Looking For Direction

I realize that in my last post, I was lost there too... Hopefully writing this post will help me find my way.

It has been almost an entire year since I got out of the hospital. Since I got out, I've maintained an exercise routine, I've worked at having a nightly routine around going to sleep, and I tried to find success in a chess tournament. While the tournament did not work out as I hoped, I would say that I am healthier now than I was one year ago. As I think about it, it depends on what metric you are looking at. Mentally, I'm clearly better than I was a year ago. A year ago on this day, I was still somewhat ill. I think... around a year ago today was about when I found out the hospital was going to release me, because I found out about two weeks before I was released. So... I was good enough at that time to be released from the hospital, but I would add that I still had more weird thinking in my head at that time than I do now.

Now... physically I'm not sure I'm better now than I was a year ago. My scale has taken to insulting me the last several times I stepped on it. When I left the hospital, I was about 230 lbs. Right now, I'm roughly 240 lbs. Why this is is a mystery. People keep telling me "muscle weighs more than fat." Of course, I don't think my diet now is quite as good as it was in the hospital. However, my exercise routine is pretty intense these days. I tread water for an hour, including three minutes of treading water with my arms extended up, 27 more minutes treading water with just my legs, 12 minutes treading water with just my arms (this number is escalating- tomorrow I'm going to attempt to tread water with just my arms for 13 minutes, then on Monday 14 minutes, then Wednesday 15 minutes, etc. until I reach 30 minutes) then the rest of the hour until five minutes remain I take it easy and tread water with both my arms and legs, and then the last five minutes I tread water with my arms extended up. If you are curious how difficult this workout is, I challenge you the reader to try doing it. I think you'll find the hardest parts are treading water with your arms extended up, and treading water with just your arms. After doing this intense workout, I go to a park and take a walk for thirty minutes. On the weekdays I'm not doing this workout, I go for long walks. Exercise-wise, I'm in a good place. I just wish the scale would stop insulting me.

It's interesting that I'm basically back where I was a year ago, as far as having purpose. I need to take some time and try to figure out where I'm going. Am I going to write? If so, what am I going to write? Am I going to play in chess tournaments? If so, how am I going to finance them, and what is the best way to prepare for them? I don't know what to do at this point. I need to think about it. It's hard because I have too many options. I'll figure it out. Somehow, God is going to make clear to me what the path forward is. I just need to trust that God will provide for me a way out of the haze. When we have real need, God provides. I have a real need now. Surely God will help me figure out how to proceed. In the meantime, I've just got to keep working at taking care of myself the best that I can.