes, has a character in it named Gabriel, AKA Sylar. Through most of the seasons, this character was the main villain, although villiany in that show is spread around a bit and characters are more complex. When I first started watching the show, the character I liked the most was Peter, who basically always did the right thing. The truth is, though, nobody is really like Peter, or very few. We all mean well- well, most of us anyways, but few of us really follow our conscience as we should. In season one, it did seem for the most part, that Sylar had no conscience. Over time, however, it became apparent that he was complicated. It also is revealed that he wasn't solely responsible for his becoming a killer, that he had a little bit of help on that end. Also, in one timeline in the show, Sylar completely reformed himself. There were scenes, too, where Gabriel did the right thing, against his normal nature. The truth is, he was complex, as far as villains go. Most villains of television or movies are pretty flat. Gabriel, though... he's been complex for awhile, and the most recent season ends with him saving the day. How his transformation happened, he spent what felt to him like five years in a dreamlike state, alone for the first two years and then with Peter the last three years. I've known for awhile, though, that he was capable of good. I was cheering him on. I was always hoping he'd make the right call. Somehow, he was the character I cared about the most. It's weird how that happened, how I became attached to a serial killer. Perhaps because the show creators showed multiple facets of who he is, and gave a more complete picture of his history, how he got that way. We all have stories, there are always reasons why we do what we do. Everybody is complicated in one way or another. Maybe I related to Gabriel because he was understandable, I don't know. CS Lewis talks about how people who are great towards evil are also capable of being great towards good, that it is the people in the middle who have no real strength are the people also incapable of being a significant hero; I think that has something to do with intensity of purpose. At some point in watching Heroes I became convinced that Gabriel was worth saving, and that made his conversion all the more meaningful when it happened.

I know there are people in our lives that have hurt us and caused us pain. My hope, for me and for others, is that we would try to see the humanity in all of us. No matter how evil the villain, there's always a story of how they got that way- I'm not saying that their story justifies their actions, but it might help to ease the bitterness and the pain. Forgiveness only comes through understanding, and forgiveness is really for ourselves and not them.

Sincerely,
Sean

Songs that Mean Something to Me

2010-02-11T17:16:00.000-08:00

For some reason, there are a few songs that speak to me where I'm at right now, and I feel inclined, for reasons that I don't fully comprehend, to share them. It is weird for me, that the songs that I think about most, and have the most meaning to me at this time, are songs that are, as best as I can tell, very secular. I wish I understood better the connection between me and these songs, but I guess it has to do with a sense that I am somehow understood by them. Okay, so here goes.

The first song is Paul Simon's "The Obvious Child." You can watch the video here. I think what I connect with in this song most is the apparent frustration being aired here. I can relate to that frustration, that disappointment with how things have gone, that anger. I also sense some sadness in the song. Since I'm mourning all that I've lost due to my bout with insanity, I can very easily relate to these emotions- I feel the same way. I do resent how certain people have treated me, that certain people have been dishonest with me because they felt I couldn't handle the truth, and that resentment resonates with that song. The chorus "I don't expect to be treated like a fool no more, I don't expect to sleep through the night Some people say a lie is just a lie But I say the cross is in the ballpark Why deny the obvious child?" really hits that hard. It is funny how music connects us to feelings we may not even know how to otherwise articulate. I feel this song expresses my feelings better than I could otherwise express.

Another song that speaks to me is "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen, which can be found here. This song expresses some frustrations that I really connect well with. "There's a joke, it's wild, and it's on me." is a sentiment I can connect with very easily enough. And I definitely feel like I'm dancing in the dark- I feel this phrase is about uncertainty, not sure where life is going, some confusion, yeah there really a range of emotions in this song I can relate to. What I find ironic, is the most popular youtube video for this song, found here, it may sound more like the original cut of the song, but the facial expressions during the song don't match up nearly as well to the emotions of the song. It's like there was a disconnection between himself and the emotions of the song while he was singing it. I like the version I first linked better, even though it goes unnecessarily long at the end, because the facial expressions he made while singing the song lined up better with the emotions of the song.

There is one other song that I relate with, and happily enough the author, who is a believer, his faith is integral to the song, yet it too relates to the sadness and frustration I currently feel. I'm talking about Rich Mullin's "Hold Me Jesus," which can be found here. Sadly, I couldn't find a live video of him just playing this song, which is too bad. One of the coolest things about Rich Mullins is that he never sugar-coated the life of faith in his music. His music often has emotions in it that relate to the harsher realities that the life of faith experiences, which means a lot to me, because that is where I've been my whole life. Nothing has been easy for me. Right now, I feel like I'm in some dark cave that no one quite understands, and few know how to relate to me where I'm at. It is weird, to go from a place of confident knowing, to a state of lostness that I don't know how to describe. I wish I had answers about why what happened happened, but I don't. I really don't know anything, but I do believe that I am loved by God, whatever that means. I may not understand it, and I may reject it some days, but I still believe it is there. I wish putting my life together was a lot easier than it is, but it just isn't. There ought to be answers, but none that I've found. What I find sadest of all, is that even though I am basically myself now (minus the joy and spiritual confidence), people are still avoiding me or even scared of me. I guess you can't do your best immitation of the Tasmanion Devil from Loony Tunes and then expect things to be normal four months later, but that doesn't make things any easier now. Oh well.

I hope this post helps someone. I don't know that I'm necessarily trying to help anyone; hell, I don't even know how to help myself. Nevertheless, maybe someone else will connect with it. Who knows. I've never felt so undone before in my whole life, and if you are in a crisis of epic proportions that is over your head, well, at least you know I have some idea what you might feel like.

Sincerely,
Sean

Depression

2009-10-15T00:07:00.000-07:00

I want to write about my current state of mind. I'll be honest here; I don't know my exact motivation for writing about this, but I do feel that very few people who feel depressed write about it, so I thought I might share where I am at. Maybe it will help someone. Who knows, maybe it will even help me.
My life feels meaningless. It is like I am lost, or more accurately, I lost myself. I feel spiritually dead. I have feelings of wrath I don't know what to do with. I'm lonely. Oh, I'm really lonely. The people I've trusted the most to help me with life, I don't feel I can count on. I've lost my sense of hope. Truthfully, I feel as though I went to the hospital fucked up one way, and left fucked up a different way. What do you do, when you are so isolated? I don't know the answer. Truthfully, I don't know anything. This place I am at, doesn't need shallow encouragement. What it does need, though, I'm not sure. I have a deep yearning to be understood, that I don't think is going to get met any time soon. People are worthless, when it comes to helping this kind of state of mind. I am so angry at God I could spit. I wish I had solutions, but really, all I've got are problems.

I wish I could end this post on a positive note, but somehow, I don't think that would give justice to my feelings, so I'll just say this- thanks for listening.

Sincerely,
Sean D. Zlatnik

Why I Am Stuck Here

2009-08-30T20:40:00.000-07:00

Note: All names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

I feel it might be beneficial for some people to know why it is I am stuck- or better said, why I believe the voice I am hearing is God. I just feel I need to explain this so that people can better understand where I am coming from. I do agree that a lot of the decisions I've made are strange. Some of the decisions I've made, I wonder what the point was. I wouldn't say this is really a defence, though in some ways I suppose it is. I realize I may end up leaving some details out, but when telling a story like this one, you just do the best you can. My biggest reason for believing that God was involved in this, is the divine intelligence required to create the following parables.

First parable-

I believe I've already written about this, but I believe it bears retelling. There are some elements of the story that I left out before that I am going to add, because I feel some things haven't been explained.

The story starts with my being invited to an event at Miranda's house. Miranda herself invited me, which meant a lot to me. At this event, I observed some strange behavior from two other parties, Ellen and Raina. I noticed that Ellen was avoiding me, which I found unsettling, because I had a nice friendship with Ellen and could not grasp why she was avoiding me. During the event Miranda asked me to be quieter, which makes sense because my voice carries very well. I was having a conversation with Raina in which I was whispering in her ear, because Miranda wanted me to be quiet, when Raina said (my guess, in hindsight jokingly) that Miranda was looking at me, indicating annoyance at how loud I was. Thinking Raina was serious, I stopped talking to Raina. Later, when I tried to talk to Raina, it became obvious she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I thought things were friendly- not grasping the romantic undercurrent involved, so I took offense at Raina's unwillingness to talk to me. At the end of the event I observed some strange behavior from Miranda- I told her that I had emailed her, and her response... is difficult to describe here but in my mind's eye it definitely relayed romantic interest. I was stunned. Once before Miranda had acted in a way that conveyed interest; she went very much out of her way to say hello to me- but besides that moment, I had no reason to think Miranda wanted thing one to do with me.

Since up until then, it seemed to me that Miranda was not interested, I was puzzled at why she was acting the way she was. It was a mistery. I think I emailed her a few times for reasons I can't recall now, and she got irritated (may not be the word she would choose, but close enough) and asked me to leave her alone for the time being. There you have one regret of mine- I wish I had honored this request. However, I got it into my head that Miranda was using Ellen and Raina to gather intelligence on me. This was very upsetting to me. The next time she tried to talk to me, I wouldn't talk to her- not that I was completely silent, mind you, but I shut the conversation down as fast as possible. Later that night I regretted doing this. Feeling remorseful about shutting the conversation down, and feeling afraid that my doing so would ruin any chance at a relationship with Miranda, I emailed Miranda saying "I don't know how to love you well right now." This was truthful- on one hand, I thought she might prefer me to not write her, she might prefer that I honor the set boundry. On the other hand, I was afraid she felt jilted, and I didn't want her to feel that way. I was dumbfounded as to what the correct course of action, because I was trying too hard to understand what was going on. From this point, I was emailing both Miranda and Ellen, and somehow I became convinced Miranda was using her friends to gather information about me, and so I wrote a letter with the following gist- Dear Miranda, I know what you did. A just response would be for me to never speak to you again. A merciful response would be to forgive you. A gracious response would be for me to spend all the money in my bank account to buy you these gift cards. I recommend you use them to ask me out, but you may do what you want with them. Sincerely, Sean I guess you could say I was very upset over something that was all in my head. That evening, I discovered that Miranda had removed me from her friend list on facebook. I freaked out, and wrote Ellen about the incoming letter. During this week, I wrote several letters to Ellen. In my mind's eye, I was using Ellen as a filter- I could have written Miranda directly, but since Miranda had removed me from her friend list, I was afraid of upsetting her. At one point, Ellen blocked me from emailing her. I felt that I was supposed to act in faith that Miranda still wanted to be with me. I ordered three dozen roses, to the tune of 161 dollars (after 10% discount). Knowing I had no money to pay for this, I borrowed from my next paycheck all the money needed to pay for the flowers. While I was at Miranda's house delivering the flowers- which was very hard, by the way- Miranda asked me why I didn't honor her set boundry. I was confused by this question, because I thought I had explained it in an email I sent. Either she didn't get the email, or I didn't explain very well. I answered, "I misunderstood you," which to me later meant to be ironic, since I've felt very misunderstood by her, for reasons I can't at this moment recall.

