Grieving

I should grieve.

No, I haven't lost a love one.  I lost my life.

It's true, I didn't commit suicide.  But I lost everything that mattered to me.  My sense of control over how things go, multiple friends, my job, the place I lived... I lost it all.  How did I lose all this you ask?  I went insane.

You know... it should be a simple thing to grieve losing so much.  However, there is no funeral when you lose your life like I did.  There are no cards that say "Sorry for your loss." in reference to losing one's life from having a break from reality.  There is nothing.  I'm just left to try to put my life back together, and I don't know how.

I realize this isn't a feel-good post.  I wish I knew what to tell myself.  "It will get easier."  Well, I suppose that's true, but for the past 12 years I've been somewhat in denial of how much was lost.  You know, before the hospitalization I was friends with a guy I'll call Jim.  That's not his real name, but that's what I'll call him here.  Anyhow, Jim and I were really close.  We were best friends.  Then mental illness hit.  He wouldn't talk to me or have anything to do with me.  My theory is his then girlfriend, who I hear he eventually married, didn't want to be associated with anybody who... "wasn't well."  You know, that really bites.  I lost one of my closest friends because of this illness.  The other stuff I lost was hard, but that was the hardest.

For the past two years and 2.5 months, I've been doing well.  Before that, it was constantly shifting medication, and two trips to the hospital.  Only now I'm realizing I need to grieve.  I don't know how!  I don't know how to let go of my failed existence!  You know, in a very real sense I lost my life because of my obsession with doing what God says.  I hope that that verse "those that lose their life for my sake will find it."  I'd like to find my life again.  In the meantime I would be doing well to grieve the losses I experienced.  It's just so hard...

Media Consumption

What does it mean to consume media that is antithetical to your faith?

I was posed this question.  I was asked if I consumed media that was against my faith.  I think Christians have the wrong idea of what it means.

You can watch videos that are secular.  You absolutely can.  And that's not going to hurt your faith.  Stuff that hurts your faith are stuff with a slant that is antithetical to Kingdom thought.  For example, I wouldn't recommend to any believer that they listen to secular rap music.  Why you say?  Because it very clearly is slanted in an unhealthy way.  

What else is unhealthy?

I would say that it just varies from movie to movie.  For example, the Christopher Nolan Batman movies- I'd totally recommend them.  Batman in those movies is in a lot of ways a picture of Christ.  Yes, it's hard to picture Christ beating up the criminal population of the city, HOWEVER... did you notice that he doesn't generally use guns?  He tries not to kill people.  That's a rule he follows- "No killing.  No guns."  Also, at the end of "The Dark Knight" when Batman says "The Joker must not win.  I can do those things."  He takes the blame for Two-face's crimes!  Who else do we know that basically took the blame for someone else's crimes?  Jesus of course!  There's a lot of positive imagery in the Christopher Nolan Batman series.  I have lots of respect for the thought that went into that series.  So... whether something is antithetical to Christianity is more complex than just "It was made by a secular media company."

You want other movies with Kingdom slants?  How about The Shawshank Redemption?  That one has the kingdom all over it.  It helps that Stephen King is a Christian, who tries a more nuanced approach to sharing his faith than something in your face.  Same thing with "The Green Mile."  There are many movies with Kingdom themes that are not totally obvious.  Even people who aren't believers can make things that are not totally useless or unhelpful.  For example, I just watched Iliza Shlesinger's comedy specials on Netflix, and while I wouldn't recommend children watching that, I would say that there is stuff that can be gleaned about life on earth that you can get from comedies.  There are lots of things like that.  Is EVERYTHING like that?  I don't think so, but for a Christian to refuse to watch something, I think it needs to be for a better reason than "there's swearing in it" or "people are drunk in it or talk of people being drunk is in it."  Just... you want something that will dry you out spiritually?  How about Star Trek? 

Star Trek was written from the slant that their is no God.  Aside from the episodes with Q in it (Q is basically a god), God is written out of the series and Roddenberry is coming from the perspective that in the future, humanity "evolved" such that man didn't need spirituality any more.  You want something to dry you out spiritually and feeling sad?  Star Trek will tend to do that.  I love the Q episodes, by the way, but then Q and Data are the only interesting characters in Star Trek The Next Generation.  My point is- you need to think DEEPLY about what is spiritually enriching and what is actually going to suck the life out of your heart.  A lot of stuff is neutral.  Beware of watching something with an atheistic slant however.  Beware of watching movies that don't try to give you anything useful to chew on or part any wisdom to you.  All the movies I like, all try to give the watcher something to think about.  If all you are being is entertained, beware...