Confessions of a long-time friend of God

Hi!

The truth is, if we are in touch with our emotions at all, there are times when we are tapped out. There are times when I just wish God would take me home. I have experienced God enough to know that heaven is good, and that spending eternity there is just what the doctor ordered. Some days I find it most unfortunate being stuck in this place, which in my mind's eye is half way between heaven and hell... Nevertheless, there are moments when grace descends, and I realize that the lover I am being loved by cares not a wit about my performance, whether I become a great chess player, whether I pursuade someone to marry me, or what have you. That ultimately all he really wants is me, and I find that quite comforting. On those days when I am wise enough to just listen to him, I come to find someone who is slow to anger and quick to forgive- someone who really just wants to know me.

I have often thought that the strength God gives should be enough to make living for God not hard. I must confess that at this point I am unconvinced. For me, following the Nazarene who bled for me is definitely hard. It is just nice knowing that regardless of how difficult it may seem and how inept I am in following him that he is not my critic and even my stumbling is worth something to him. CS Lewis said something along these lines in the Screwtape Letters- that when God removes his hand and lets life get really tough, that if only the will to walk is there, even if we can't accomplish more than a just trying unsuccessfully, God is pleased.

Part of the issue for me is that I see what life could be like. Oh yes. I know that we were meant for experiencing the presence of God on a daily basis, getting to know the love of God in a rather intimate fashion daily. We were supposed to have a relationship with God that involved passion. I wonder how much of this was supposed to reside in our emotions. I guess there is a part of me that wants to believe that we all are called to see God work miracles through our lives, and one of those miracles is the miraculous daily transformation in our own lives that comes from being loved more deeply than we can even imagine. Who said the Christian life was supposed to be boring and unengaging, anyways? Ultimately, as big of a blessing ministry is for others, ultimately we should minister in part because we need to minister or we will find life highly unsatisfactory. And if on the off chance these babblings from a man who stumbles down the highway of holiness like a drunk who barely can stay on the path himself can help anyone, then maybe I too will get to drink of the cup of satisfaction, knowing that I am making a difference.
Thank you.