At this point things really get... interesting. Since Miranda asked me such a strange question, I became convinced my written letter to Miranda was intercepted by Ellen for foul purposes instead of good ones. I had told Ellen about the letter hoping she would help Miranda understand where I was coming from, or perhaps intercept it if she thought the letter was going to make things worse. My thinking here was that Miranda should know, between the letter and the emails, that I was upset, and that was definitely the reason why I ignored her set boundry. You could say... I badly overreacted. Anyhow, since I was still a bit upset at Miranda but now really upset with Ellen, I got the idea of doing something like what God did with Moses and Aaron- that I would be "God," this other guy, Jed, would be my prophet, and Miranda would be my people. I would pseudo date and pseudo marry Ellen, and send messages to Miranda through Jed. Yes, I know this thinking is nuts- but the handwritten letter is perfectly written such that it fits within this reality. Isn't that something? That is the first parable. While I'm sure that my thinking was off throughout, somehow it all fits together in this alternate reality.

Second Parable-

God led me on a trip to the coast, then to Salem, then all over the Portland area, then Salem, then home. I must explain in more details, though for you to get the significance of this trip. The first place I stopped at, was the Dairy Queen in Toledo. From there, I walked down a street in the direction of Toledo. I came to a side street that went up a hill. I took the side street, walked up the hill, and back down it. Then, I walked back to my car. From there I drove to Newport, then north to Devil's Punch Bowl. I went for a walk on the beach, and I crossed some streams that were headed to the ocean. God told me to walk on the water of the stream. The first time I refused. The second time (and this case, the water was only half an inch deep) I was willing. I don't know if I succeeded or not- the water was too shallow to tell. My feet didn't get soaked though. After this, I had a few more adventures, including meeting a few people that I think know Miranda, and then I drove to Salem. I thought I was going to meet Miranda in a Chilis, that God had told her to meet me there at 6 PM in Salem. Truth be told, all I knew was I was supposed to go to a Chilis in Salem at 6 PM. I went to Salem, got directions. It turns out there is now no Chilis in Salem. From there I drove all over Portland in Spirit-led driving, trying to find the Chilis- or the place God wanted me to be. Whichever. I waited at multiple restaurants a sum total of about 45 minutes. My driving time, however was extreme- I didn't get home until around 11 PM. Now for the point- I wrote in a blog entry later for Miranda to listen to "Love Song" by Third Day. When I wrote this, it was being led by the Spirit- I had no idea what it meant. However, let's consider the lyrics of the song:

I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary
Chorus:Just to be with you, I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give anything
I would give my life away.
I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
How may times has he broken that promise
It can never be done
I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea
Repeat chorus
(Bridge)I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.
Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.

Now, by this point I had basically acted out much of the song. I walked a hill. I walked on water. To be with Miranda, I drove through Salem and all over Portland- which is to say, I would do anything. To be with Miranda, I gave everything- I gave every cent of my bank account, and then I gave the same amount for the flowers from what I was planning to live on in the next pay period. This all before I even realized what I was doing or had any idea that there was rhyme and reason for what I was doing. Now I hope you can see where my stubborn refusal to believe that what is guiding me isn't God. There was just too much behind-the-scenes intelligence driving my behavior. Miranda, if you are reading this, I hope this explains a thing or two that you didn't understand, about why I did what I did. To everyone else- I hope this explains why I'm unyielding to any attempt to convince me that God is not involved in this.

Sincerely,
Sean Douglas Zlatnik

Fearless

2009-08-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

This season may be my most difficult yet. I've thought of previous seasons as being seasons of great difficulty. Only now do I see I was only in the frying pan, and only now I'm in the fire. Everyone in my life thinks I'm deceived. My prayers for others get answered, but at what cost! The good news, is that I've held on to my hope. I see that God is fashioning a deep character in me through this season, and though I'm at my wits end and I don't see why this has happened, I do see that I am loved. God has been terribly unpredictable to me, which is to say that I've tasted unpredictability and I don't like it. However, I see now that I'm capable of a great deal of ministry in a very short period of time. I also see what genuine love looks like. I've faced many fears and found that I am not subject to them any more. I'm not afraid anymore. I know what perfect love is, and I am now free to be fearless, except of my lord and master, Jesus.

It is funny that people are upset over what I've done, thinking my motives to be selfish. Yet only I know just how tough all my assignments were. None of them were easy. One time of being screamed at, and I lived in fear of being screamed at once more. I still can't believe I had the guts to not be subject to that fear anymore. That was so hard! I took the risk of being verbally destroyed once more, over and over again. For me, that was terrifying. And yet, I know now that even my greatest fears can be overcome by the strength God gives. I'm not afraid anymore.

Regardless of what you all think, I know I'm not a coward. Even if the only thing I accomplished in this was this very thing, I consider this a success. That is all I have to say.

Your friend,
Sean

Where I Am Now

2009-08-26T02:56:00.000-07:00

This season has been exceptionally difficult. At the moment, I'm trying to piece together what has happened to me, and I'm finding it difficult to make sense of it. It is funny, because on one hand, I'm very confident I've been obedient, while on the other hand, I'm a bit embarrassed about some of the decisions I've made. It is a weird combination.

I realize most of my posts have been teaching posts. Still, this is my primary blog, and I felt I should choose this venue for discussing my feelings about what has happened. I would say the best word to describe how I've been would be to say I was on tilt for God. I'm confident that I was being as obedient as possible, and I'm fairly convinced in the long run that I will be vindicated as being totally obedient. Nevertheless, I look at what I've done with a sense of embarrassment, and I surely hope to never have another season like this most recent one ever again.

Lots of questions hang over me as I try to make heads or tails out of what has happened. It is a weird season, but I think the worst is over.

Sincerely,
Sean

Siblings

2009-05-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

Hi!

There is a grave misconception about the nature of cross-gender relations within the body of Christ. Somehow, we have it in our minds, that two people who are of opposite sexes could not live in the same house or spend time together or anything like this without being romantically involved or sexually involved. This is sad.

Do you know how much ministry is lost in the body of Christ because we make decisions based on the fear of our actions being misconstrued, rather than out of love? What if we could treat everyone in the body of Christ like brothers and sisters? Then we could go anywhere, and do almost anything. I say "almost," because obviously sexual intercourse is out of bounds. Obviously, nudity is inappropriate. You wouldn't be naked in the presense of an opposite-gender sibling, would you? Certainly not! Yet, most people wouldn't hesitate spending a night alone with a beloved opposite-gender sibling. Am I right or am I right? I would often have my sisters over for dinner. I'd cook for them, and we would play games together. We had a ball! Once I went on a walk with one of my sisters, and we held hands. We hug often, and I kiss them on the cheek. All of this is appropriate sibling behavior. Why can't we treat siblings in Christ the same way? Why do fear and perceived sexual temptation get in the way of having genuine relationships? We are all bound up inside, and we must be loosed of our fear. For me, this is a great tragedy of the body of Christ- we are more concerned about appearances and the risks of being misunderstood, than we are in developing real relationships with our brothers and sisters in the body. Christ called us to love everyone deeply. Romantic love is a whole other level beyond that for sure. We just have to understand the difference, and have a firm understanding what family love is versus what romantic love is. I think two people can live together, eat together, and even share a bedroom together, and not ever engage in sin. We only think this doesn't work, because we haven't been delivered from fear, doubt, depression, sexual lust, etc. We choose to live in bondage, rather than in freedom. Freedom has no fear. Freedom looks out for the other, rather than trying to get what it wants for itself. We misunderstand the nature of freedom, and shackle ourselves with unnecessary rules, that keep us from understanding the true nature of love. If two people love each other well relative to the existing relationship, there are very few situations that must be avoided entirely. Otherwise, the life of love is a beautiful thing. We need to get off the sidelines, and get in the game.

Sincerely,
Sean

Marriage is about Commitment, Not about a Document or a Ceremony

2009-05-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

What I’m about to say could easily be misconstrued as a license for sin. However, if you get what I’m saying, you will realize that the opposite is true- more people are living in sin under the license of “marriage” than you think.

You see, Jesus said we should let our yes be yes and our no be no. What this means is, that we are freely giving ourselves truly, and are not holding our end of the bargain for legal reasons. For example, there are people who marry fast over lust and not for both love and commitment. These people are trying to do contractually what really needed to be done through the heart. They don’t get it. They don’t understand that love was never about a document you signed or anything else. Love has always been about commitment. It will always be about commitment, too.

Let us put it this way. Let us say that you are involved with the mobster’s daughter. You are married to her, in whatever way you want to define it. You are truly committed to her if you can be obedient in the following situation. The mob boss finds out you are involved with his daughter. He brings over innumerable guns, and over and over again he puts a gun to your head and asks you to break it off. Each time, you say no, he pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. Finally he shows you that all those guns were empty- no bullets in any of the chambers in any of the countless guns he’s used so far. He pulls out one more gun. This time, he shows you the inside of the gun- each chamber has a bullet in it. He puts the gun to your head. “Now I’m going to ask you one more time. Are you in or out of this relationship?” If you would still not back down, you are committed.

See? This is what commitment is. It is the “Come hell or high water, I’m going to be with you” kind of commitment. When Jesus said that people could get a divorce in the case of adultery, he said that for the same reason Moses permitted divorce- because the people were not ready for his kind of agape love. He let them off the hook, because he loved them. The truth is, if divorce is an option, perhaps you weren’t married in the first place, and you’ve been living in sin all this time. On the other hand, there are some couples who never had a marriage ceremony, but they are married in the eyes of God. That is because there is no manipulation involved- their marriage is based on trust and commitment, not selfishness and greed. Love does not use another to meet its own needs. Love trusts. Love perseveres. Love isn’t afraid of abuse, but completely surrenders. Don’t get me wrong- both parties have to have this level of commitment, not just one of them. However, if both parties are totally, 100% committed, there is no sin to have sex without some kind of ceremony. The ceremony is a celebration, not some kind of institutional sex Christmas or something. We have to get what marriage is and isn’t, stop judging by mere appearances and look at the heart.

I know this word is very intense. Please think about it thoroughly before judging it- I feel confident before God I’m right. Look at this, and you will see Jesus in this.

Your friend,
Sean

Love Casts Out Fear

2009-04-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

I realize now that I have found the greatest issue in the body of Christ. That issue is singular- the issue of fear. Sadly, so many opportunities to minister to others are lost because of this very simple issue. We're afraid that God won't provide for us. We're afraid people will misunderstand us. We're afraid people will take advantage of us. We're just plain afraid, and it is tragic.

I believe that basically almost all fear, if not fear in its whole entirety, is bad. The God we serve wants and desires that we actually trust him. This trust comes in many forms. We can trust God that he'll provide for our finances. We can trust God with our reputation. We can trust him with the aftermath of misunderstood kindness. God can be trusted. He can be trusted for miracles, if only we'd offer to pray for people. He can be trusted for prophetic words. Daddy, as I call God, longs that we trust him completely. Yet we very often hang out on the sidelines, letting fear keep us out of the game. God wants us in the game! Begin to believe that God is big enough to care for you. Currently, I know someone who Daddy revealed to me has basically stripped themselves of a piece of their identity, for the purpose of reaching the lost. By doing so, this person has largely alienated themselves from the Christian community. I only know about it by divine revelation- and I could be wrong- but I'm fairly certain I'm correct in this conclusion. The purpose of this, is to reach people who could not be reached any other way. I'm telling you now this is what love is. Love sacrifices. Love trusts. Love is not self seeking or keeps record of wrongs. In the church, we talk about love, but love was never meant to live in theory. It must be practiced. True love very often involves taking risks. Sometimes those risks blow up in our faces. Nevertheless, without living out the gospel, we will never truly see what Daddy is really like. We will never know what it is like for someone who had been a hater of Christians to call you a friend. We will never see people beset with tragedy who turned from Christ return to Christ. There is so much that we miss out on because we believe the lies of the enemy more than the love of our God!

Please- stop living in fear. You can't control how others respond to your kindness. You can't control the future. You are not your provider; Daddy is. If we are going to love well, we must first let go of these sorts of assumptions. We are not guaranteed even another minute here on earth, yet we act as though we can prevent our very death. Very often, what passes for responsibility is just fear masquerading as love. We must learn to be led by the Spirit, and the Spirit leads us into the life of love. Please choose to believe your Daddy in heaven has your best interests at heart and has the strength to care for you, and that love is a choice that is always worthwhile. People are dying all around us, if only we weren't so afraid for ourselves that we would help them and each other...

Do Not Let Your Left Hand Know What Your Right Hand Is Doing

2009-04-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

I want to talk about something that I'm learning right now, something that for me is intensely difficult. I want speak of letting go completely of one's reputation.

As I'm writing this, I'm discovering the desire to explain one's actions or to be too forthright in an explanation can give everything away. Even as I'm writing this, I can think of examples I want to use that would make myself look cool, and I know I can't use them because people I know will read this, and I have my heart set on nobody knowing. What ministry I'm doing is rarely anyone's business but my own. How long I spent interceding for others last night is no one's business but God's. The desire to explain my actions knaws at me at times, because I deeply desire not to be misunderstood. Even my friends at times misunderstand my actions, because they don't know my heart. This is the ruthless test of my soul- am I okay being misunderstood? Am I okay if people don't get it? If I show the extent of my love, and people assume evil motives, do I have the internal strength to trust God to defend me, and let him take care of it? This need to be understood comes from the devil, because deep down we're afraid (or at least I'm afraid...) that we must protect ourselves from others' misconceptions. For me, this all compounded by the fact that I am mentally wired such that I don't think like everyone else, which gets me into trouble more often than not. Regardless, though, I'm determined to let go of my need to defend my actions, because I know that this is not the kingdom way.

I hope that the reader takes to heart not only this idea that Daddy will in the end take care of you, but also in the end, vindicate you. My prayer for my audience is that we would all learn how to ruthlessly trust Daddy, as he has promised to always care for us. After all, the great reward for surrendering our reputation is treasure in heaven, which is the only treasure truly worthwhile!

They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Lobbying and Legislative Efforts

2009-03-21T16:38:00.000-07:00

To some degree, this is a continuation of the previous post, but I think it deserves a post of its own. Somehow, the church has exchanged its role as prophet for attempting to use political power to legislate changes that only love can accomplish.

Honestly I'm fit to be tied about this. Where does the church get off judging the world for sin where there is no tangible signs of love? You who vote pro-life, do you love teenage girls? You who hate drug abuse, do you love drug addicts? You who hate gay marraige, do you love homosexuals? What on earth is going on here? How did we get this way? Where is the love?

I'm sorry, but this personally offends me. The church, when seen as a legislative force instead of a grace force, comes off as a bunch of control freaks, trying to impose their own morality on others instead of a force of lovingkindness, showing the nature of God for what it is. How did we get this way? How did we buy into the lie that the will of God was to be accomplished primarily through political means? I don't know how this happened, but I pray that you, the reader, would choose love. Choose to care about people more than just trying to control them. Ultimately, only the love of Christ can affect the change in our society that needs to happen. The world needs to see that we love them, and that ultimately the only way that the changes we see that need to happen are going to happen. They know we are Christians by our love, not by our lobbying efforts.

The Land of Responsibility Versus a Culture of Victimhood

2009-03-11T00:43:00.000-07:00

I see a great tragedy taking place within the faith today. In essence, the church is coming to believe a great lie of the enemy, that somehow outside circumstances and other's decisions are the problem, both on a personal and on a corporate level. Let me explain what I mean.

Let us say that you have problem with how you use the Internet. Say you use the Internet for sexual uses that falls outside of what God asks of us. Some say the problem is that the Internet is unfiltered or unregulated like television is regulated. This thinking states that we are sexual creatures who just can't help ourselves. This is wrong! As believers, we are called to a place of supernatural strength, such that we love God to the point of honoring him in all our ways. How is it then that the Internet is responsible for your sin? No, the Internet reveals what is in your heart. I understand that software like Covenant Eyes is a good idea, and for a season it may be the best starting point for rebuilding the walls between us and sin. Nevertheless, God never intended that we would let software assume the responsibility for us living right before God! Who you are when you are alone on the Internet with no one monitoring or filtering your behavior and no apparent immediate consequences for your decisions is who you really are and where you are really at. Blaming the Internet or the government or anyone else for your choice to engage in behaviors that fall outside of your faith is just a scapegoat.

On a larger scale, much of what is called the Religious Right has convinced us that laws are what are needed to keep the country from sin, such as abortion. Never has a more victim-oriented claim ever been made! If anything, it is the role of the church to love this country, to meet the needs of expectant mothers so that abortion isn't the apparent best option. If we take responsibility for this issue by ministering to the poor and oppressed, reaching out to families and helping to mentor the world in a way that reveals what love looks like, no abortion law would ever be needed. You cannot regulate or law-enforce the human heart in a way that works. We are not victims of the Supreme Court or Hollywood. The problems we see in the culture are evidence that we have stopped being salt and light, deciding instead to be victims, blaming others for our own issues. If we as the body of Christ would step up and love the people of the world the way Christ did, many of the issues that concern the church would go away for good or become substantially less significant.

In short, God has asked that we would be his bride. There may be seasons where we must distance ourselves to some degree from the temptations we face, but this should not replace us deciding to grow into the maturity that God demands of us. We must not blame the culture or the devil for our decisions- what we choose is the barometer of where we are at, and although there may be bondage that needs repentance and deliverance from, that is no excuse for sinning where you are now. The first step is acknowledging that both corporately and individually, we as God's bride are responsible for what is wrong in ourselves and in the world. Don't blame the world for sin- the world is a mirror of how well the church is salt and light. Let us pursue God with abandon and not excuse our sin but be liberated from it!

The Question That Demands An Answer

2008-12-07T13:22:00.000-08:00

There is a question that haunts humanity. It is a question that has been asked for centuries. It is the question the Prechristians in your life want an answer to. And the truth is, every decision you make, every word you say, every step you take, is an answer to this question. What is the question, you ask? Who is God, and what is God like. There is a corallary question also- is God good?

Yes, my friend, every act you do and everything you say testifies something about the nature of God. What does your life say about the nature of God? Is your life testifying that God is good? If your life doesn't testify about God's goodness, why do you believe that is? My conviction is that your experiences with God, how you think about how God has acted towards you, is going to directly translate into the life you lead. If there are struggles in your life that seem to be holding you down, you should ask the question if you really truly believe that God has your best interests at heart. That is what sin conveys to the world- sin conveys to the world that we do not believe that God has our best interests at heart. We sin because deep down we do not believe that God loves us and cares for us. I am here to tell you that God is good. The rumors of God's goodness, of his joy, that his love covers us and that he always has our best interests at heart, are true. I can say without blushing that God has been watching over me for my whole life. Yes, my life has been tough. There are seasons I've had of extreme difficulty, and I have my regrets. Nevertheless, I can look back on the past and see how God has been good to me, and how God has used the bad to form his goodness in me. I also know that I've heard God (or Daddy as I like to call him) speak to me so tenderly. The God I know and love has been especially tender to me. He is so patient with me; he is so full of joy. I've never known someone who loves so unconditionally.

You are invited today to partake in God's goodness. You are invited today to believe what some think is unbelievable- that God is joyous, gracious, and forgiving. That God is someone you would want to spend time with is unfathamable to the unbelieving heart, but my hope is it is not impossible for you to think. You are invited today to a life filled with joy and sorrow, a life of difficulty and fullness. No, what God asks of us at times is difficult, but God makes it easy with his love. For his yoke is easy and his burden is light, so shall be our relationship with God if we truly let God in. I'm telling you God is good and worth getting to know. He is asking that you would let him come close to you, that you may receive his love in a new way. Won't you let him come close?

Developing A Vision For Your Life

2008-01-17T16:57:00.000-08:00

Hi!

In our relationship with God, the truth is that God has a plan for you and me. While you may know that, do you have any idea what it is or how you are going to follow it? I think there is a dirth in the church as far as personal vision. We aren't believing anything about who we are called to be, which hinders our growth and keeps us from following God's plan for our lives. I am of the opinion everyone needs a significant vision for their life, which makes following God's plan possible. Everyone needs a vision they can call their own, and this entry is about developing a vision that is connected to the destiny that God has for your life.

The first step in this process is to be spending time with the source of the vision, God. Without being in his presense on a daily basis, any vision you might come up with is likely to be more your vision than God's. You need God's picture of who you are going to be, not something you entirely cooked up yourself, and spending time with God will help bring clarity about what is from God and what isn't.

The second step is to do a thorough evaluation of where you are at, and what God is working on in your life right now. Examples of what God might be teaching you is how to manage your finances, how to build meaningful friendships, learning to hear God's voice better, etc. Knowing what God is working on in your life is critical to getting a glimpse of what God is doing.

The third step is to envision what your life might look like when you have grown in the area that God is grooming you in to the point where it is fruitful. What would your life look like? What would success in this area mean? Would it mean you could give more, financially or otherwise? Would it mean a shift in priorities, such as an increase in time spent in ministry? By seeing what the end result is, you can get a picture of what God is trying to accomplish, thus giving you some vision as to what you are called to.

By iterating through steps one, two, and three you will begin to see a picture. Who is that person you are seeing? What are his or her new priorities? How do they spend their time? Who are their friends? You see, that is what vision is- it is seeing who you are becoming. By developing this vision, you can cultivate in yourself now the willingness to do what it takes to become this person. Most of the real work will be done in your time with God and in the promises you make to yourself that are appropriate for where you are and are promises you can reasonably expect to keep. Keeping the promises should come from the love of yourself you've cultivated in your time with God. As you follow the vision you have, you should keep updating your vision. As you are moving forward, God will give you new pieces of what he is doing and where you are going.

The important thing in this is to keep drawing near to God. Without a certain degree of intimacy with the Father, this process I've described above can easily turn into works, and you must consistently fight for living in relationship with God and not living for the vision or living to try and impress God. My hope is that finding this vision for your life will help you see that God has a calling on your life, and it is a calling that will give meaning and purpose, one that will lead you to experiencing the fullness of relationship with God. Trust me, God has saved the best for this season and the seasons to come- if you will trust him and draw near, I think you will like who you are going to be and discover that life with God is way better than anything you had planned for yourself. Now go out there and develop that vision, and seize God's best for your life!

If You Have A Problem, God Has A Plan

2008-01-10T20:45:00.000-08:00

Hello!

I realize that in some sense the topic for this entry is pretty obvious. However, I find that this is not how I respond to problems; I tend to try to solve them on my own, and I'm guessing I'm not the only one. I promise there will be some meat to this particular post, so hang on!

The truth is, we get awed by the size of the problems we come into more than we pray about them. The natural response to a problem is to find a solution that we can think up. Honestly, our own thoughts will tend to think of the obvious solutions rather than the best or correct solution, and then we get annoyed about the drawbacks to our proposed solution and never act. Sometimes the delays between when we recognize the problem and when we bring it before God can cause damage, so the important thing about this particular epiphany is that you realize that not only does God in general have plans for any general problem, but also that God has a specific plan for this particular problem, and it is up to us to seek God to find what that specific plan is. In doing this, you must realize that he may not give you all the details about how everything is going to work out. Let me give an example- let's say that you hate your job. I mean, you really, really need to find a new job, and soon. Let's say you listen to me and decide to seek God about this specific problem, say by fasting and prayer. You may spend some time thinking about it too; I'm not against thinking about it as part of solving the problem, so long as it isn't the only thing you are doing- often times the praying part will set you up so that when you think about it, it will come to you. What God might give you as far as what to do, may not be exactly what you hope for. He might tell you to move somewhere else. You may not even have a job lined up before you get there, but of course that is what living by faith means- we usually have to trust God with some parts, though which parts are probably dependent on where you are at with God and your faith level. At this point, you have part of the solution. You then need to continue seeking God and possibly also talk to other Godly people about the solution you've come up with. This is all part of living in relationship with God- you have problem, you seek God, God gives you enough of the solution to move on, you move on what you know (after getting confirmation from other Godly people for more significant decisions), and then the cycle starts all over again. This is the life of faith. People who follow through this cycle multiple times get to a place where they have a deep relationship with God.

My hope for you is that you would not be dismayed by whatever problems are in your life. I promise you, if God has allowed a problem to come your way, there is always a solution to deal with it. We may not be enamored with the solution God comes up with, and it may scare us some, but I promise you, if you follow God on the solution, everything will work out. You just have to trust God on this- God is in control, and if you believe in a sovereign God like I do you know that ultimately the outcome is in His hands, and will be for the best. May your faith grow in leaps and bounds as you seek God more and more for the solutions you need for the problems that you are currently facing.

Interdependence

2007-11-14T15:10:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since I have written, but here today I have something good for you who took a shot at seeing what I have written lately. Thanks for stopping in!

I will be honest with you, what I am writing about today I am not an expert at. I am writing about it because I am learning about it, and because I don't think the teachings in Christianity generally give it justice. I think this particular subject could help a lot of people, so here goes....

I think much of what passes for church these days is a far cry from what we were really called to. Christianity is supposed to be about helping one another, and yet we seem to suffer alone more than reach out for help. The truth is plain to me- we need each other. We need to be vulnerable to each other and to God. We need to bond with others in order to survive. Truth is, as human beings we all have pain, although in varying amounts. We all need encouragement. We all need to know that we aren't alone in this struggle that we call life. Without each other, we are doomed to isolation and victims of illusions. Without learning to depend on others and on God, and also allowing ourselves to be depended on by others, we are trapped with little hope of escaping. We were meant to have meaningful interactions and conversations with God and others on a daily basis. Please- I plead with you- allow yourself to be vulnerable with a friend. Next time you feel lousy, instead of reaching for the remote, or the internet, or sex, or whatever your drug of choice is, reach out to God and to others for meeting your needs. Pray, and seek his face. Listen, and see what God is saying. Let someone share your burden. They say no man is an island, so why do we live like we are?

I think the best is yet to come for you. Don't give up on meaningful human and divine interaction. I believe the best for your life is yet to come, but we can't make it alone...

Practical Christianity

2007-07-17T00:20:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here, having realized how long it is since I have written, and... I feel the need to write. Honestly I don't know where this is going, so bear with me.

It dawns on me that Christianity is often seen in some theoretical light. Often times one of the casualties is the understanding of what life with God is supposed to be about. This is unfortunate.

What I mean is, we don't understand how God walks with us through are difficulties and quirks with the idea in mind that we might get to know him. This is the point. Our reportcard doesn't say how many lives came to Christ through us, or how sin-free we became, or how much money we gave away. What matters is how well you know the Father, and even more importantly than that, how well the Father knows you. This is the truest barometer of where we stand with God. Anything else is fluff, and largely irrelevant, outside of how much it draws us closer to God or pushes us away from him. This is what relationship with God is all about.

My prayer for you is that you will see that this is the real point of Christianity. We are meant to be utterly candid and transparent before God, we are meant to cease being a human doing and let Christ work through us as a human being. This, my readers, is what God wants most from us, that we cease trying to impress him and get to know him instead.

How We Judge People

2006-10-23T16:06:00.000-07:00

I am sure most of my readers have seen the first three Star Wars movies that were made. In those movies Darth Vader was the villain. We tended to loath him, thinking him inhuman- some kind of evil robot or something.

The question I would pose to you- given the prequels, how do you see him now? And how differently would you look at him, if you had known his history when you first watched him?

True, he did a few very nasty things in the third prequel. No doubt he is still a villain. And yet, I think it changes the way we look at him when we realize that he too was once a kid. He was a hero at one point. He was someone else's child. He had, in a sense, a kind of innocence that most kids have. Yet we might never would have thought of that without the prequels.

We should be careful how we look at people. We don't know where they came from or how they got where they are. There are always reasons why people make the decisions they make- even if the reasons aren't necessarily that good, or justification for their actions, they are reasons- and it helps to remember that we have not stepped in their shoes. We don't know how the world looks to them. Grace must be applied liberally, as we all hope to be looked at with the grace-healed eyes of Christ, instead of the judgement of perfection. My hope is that we all learn to love those around us that we don't get, remembering that we are hoping Christ will love us as we are and accept us into his kindom inspite of our not living up to the model set by Christ.

In short, we all need grace-healed eyes. Remember to judge people the way you wish to be judged by Christ...

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Assumptions

2006-08-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

I just had an epiphany. It came as I realized the reason for why I spent so many hours trying to solve a particular problem here at work. The problem, ultimately, was that I made an assumption that I did not question, leading me to hours of unnecessary work.

Assumptions can be very dangerous. Their danger is in the fact that we rarely realize or question the assumptions we are making, which allow us to hopelessly spin our wheels trying to work our way out of a jam that was created, in part, because of one or more assumptions we made that we didn't question. I would argue that a high percentage of issues that go unresolved for awhile are unresolved because of a bad assumption. The question, then, is: How do we catch these assumptions?

I think catching these assumptions begins with realizing that what you are currently doing is not working. This requires a fair amount of humility, because we all like to think that we know what we are doing and that we can solve our problems by ourselves. We assume that perseverence is the answer, when just maybe it isn't. A good set of questions to ask: "How many times have I tried this particular solution? How successful have I been with it?" That might betray a loyalty to a particular solution that might be faulty. Another assumption: this solution worked for someone else, so it should work for you. Remember- there is often more than one way to solve a problem.

Here are some example assumptions that people make.

"You are the solution."

One case where this assumption gets made is when you assume that Christ is going to use you to lead someone else to God. That may be true. However, often times the best thing we can do is just share our testimony, and pray that God will bring other Christians into that persons life that will minister effectively with them. We may not have the approach that best works for that person, or they may not be ready yet. Either way, we need to hear from God what our role is, and how we can best influence them.

"Our role in the solution is small or nonexistent."

I see this assumption in addictions and in all sorts of temptations. Just so you know what it looks like... picture this: you have a song stuck in your head. Let's assume that this song isn't the best song to be bouncing around inside your noggin. What sometimes happens is that we give up trying to get it out of our head. Now it is possible that this is the best thing that can be done- all you doers out there that think you can solve any problem need to know that you aren't the whole solution. But there is another temptation- to believe that we are stuck and will just have to live with the problem until God does all the work for us. This attitude is completely antithetical to the gospel. Christ came to heal us and change us from the inside out, but also with our cooperation. Now that doesn't mean he will in every situation- we do need to ask God what he is doing in the situation in front of us. Never forget, though, that it was perseverence that was rewarded in the bible, and that rather than just giving up or trying the same solution over and over, that maybe a different solution is the answer.

As you can see, attitude is a big part of the solution. If we think that between our ability to hear from God, seek out counsel from people more developed than ourselves, be introspective enough to find and question the assumptions we are making, and seek for a way out, that God will provide the door. We have to believe that our God loves us and that as long as we have an understanding from him that we are to win this fight, we should press on to victory. Remember- very often the reason we struggle is that we made a faulty assumption that is holding us down, so make time often to step backwards and question the assumptions you are making.

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

PS If you email me through the link in "View my complete profile", I will try to send a message to you when I update my blog. It would also be cool to know people are reading it.

God's Timing

2006-07-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

Recently I got a picture that relates to God's timing. Hopefully you have seen "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring." There is a scene in it where Gandalf is riding into the Shire on a horse-drawn cart. Frodo runs up and jumps on the cart and tells Gandalf that he's late. Gandalf's response is priceless: "A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He always arrives precisely when he means to." This line has enormous spiritual experience, as God is the same way.

Sometimes we think God is late. We desire God not to stretch us in his timing. And yet it is clear from scripture that God often arrives "precisely when he means to". A few passages to consider in this: when Abraham is waiting for the promised child, when Saul is waiting for Samuel to come and make the sacrifice, and the death of Lazarus. In all three cases people expected something to happen sooner than God planned. We expect God to be on our timetable. Yet here we see that God has his own plan and does things when he desires.

My prayer for us is that we would learn to trust God. Difficult circumstances are designed with this in mind, that we would bloom into mature believers that can really trust God in all things. God wants to make us promises, and have us patiently abide in Christ while he prepares to fulfill the promises made. Hopefully we won't create an Ishmael through unbelief. May your faith and trust in God grow in leaps and bounds in this season.

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Get What You Need From God

2006-06-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

Here is a specific challenge that faces all of us, either through difficult circumstances, unstable emotions, or even boredom with its accompanied temptations. That is- getting what we need from God.

I am all for conferences, bible studies, etc. However, I do think there is a genuine temptation to expect to use these to solve whatever current dryness currently exists in our lives. When it comes down to it, we really need to be self sufficient in our ability to come to God when we need him and get whatever need is there met. Too often we think that meetings and conferences are what we need. Were there conferences in the early church? No. And while they did have meetings, I think they were more for sharing with each other what God has done. Ultimately, God is our source and supplier, not other people. Come to God to meet your needs.

There is a weapon that is not well known outside of charismatic circles for repositioning one's self when the need is great. It is called "praying in the spirit" or "praying in tongues". It works as a form of spiritual exercise, enabling you to hear God better and to be spiritually aligned. If you are able to do this, I highly recommend it when life presses down hard. If you don't have this, it is worth pursuing and will change your life. Other tools include crying out to God, meditation, fasting, and other disciplines as mentioned in Richard Foster's "Celebration of Discipline".

Ultimately, there will be times in our life where there will be great need. My prayer for you the reader is that when trials and tests come you will reach out to God and get your needs met directly from him. People can help, true, and that has its place, but living a disciplined, holy life requires that we are able to get our fix from God when no one is available. It shows real maturity in Christ that we can come to him with our open hands and let him meet our needs.

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Deliberate Living

2006-05-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

Hi!

God is giving me a new challenge, and even though I am still processing it I thought it would bless you to hear about it and be challenged as well. The challenge is to live a directed life, living with a sense of purpose.

As I see it, it is really easy to get sucked into our daily lives with little in the way of purpose directing our overall direction. In general, we are doing good if our daily lives are disciplined and there is some degree of ministry in our lives. The problem with all this is that we will tend to dream small within this framework and not really branch out and follow any real dreams God might have for us.

I'd like to say that I know what dreams God has for me, but truthfully I don't. I could see myself writing for a living, but I sense that for that to succeed, I would need some life experiences to give me a foundation to write from. I really am not sure how to get this foundation correctly. All of this is somewhat foreign to me anyways- up until recently I thought I was going to be programming for a long time. It seems to me that God has other plans for me in the next several years. Now I just need to know where to begin! So I write this post not feeling confident how to move forward, except realizing that change is needed, even while not knowing what change that is.

I think the key for me is praying for a plan. Taking time to think about what God might lead me into is key as well. I might need to fast also- I have found fasting in the past to be an effective weapon to help you hear from God. At least I have a starting place- I want to write about the Christian life and I think I might be gifted enough to succeed. Hopefully you have an idea of what you would like to do with your life.

My prayer for you is that you would begin to look at your life carefully and the goals you set. Are you becoming the person you want to be? Are you impacting the world the way you hoped to? Is your life the way you want it to be? These are questions I am asking myself, and because I don't like the answers I am getting, I am starting to rethink my strategy. Please think on these things as well. God has great things in store for us if only we would reach for them!

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Life Satisfaction

2006-05-07T16:21:00.000-07:00

One challenge that meets me every so often is the challenge of being content with what I have where I am. I see this challenge in particular when someone I know graduates from college with better grades than I got or when I watch someone I know get married. I am sure you have experienced it too.

When it comes down to it though, I can take solace in one truth- every day I get to experience the presense of God. Every day I get to receive his love, as long as I choose to. I am going to be in heaven! You must understand something. In a sense, heaven isn't just for when you die. You were meant to delight yourself in God every day, which in some lesser sense is experiencing heaven right here on earth. When I remember the love God has shown me, and I feel his kindness with me, it brings tears to my eyes. I realize that I have found what is most important in my life, someone who doesn't care how immaculate my grades were in college or critisizing me for still being single. The love of my life really just loves to be with me, and ultimately getting to know this love takes away any envy I might have of others. Why should I envy others when I know the love of God? It would make no sense.

My prayer for you is that your relationship with God would be all you would really need to be satisfied with life. God can be everything you need, and in knowing him you can experience heaven every day. Delight yourself in the Lord every day and discover what it really means to be satisfied!

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Be God's Friend

2006-05-01T18:01:00.000-07:00

On this occasion I am going after the attitude that God is your critic, always wanting more.

You must understand that there is a spiritual reality that says everything we do is to be lived out of relationship. The truth is, God doesn't need our help. If God wanted to, he could either do it himself or send an angel to do it or even send someone else. What God really wants is to get close to us. How close you are to God is the true measuring rod of how successful you really are. You could be doing lots of stuff and calling it ministry and all the time becoming more and more distant from God. It was for this reason that Jesus said "I never knew you" in Matthew 7:23.

When we get close to God, and experience his kindness, it begins to redefine who we are. This redefinition is the work God must do in our hearts in order for us to truly be effective in ministry. Discovery of grace is crucial to spiritual development. Without discovering grace, we will be prone to a works oriented religion and believe God is never satisfied. You need to know grace for yourself, but the way to grace is through admitting your need and weakness before God and others.

Let me put it to you this way. Outside of writing here, there isn't a ton of ministry in my life. I have multiple close friends and I hang out with a teenager once a week who doesn't have a dad and play Netrunner and talk. From a purely quantitative perspective I am not much to speak of. Unfortunately, due to my disabilities, I think this might be my max for the time being. I am doing good to be taking care of myself, and admitting my own weakness has been hard. And yet it is the fact that I have come to grips with grace, really knowing the love of God, that has helped me accept where I am, and let me live at peace with the fact that I probably don't live up to other people's standards about "what I ought to be doing". Please hear me out- grace means that we live out of relationship with God and let him set the expectations for our lives. There are times when I wish I could be more like someone else, who is doing more. I am glad though, that God gave me this weakness or I might not have been so profoundly impacted by grace, so completely transformed by the love of God.

My prayer for you today is that you might discover the depths of the love of God. That you might admit to yourself, to God, and to others your own weakness and come to realize how great the grace of God really is. He really is the kindest person you will ever meet, and he really does accept us for who we are, regardless of faults. Let God's love touch you and change you today!

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Living the Disciplined Life

2006-04-25T15:08:00.000-07:00

Our lives are filled with habits. The challenge is how do we keep good habits and lose bad ones?

I have thought about discipline a fair amount. I am often trying to improve the way my life works and am daily putting in effort to hold on to habits I am trying to acquire. There is always a period of time where certain habits require real work to make them a part of our life. It is during this time period in which most people lose the fight. It requires mental toughness it add a new habit to your life.

I like talking in concrete terms so I will share where I am seeing success and where I need to do some work. I have succeeded in making exercise a fundamental part of my morning routine. The truth is, the way I am wired, I need 45 minutes of aerobic exercise every morning in order for my life to work properly. At this point this habit takes very little mental toughness to keep, as I just do it five days a week without thinking much about it. I am also doing well about spending time in the word every morning and praying as well. These habits seem to be critical to my overall success, so I am glad to have them in place. Hygiene has become a higher priority in the last couple of months, as in brushing my teeth a second time during the day and flossing, as well as adding palmade to my hair to make it look nicer. They still take a little mental toughness- there have been a few occasions where I have had to drag my rear end out of bed to brush my teeth and floss, but I haven't missed days and I am pretty happy about how it is going.

As far as habits that need changing... my work affords me a lot of flexibility as far as when I work, so I struggle getting to work as early as I like. My diet could use to have more fruits and vegetables in it. It would be good if I did more cooking - I admit it, as far as the food I eat, I am little lazy. I do some cooking for breakfast, but it really isn't anything elaborate. I don't eat out too often, which is good, but still my diet could use some work. It would be nice if I made a habit out of cleaning out the interior of my car. Yes, I am going to try and change these things over the months and years to come.

The number one secret to making change is to do it slowly. You can try to change it all at once, but once your emotional fervor dies down you probably won't have the capacity to hold on to it. Pick the most critical habit for your success overall and go after it. The key here is consistency. You need to retrain yourself so that doing whatever this habit requires every day becomes standard procedure. If it was reading your bible in the morning, just read for 15 minutes to start with. Don't try to read for a really long time at the beginning; you don't want to set the bar so high that it disuades you from following through the next day. A little bit of patience goes a long way- don't expect to get amazing results right off the bat.

My prayer for you is that you will put the effort in to add new disciplines into your life. Good habits go far toward helping you sustain success when it comes. And the habits you have will dictate the character that is in you. If you are single, you will bring joy to your life through good habits and it will help you attract a mate. If you are married, upgrading your habits will help sustain your marriage and make your mate more content that they chose you. You might even like looking in the mirror more, enjoying who you are becoming. I pray that you will agree with me that the disciplined life is the way to live!

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Perspective

2006-04-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

I think a great challenge in life is to keep perspective. The problem with perspective is that it is internal- it is hard to tell when we've lost it and have got sucked into some problem or circumstance in our life that has wrecked our perspective. It often takes an outside source to point out to us that we've lost perspective.

The beauty of perspective is that it allows us to relax. The truth is we should live in a restful state with God that keeps life in a right perspective, even when difficulties do come. We should be able to enjoy life, realizing that our true treasure is in heaven and everything good that happens to us on this earth is just icing. Or maybe it is less than icing- maybe it is just the frosted writing on the cake that says "I love you" from God. Regardless we should remember that heaven is our home and that God loves us passionately. We can just allow God to work through our lives and let go of any desires that aren't necessary for our calling.

My prayer for you today is that you would give a quick glance at the way you are looking at life and ask "Have I lost perspective? Am I living in a restful state? Are the fruit of the spirit evident in how I am conducting myself, or is it some other kind of fruit? If it is some other kind of fruit, why is my perspective out of whack or lost?" Please take some time and think about this. You never know what might come to the surface. Regain your perspective today!

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

How to Build Closer Friendships

2006-04-18T15:13:00.000-07:00

For some reason I seem to have a knack for building close friendships. For whatever reason, I think I am generally the exception- at least as far as men are concerned, I can't speak for women. If you would like to build deeper friendships, I might be able to help.

There is a skill involved that I am not sure I can give complete justice to. I think it is the timely ability to share personal information as the relationship deepens. I think this means it is okay, at least between people of the same gender, to admit struggles that are common to that gender relatively early on in the friendship, probably in a general fashion. This amount of transparency gets the ball rolling and allows for deeper discussions later on.

As I talked about in my friendship wisdom post, it also makes sense to be selective about who you make friends with. Some people aren't very good at sharing who they are, where they came from, etc. And some people will always be that way. A good way to see where a person is at is to experiment talking about something closer to the surface, like politics or theology, something where a personal opinion is required and there is some risk of disagreement. If they can handle this, then there is hope. If not, then there is reason to believe this person might find it quite difficult sharing anything really personal. I wouldn't try too hard making it work if after hanging out several times all you can talk about is sports or a common hobby.

I can't stress enough the value of listening. It is something that we don't realize how much it is worth until we begin to wonder why people don't really enjoy hanging out with us. Learning how to be a good listener is really governed by motivation. When I realized that listening was the only way I can learn anything new, that was a big help for me to stop thinking about what I want to say next and just pay attention to what they are saying now. If you want deeper relationships, listening will be instrumental in your success.

I think one skill that has been very helpful to me is the ability to ask good questions. When you ask about their week, ask "What happened this week? Did anything new happen? Why was it a good week?" Any question that requires more than a one word answer will help. Even talking about our lives and how things are really going in something more specific than "fine" is progress towards getting to know each other. The goal is to get the other person to share about themselves whatever they feel comfortable sharing so that the bonding process is moving on.

I wish you all blessings as you go try to build deeper friendships. If anyone out there has some thoughts on this, please post in the comments as I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this one. Maybe my repertoire could be expanded! I would love to get even better at building good friendships, and I hope you feel the same way.

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Being Filled With the Love of God

2006-04-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

I must confess, there is something I have a passion about. Don't be surprised if you see more posts along the lines of the topic of this post.

I know the reason why we struggle. Oh, we may not be disciplined. We may not be spending the time necessary with God, or whatever. When it comes down to it, though, ultimately you will only really have success in the Christian life as much as you believe and have received the love of God.

I am not talking about whether or not you believe God is loving. People the world over believe that, in some kind of theoretical way. I am saying you need to live off of it. You need to experience it. You need to be transformed by it. When it comes down to it, what we do is based on what we really believe. If you believe that God is your critic you will always be trying to impress him by doing more, which really doesn't impress him at all. If you believe he is distant you will always wonder what he's thinking and will be trying to get his attention. If your life isn't deeply rooted in the love of God, your life is likely to go one of two directions: you will either fall to some kind of addiction, depression, etc. or you will become increasingly religious with little tolerance for the weakness in others. Either way you are on dangerous turf.

Having got your attention, I have thought long and hard about how best to convey God's love to you so that you can experience it for yourself. You see, I am talking about the ultimate lover. This is a person who can turn someone who is as wounded as I was and make him into something of a minister. In order for you to believe that my life is something of a miracle, I need to tell you a little about my history. You see, when I was growing up I was serially abused by my peers in school. I learned to hide behind my intellect and my pride. More than anything in the world, I hurt. Badly hurt. And then in came this wonderful man Jesus. There hasn't been anyone in my life like him! He is just so gentle. No matter where I was, whether I was angry or crazy he has always been there. He is just so patient. At last I met someone who accepted me at face value, who loved me with my ideosyncracies, who just enjoyed hanging out. The truth is, he is the love of my life. Through him I received a ton of healing and that has helped me become a much better friend to my friends. Through his love I have matured tremendously.

The truth is, you have to experience it for yourself. You need to hear his voice on your own. A good book to read is "Dialog with God" by Mark Virkler. It will teach you the fundamentals. It is possible I may decide to reread that book and do some posts on hearing God's voice- if you are interested in this, send me an email and that will show me it is worth the effort of rereading it. If there is anything I can impress upon you, it's that knowing God intimately, hearing his voice, and knowing his love is absolutely critical for you to do what you are called to do. Don't live another day without it!

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Think about it...

2006-04-14T13:15:00.000-07:00

I want to challenge you, the reader, to think more.

You see, there is an epidemic in the church today. It is called "Dogmatism". It is the art of taking other people's thoughts and calling them your own. This kind of thinking isn't thinking at all- it is thought avoidance. The truth is, people are lazy. Maybe you aren't, and maybe I am not, but there are plenty of people out there who believe what they believe because it is popular, or because someone they admire thinks that way, but not because they came to the conclusion themselves. This sort of cop out from genuinely testing information to see if it holds up under scrutiny is for those who don't really want to invest the time and energy to come to unique conclusions. After all, if you think something different than your friends, you might become an outcast, or who knows? Your simplistic view of life might be disturbed.

You wonder what the harm is, in believing something for some other reason besides being firmly convinced through research and thorough thinking about it and finding it is true. There are several issues at hand. First of all, you won't be able to relate at all to people who spend lots of time thinking. True thinkers hate dogmatism; it is really an escape from reality. Another consequence is the inability to see things from other people's perspective. Dogmatism tends to trap the person being dogmatic, so that they can only see one point of view. This will deeply hinder a person's ability when relating to someone with a significantly different viewpoint.

The truth is, we live in a very complex world. Dogmatic people, I think, ultimately are trying to evade this simple truth. They want to believe the earth is only 6,000 years old because that keeps everything within reach, understandable. The truth is often too complex to be fully understood, and rather than face the ambiguity they want to keep it simple enough a child could understand. This is wrong. And you should care enough about what you choose to believe to put the time and energy into considering various viewpoints on topics too complex to understand at first glance. Please do us all a favor and really think about what you believe.

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Joy

2006-04-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

Joy can be an elusive fruit of the Spirit. If you are not experiencing joy, then it might be a good exercise to see if you can find out why.

Now when I say joy, I don't necessarily mean that you are in a great mood or that you are happy. Even in difficult emotional struggles, if your relationship with God is in a good place joy can be there too. While it is true that not every reason for not having joy is necessarily bad, I would say that at least 75% of the time, if you aren't experiencing joy it is either because there is sin, or you did not get what you needed from God in your time with him. Joy is generally a sign, therefore, that there is peace between you and God and that you are have received the love you need from God on that day.

Not having joy is a signpost, a warning. Please take it seriously. If you live seperated from the joy that comes from God long enough, you may try to fill this need some other fashion- either through overdoing your hobbies, placing extra unnecessary expectations on friends and the people you live with, or giving in to addictions. All kinds of sin are readily available to the one who isn't filled with God, and what you might consider an unlikely temptation now might easily beguile you in an unexpected attempt on your part to meet unmet emotional needs. And just because the sin you choose is socially acceptable doesn't mean you will get off scot free with God...

May your life be filled with the joy that comes with surrendering to God and living in the presense of his love. If you have some sin in between you and God, please take care of it now. It will take time to get your joy back, and you owe it to yourself to get your joy back.

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

The Normal Christian Life

2006-04-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what the normal Christian life is like? That is the subject of one of my dreams. Not all my dreams are so spiritual- last night I dreamed that my father was teaching me how to rob banks- and no, my dad doesn't really know how to rob a bank. :-P Where that came from, your guess is as good as mine. Anyways, I woke up thinking about the normal Christian life. What is the normal Christian life? How hard is it supposed to be? What exactly would my life look like if it was normal, based on what God defines as normal?

I think my blog so far in many ways is an attempt to show what should actually be normal. It should be normal that we would be placed in positions where God had to follow through or we would be in trouble. It should be normal for a person to be building their relationship with God every single day, without ever taking a day off. These things should be normal. Spiritual gifting should be normal. I should even be excited about how God might use me on any given day. Maybe I'm off on this, but I'd like to think that every day we could have at least small adventures, where we could discover new facets of God. Although, I am also convinced there is definitely a place for discovering that our emotions don't have to be titillated and we don't have to "feel great" all the time in order for things to be going right in our life. There are seasons where we just need to follow God inspite of not having all the emotions there to help us do what we are called to do. Can the two of these things mesh together and both be true? I am not sure, though in some respects they are two different things and not necessarily mutually exclusive.

I also have another question. Could my life be just a little bit boring in part because I am not allowing myself to be in faith-challenging circumstances? Places where there is real need. I'm not saying there is no ministry in my life, that is not true. The truth is that I am doing very well with what God has given me, and I am always trying to improve. But maybe you, and definitely I am little bit bored because there isn't enough ministry in our lives. I'll have to think about how to fill that gap... and maybe you should too, if that is where you are. It is nice to make a difference in someone's life...

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

One day at a time...

2006-04-06T12:06:00.000-07:00

I am having the dawning realization that success in the Christian life requires daily work. You know, I have heard plenty of sermons about reading my Bible every day and praying every day and although the fruit of this message might involve that, this message is not about that directly. It is about this- the idea that we can take even a single day for granted, or let up even for a moment.

The truth is our enemy is always at work. Our enemy, the devil, doesn't take days off. It's almost as if we think he does- like we can fool around with an undisciplined attitude because we don't feel like taking our relationship with Christ seriously on some given day. I am telling you- if you want to succeed, you are going to have to fight on your hands and knees every day to have it. If you slack off, our enemy will shred you to pieces at an unexpected moment, like a farmer waiting for a pig to get fat before the slaughter the enemy will wait for just the right time to destroy you. Beware- the Christian life is fraught with peril. It is a daily fight that does not ever really let up. It seems to me the reason why the church has so many problems is simply because we let down our guard on some days, not walking with God every day, not seeking the grace we need to live sin free every single day of our lives. If you want to see victory in your life, you need a persevering perspective of taking each day by the horns and not letting up until you are completely asleep... then wake up the next morning and start all over. Don't be caught asking God for longterm success- that can be just another way to dodge the responsibility of following God today. Daily grace is needed to win this fight...

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Handling Frustration

2006-03-24T16:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but my work subjects me to a lot of frustration. It seems that there are periods I go through where as soon as I solve one problem, another raises its head- and sometimes these problems take a whole day or more to solve. This frustration, left unchecked, could leave me very vulnerable to impatience with other people, any kind of escapist sin, and all kinds of temptations that otherwise wouldn't have a chance of getting my attention.

I think it is critical to see when we are vulnerable to sin, and to avoid situations that might lead us astray. Maybe when we are most frustrated is the best time to pull ourselves away from our lives, get connected with God, and remember that all this life we are simply visitors here and that are real home is elsewhere. Forgetting this important fact, we might take life a little too seriously, which despite the erroneous perception that to take things serious is to love God, we risk getting entangled in our situation and going astray. This ability to relax, to trust God, and let go of your circumstances and emotional struggles will keep you spiritually healthy, and sane as well. It seems to me that letting God into it gives me perspective, and perspective gives me peace- which we all need.

Hopefully I am not the only person whose work or life frustrating- and when life does get that way, hopefully you'll remember these words and they will bless you and keep you from sin.

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Wisdom about Friendships

2006-03-20T14:33:00.000-08:00

I want to talk about something from an angle that in my opinion doesn't get talked about very much, which is to arm the reader with relational wisdom.

The truth is, who we hang around plays a critical role in who we become. Do not think hanging out with people who don't love God or have a weak or stale relationship with God doesn't have its risks. You see, whenever we hang with someone, that person is in some fashion influencing us, and we them. The question is, how great is our influence with them versus how much an influence they are having in our own life. Do not deceive yourself- just because you are hanging out with an unbeliever does not automatically guarantee that you are leading them to Christ. We must be mature in this- and only let people with a similar or greater degree of maturity in Christ get close enough to us from an influencial perspective to mold our thinking in a positive way instead of away from God.

T.D. Jakes goes so far as to say that we should prune relationships where the other person isn't able to relate to you in terms of who you are becoming. The truth is we need people who can help us accomplish our destinies and often times we make the mistake of allowing people to get close to us for sentimental reasons instead of kingdome advancement reasons. These relationships can entangle us, and can be really hard to shake off- particularly if we have a hard time making new relationships. The key here is timing. Some relationships are so dangerous to our faith that we must do something about them immediately- where we are involved in circles of people who not only have no relationship with God but who are deeply entrenched in the world- these relationships, once recognized as problematic, must be removed quickly as they can entrench a person firmly in the world and quickly undercut and destroy a man's faith. Other relationships aren't nearly as dangerous and these (those that lack a common vision, that can't really help you press ahead in the seasons coming up) just need to be minimized as far as time spent, and allow God to prune it when needed.

Ultimately, as all of this is important, it is critical that you cultivate those relationships that can help you move into the seasons ahead. These are the people who will fight with you, either for a season, or possibly even for a lifetime. Invest in these relationships heavily, as they will make the biggest difference possible in your walk with God. And always keep an eye open for another person who can play this role- you never know where you might find it!

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Got Vision?

2006-03-14T15:31:00.000-08:00

Obviously I am not talking about whether or not those eyes on your head work properly, but what kind of future do you see for yourself? Where are you going? I think the biggest challenge to vision is being able to set aside what we believe can be accomplished on our own. It is hard to see how God steps in and makes a difference. My own weakness has made it very difficult to have vision for my life. I am doing better than just subsisting, but I am not sure I could argue that I am strongly thriving. Since I am not "strongly thriving", it is hard not to be content with the success I have so far and say that maybe it is impossible for something truly great to come out of my life. What scares me is knowing that I may very well be capable of accomplishing some very great things- and my unwillingness to believe it possible makes it impossible.

Here's a good question: what does it take to improve the scope of our vision? I think part of it is investing time thinking about it. There are a couple of things that seem to be recurring for me as far as what I would like to do with my life, though they need to be prayed through to find what God is saying in the midst of this. Part of the problem is in our definition of success. The American definition of success is to make lots of money and be able to do whatever you want, have whatever you want, and live a pain-free life. I am convinced this is very far from God's definition of success. God defines success first and foremost by how close a relationship we keep with Him all the days of our life. So maybe the person who is most successful in God's eyes would never even grab the world's attention- their success has nothing to do with any kind of worldly definition of success. Now who we become is the result of being close to God, and if we really get close to Jesus we realize that servanthood is a really good way to devote ourselves to him.

I do wonder if it might actually be more important for us to build a vision of ourselves based on who we want to become, instead of what we want to do. For who we become is so much more important than what we do- what we do is the raw material by which we are built into what we become. I see myself developing a real servants heart, becoming patient in difficult circumstances, always leaning on God when things get tough. I see myself developing a deep trust in God to the point of being willing to take great leaps of faith simply because I heard from God first and I know the character of the one speaking to me. Now I see what real vision is- hopefully you can see as well as I that who we become is so much more important than what we accomplish.

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

The Life of Faith

2006-03-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

In the last few years, my definition of what it means to live by faith has changed. For the longest time I thought this was in regards to salvation- I believed that living by faith meant trusting God that I would be saved, and that this trusting in God would keep me in God's hand and make it so that I would spend eternity with him.

The thing is, a guy named Graham Cooke is challenging this belief. It is not that this belief is inaccurate, just that this belief is inadequate. Living by faith really means being placed in situations where you must actually trust God for your circumstances to work out. An example of this from the bible would be Abram moving to a foreign country purely in obedience to the will of God. He had no guarantees from a purely natural perspective- how would he know that he wouldn't be killed by the land's current inhabitants? All he had was God's word. This way of living, this experiencing the life of faith for ourselves, is what God had in mind. He wants to take us to a place in which in hearing God's voice, we would be willing to get into situations where essentially only God can get us out, so that we might be completely dependent on him. Let me give an example from my own life.

At one point I was forced to move out of this college guys house, for reasons that involve the fact that I was not a college guy. Anyways, I temporarily lived in my parents house while figuring out what to do. I distinctly heard from God that I was to get a two bedroom apartment, and that God would provide the roommate. Doing this would require faith though- a two bedroom apartment is more expensive and I would have great difficulty affording it for any length of time on my own. I did obey God in this situation, and God did indeed come through- within a few weeks I had a roommate, which I have lived with and for the most part, got along well with for the last 6 months. The truth is clear- if anything, God wants to gives us many experiences like this so that we can come to a place where we deeply trust God.

My prayer is that you would come to a place where you trusted God like this. For then you really can perform miracles- the presense of God will be with you in a tangible way as you follow the leading of the spirit. We were born to know God's character, and yet we just give lip service to the idea of really trusting God. I hope we all develop truly mature relationships with the lord of all.

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

The Fight

2006-03-09T15:09:00.000-08:00

When it comes down to it, life is a fight. No, life isn't like a fight; it is a fight. Truth is, in all honesty those who have been walking with God long enough know that this fight has its ups and downs. Some rounds we win. Some rounds we get clocked. We all have our moments where we want to throw in the towel- the fight can be too much for us. We may not have anything close to the unbroken success we thought we would have going into this. I think viewing it as a fight can be a lifesaver to us- particularly when we realize that all Jesus wants out of us is to stay in the ring. He isn't asking you to not fall down, although falling down may make getting back up more difficult and so is better to be avoided. He just asks us to stay in the ring, and get back up after we fall down. It is nice when we can throw a few blows ourself, but as long as we are in the ring and we get back up after we fall down, and receive grace as needed, we'll be okay.

I want to encourage some of you out there who may be getting ready to quit. I know this walking with God thing can be tough at times and God can ask us to make decisions that aren't easy. Sometimes walking away from an addiction is the problem, sometimes we have dreams that are born out of selfishness that have to die. Sometimes our fears and doubts choke the life out of us. The truth is we were born to be loved by God. If you are on the brink of giving up, or even if you can tell that your frustrations with the Christian life are mounting, take a step back. Remember that while it is a fight, we all need those moments of just receiving love from the father and getting our own cup filled by the goodness of God. God will give you a time out of sorts where he will come to you and give you the ministry you need so that you can keep going, keep fighting. Just ask him. He doesn't hold back himself when we really cry out to him. My prayer is that you would come away from your special time with him rejuvenated and ready to fight another day. If you don't get what you need from God, what you try to get through other resources will eventually fail you and you may stop getting up- just going through the motions without fighting anymore. God's hand is outstretched- will you take it?

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Choose your pleasures wisely...

2006-03-06T12:48:00.000-08:00

Hello!

Now I have had my share of high tech pleasures. To be sure, the occasional movie is fun and I recently bought season two of Quantum Leap which I have watched religiously pretty much two episodes a night. So I guess you might think it slightly hypocritical to wonder whether such pleasures should be the mainstay of our leisure time, but hear me out anyways. I am pretty sure I am right, even if I don't practice it to the degree that I would like.

I am convinced that the lower the technology involved in our leisure time, the less overwhelming and manipulating of the emotions, the more involved we are with someone else or God than the entertainment itself, the more life satisfaction we get out of it. When I get together with my friends, we talk. I have multiple rich relationships because I am willing to let them know me as I am and because I share myself, while getting to know them. There is something about simple pleasures that really remind a person about why it is good to be alive, why God is good- inspiring gratitude. I don't know about you, but I don't experience the same thing when I watch a movie; that is more of an escape than a simple pleasure. If life isn't satisfying to you and God seems distant and you need a change of pace, simplify your pleasures. Read a good book. Go for a walk- better yet, go for a walk in the woods. Pick pleasures that are closer to the pleasures originally invented by God for our satisfaction and see if you don't come away with a deeper sense of gratitude, a greater sense of feeling alive. And then, go and share what you experienced with someone else. Maybe if the world got what it needed from its leisure time, people would come to work more satisfied and content and less striving to get their next fix. Oh, you may experience some withdrawal symtoms- it may be hard walking away from your television fix, but just maybe you'll come away more joyous than you ever did coming out of that theater. If this works for you, maybe post a comment for others to read and let them know that simplicity, even in the smallest way, has its benefits.

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

What the Holy Spirit is saying

2006-03-03T13:17:00.000-08:00

Some people reading this have probably never heard God speak or received ministry from the Holy Spirit. I wanted to take this moment and let the Holy Spirit speak what he wants to say to me to give you a taste of what it is like to hear the voice of God for yourself.

Sean, can you see me smile? Can you see that I have such peace for you? Let the voice of the critic inside you, restlessly destroying you, die. Don't you know that I have the most wonderful plans for you, that I want to do some new things in your life? This next season is going to be marked by an increase in ministry. Some of the fights you've been fighting will be over with the victory won. You won't have anything to prove to me, as your Father I love you as you are. You have no idea how much I just want to embrace you everyday, letting my face of love just heal your wounds. Sean, you won't need to be afraid anymore. Not afraid of falling, not afraid of losing my love. You couldn't walk out on me if you wanted to. :-D I would love for you to be astonished and amazed by me everyday, to be surprised at the smallest of miracles- from every prayer answered to the new thing each day I wish to do in your life. Can't you see I am here for you? That I literally adore you, long for you every waking moment, am actively looking to bless you, and am out to get you- not in some fearful way but as a father is out to find his son in a game of hide and seek? :-) Please just enter into my rest every day. Forget yourself in loving me and let my peace reside in your heart, and there you will find the strength you need each day to be lead by God.

I hope this gives you all a taste of what it is like to hear the Holy Spirit for yourself. Jesus died and went to heaven in part so that the Holy Spirit could reside in your heart and speak to you as intimately and tenderly as he just spoke to me. My request to you is to give him a chance. As one of my favorite teachers put it, "He is the kindest person I've ever met in my whole life." Let him be your healer.

Your companion,
Sean

Passing the test

2006-03-01T14:07:00.000-08:00

Have you ever experienced one of those moments where you inadvertently passed a test of your character? It was one of those moments where you did what was right simply because it was the right thing to do? I just had one of those moments. I didn't do anything grand, all I did was point out that some of the hours I was paid for during the last month were vacation hours and not regular work hours. Yet this moment of honesty gives me ecstacy, knowing that in some unassuming way I still care about righteousness, that in my heart of hearts I still love God.

I'll tell you a secret. It is in these little tests that our relationship with God stands or falls. Ultimately little sins quickly amount to real distance between us and God. Usually we think that great sins are what lead to a person's downfall, but sometimes great sins are followed by great repentance- which leads to reconciliation. Little sins tend to mount, over time, and create a corrosive and distructive effect upon our relationship with God. We tend to trivialize them, not realizing the gravity of our own decisions. The truth is people who have sinned the worst have often been vulnerable to transformation- a glance at scripture will reveal to obvious cases of this, the king Manasseh, who was perhaps the worst king in Judah's entire history and yet repented and is with our Lord now, and Paul- who was leading the crusade against Christians everywhere as a murderer, who turned around and became a great servant of Christ. Even a cursory glance at Saul and David- a real argument could be made that David's sins of adultery and murder were worse than Saul's sins of disobedience, but clearly David lived in relationship with God, and Saul lived on his own. It is this "living on our own" that is the most dangerous to our hearts, for as the little sins mount they kill us by leading us away from the master. If only a sin would occur that would be great enough to wake us up to the whole game- then we might repent, and rebuild our relationship with God. As long as nothing wakes us up to our true position we might ever walk farther and farther away from God, all the while smugly believing that the true sinners are those who fornicate or murder or whatever. We may even still be attending church, for the church itself acts as a barrier to recognition of our true condition. My prayer is that if you see yourself slowly tolerating sin, slowly walking away from God, take this moment to beg God for forgiveness. Perhaps it isn't too late if you see yourself being snared...

Your companion in Christ,
Sean

Confessions of a long-time friend of God

2006-02-27T16:12:00.000-08:00

Hi!

The truth is, if we are in touch with our emotions at all, there are times when we are tapped out. There are times when I just wish God would take me home. I have experienced God enough to know that heaven is good, and that spending eternity there is just what the doctor ordered. Some days I find it most unfortunate being stuck in this place, which in my mind's eye is half way between heaven and hell... Nevertheless, there are moments when grace descends, and I realize that the lover I am being loved by cares not a wit about my performance, whether I become a great chess player, whether I pursuade someone to marry me, or what have you. That ultimately all he really wants is me, and I find that quite comforting. On those days when I am wise enough to just listen to him, I come to find someone who is slow to anger and quick to forgive- someone who really just wants to know me.

I have often thought that the strength God gives should be enough to make living for God not hard. I must confess that at this point I am unconvinced. For me, following the Nazarene who bled for me is definitely hard. It is just nice knowing that regardless of how difficult it may seem and how inept I am in following him that he is not my critic and even my stumbling is worth something to him. CS Lewis said something along these lines in the Screwtape Letters- that when God removes his hand and lets life get really tough, that if only the will to walk is there, even if we can't accomplish more than a just trying unsuccessfully, God is pleased.

Part of the issue for me is that I see what life could be like. Oh yes. I know that we were meant for experiencing the presence of God on a daily basis, getting to know the love of God in a rather intimate fashion daily. We were supposed to have a relationship with God that involved passion. I wonder how much of this was supposed to reside in our emotions. I guess there is a part of me that wants to believe that we all are called to see God work miracles through our lives, and one of those miracles is the miraculous daily transformation in our own lives that comes from being loved more deeply than we can even imagine. Who said the Christian life was supposed to be boring and unengaging, anyways? Ultimately, as big of a blessing ministry is for others, ultimately we should minister in part because we need to minister or we will find life highly unsatisfactory. And if on the off chance these babblings from a man who stumbles down the highway of holiness like a drunk who barely can stay on the path himself can help anyone, then maybe I too will get to drink of the cup of satisfaction, knowing that I am making a difference.
Thank you.